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chillier... and teeth... [Nov. 4th, 2006|03:00 pm]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, "Dentist" from "Little Shop of Horrors" soundtrack]

what follows are basically notes, accumulated at intervals during the morning of the fourth, on six scrap sheets from a pile near the entrance to the kitchen that has been created over time by tearing used 8-1/2x11's in half -- i write notes on the unused rear side, and in the case of page six of today's notes i wrote on both sides (the rear side now has not only black print from an old xerox but also my minimally decipherable blueink scrawlings) --

***

awake alarm 557, silence of noradio -- back in the world, i realize i've been dreaming about some sort of sexual interest -- pure fantasy, no dream of actual sexual activity with possible resultant mess -- so the dream is about feelings, and about strategizing rather than acting -- why did i tell a. i nearly never dream? (or, more strictly, recall dreams) -- and now i do nearly every night -- is it jobworries? lifeworries? relational frets?

paper 630, call j from stairbottom 640ish, she's up 655, says we'll leave 730, we leave near 8 -- still, that's on the early side, i think -- dentist to get to by a time certain this morning, obviating the usual does-she-feel-like-it-yet procrastination --

i's so damn cold going up the street, dogwalking for coffee -- i didn't notice that on the way to and from the paper, even though dressed identically -- was never outside for more than 30-45 seconds (back and forth between house and car, car and house; back and forth between car and store, store and car) -- but this is a straight shot of a good eight minutes -- j, annoyed that i have made a not 100% positive comment about what is after all her agenda, asks why i didn't wear a sweatshirt (i.e., it's my fault, not hers) -- i say i just grabbed something that i was used to and seemed workable; it was just fine for the newspaper, but any chill wind pours down this sloping street like it's in a funnel, and the street is shady with trees (yes, in sunny spots before the biddystore it can almost be warm, even though on the weather channel the airport temp, two miles from here as the bird flies, was 35 at 748am -- past the biddystore, somewhat steeply uphill, it's rilly chilly) -- yup, this is the coldest walk since early spring, and i don't think i started this dogwalk ballandchain till maybe may, anyway well into the warm stretch of spring --

homebound, he does no doodoo, not even in his banklot -- he's been doing that in evenings, instead, she says --

it's certainly very quiet out this morning -- my guess would be that people are avoiding being out and about in far colder air than they've gotten used to since april or may --

home, she breakfasts -- and now it turns out that she also wants to stop by mom's apartment and cat at the outset of the dentist drive, which she either had never thought of or had never bothered to tell me about when we were discussing the time she wanted to leave for the dentist (950, she'd said, to arrive for the 1030 appointment; far too early, really, given that it's only a tenmile drive or so -- but she's always left too early for the saturdaymorning dentist appointment, all the way back to the 1980s) -- she now claims that what she meant was she wanted to leave her mom's place at 950 (yeah, right) -- so i have to rush now, and while she finishes foodtime i shower -- and today i begin with the last bar of soap handmade by rnl's 2003-05 mentalhospital coworker-pal; leaving it untouched in the hall closet across from the bathroom has not been sentimentality or me wanting to delay rnl cutoffs -- it's just been me not wanting to go back there mentally and open it up at all -- same thing with the now nearly empty and hence almost never used last canister of the twofer canisters of shaving cream i bought with her in some centraljersey stripmall walmart in very late 04, while she waited ten minutes for her bc pill prescription to be ready --

much less time to work with than i'd expected; i start bathroom stuff at 840, and we're to leave 920ish -- after i'm done with the bathroom, she has to shower too -- so we're lucky to leave at about 928 --

at mom's place, her snarly cat accepts a few initial headrubs, and then begins to nip and paw whack at each approach -- after two or three negative reactions in quick succession i give up and sit down on the couch -- and a few minutes later j is running her hand in the tap at the foodprep sink in the kitchen corner of the apartment; cat got her --

i sit and look around -- who knows how long this will be here as is, yet another in life's neverending succession of passings away -- a small plasticframed photo on a livingroom area tabletop, of me and j a little over a quartercentury ago; a pile of vhs tapes, legal and pirated, near the livingroom chair that faces the old darkwood tv; a display of hummel-y things and other tchotchkes on the display shelves of handmedown furniture from the first half of the last century; a cutglass lidded candybowl, so smokedulled that it looks translucent or distressed, seated squatly on a marbley coffeetable, a foot from the couch i'm on -- everything is so tight in here --

onebedroom onebath apartment, with the mainroom open all the way through but with various bits used as l.r., diningroom, and kitchen -- fridge is six feet or so from rear of livingroom chair -- picturewindow at far end of l.r. looks out over a few feet of the nursinghome backproperty -- then a downslope, and beyond that the rear of the houses fronting on the next street north -- workingclass area but not scary -- mom got in here because she'd done gruntwork for the nyc democrat party for many years, and had some pull -- there are actually no abovecounter cupboards in the kitchen area, because this is supposed to be a handicapped/wheelchair apartment, and they kicked someone out in about 2000 to make room for mom when she decided she wanted to move over here -- she's never used the place the way it's really meant to work, having been ambulatory all this time -- so far, anyhow --

at some point i should describe it more before it's forever unavailable --

we depart 953 -- j likes to drive to the dentist the long way, always has, back even past our first us-only car in 88 -- before that, we'd borrow her stepgrandfather's car for a few hours every so often when we needed wheels -- we lived till 91 in a neighborhood where a car wasn't that dire a need, and when we got married neither of us had ever owned one (or at least, i never really had; she probably had, at some past point, being six years older than i, and having lived either on her own or paired off for a decade, since age 17 going on 18) -- i'd go a shorter and easier and less congested route to the dentist, but she's driving -- well along the way, we pass the spot where i first picked up k. from in front her then-doctor's office, march 03 -- i note, as always when we do this, that we are actually going past the dentist's office a good halfmile and then cutting back, all so we can stay on main roads, her preferred route --

we arrive 1027 -- she has parking anxiety, is worried about cars clipping us turning into the sidestreet stripmall entrance where our only nearby parking space is -- but as i get out and confirm, she has stopped a good three feet from the car behind her, in anxiety over bumping it while backing into the space -- the parkinglot thing in ontario in august spooked her, i guess, but she is always angsty about everything, focused on potential disasters -- not taking my word for it, she gets out and checks that there are tons of room behind -- back in, and car back on, she backs up about 18 inches and, getting out again to look, sees that both front and rear now look okayish to her -- no, i say, you aren't blocking the person behind, because there is a fireplug between them and the corner, no one can park there without risking a big ticket, so they have total room to maneuver behind them if they want to leave before we do --

and into the dentist's office -- frumpy old place, obviously originally a private house, but here on the main drag converted into commercial space by ripping out and rearranging walls -- the dentist has what was really a basement, with small windows just above groundlevel at the tops of the walls -- not a glam place or attractive -- been the same for over 25 years, since before we moved her over 27 years ago -- same big old inwall fishtank in the waitingroom since the very early eighties, same ceilingmounted waitingroom tv for a good twentyplus years (ok, maybe tv has been replaced, not sure; but bracket and its location are unchanged) -- and for over a decade the same framed posters, some on dental themes and others not, e.g. impressionist prints -- that seinfeld poster about his mouth being important for making a living obviously goes back no further than when his sitcom was hot, early nineties at the earliest --

seated for not long, we get taken in by dentalassistant namecalls from the halldoor -- i'm taken first; she has more tooth problems b/c she grinds at night -- when i slept with her, i used to hear them clacking and grinding as she drifted off, doubtless fretting about something --

and then i am led down the hall and chairseated -- assistant is going to do the xray series -- a few moments of weatherchat as she fetches and places the lead bodyapron, then two leftside and two rightside xrays, and then one more in the center from below followed by yet one more in the center from above -- i know just how to do this -- the hardest part is not letting the large, stiff, dry, slightly oddtasting cardboard inserts make you gag and therefore klutzily move during the xray taking itself, which you can hear happening with its little second or so buzz, as she presses some button with a finger from the next room (she has to do it over and over; i only need to do it once a year or so, with lead apron) -- usually within the under five seconds it takes to her to walk back in after the buzz ends, i have already nudged the cardboard spacer forward to between my lips for her to pick out with her rubbergloved fingers --

i notice, as i do every time i sit here, once a year on average i bet, the stupid Phillip Atooth doll in the little plastic sandwich bell on the whitepainted brick sill of the window before me -- that's been here a good decade too i bet, though i feel pretty certain it does not go back to the eighties --

it used to be that ten twenty years ago a young female dental assistant would do the basic toothcleaning before the dentist ever came in, or sometimes the two of them would do it together -- in recent years (five to ten?) he does it himself, with some assistance from the assistant -- the everchanging 'she' only gets to do the xrays now -- hmm, bet that's a billing and income thing, the insurance filing and reimbursement -- if he does it himself, he can charge more, and it goes to him --

the reason we actually go here is that j's jewish sisterinlaw was a receptionist and the main billing person here when we arrived in this area from michigan a couple of weeks after our august 1979 wedding and a monthplus prior to her marriage to j's (half)brother and only sibling, the one who killed himself on 25 march 04, whereupon the sisterinlaw wrote j a note several months later blaming her and her family for the suicide, after she'd lived with carl every day and night for nearly 25 years, and j hadn't heard word one from carl since 1994 -- well, people have ways of working things out for themselves --

but it's odd that we do still go to this dentist when berenice hasn't worked here in close to twenty years, and hasn't talked to us since 1994 -- the dentist knows all about it, j has told him some, and he knew about carl's suicide from berenice's end -- but at least he's diplomatic enough never to ask about how things are going or family stuff, which works for me -- he's not going to drive us off by clumsily making us uncomfortable; it's income to him -- he has this office, and also one in manhattan somewhere -- he was a young, fairly new dentist when we moved here, and now is probably getting set to retire in the next few years -- must be 5-10 years older than i am -- i have always heard and read that dentists tend not to like their work, but it pays well, so early retirement may be a goal for many -- and meanwhile, where am i? always with my life going to be straightened out at some point that always approaches but has never really arrived -- how much of that is my fault? not all of it is -- but certainly some...

as i mull this and other stuff, he does his usual first precleaning step: looking at the xrays clipped up on a backlightable frame on the wall, between the door and the sink and cabinets, hmming and mmming a bit but not too much, and then commenting that there are no cavities, no real issues, just need a good cleaning, that's all -- that's what i virtually always hear; haven't even had a filling since the eighties -- just cleanings for 15 years or more now --

then down he sits in the workchair beside my extremely elaborate patientchair -- and then pressing and chipping and scraping at my teeth, one at a time, with pointy things, wiping bits of plaque and goo on the paperplastic apron that the assistant put around my neck, after removing the lead apron -- things are not too bad, because i do take some care of my teeth, and always make a point of flossing and scraping them myself the night before, or sometimes just a short time before, the dentist appointment itself --

yes, that's right, for over twenty years now i have cleaned my own teeth every few weeks at most, rather than waiting every year or so for the dentist to do it, with all his technology, machinery, weird little instruments -- a small straigthrazor blade allows me to scrape plaque off places it accumulates: the rear of my bottom front teeth, which are all tight together, and the outer facades of the teeth all around the top and bottom -- floss works out the goo from between the teeth -- and there are even little pockets or flaps of gums on the outside of my far back lower teeth, left and right, where goo accumulates: with an index finger i press, in a certain long since workedout fashion, on those rear gumpockets, squeezing any yellowish goo up above the gumline, where it sticks to my fingertip and can be rinsed off easily --

kinda grotty, but by figuring out years ago that i could do this i keep my teeth in better shape than people who just jump through the dentist hoop -- if i forget, for example, to clean the sidepockets for more than a very few weeks, i will tend to notice slight inflammation, which maybe a lot of people have a lot of the time, leading to gingivitis -- and if i don't scrape the rear side of the lowerfronts for more than a few weeks, the teeth will start to feel kind of squished and constricted, as plaque cements the whole row together like stucco -- if i forget to clean out the rear gumpockets for a month or two, which can happen now and then if i am especially busy or distracted, sometimes i will find that the pocket of goo has been compressed into a little solid skin of mustardcolor material, shaped to the gentle curve of the tooth, and really rather similar to the skin on the side of a boiled cornkernel, only a browner yellow --

bet the dentist would not approve of me scraping my teeth with razorblades, but i'm never telling --

no smalltalk or bedside/chairside manner at all from him -- probably he's leery to get onto family stuff and be made uncomfortable and/or seem insensitive -- and he also knows i used to have nyu insurance and haven't had since about 2000; he used to ask me about nyu almost every visit, but apparently knows not to any more -- that's either b/c of the insurance change, or else b/c j said something negative to him about me and nyu; that'd be like her -- but he knows plenty about the family stuff too -- carl's and j's mom used to come here, back in the eighties, before she started picking fights and acting out in the waiting room, at which point she was asked to change dentists and not come in to the office any more under any circumstances --

and again he leaves for less than a minute -- while he's gone i take the opportunity of momentary privacy to arrange my black plastic clothesprotecting apron, and i notice that the pink paper napkin has two big darkpink wet stains, bloodbits, that i don't think could have been from me??? do they reuse them? nah, probably from poking between my teeth and then wiping --

so now he's back and settles in to using the screechysounding thinspray hotwater stream instrument, going (i can feel it quite clearly) in U shapes all around the edges of all of my teeth, working from far right to far left around the bottom, then from far left to far right across the top -- sometimes the pressure really strikes a nerve inside the tooth, or the spraying shreds a gum, stinging, making me jump slightly or squirm for a moment, and occasionally he'll ask, solicitously, if it's okay -- i say yes, always; it's bound to hurt a bit here and there, but then it's totally over for a year -- and meanwhile, water that's first warm but soon cold splashes and dribbles all over the place: face, chin, cheeks, glasses --

i mostly keep my eyes shut, considering mainly dentistry but partly other stuff, since what can i usefully see anyway? just toobright light ceiling faces toolends -- and i suppose i should give him some privacy to work -- i notice that i am holding my first and middle fingers tightly in the fingers of my left hand, squeezing down fairly hard when it hurts more, and tapping my toe rather deliberately to purge, or at least manage, my nervousness about what will hurt quite a bit next -- it's not that i'm scared, it just really does hurt, sometimes, and is at least somewhat uncomfortable all of the time -- i assume (or, hope) that squeezing my fingers is imperceptible under the black plastic apron, as long as i don't actually move anything much; it's just as if i simply have my hands folded together calmly under there -- and i try not to tap my feet too much or too hard; that could be annoying, and too revealing -- well, i bet i am probably far better than all those problem-with-dentist types that are kind of upsetting to the poor maxillofacial surgeon --

everybody tries to save a buck -- no redecoration here in many years, and even if they didn't reuse the napkin i can see his dentistchair mechanism is not what it should be, old and unrepaired -- to get water from the little rinse-your-mouth-out fountain at my left hand, he sees i am having trouble and shows me how you have to press the button only partway down, just so, not all the way down as most people would normally do -- and as for trying to get the little round porcelain drain to wash out properly, removing the bubbly redfoam spitwater down the hole, hence (i hoped) improving the aesthetics of the experience somewhat: when he sees me trying he says, while making sure not to sound critical, 'don't bother' -- and on he goes, spraying and gritpasting and whirlyrubbing and then rinsing, all around all of the teeth, top and bottom, insidefacing and outsidefacing --

at the end, his only evaluative comment is that the cleanings would be easier if they were more often (i didn't think it was really a problem, actually, but why contradict him? maybe he meant easier for him) -- i say 'i know it's been a year, but j doesn't get to the scheduling, so eventually i have to talk her into agreeing to a date and time and then calling up to schedule it myself' -- he replies, 'actually, it's closer to a year and a half' -- 'o, ok', i say, silently reflecting that i am not taking responsibility for this after all the reminders and requests i made to her for some months about getting to it -- so i throw her to the sharks, suggesting he bug her about agreeing to come more often --

she's done about fifteen minutes after i am -- he probably went right from my chair to hers, in a nearby examining room on the same small poorly disguised exbasement hallway -- she comes out to announce that she has to come back for another appointment, then makes it with the desklady, berenice's distant successor -- j's been having more toothtrouble than i in recent years, the accumulation of the grinding mainly -- but all in all things have gone really quickly here today -- back in the 80s and 90s we used to have to wait for 30-45 minutes before getting started -- maybe his practice is not what it was years ago -- certainly the office seems somewhat neglected physically, and one figures most patients would notice after awhile --

so that's enough content for one day -- did i never do a dentist visit here in lj before? maybe way back in 05 somewhere??? not gonna try to look it up right now --

in the afternoon was a big lj site crash -- couldn't get on the site to add anything for 24 hours or more, quel horreur --

and i was at home the rest of the day -- j made some sort of dinner, i recall -- and am still worried about a. and her medicine adjustment, but we did a lot on that the past few days, and no big developments today -- and anyway, i jotted no notes after the end of the dentist sequence, so there --

but i do always have that pall over me of what's going on with the "university," if we can call it that; that affects my moods and days, or works and day as hesiod would have it --
linkpost comment

the term slithers on... [Nov. 3rd, 2006|09:23 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |cynicalcynical]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, hank williams sr., "window shopping"]

checking in on her -- she has me worried, of course --

G (11/3/2006 6:51:28 AM): k, i'm up, but i know you may still be invisible
G (11/3/2006 6:51:32 AM): ttyl
A (11/3/2006 7:21:21 AM): i'm up now too
A (11/3/2006 7:21:28 AM): you got up really early
A (11/3/2006 7:21:34 AM): i'm going to take a shower
G (11/3/2006 7:47:45 AM): ttyl
A (11/3/2006 7:48:03 AM): ok
G (11/3/2006 7:48:12 AM): you're leaving soon?
A (11/3/2006 7:48:20 AM): 20 minutes
G (11/3/2006 7:48:32 AM): any updates?
A (11/3/2006 7:49:12 AM): i didn't get through to the meds doc but i'll call him today (or i imagine he'll call me when he gets the message)
G (11/3/2006 7:49:18 AM): ok
A (11/3/2006 7:49:19 AM): therapy is sunday
G (11/3/2006 7:49:30 AM): so you're home when, any idea?
A (11/3/2006 7:49:31 AM): and i'm going to work
A (11/3/2006 7:49:46 AM): today, i hope right after school - 4:30
G (11/3/2006 7:49:50 AM): k
G (11/3/2006 7:50:01 AM): how are you this morning?
A (11/3/2006 7:50:46 AM): tired, sad, dull, slightly teary
A (11/3/2006 7:50:52 AM): sounds like fun!
A (11/3/2006 7:51:13 AM): i mean, part of me is okay, and part of me feels like hell
G (11/3/2006 7:51:18 AM): well
G (11/3/2006 7:51:32 AM): just get through the day, nine hours, then there's the weekend
A (11/3/2006 7:51:56 AM): yes!!!
G (11/3/2006 7:51:58 AM): ok
A (11/3/2006 7:52:09 AM): and just so you know, no i didn't do that [i.e., cut]
G (11/3/2006 7:52:17 AM): ok np wasnt going to ask
G (11/3/2006 7:52:21 AM): or aks either
A (11/3/2006 7:52:52 AM): yes, but you wanted to know
G (11/3/2006 7:53:08 AM): would have figured out a way to ask later today :-P
G (11/3/2006 7:53:19 AM): and aks
A (11/3/2006 7:53:30 AM): ah, i see, patience
G (11/3/2006 7:53:42 AM): sometimes :-)
A (11/3/2006 7:54:12 AM): so, you are off to dogwalk and teach soon, yes?
G (11/3/2006 7:54:17 AM): well, yes
G (11/3/2006 7:54:20 AM): so
G (11/3/2006 7:54:28 AM): do your thing and i'll tty after work
A (11/3/2006 7:54:42 AM): sounds good, have a good day and i'll ttyl
G (11/3/2006 7:54:49 AM): k, bfn :-)

narrow twin houses still abuilding in the teardown lot in the first block of the dogwalk home from j's summertime bus stop -- it'll be done in a few weeks -- moves slowly but inexorably --

don't need to stop in the banklot often any more, for the dog to 'go'; as j's skewed later and later with her daily departure, the dog's gotten used to dumping somewhere on the walk up, when she's still handling the leash and i am usually somewhat further on up the hill, walking along while reading or jotting or thinking --

office, morning: since late august i've been noticing a disk on a computer table with the black felt tip scrawl "transfer care & feeding" -- in curiosity, i finally slip it in the cd drive and find a powerpoint presentation for transfer students, simplistic and with several usage slips (the presenter's secret self-instructions are even simpler and more marred by solecisms) -- ok, powerpoint is for people who don't have much to say, don't know how to present things themselves, and therefore want to stand in the dark and substitute cartoon visuals for actual interaction -- yeah, i get that -- the intellectual elite, shaping the minds of future generations -- ad we wonder why many students don't respect many educators --

in the printer in the comp room are several abandoned trial copies of a student's "extra credit" assignment for a criminal justice class --

"I heard an ad on the radio on Friday that dealt with Kane bashing his opponent, whose name escapes me right now. The ad accused the opponent of being surrounded by corruption, by being involved with mobsters, being accompanied by a convicted drug dealer to his nomination and other things of that nature. It does not really attack minorities, but is very presumptious. I personally know plenty of drug users and dealers, but I am the biggest straight edge one could ever come into contact with. In my case, who I associate with does not say anything about my character and I would not presume it to say something about someone else's."

that's the whole thing...

ok, there's some brainstretching work, and some solid research --

on the way up to my preclass aerie i notice at the bottom landing the same collection of empty snackwrappers and a partlyfull drink bottle that have been here for several weeks now -- i pass it, unchanged, thrice weekly, mwf pre-eleven -- actually, i think one or two bits were not there yet, first time i noticed it a couple of weeks ago -- but it ended up sitting there around a month, from late in the dalloway till well into the gatsby era -- the overnight cleaners are supposed to do rooms and hallways, and i've noticed over time that stuff left in stairwells, especially this rear one, often survives for quite some time utterly unmolested by neateners -- i sort of say hi to it as i pass, after awhile, and when it disappears a ways into november i miss it, and its disappearance fuses in my mind with the idea of the semester, and in some sense my time here, dwindling down class by class --

tired of my aerie, and a bit on the early side this morning (1045), i decide to head instead to the mac complab down the hall from my classroom -- it's usually open, with one or two students or workstudies and me scattered among maybe three dozen mac terminals -- two reasons i often don't come here are that 1. i'm not sure i have a right to be here (there seems to be media program lit on one table, and sometimes a middle aged woman will come in and sit in an office off the comp room; i assume she's the media lady and maybe will get proprietary about the room and act on it at some point), and 2. students coming to my class can see me in there if they look through the door, and i've had them come up behind me when i am looking through the book and thinking about what to say in class, which kind of messes up my mood (i think best about class alone; when people interact with me, i start thinking about them, duh) -- in fact, today the most chatty person in the class, who's been sending me email drafts of his proposed midterm essay for three weeks (more email and inclass interaction than anyone else in the class) enters and wants to talk a bit about his essay, again -- which i do, cheerily and constructively, but still feeling a tad thrown off my stroke afterwards, and deprived of the minimum of lastminute classprep headtime i know how to leave myself, if i'm let --

but i do manage in class to finish with dalloway, talking about its ending, summing up and tying together some themes, and then transitioning in the latter part of the class to american literature and culture and society in the 1910s-20s, discussing some basic derivations here in the u.s. from the Modernist literary modes piloted and developed in Europe and, for our purposes here, given we're in an anglophone culture, England -- we'll talk more about Fitzergerald's life and American Modernism and the first chapter of Gatsby on Monday -- some students hand in midterm essays, and most of the remainder will be doing so this coming week -- so this is where we shift from being near the middle of the course, to being on the downslope toward termend, which really is barely a month away now --

class two: small, three people -- they don't have their midterms done yet, which is ok -- i've clarified, in class and in emails, that they have till next friday, but some aren't in class, or aren't checking the course website, and others figure that with all the course materials i have online they can get what they need without coming to class much or at all -- and after being in class MoTu this week instead of MoWed, not a few of those on MWF schedules (the majority) may view skipping Friday as giving them a little fallsemester springbreak -- i get into and cover more than half of episode 11, and those who are in class have things to say and questions to ask -- so, you do what you can for those for whom you can do something --

and then i'm done -- freedom for a weekend: nothing worky to do, nothing to stress about, and the past is not worth thinking about (unalterable anyhow...) -- k. has been wondering when we'll meet so i've promised to drive out to see her at her job about 245-300, which leaves drivingtime after class -- she's working 2-10:30 with an hour break at 7 (it's an 8.5 hour shift, with 8 hours on the shopfloor and 15 extra minutes at the beginning and end for preprep and wrapup) -- so out i drive, first coasting around curves down the long hill, then through a neighborhood and onto the expressway service road, then left and under the expressway, and on out past a high school, hospital, and golfcourse to the mall --

she wants me to hang around and talk with her some in her department while she shelves stuff and sees to purchases and customer queries -- i am somewhat leery about this, not wanting her to get in trouble and not wanting to be challenged myself about being there hanging around -- she insists it's ok, but she also said she was taking care of not letting her family find out about her online life in 2003, and we know how that turned out -- short-term-minded people often find reasons to dismiss the degree of risk inherent in things that might stand in the way of what they immediately want to do, duh --

so i hang around for half an hour or so, but part of the time (when she is shelving or talking to a customer, or getting called away to another department) i will walk various places in the men's department, which occupies most of a large floor of the threestory anchorstore -- i notice stuff: customers of various kinds shopping alone or in pairs, various employees doing various tasks, security by the main door to the parkinglot wearing an earpiece, even the apple ipod vending machine playing videos and a musical jingle over and over on maybe a twominute loop -- usually in a store one is focused on what one is looking for to purchase, but since i don't have that motive in this situation i find myself being very observant about what goes on in a department store, in the overall normal course of events and nonevents --

and to fill time, make myself useful, and attain a feeling that i am doing something positive rather than negative for the store by being here (kind of compensating for guilt), every so often i'll notice some bit of trash under a display table or in an aisle, and will stoop to take it and toss it in the squat rectangular plastic trashcan by k's register, in a section of men's department blaringly dedicated to a particular clothing manufacturer --

i try to get away a couple of times with hints, after being there for half an hour or so, but k. wants to talk a bit more (we've been catching up on news in between interruptions for her workstuff) -- eventually, after being there from just before three till just after four, i drive home via kf --

jonesing halfprice candy, i get a reeses 8pak shelflabeled "1/2 price" on the leftover halloween candy display, which rings up as .90 instead of 1.49 (not exactly "half," but i guess "half-price" is loosely used to mean heavily discounted for clearance; also, three reduced for quick sale iceberg lettuce, .39 each (they pull off a few outside layers and the rest is fine, but a little paler than normal, which means fewer greenveg vitamins, but i take a daily vitamin); and a gallon of fatfree milk (i don't like to buy only reduced stuff, and will need milk for cauliflower sauce...), 3.09; .08 tax for candy, 5.24 total, 4:52pm --

reeses are nice, both roomtemp and frozen, in some ways similar whatever temp, in some ways different at 70 and at 0 -- but the packages are always some shade of orange -- and yes, i'm eating too many carbs w/ this candy, but the leftover candy won't be there long -- on display, among other possibilities that i don't avail myself of owing to either cost, lack of attraction, or excess cals or carbs beyond the choices i do make, there are 8paks of regularsized reeses (8x8g carb and 640 cals per package) with the little zipoff muffinpapers and the oilstained cardboard supports beneath, and other days subsequently i also end up getting reeses snacksize with caramel (16x12g carb and 1600 cals per package), with little muffinpapers but no cardboard -- no surprise that eating a few of the latter often leaves me feeling slightly queasy -- i take an extra metformin now and then --

am i punishing myself or medicating myself in Arbeitangst? it comes to me that after the mailbox messageslip i started digging around the upper inner curve of my ear, a place where i know for years there has often been a small scab that will come off, releasing blood that simply repeats the scab cycle on a larger scale if i don't make myself leave it alone -- i hate that, but now and then i mess with it, kind of like picking at my fingers out of nervous energy (bad or good), only less visible -- actually, my fingers are looking ok these days, no doriangrey thing happening there, but i have to stop messing with that spot at the top of my earcurve (what's the word for that place or area?) --

i check for a. on i.m. 6ish, she's ther 645ish, but doesn't really have time to talk till after 7 --

A (11/3/2006 7:08:58 PM): left a message for [my main therapist]
A (11/3/2006 7:09:06 PM): i imagine she'll call back later
G (11/3/2006 7:10:38 PM): k
G (11/3/2006 7:10:51 PM): ate something?
A (11/3/2006 7:11:58 PM): not yet
A (11/3/2006 7:12:04 PM): i'm not hungry yet
G (11/3/2006 7:12:38 PM): dont eat if not hungry, always good policy i say -- not that i've alwys followed it in my life :-)
G (11/3/2006 7:12:51 PM): so doing what then?
G (11/3/2006 7:12:54 PM): winding down?
A (11/3/2006 7:13:00 PM): hanging out - yes, winding down
A (11/3/2006 7:13:31 PM): it is good to not have to do anything
G (11/3/2006 7:13:41 PM): sometimes, yep
A (11/3/2006 7:13:46 PM): and i'm hoping tomorrow i can accomplish a few things
G (11/3/2006 7:13:54 PM): what's on the agenda?
A (11/3/2006 7:13:56 PM): don't want to make major plans
A (11/3/2006 7:14:09 PM): would just like to be able to see some things get done
A (11/3/2006 7:14:15 PM): that would be enough for me right now
G (11/3/2006 7:14:24 PM): ok, house stuff, that might feel good
A (11/3/2006 7:14:56 PM): yep
G (11/3/2006 7:15:00 PM): and tonight just veg
G (11/3/2006 7:15:10 PM): so not tired tomorrow
A (11/3/2006 7:15:17 PM): and i'd like to go to barclay's teacher store in downtown brooklyn too, but we will see
G (11/3/2006 7:15:32 PM): right
A (11/3/2006 7:15:37 PM): i might leave that for another day and try to see my brother on sunday afternoon
G (11/3/2006 7:15:47 PM): what's up with him?
A (11/3/2006 7:16:31 PM): he's in argentina right now and i just haven't seen him much lately - not since my birthday, and not for quite a while before that
G (11/3/2006 7:16:48 PM): but home sunday?
A (11/3/2006 7:16:56 PM): yes, i think he gets in sat night
G (11/3/2006 7:17:03 PM): k
G (11/3/2006 7:17:34 PM): did you sleep well last night?
A (11/3/2006 7:17:52 PM): i woke up around 3:30 but went back to sleep
G (11/3/2006 7:17:58 PM): so np?
A (11/3/2006 7:18:25 PM): no major issues
A (11/3/2006 7:18:36 PM): i was wiped by the time i went to bed
G (11/3/2006 7:19:15 PM): well, yes, you were hours thinking about problem stuff, from like 6-10pm with no break, yes?
A (11/3/2006 7:19:47 PM): i don't know if i was thinking about problem stuff as much as i was just feeling problem stuff - does that make any sense?
A (11/3/2006 7:20:40 PM): brb - water and it is cold in here
G (11/3/2006 7:20:45 PM): i was using 'think' very broadly -- not necessarily limited to logical or analytical concepts -- feeling is a kind of thinking too, yes? it goes on in the head
A (11/3/2006 7:22:50 PM): fuckit, nothing clean to drink out of
G (11/3/2006 7:23:14 PM): shit, how'd *that* happen???? :-)
A (11/3/2006 7:23:41 PM): ah, so then yes, with your definition then hardcore from about 6 - 10 and probably underlying most all the time! except when i'm really focused on teaching
G (11/3/2006 7:24:03 PM): well, one has to think about things in some form of thinking or other
G (11/3/2006 7:24:21 PM): tired
A (11/3/2006 7:24:36 PM): long day?
G (11/3/2006 7:24:49 PM): well, up early
A (11/3/2006 7:25:01 PM): yes, really early! why?
G (11/3/2006 7:25:04 PM): j wanted to go early to take care of her mom's cat before leaving for work
G (11/3/2006 7:25:09 PM): well
G (11/3/2006 7:25:15 PM): i woke up 5something
G (11/3/2006 7:25:36 PM): used to do that a fair amount in spring and summer, it was light already
G (11/3/2006 7:25:52 PM): in sept i was having a hard time getting up before 6something, still dark
G (11/3/2006 7:25:54 PM): but
G (11/3/2006 7:26:01 PM): partly knew i had to get up early
G (11/3/2006 7:26:26 PM): fell asleep by mistake and radio was on, woke up from that a couple of times for a minute or two in middle of night
G (11/3/2006 7:26:41 PM): woke up 5ish or soon after
G (11/3/2006 7:26:48 PM): yes, was worried about you, why not?
A (11/3/2006 7:27:07 PM): you were?
G (11/3/2006 7:27:22 PM): if i was doing what you were doing, would you be worried?
A (11/3/2006 7:27:37 PM): um, yes. i would be.
G (11/3/2006 7:27:46 PM): so i was worried yes
A (11/3/2006 7:27:46 PM): i'm not being coy
A (11/3/2006 7:27:52 PM): it hadn't occurred to me
G (11/3/2006 7:27:54 PM): you sound like it seems hard to believe
G (11/3/2006 7:28:25 PM): if you'd worry about me doing what you were doing, why wouldn't i when you do it?
A (11/3/2006 7:28:43 PM): i guess you would
G (11/3/2006 7:29:06 PM): so why is that surprising? seems pretty understandable
A (11/3/2006 7:29:49 PM): well, now that i think about it, it does make sense, but it wasn't something that i had realised
G (11/3/2006 7:30:24 PM): it's odd that you'd think that you could have such big problems and worries and i wouldn't be worried about you
G (11/3/2006 7:30:57 PM): sometimes i think that because you dont like yourself in some ways, you think other people must not care or worry about you
A (11/3/2006 7:31:25 PM): maybe
G (11/3/2006 7:31:42 PM): well, maybe you have other ideas :-)
A (11/3/2006 7:32:06 PM): you know better
G (11/3/2006 7:32:29 PM): thought i'd give it a whirl, you have ideas a good deal of the time
G (11/3/2006 7:32:49 PM): and when you say maybe, i wonder of you have some other idea in mind
A (11/3/2006 7:33:09 PM): i was just thinking about whether i like myself or not
G (11/3/2006 7:33:15 PM): k
G (11/3/2006 7:33:29 PM): still thinking? :-)
A (11/3/2006 7:33:30 PM): i mean, i think i do
G (11/3/2006 7:33:37 PM): like yourself?
A (11/3/2006 7:33:41 PM): uh huh
A (11/3/2006 7:33:47 PM): i don't know
G (11/3/2006 7:34:00 PM): but you often seem to have negative feelings about yourself too
A (11/3/2006 7:34:01 PM): i don't always know who i am
G (11/3/2006 7:34:18 PM): everyone is complicated, none of us has just one personality
G (11/3/2006 7:34:24 PM): or do you mean something more than that?
A (11/3/2006 7:34:46 PM): i don't think i mean anything terribly deep
A (11/3/2006 7:35:03 PM): i just, i think like many people, seem to contradict myself
G (11/3/2006 7:35:08 PM): right
G (11/3/2006 7:35:10 PM): well
A (11/3/2006 7:35:13 PM): religious/pervy
G (11/3/2006 7:35:50 PM): why worry about it then? everyone has multiple parts? -- or you could think really hard and see how all the things fit together -- they do, after all, just takes thinking to get some sense of how
A (11/3/2006 7:35:51 PM): i'm sure there are others
A (11/3/2006 7:36:34 PM): i guess i'm not sure how they all fit together but i like that you say they do, because they must since they are all part of me
G (11/3/2006 7:36:59 PM): that last wording after the comma is the key, yes
G (11/3/2006 7:37:18 PM): any set of things partly fit together and partly conflict
G (11/3/2006 7:37:40 PM): nothing is free from conceptual conflicts with anything except itself
G (11/3/2006 7:37:52 PM): and any set of things has patterns and connections
G (11/3/2006 7:38:13 PM): the whole history of culture is mixing and matching various ideas into new blends
A (11/3/2006 7:39:08 PM): nothing new under the sun?
G (11/3/2006 7:39:14 PM): didnt say exactly that
G (11/3/2006 7:39:16 PM): but
G (11/3/2006 7:39:35 PM): new things are blends and extensions of existing ideas
G (11/3/2006 7:39:41 PM): new stuff doesnt come from nowhere
A (11/3/2006 7:40:04 PM): i'm following
G (11/3/2006 7:40:09 PM): new things are new
G (11/3/2006 7:40:21 PM): but the elements are existing elements from present or past
G (11/3/2006 7:41:02 PM): and any mix of things involves patterns that are partly harmonious and partly conflicting -- or, to use a less harsh or negative term, complementary
G (11/3/2006 7:42:09 PM): i wouldnt worry about judaic pervy, i dont think you are anywhere near the first to exhibit that mix, right?
A (11/3/2006 7:42:20 PM): probably not
A (11/3/2006 7:42:47 PM): most certainly not
G (11/3/2006 7:42:50 PM): right
G (11/3/2006 7:43:27 PM): well, think about how what you are or think might make sense or be ok or be functional, rather than the opposite(s)
G (11/3/2006 7:43:37 PM): whew, tired tonight...
A (11/3/2006 7:44:50 PM): got it!
A (11/3/2006 7:45:16 PM): so you should rest!
G (11/3/2006 7:45:21 PM): you too

and there was more, plus maybe a post-10 phonecall --

long day, long week...
linkpost comment

... and here's where i get tuesday's extra classday back ... [Nov. 2nd, 2006|10:03 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahalone]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, RHCP, "Under the Bridge"]

i feel guilty about falling asleep without celling a. -- so when i see she's said hi on i.m. on arising, the following ensues (note, no emoticons from her at all, as usual since soon after the moodpill started; on my side, i try to keep them down so i am not seeming to make an issue of them aggressively) --

A (11/2/2006 6:33:06 AM): good morning
G (11/2/2006 6:47:46 AM): hi
G (11/2/2006 6:47:51 AM): sorry
G (11/2/2006 6:48:02 AM): fell asleep, did you get sleep too?
G (11/2/2006 6:48:14 AM): woke up on couch at 1something
G (11/2/2006 6:48:22 AM): it's wet out now
G (11/2/2006 6:49:10 AM): i'll check back, am in kitchen
A (11/2/2006 6:49:19 AM): hi,
G (11/2/2006 6:49:22 AM): if i dont see you, have a good day
G (11/2/2006 6:49:22 AM): hi
A (11/2/2006 6:49:31 AM): i was just coming from the kitchen
G (11/2/2006 6:49:42 AM): everyone does a lot of the same stuff :-)
G (11/2/2006 6:49:54 AM): so did you get a lot of sleep?
A (11/2/2006 6:50:02 AM): i went to sleep around 9:30
G (11/2/2006 6:50:13 AM): feeling rested this morning?
A (11/2/2006 6:50:19 AM): but what is really cool is that i think i slept through the night
G (11/2/2006 6:50:24 AM): good for you
G (11/2/2006 6:50:33 AM): see how you feel today
A (11/2/2006 6:51:13 AM): what are your plans?
G (11/2/2006 6:51:17 AM): today?
G (11/2/2006 6:51:27 AM): type at school in morning, type at home in afternoon
A (11/2/2006 6:51:33 AM): whoo hooo
G (11/2/2006 6:51:34 AM): woo hoo
G (11/2/2006 6:51:36 AM): right
A (11/2/2006 6:51:37 AM): ha ha
G (11/2/2006 6:51:53 AM): and you'll be home 430-600 somewhere?
A (11/2/2006 6:52:11 AM): i certainly hope it is much closer to the 4:30 side, but yes
G (11/2/2006 6:52:13 AM): k
G (11/2/2006 6:52:23 AM): you feel in a good mood this morning?
G (11/2/2006 6:52:28 AM): or okay?
A (11/2/2006 6:52:47 AM): i'm okay to perhaps almost cautiously mildly good
G (11/2/2006 6:53:04 AM): sounds good, last evening you didn't seem all that happy somehow
A (11/2/2006 6:53:25 AM): i was tired and cranky and tired of being tired
G (11/2/2006 6:53:36 AM): ok, well, see how things go today
G (11/2/2006 6:53:50 AM): don't let the brats bug you :-P
A (11/2/2006 6:54:01 AM): i'll do my best!
G (11/2/2006 6:54:04 AM): uh huh
G (11/2/2006 6:54:17 AM): are you onschedule to leave on time?
A (11/2/2006 6:54:28 AM): close enough
A (11/2/2006 6:54:37 AM): i'm eating breakfast while we type
G (11/2/2006 6:54:42 AM): which is?
A (11/2/2006 6:54:51 AM): cottage cheese
G (11/2/2006 6:54:57 AM): sounds good
A (11/2/2006 6:55:11 AM): it is okay
G (11/2/2006 6:55:16 AM): did you end up feeling hungry last night after all, or not
A (11/2/2006 6:55:22 AM): i need food ideas that you don't have to cook
G (11/2/2006 6:55:24 AM): i always liked cottage cheese
A (11/2/2006 6:55:25 AM): i got pizza
G (11/2/2006 6:55:40 AM): well, experiment
G (11/2/2006 6:56:06 AM): during fall and winter i use soup, 2 or 2.5 minutes in microwave, that doesn't count as cooking right?
A (11/2/2006 6:56:08 AM): cottage cheese hadn't occurred to me - i saw [x], a neighbor in [a neighborhood store] the other night and she asked why i looked so forlorn
A (11/2/2006 6:56:30 AM): i said i couldn't think of what to have for dinner that i didn't have to cook - she suggested cottage cheese and fruit
A (11/2/2006 6:56:33 AM): i was thrilled
G (11/2/2006 6:56:48 AM): right that is traditional female smallmeal nocook food
A (11/2/2006 6:57:03 AM): i had no idea!
G (11/2/2006 6:57:59 AM): you haven't read women's magazines, i used to see cottage cheese and fruit all the time there as a kid, i think it was considered deitetic -- lowfat c.c., has protein, not too many calories, moderate carbs, not much fat if low fat
G (11/2/2006 6:58:29 AM): you get bored with it though, can't have it for every meal
A (11/2/2006 6:58:31 AM): that's true - don't read many women's magazines
A (11/2/2006 6:58:37 AM): that's also true
G (11/2/2006 6:59:04 AM): every month they would have some diet recipes and some pie and cake recipes, seemed kind of self-frustrating
G (11/2/2006 6:59:16 AM): first eat cc for most of month and lose 5, then make one pie and gain 5 back
A (11/2/2006 6:59:20 AM): classic!
A (11/2/2006 6:59:30 AM): i gotta run get dressed
G (11/2/2006 6:59:42 AM): k, tty tonight
G (11/2/2006 6:59:46 AM): have a good day
G (11/2/2006 6:59:50 AM): don't get wet
A (11/2/2006 6:59:52 AM): or cottage cheese on pie - instead of ice cream?
G (11/2/2006 6:59:57 AM): yeah wtf not
A (11/2/2006 7:00:03 AM): have umbrella, will travel
G (11/2/2006 7:00:05 AM): k
G (11/2/2006 7:00:07 AM): ttyl
G (11/2/2006 7:00:09 AM): :-)
A (11/2/2006 7:00:11 AM): have a good one

let's pretend at this remove (i'm writing this near the end of dec. with few notes) that this thurs morning was like any other tu/th morning from last week or previous, even though i well know that every otherwise rote day has its somewhat interesting 'departures' as i've taken to calling them here -- i walked a dog somewhere between 745 and 830, and spent from 830ish, or a bit later, till after 130 at school, typing --

actually, one deviation i definitely know of (jotted note): j. wanted up early (i called her, as requested), the plan being that, post coffeefetch, she'd walk, sipping, to her mom's apt, about half a mile west of sb and a block in north off the main street -- around a block and a half from where we got mcd's iced coffee for a week or two in july or so -- there, she planned to feed the cat and scoop the litter and get mail from mom's metal lobbybox, room 112, piling it on the kitchentable that's three feet inside the apt door -- anyhow, this particular weekday morningwalk deviation hereafter became frequent, and in fact standard rather than a deviation during nov/dec: rather than stopping at the bus stop near sb as i head down the cross street bankward and homeward, she now carries on westward, either down the south or north side of the street, parting with the dog and me as i go to head northward down the hill toward home --

and another thing i did actually write down on the second (sooner or later, i swear, i'll get all of the truth down here, even all the embarrassing bits -- i've already gotten a lot of the truth and a lot of the embarrassing stuff down here -- one never gets to all, but one has to strive to get closer) --

i'm working in one of the old groundfloor comprooms at work, and i realize i need to use the bathroom -- i try, if possible, to go at home before my shower, but i'll still need to use the bathroom, on a standup basis, several times during the morning, what with all the morning diuretics -- as usual, i don't use the bathroom for any purpose either later than ten minutes before a classchange starts, or earlier than ten minutes after one ends, the idea being privacy and quiet and not running into anyone i know or don't know in there, or on the way in or out -- i am ok with talking about bathroom stuff here in lj; it's part of anyone's r.l. -- but at work i see no reason not to keep it in the shadows as much as possible; there seem like far more upsides to that than downsides -- don't like the idea of doing something in r.l. that makes someone i deal with in (real) worklife think of me as doing bodily function stuff, either at that specific moment, or in general -- coffee'd andor tea'd up weekday mornings, i often make what proves to be a bit of an effort to wait till well past the end of a class change --

it also affects bathroom choice sometimes -- what last year and the year before was the honors lounge (i wrote a few first half of 05 lj entries in there) is now some administrative office, and a receptionist type person sits at a desk three feet from a wooden glass paneled door facing right at the men's room door a total of less than ten feet across the hall (it's so blatant that this building was never designed to be what it is, duh) -- sometimes i'll use the bathroom anyhow, especially if i see she is not facing the door and i am walking quietly on the carpet, and hence unlikely to be noted audibly before i can be inside and out of sight -- other times, i'll just figure i may as well walk up, instead, to the men's room that's isolated off the stairs and landing on two, right above the groundfloor loo, a two-stall two-urinal little closet that is even likelier to be quiet and unobserved --

and that's where i head today, because i need to go not one but two -- so two is the appropriate floor, as well as more insulated, cossetted, protected -- and in the window right next to the stall abutting the outside wall above the courtyard below stands a roll of institutional (thin, lowquality) t.p., which i grab as i enter the stall, just in case there's no t.p. left in the stall i'm picking -- i always use this stall in this room; it's a couple of feet further from the oldtime chest-to-floor urinals that are jammed in between the entrydoor and the stall abutting the insidefacing wall --

i see there is however t.p. in the locked metal housing in here -- locked b/c people must take t.p. from restrooms all the time -- and i'm gonna take the spare -- i have done that now and then here -- it's not highquality, but i don't need highquality, and they have rooked me out of so many things here over the last five years that i can't do anything about directly -- yes, a 30cent roll of t.p. is as far from being related to that as it is from compensating for that, but we do what we can -- wtf, i feel less and less like i belong here anyway, nor never did -- depressing highschooly place, really; i would always glimpse that, but then, hastily and with false contructiveness, would tell myself no, i was being ungenerous and pointlessly making myself unhappy -- so: often, here as in other areas, i tend to just suck it up, not think about it, work through it, ignore it -- even just the physical plant: this building used to be a catholic girls school, like that gradeschool-looking bulletinboard in the rear lobby of this building says, the one that i passed on the way upstairs and will again on the way back down -- yes, that's so obvious: making allowances for being twentieth rather than nineteenth century, its got that workhousy aura -- please sir, can i have some more? in a word, no -- lowood...

but now i don't have to buy tp --

i stop by kf before the school rush can set in: final day of the progresso limitsix twofer special, and the shelves are depleted and slim pickins (many eligible varieties have no or only one can left): i select two newengland clam chowder (22 grams carb per 8oz serving in a ~19oz can), two steak and homestyle noodles (16g), one chicken and homestyle noodles (14g), and one creamy chicken wild rice (13g), 2.69 per set of two cans; five cans campbells condensed chicken noodle, 3.00 the lot; and one more onsale cauliflower, .99; 12.06 total paid for with a ten, two ones, a dime, and a penny (at least i avoid picking up four pennies i then have to try to get rid of), 1:57pm --

at home, in the freezer, i have some reeses frozen from prior days -- reeses are nice, both roomtemp and frozen, in some ways similar whatever temp, in some ways different at 70 and at 0 -- yes, i'm eating too many carbs w/ this candy, but the leftover candy won't be there on sale in the store for long --

then, laundry in basement, which takes three or so hours of trips every 30-60 minutes -- washer takes about half an hour, dryer close to an hour on low (to keep from harming the clothes too much) -- i write myself a pencil note on a paperscrap to remind myself to get the clothes out of the dryer at the right time, avoiding any risk of running into bitchface by neglecting to be done with the basement before she gets home, which these days usually happens somewhere between six and eight, but can occur, on a highly irregular basis, as early as fourthirty or five --

i make another cauliflower and cheese sauce, but this time getting too casual i forget to put the cheese in at the right time, and end up retroadding it after pouring the sauce over the cauliflower (i microwave the whole thing to warm the cheese, then stir the melting cheese into the sauce) -- consuming half, i leave the rest for when i'm presumably hungry and tired after work tomorrow --

a. home 545ish, on i.m. 645ish -- her moodissues and pillissues don't seem to be improving --

G (11/2/2006 6:50:02 PM): new [again increased] dose started tuesday morning?
A (11/2/2006 6:50:15 PM): yep
G (11/2/2006 6:50:31 PM): did he tell you why he chose the ssri he chose, btw?
A (11/2/2006 6:50:53 PM): brb phone
A (11/2/2006 6:51:26 PM): [donwhall neighbor], i didn't answer
G (11/2/2006 6:51:41 PM): k
A (11/2/2006 6:51:43 PM): i'll call her back in a few
G (11/2/2006 6:51:45 PM): k
A (11/2/2006 6:51:52 PM): no, he didn't say why he chose that one
G (11/2/2006 6:52:38 PM): well, maybe it is an ok one for you, but try asking him
G (11/2/2006 6:52:48 PM): you dont need to be passive about that :-)
G (11/2/2006 6:52:59 PM): asking
G (11/2/2006 6:53:28 PM): hey
A (11/2/2006 6:53:33 PM): well, i figure he must have had his reasons
A (11/2/2006 6:53:33 PM): yes
G (11/2/2006 6:53:54 PM): what did your [main] therapist say about it? probably nothing?
G (11/2/2006 6:54:50 PM): she recc'ed the psychopharmacologist, yes? so she must think his recs are ok, at least
A (11/2/2006 6:55:35 PM): yes, i got his name from her - and she asked me the name, has asked about dosing, how i'm feeling and that sort
G (11/2/2006 6:56:43 PM): what did she say to what you said?
A (11/2/2006 6:57:51 PM): she didn't say much - she did say to pay close attention to how i feel, and to call her if i needed to, and especially if i started feeling really bad
G (11/2/2006 6:58:15 PM): have you felt really bad at all?
A (11/2/2006 6:59:01 PM): when i first started it there were a couple of days when i felt pretty bad
G (11/2/2006 6:59:29 PM): but not since then? that's 2.5 weeks ago yes?
A (11/2/2006 7:00:21 PM): right, i wouldn't say i've felt good, but the bad i've felt hasn't been a frightening kind of bad
A (11/2/2006 7:00:42 PM): and that may not have been the medicine at all
G (11/2/2006 7:00:49 PM): so that's probably not a pillcaused negative thing
G (11/2/2006 7:00:51 PM): right
A (11/2/2006 7:01:04 PM): i was headed that way, which is why medicine was recommended
G (11/2/2006 7:01:31 PM): i dont really hear that much about that, do i?
G (11/2/2006 7:01:48 PM): that's not a criticism or anything
A (11/2/2006 7:01:50 PM): no, you don't
G (11/2/2006 7:02:05 PM): do you have ideas why?
A (11/2/2006 7:02:13 PM): sure
A (11/2/2006 7:02:17 PM): it is hard to talk about
A (11/2/2006 7:02:25 PM): i don't want to bother people
A (11/2/2006 7:02:33 PM): for all i talk i am actually a rather private person
G (11/2/2006 7:03:09 PM): you are afraid i'll find it annoying or upsetting or something, or will make me view you more negatively?
A (11/2/2006 7:03:19 PM): sure
A (11/2/2006 7:03:31 PM): and also, i don't want it written down [in i.m. and lj]
G (11/2/2006 7:04:03 PM): well, you could talk on the phone or in person, then you wouldnt need to worry about writteness
A (11/2/2006 7:04:03 PM): who wants to hear troubles all the time?
G (11/2/2006 7:04:11 PM): no one, all the time
G (11/2/2006 7:04:16 PM): but they are part of life
G (11/2/2006 7:04:59 PM): so you get to talk about them some
G (11/2/2006 7:05:14 PM): keep them oral if you want them oralonly
G (11/2/2006 7:05:19 PM): but
G (11/2/2006 7:05:41 PM): i still think you dont want me to think about you that way, that's more of an issue than writteness
A (11/2/2006 7:05:57 PM): i don't want anyone to think about me that way!
G (11/2/2006 7:06:14 PM): well sure
G (11/2/2006 7:06:16 PM): but
G (11/2/2006 7:06:24 PM): what about [your best friend] m[.] for example?
G (11/2/2006 7:06:42 PM): etc
A (11/2/2006 7:06:51 PM): i tell her some things - but i haven't talked to her about how i've been feeling lately
A (11/2/2006 7:06:59 PM): haven't told anyone
A (11/2/2006 7:07:03 PM): usually don't
G (11/2/2006 7:07:13 PM): so if they are manageable or minor problems, you tell her, if major you dont :-)
A (11/2/2006 7:07:20 PM): well, if i were face to face i probably would a little bit
A (11/2/2006 7:07:39 PM): m[.] gets more than most people
A (11/2/2006 7:07:43 PM): but sortof, yes
A (11/2/2006 7:08:16 PM): but it isn't like i can just say, "x is bothering me"
A (11/2/2006 7:08:24 PM): it is such a mishmash of everything
A (11/2/2006 7:08:30 PM): and a variety of feelings
G (11/2/2006 7:08:30 PM): you and she always update one another about lifestuff
A (11/2/2006 7:08:53 PM): right
A (11/2/2006 7:09:09 PM): she knows i started medicine again
G (11/2/2006 7:09:21 PM): but if things are too big and too negative you dont want her thinking of you that way, or bothering her, etc?
A (11/2/2006 7:09:22 PM): no one else does
A (11/2/2006 7:09:32 PM): no, it isn't that
G (11/2/2006 7:09:34 PM): ok
A (11/2/2006 7:09:58 PM): i can't put what is going on simply into words - hard to explain
A (11/2/2006 7:10:12 PM): and i can have many levels of feelings all at once
G (11/2/2006 7:10:17 PM): well, that's why it's impt to think about it and try to work it out better in words
A (11/2/2006 7:10:25 PM): i can be very very sad but enjoy talking with you
G (11/2/2006 7:10:30 PM): complex doesnt mean give up
G (11/2/2006 7:10:36 PM): complex means think more carefully
A (11/2/2006 7:10:41 PM): well, that's what therapy is for
G (11/2/2006 7:10:49 PM): that's an hour a week
A (11/2/2006 7:10:52 PM): a safe place to think carefully
A (11/2/2006 7:11:18 PM): i think during the week
G (11/2/2006 7:11:49 PM): what have you worked through since sunday, this is thur night -- or cant you talk about the actual content?
A (11/2/2006 7:12:17 PM): it isn't straightforward like that
G (11/2/2006 7:12:18 PM): tea in microwave, back in a minute
A (11/2/2006 7:12:24 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 7:12:25 PM): ok, think some if you want
G (11/2/2006 7:12:26 PM): or not
G (11/2/2006 7:12:28 PM): :-)
G (11/2/2006 7:12:29 PM): brb
G (11/2/2006 7:15:09 PM): hmm
A (11/2/2006 7:15:21 PM): oh, you were expecting something
A (11/2/2006 7:15:26 PM): sorry about that
G (11/2/2006 7:15:36 PM): well, talk about what you are willing to talk about, dont talk about what you are not willing to talk about :-)
G (11/2/2006 7:15:42 PM): you were thinking O:-)
A (11/2/2006 7:16:12 PM): i was thinking about calling [my regular therapist]!
G (11/2/2006 7:16:25 PM): am i making trouble?
A (11/2/2006 7:16:31 PM): not too much
A (11/2/2006 7:16:37 PM): you do okay
G (11/2/2006 7:16:38 PM): that's a nuanced yes
A (11/2/2006 7:16:48 PM): it is okay
A (11/2/2006 7:16:51 PM): really
G (11/2/2006 7:17:09 PM): well, i worry about you and i wonder what's going on sometimes when i realize there's a lot you don't mention
G (11/2/2006 7:17:29 PM): because i know you tell me a lot
G (11/2/2006 7:17:35 PM): but you also keep a lot to yourself
A (11/2/2006 7:17:55 PM): all correct
G (11/2/2006 7:18:01 PM): right, natural in a way
A (11/2/2006 7:18:31 PM): but i'm always surprised when you think that i can just tell you what we worked on in therapy - almost like analyzing a passage from a text
G (11/2/2006 7:18:47 PM): well, i did therapy [in 02-04, so i know what it's like]
A (11/2/2006 7:18:50 PM): it is so much more cyclical than that - and all looped together in weird ways
G (11/2/2006 7:18:58 PM): i could not give an exact transcript of 60 mins
G (11/2/2006 7:18:58 PM): but
G (11/2/2006 7:19:06 PM): i could give digests of major topics
G (11/2/2006 7:19:19 PM): and little conversation snippets that were especially impt/memorable
A (11/2/2006 7:19:32 PM): ah, yes, i imagine i could do that too
G (11/2/2006 7:19:36 PM): right
A (11/2/2006 7:19:39 PM): and sometimes i share them with you
G (11/2/2006 7:19:45 PM): i am not thinking of a full transcript
G (11/2/2006 7:19:48 PM): right
G (11/2/2006 7:20:00 PM): just wondering what the issues are and how things are going
G (11/2/2006 7:20:43 PM): but naturally you dont tell me about therapy stuff that touches on things you want to keep to yourself overall in the first place
A (11/2/2006 7:20:46 PM): i think things are moving forward which is also part of why i think things have been really hard of late
G (11/2/2006 7:20:56 PM): well, that's good
A (11/2/2006 7:21:16 PM): you actually know everything, i really think you do, but i just can't talk about it with you
A (11/2/2006 7:21:32 PM): i mean i know you can't know everything
A (11/2/2006 7:21:39 PM): but you know the gist of things
G (11/2/2006 7:21:49 PM): well, yup, i bet i could sit here and type a few hundred words that would touch on most stuff, maybe even things you have never discussed at all
A (11/2/2006 7:21:53 PM): but safe is important
G (11/2/2006 7:21:58 PM): right
A (11/2/2006 7:22:33 PM): i'm sure that between what i've told you, what you know about people, and what you've observed about me you could probably tell me some things I haven't even thought of!
G (11/2/2006 7:22:54 PM): who knows, you could tell me things about me i havent thought of
G (11/2/2006 7:23:14 PM): that's the fact that any two people have different perspectives and have had different thoughts about the same stuff
G (11/2/2006 7:23:32 PM): anyway
G (11/2/2006 7:23:41 PM): i am not giving you a hard time i hope?
A (11/2/2006 7:23:49 PM): no, you are doing fine!
G (11/2/2006 7:25:02 PM): well, i have noticed you are more sleepy, tired, withdrawn, flat, and then i read about your ssri, which some people like and some dont -- so i wonder how things are going and if i should be less handsoff and ask questions or say whatever i see, whether it's accurate or not
A (11/2/2006 7:25:26 PM): ask questions and say what you see
G (11/2/2006 7:25:30 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 7:25:38 PM): [i] just summarized, at beginning of last segment
A (11/2/2006 7:25:39 PM): without ever having said it
G (11/2/2006 7:25:44 PM): ?
A (11/2/2006 7:25:55 PM): i'm counting on you to help me analyse this medicine
G (11/2/2006 7:26:00 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 7:26:02 PM): well
A (11/2/2006 7:26:12 PM): and to catch any warning signs of impending trouble
G (11/2/2006 7:26:18 PM): all i get is half hour or hour of im [per day], and 10-15 minute phone call
G (11/2/2006 7:26:33 PM): but you sound better tonight actually than other nights
A (11/2/2006 7:26:35 PM): you pick up a lot in a half hour of IM
G (11/2/2006 7:26:40 PM): yep
A (11/2/2006 7:26:45 PM): and who else am i talking with?
G (11/2/2006 7:26:51 PM): i even have statistical measures
G (11/2/2006 7:26:53 PM): :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:26:58 PM): you do?
G (11/2/2006 7:27:08 PM): cant tell you, or you might alter them :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:27:31 PM): too funny!
A (11/2/2006 7:27:36 PM): are you for real?
G (11/2/2006 7:27:42 PM): i have
A (11/2/2006 7:27:42 PM): is this like a punctuation thing?
G (11/2/2006 7:27:48 PM): just to check my own impression
A (11/2/2006 7:27:48 PM): or an emoticon thing?
G (11/2/2006 7:27:57 PM): this and that
A (11/2/2006 7:27:59 PM): like real statistics?
G (11/2/2006 7:28:05 PM): i dont write them down
G (11/2/2006 7:28:22 PM): but i can look through im's, sure
G (11/2/2006 7:28:24 PM): hmmm
G (11/2/2006 7:28:30 PM): you already know about emoticons
G (11/2/2006 7:28:55 PM): go and scroll through im's and look at g emoticons and a emoticons, before pill and after
G (11/2/2006 7:29:07 PM): pick some im's from summer or spring or last winter [in your yahoo i.m. archive]
G (11/2/2006 7:29:14 PM): then take some in the last few weeks
A (11/2/2006 7:29:15 PM): i use a lot less now
A (11/2/2006 7:29:16 PM): i know that
G (11/2/2006 7:29:23 PM): tonight 7-0
A (11/2/2006 7:29:29 PM): i've used none?
G (11/2/2006 7:29:31 PM): i am not using a lot either :-P
G (11/2/2006 7:29:35 PM): nope
G (11/2/2006 7:29:40 PM): you usually use none now
G (11/2/2006 7:29:50 PM): 7-0 was the stat some other night recently too
A (11/2/2006 7:29:56 PM): hmmm
A (11/2/2006 7:30:11 PM): so if i want to fool you into thinking i'm doing well i should use emoticons
G (11/2/2006 7:30:12 PM): you dont want to display emotions? :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:30:22 PM): i don't feel a lot of emotions
G (11/2/2006 7:30:22 PM): see, that one's ruined now
G (11/2/2006 7:30:24 PM): but i have others
A (11/2/2006 7:30:35 PM): i think you'd catch on anyhow
G (11/2/2006 7:30:40 PM): right
A (11/2/2006 7:30:41 PM): and i try to stay very honest with you
A (11/2/2006 7:30:48 PM): i like it better
G (11/2/2006 7:30:57 PM): but go look at some daily archives from recently and further back, huge difference
G (11/2/2006 7:31:59 PM): i could make a joke, but it might bug you
A (11/2/2006 7:32:08 PM): hmmm
A (11/2/2006 7:32:25 PM): will you help me through it if it does?
G (11/2/2006 7:32:36 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 7:32:38 PM): hmm
A (11/2/2006 7:32:38 PM): 'cause you know now i'm curious
G (11/2/2006 7:32:41 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 7:32:44 PM): one sec
G (11/2/2006 7:35:15 PM): if this was my relationship with rnl, and you suddenly started using no emoticons, with all my experience i'd now be wondering if you were about to 'break up' with me, but either kidding yourself about it or kidding me about it or both -- that's a me-focused joke, not focused against you, so it shouldn't bug you too much, but i know in general rnl is a touchy topic to you
G (11/2/2006 7:35:42 PM): that was complicated to word :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:35:57 PM): that was complicated to word!
G (11/2/2006 7:36:09 PM): well, took 2.5 mins
A (11/2/2006 7:36:21 PM): but you were being careful to be unoffensive
G (11/2/2006 7:36:38 PM): i think it's really partly your flatter affect due to the ssri
G (11/2/2006 7:36:56 PM): and partly that you have negative feelings you dont want to bring out or go into
G (11/2/2006 7:37:05 PM): so: emoticons, forget those
A (11/2/2006 7:37:21 PM): i might use them again - if the feeling strikes
G (11/2/2006 7:37:30 PM): you're entitled :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:37:34 PM): so, no, i'm not breaking up with you
A (11/2/2006 7:37:43 PM): :-D
G (11/2/2006 7:37:47 PM): ok, well, there you go :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:38:08 PM): and yes, that one was for real
A (11/2/2006 7:38:16 PM): what are we anyhow?
G (11/2/2006 7:38:25 PM): but with my experience of life and people and relationships, i notice small stuff, because it often tells you important things that sometimes people dont even want to admit to themselves let alone to you
A (11/2/2006 7:38:28 PM): i know, i know, i'm supposed to figure that out
G (11/2/2006 7:38:47 PM): which is true here also, but not as in early 2005
G (11/2/2006 7:38:49 PM): anyway
G (11/2/2006 7:38:51 PM): well
G (11/2/2006 7:38:55 PM): where are we?
G (11/2/2006 7:39:03 PM): i have written about that some in lj you know
G (11/2/2006 7:39:08 PM): actually you dont know
G (11/2/2006 7:39:09 PM): :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:39:19 PM): you are right, i don't know
A (11/2/2006 7:39:28 PM): certainly haven't read in the last two weeks
G (11/2/2006 7:39:32 PM): well
A (11/2/2006 7:39:38 PM): and hardly in the last few months
G (11/2/2006 7:39:41 PM): i'm now up till about 25 sept
G (11/2/2006 7:40:02 PM): and i know a week or so ago i did the day we went to the concert in manhattan
G (11/2/2006 7:40:10 PM): talked about that stuff some there
G (11/2/2006 7:40:22 PM): that was
G (11/2/2006 7:40:24 PM): hmmm
G (11/2/2006 7:40:27 PM): 17 sept
A (11/2/2006 7:41:00 PM): i guess i'm being self protective in a way
G (11/2/2006 7:41:04 PM): because
A (11/2/2006 7:41:09 PM): don't want to know anything that will bother me
G (11/2/2006 7:41:10 PM): if i said something negative
G (11/2/2006 7:41:16 PM): you wouldnt want to hear it
G (11/2/2006 7:41:21 PM): would rather not hear anything
G (11/2/2006 7:41:34 PM): dealing with enough of your own stuff
A (11/2/2006 7:41:35 PM): well, i don't want to overreact
G (11/2/2006 7:41:42 PM): dont need to have my ideas added on
A (11/2/2006 7:41:46 PM): and i'm a bit sensitive lately - dealing with my own shit
G (11/2/2006 7:41:50 PM): well
G (11/2/2006 7:42:04 PM): so then dont ask me 'where are we' if that's somewhere you really dont want to go
G (11/2/2006 7:42:16 PM): when you are ready to talk or read, that'll happen
A (11/2/2006 7:42:25 PM): i didn't say i don't want to go there
A (11/2/2006 7:42:36 PM): i said i hadn't read lj
G (11/2/2006 7:42:57 PM): well, what would i say in im that i wouldn't have said better there?
G (11/2/2006 7:43:08 PM): more detail, more nuance, etc
A (11/2/2006 7:43:23 PM): but i might read in lj things about your life that i don't really want to know
G (11/2/2006 7:43:34 PM): what would that class consist of?
A (11/2/2006 7:43:59 PM): i could live the rest of my life knowing nothing more about your bowel movements :-)
G (11/2/2006 7:44:16 PM): but that wouldnt keep you from reading it
G (11/2/2006 7:44:20 PM): that's not the issue
A (11/2/2006 7:44:22 PM): okay, i'm laughing over here
G (11/2/2006 7:44:30 PM): ha ha :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:44:31 PM): because i knew you wouldn't let me get away with that
A (11/2/2006 7:44:38 PM): even if it is true!
G (11/2/2006 7:44:52 PM): ok, *you* never do that... :-P
A (11/2/2006 7:45:37 PM): jeez, [downhall neighbor] at the door
G (11/2/2006 7:45:39 PM): do you feel you have successfully dodged the question now?
A (11/2/2006 7:45:41 PM): i'm so not in the mood
G (11/2/2006 7:45:55 PM): tell her youre on phone if you dont want to interact
G (11/2/2006 7:46:00 PM): do what works
A (11/2/2006 7:46:03 PM): brb
A (11/2/2006 7:47:12 PM): i just told her it was a bad time
A (11/2/2006 7:47:18 PM): she was cool
G (11/2/2006 7:47:33 PM): k

this discussion went on, on and off (mainly on), until nearly 11 -- a. is not feeling right, is worried about her mood and her life, is kind of freaking a little, or getting close, at various points -- and she obviously wants to know how i can affect her life, which might be an easier thing for her than figuring out how to have large autogenic effects on her own issues -- and meanwhile, aa from georgia is getting off work and calling on the way home, which at a certain point above leaves me juggling, and then of course j. gets home as usual these days at a certain point in the 7pm hour (see the discussion gap on my side, above) -- after i'm off the phone i tell j. i've been talking with my parents; ever since her arrival home i've been making sure to stick to innocuous lifestuff updates -- but on and on a. and i go, on i.m., till nearly 11 -- where the transcript picks up, we are talking about our sexlives aside from with one another --

G (11/2/2006 7:55:42 PM): so when we were not together [sexually/romantically in june-august] i should have been celibate?
A (11/2/2006 7:55:49 PM): no
A (11/2/2006 7:56:00 PM): so are we together?
G (11/2/2006 7:56:07 PM): but for me to hear about [your occasional poly sexpartner from va. named] l[.] is ok?
A (11/2/2006 7:56:41 PM): i said no
A (11/2/2006 7:56:58 PM): are you jealous?
G (11/2/2006 7:57:37 PM): how could i be? we were not together at all then
A (11/2/2006 7:58:05 PM): doesn't mean you couldn't be
G (11/2/2006 7:59:09 PM): so that means i dont like you enough if i am not jealous enough, is that it?
A (11/2/2006 7:59:23 PM): uh oh, that isn't what i mean at all
G (11/2/2006 7:59:30 PM): go ahead
A (11/2/2006 7:59:41 PM): but it sounds like we are headed into argument territory
G (11/2/2006 7:59:59 PM): not necessarily
G (11/2/2006 8:00:08 PM): :-)
A (11/2/2006 8:00:25 PM): just because someone is right to have a sex life doesn't mean that another person can't be jealous about it
A (11/2/2006 8:00:57 PM): and it probably (i'm going to regret this) says more about the jealous person's insecurities than it does the other
G (11/2/2006 8:01:04 PM): and so you are?
A (11/2/2006 8:01:50 PM): and so i am?
G (11/2/2006 8:01:58 PM): are you?
A (11/2/2006 8:02:03 PM): jealous?
A (11/2/2006 8:02:06 PM): or insecure?
G (11/2/2006 8:02:09 PM): either
A (11/2/2006 8:02:19 PM): what do you think?
G (11/2/2006 8:02:38 PM): yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A (11/2/2006 8:02:53 PM): not nearly enough exclamation points!
G (11/2/2006 8:03:29 PM): HA HA
G (11/2/2006 8:03:36 PM): and why is that?
A (11/2/2006 8:03:49 PM): it is simple really
A (11/2/2006 8:04:08 PM): i want you to like me more than you like anyone else
G (11/2/2006 8:04:48 PM): define like more
A (11/2/2006 8:05:17 PM): oh wow
A (11/2/2006 8:05:18 PM): um
G (11/2/2006 8:05:23 PM): go ahead
G (11/2/2006 8:06:48 PM): was that a stupid q?
G (11/2/2006 8:07:18 PM): there are lots of aspects of like, some may be part of your definition some not
A (11/2/2006 8:07:30 PM): a stupid question? i don't think so. i'm having a hard time answering it
G (11/2/2006 8:07:35 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 8:07:37 PM): go ahead
A (11/2/2006 8:07:56 PM): has to do with emotional connection
A (11/2/2006 8:08:05 PM): spending time
A (11/2/2006 8:08:12 PM): daily life events
G (11/2/2006 8:08:18 PM): what's emotional connection based on?
A (11/2/2006 8:08:21 PM): talking
A (11/2/2006 8:09:25 PM): um, emotional connection has to do with like how important that person is and how much of your life experiences you share with them and what you can tell them and how honest you can be
G (11/2/2006 8:09:48 PM): ok well
G (11/2/2006 8:11:31 PM): taking that definition
G (11/2/2006 8:12:50 PM): dont we do a lot of that? do you think k gets more of that than you?
A (11/2/2006 8:13:14 PM): i knew you were going to do that!
A (11/2/2006 8:13:23 PM): i don't think k gets more of that
G (11/2/2006 8:13:29 PM): is that bad?
A (11/2/2006 8:14:08 PM): it isn't so bad
G (11/2/2006 8:14:30 PM): doesnt she get less than that
G (11/2/2006 8:15:01 PM): hang on one sec
A (11/2/2006 8:15:06 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 8:29:50 PM): ok, you want to know if k gets less time and energy than you?
G (11/2/2006 8:29:59 PM): let's think about how to objectify that
A (11/2/2006 8:30:09 PM): not just k
A (11/2/2006 8:30:10 PM): j
A (11/2/2006 8:30:12 PM): h [from late summer]
A (11/2/2006 8:30:13 PM): aa [in georgia]
G (11/2/2006 8:30:27 PM): i cant discuss all at once
A (11/2/2006 8:30:32 PM): that's true
G (11/2/2006 8:30:34 PM): each comparison is a comparison
G (11/2/2006 8:30:39 PM): pick one for first
A (11/2/2006 8:31:01 PM): j
G (11/2/2006 8:31:05 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 8:31:17 PM): let me check your initial set of criteria again
G (11/2/2006 8:31:32 PM): emotional connection has to do with like how important that person is and how much of your life experiences you share with them and what you can tell them and how honest you can be
G (11/2/2006 8:31:57 PM): you know more about my overall life experiences since 2002 than she does
G (11/2/2006 8:32:18 PM): do i seem really honest with her, more so than with you? as much as with you?
A (11/2/2006 8:32:21 PM): but you share everyday life with her
G (11/2/2006 8:32:27 PM): let's see
A (11/2/2006 8:32:39 PM): for honesty - my guess is no
G (11/2/2006 8:32:48 PM): i see her part of from 7 till 8 am
G (11/2/2006 8:33:00 PM): part of from 8 till 10 pm
G (11/2/2006 8:33:07 PM): some of the weekend
G (11/2/2006 8:33:18 PM): but not talking with her during a lot of that time
G (11/2/2006 8:33:27 PM): share means in same living space?
G (11/2/2006 8:33:31 PM): or more than that?
A (11/2/2006 8:33:45 PM): no, i guess it really does mean more than that
G (11/2/2006 8:34:10 PM): i would say she and i talk maybe under 30 minutes a day, direct conversation, weekdays
G (11/2/2006 8:34:29 PM): weekends vary depending on how much she or i are not here in the house
G (11/2/2006 8:35:06 PM): so how does emotional connection comparison stack up there?
A (11/2/2006 8:35:23 PM): probably not too good
G (11/2/2006 8:35:27 PM): for who?
A (11/2/2006 8:35:38 PM): for her
G (11/2/2006 8:35:52 PM): well, you and i talk how much a day? average an hour?
A (11/2/2006 8:36:01 PM): probably so
G (11/2/2006 8:36:04 PM): k
G (11/2/2006 8:36:05 PM): but
G (11/2/2006 8:36:07 PM): then again
G (11/2/2006 8:36:11 PM): to be honest
G (11/2/2006 8:36:28 PM): let's bear in mind she and i did a lot of stuff together for 25 years
G (11/2/2006 8:36:31 PM): that adds up
G (11/2/2006 8:36:46 PM): but about the present, i think your sense of the comparison is probably accurate
A (11/2/2006 8:36:46 PM): thank you!
G (11/2/2006 8:37:04 PM): ty why?
A (11/2/2006 8:37:17 PM): i think i factor in the 20 odd years - the ty was for that
G (11/2/2006 8:37:23 PM): well yes
G (11/2/2006 8:37:31 PM): past and present are related
G (11/2/2006 8:37:35 PM): but they are not the same
G (11/2/2006 8:38:06 PM): so for doing a comparison you have to ask is past relevant or not, and if so to what degree -- the answer to that would differ depending on what you are trying to measure
G (11/2/2006 8:38:29 PM): current daytoday connection
G (11/2/2006 8:38:38 PM): or total accumulated shared experiences
G (11/2/2006 8:38:50 PM): those are not identical necessarily, and arent in this case
A (11/2/2006 8:39:00 PM): hmmm, probably current day to day
G (11/2/2006 8:39:11 PM): well, that was the first comparison we did
G (11/2/2006 8:39:26 PM): i added in asterisk about cumulative past
G (11/2/2006 8:39:36 PM): so
G (11/2/2006 8:39:51 PM): did we cover your emotional connection criteria, or did we miss part?
A (11/2/2006 8:40:38 PM): see you are being logical, and i am being emotional, but i think it may be covered
G (11/2/2006 8:41:55 PM): well, if i talk about emotional only i may not be responding to what you want but only expressing something of my own, so i tried to get you to break down what liking is and you started listing four or five things, but each of them would take maybe several hours to discuss, so it takes time
A (11/2/2006 8:42:23 PM): and that is one of the things i both love and hate about you!
G (11/2/2006 8:42:29 PM): we talked about one criterion for comparison in regard to one woman
G (11/2/2006 8:42:41 PM): and it took like 20 minutes or so
G (11/2/2006 8:42:48 PM): which is fine
G (11/2/2006 8:42:52 PM): but it takes time
G (11/2/2006 8:43:29 PM): hmmm
G (11/2/2006 8:44:26 PM): one way to narrow it down would be for you to say who you think you are worried is 'liked more' based on what criteria -- you kind of did one example of that with j re the timespent component of emotional connection
G (11/2/2006 8:45:22 PM): or are you hating this now? :-P
A (11/2/2006 8:45:30 PM): i'm not hating it
A (11/2/2006 8:45:38 PM): i was thinking that i want to know why you like me
A (11/2/2006 8:46:55 PM): btw - i'm not gone, i just made myself invisible [on i.m.]
G (11/2/2006 8:47:39 PM): that's so?
A (11/2/2006 8:48:00 PM): that's so i don't get distracted
G (11/2/2006 8:48:04 PM): ah
A (11/2/2006 8:48:07 PM): brb - water
G (11/2/2006 8:48:08 PM): who else is around?
G (11/2/2006 8:48:10 PM): k
A (11/2/2006 8:48:13 PM): l[. from va.]
G (11/2/2006 8:48:21 PM): you can talk to him a bit if you want
G (11/2/2006 8:48:25 PM): i'm not jealous :-P
G (11/2/2006 8:48:30 PM): ha ha
A (11/2/2006 8:50:12 PM): cute
A (11/2/2006 8:50:18 PM): i wouldn't mind if you were
A (11/2/2006 8:50:25 PM): just a little
G (11/2/2006 8:51:11 PM): i'm a big boy :-)
G (11/2/2006 8:51:12 PM): :-P
G (11/2/2006 8:51:27 PM): he was talking to you?
A (11/2/2006 8:51:32 PM): no, he wasn't
A (11/2/2006 8:51:37 PM): we talked the other night
G (11/2/2006 8:51:45 PM): just didnt want him to start at an inopportune moment, ok
A (11/2/2006 8:51:52 PM): exactly
G (11/2/2006 8:51:53 PM): what happened the other night?
A (11/2/2006 8:52:10 PM): nothing much, we just chatted, he will be in town over thanksgiving
G (11/2/2006 8:52:17 PM): ah
G (11/2/2006 8:52:18 PM): right
G (11/2/2006 8:52:20 PM): three weeks
G (11/2/2006 8:52:27 PM): anyway
G (11/2/2006 8:52:28 PM): ok
A (11/2/2006 8:53:34 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 8:53:53 PM): seems innocuous -- what, should i bug you about it?
A (11/2/2006 8:54:22 PM): no, it was innocuous
G (11/2/2006 8:54:37 PM): what a disappointment :-P
A (11/2/2006 8:54:47 PM): hey now!
G (11/2/2006 8:54:50 PM): ha ha
A (11/2/2006 8:55:08 PM): i can make it juicy if you want
G (11/2/2006 8:55:14 PM): only if it's true
G (11/2/2006 8:55:15 PM): :-P
A (11/2/2006 8:56:02 PM): it would require more IMs with him, but i am sure i could work it out
G (11/2/2006 8:56:13 PM): np whatever :-P
G (11/2/2006 8:56:19 PM): ha ha
A (11/2/2006 8:56:32 PM): mmmm hmmmmm, thanks so very much
A (11/2/2006 8:56:44 PM): so nice to know you care
G (11/2/2006 8:56:54 PM): teasing, come on
G (11/2/2006 8:57:05 PM): you dont want me to bug you about it do you?
A (11/2/2006 8:57:19 PM): you can sometimes
G (11/2/2006 8:57:53 PM): i am able to? or i have permission to?
A (11/2/2006 8:58:15 PM): you may sometimes
G (11/2/2006 8:58:33 PM): np, wasnt sure if you were being vernacular or not
A (11/2/2006 8:58:44 PM): nah, i was being a bad english teacher
G (11/2/2006 8:58:47 PM): ha ha
G (11/2/2006 8:59:00 PM): in 100 200 years that will be a historical relic
G (11/2/2006 8:59:05 PM): languages do change
A (11/2/2006 8:59:10 PM): i'm just ahead of the curve
G (11/2/2006 8:59:22 PM): but yes, for now permission is, in formal english, still may
A (11/2/2006 8:59:40 PM): it would be a shame to lose that distinction though, don't you think?
G (11/2/2006 8:59:42 PM): we tend to use may for possibility now
A (11/2/2006 9:00:03 PM): ah, i see, so a different distinction
G (11/2/2006 9:00:05 PM): all the modals have a wide range of use, we need more of them rather than keeping them the same :-P
G (11/2/2006 9:00:10 PM): but no one asked me :-)
A (11/2/2006 9:00:26 PM): but you never know, they may
G (11/2/2006 9:00:40 PM): yes, if may meant only possibility, and not also permission, it would actually be clearer
G (11/2/2006 9:00:46 PM): ha ha
G (11/2/2006 9:01:02 PM): modals are like drawers
G (11/2/2006 9:01:27 PM): you only have a few drawers , then socks and underwear end up on two sides of the same drawer
A (11/2/2006 9:01:40 PM): clever
G (11/2/2006 9:01:53 PM): permission is one kind of ability
G (11/2/2006 9:02:09 PM): so can gets pushed into taking over may-permission
G (11/2/2006 9:02:50 PM): but clearest of all would be if there were one modal for permission, one for ability (can), one for possibility (may), etc
G (11/2/2006 9:03:17 PM): but no one axed me
G (11/2/2006 9:03:23 PM): or aksed me
G (11/2/2006 9:03:36 PM): that's been around a long time
G (11/2/2006 9:03:40 PM): in anglosaxon
G (11/2/2006 9:03:43 PM): 1200 years ago
A (11/2/2006 9:03:51 PM): very glad no one axed you
G (11/2/2006 9:04:02 PM): that verb is sometimes spelled acsian, sometimes ascian
G (11/2/2006 9:04:11 PM): ask now, in formal english
G (11/2/2006 9:04:25 PM): but people still change it to aks all the time
G (11/2/2006 9:05:03 PM): because we have cs or ks sound a lot more in english than sc or sk?
A (11/2/2006 9:05:03 PM): i remember hearing whitney houston do it on a television interview and being horrified with her
G (11/2/2006 9:05:56 PM): maybe b/c we put s after a lot of things
G (11/2/2006 9:06:04 PM): so aks sounds more normal than ask
G (11/2/2006 9:06:27 PM): s for plural, s for possessive, s for thirdperson present verb
G (11/2/2006 9:06:35 PM): s sounds more natural at the end
G (11/2/2006 9:06:40 PM): so people go that way a lot
G (11/2/2006 9:07:00 PM): that dont analyze why
G (11/2/2006 9:07:05 PM): it just feels right
G (11/2/2006 9:07:08 PM): so they do it
A (11/2/2006 9:07:25 PM): like when people say asteriKS instead of asteriSK
G (11/2/2006 9:07:29 PM): yep
G (11/2/2006 9:07:47 PM): languages tend to have certain sounds in certain orders more than other sounds in other orders
G (11/2/2006 9:08:20 PM): if something sounds weird or feels weird or hard to do with your mouth, people will change it to something else, more and more
A (11/2/2006 9:08:54 PM): and people hear it and think it is correct so it is perpetuated
G (11/2/2006 9:09:15 PM): they may even learn the word that way, people always hear a lot more than they read, day by day
G (11/2/2006 9:09:28 PM): most people
A (11/2/2006 9:09:36 PM): right!
A (11/2/2006 9:09:57 PM): so how'd you weasel out of my question?
G (11/2/2006 9:10:24 PM): which one? there've been so many and we've been on im for 2-1/2 hours? :-P
A (11/2/2006 9:10:47 PM): 7:45:52
A (11/2/2006 9:10:53 PM): good g-d!
A (11/2/2006 9:11:03 PM): that's a long time
G (11/2/2006 9:11:15 PM): 5:45?
G (11/2/2006 9:11:32 PM): well, we took a 15 minute break when i had to leave for a few
G (11/2/2006 9:13:03 PM): 7:45 is when you got invisible?
A (11/2/2006 9:13:36 PM): 7:47:08
G (11/2/2006 9:13:58 PM): our clocks may not be exactly the same, two comps
G (11/2/2006 9:14:03 PM): anyway
G (11/2/2006 9:14:05 PM): yup
G (11/2/2006 9:14:59 PM): now you are zoning?
A (11/2/2006 9:15:04 PM): no, waiting
G (11/2/2006 9:15:07 PM): for?
A (11/2/2006 9:15:25 PM): nothing
G (11/2/2006 9:15:29 PM): huh?
A (11/2/2006 9:15:40 PM): nevermind
G (11/2/2006 9:15:43 PM): me to answer a question
A (11/2/2006 9:16:18 PM): no, it is okay, i withdraw the comment
G (11/2/2006 9:16:29 PM): which one? there were quite a few
G (11/2/2006 9:16:35 PM): let's see
G (11/2/2006 9:16:46 PM): why i like you? who i like more or less than you?
A (11/2/2006 9:17:22 PM): the first one
G (11/2/2006 9:17:55 PM): now i know we have talked about this before and i have written about it in lj before
G (11/2/2006 9:18:05 PM): but
A (11/2/2006 9:18:13 PM): i know, i'm fishing
G (11/2/2006 9:18:16 PM): you are saying you have no idea?
G (11/2/2006 9:18:39 PM): well, i could always think about a better way to put it in words
G (11/2/2006 9:18:44 PM): is that the problem?
G (11/2/2006 9:18:59 PM): obviously you dont feel i've gotten it across very well
A (11/2/2006 9:19:16 PM): i'm not really quite sure
G (11/2/2006 9:19:45 PM): but that makes the question even harder to answer, b/c now i am even less sure if i am not answering something well or not
G (11/2/2006 9:20:36 PM): well
G (11/2/2006 9:20:43 PM): i am not trying to dodge
G (11/2/2006 9:20:48 PM): i think i explain a lot
G (11/2/2006 9:21:05 PM): maybe you should think about what you want to ask and how, and what i have or havent gotten across well
G (11/2/2006 9:21:11 PM): and i'll try to talk about it
A (11/2/2006 9:21:42 PM): anything, throw me anything
G (11/2/2006 9:22:01 PM): i dont know where to start when you make it so openended
G (11/2/2006 9:22:08 PM): or what you want
G (11/2/2006 9:22:19 PM): on a topic like that
G (11/2/2006 9:22:58 PM): if someone tosses out an idea, the other person may think that's the main thing, or the whole truth, or may wonder why some things were not mentioned, or not as much, or not mentioned first, etc
G (11/2/2006 9:22:59 PM): so
A (11/2/2006 9:23:16 PM): you think too much :-)
G (11/2/2006 9:23:16 PM): to answer a question like that requires care and detail and integration
A (11/2/2006 9:23:33 PM): but you might be right
G (11/2/2006 9:24:06 PM): you know how many women over the millennia have asked 'why do you like me?' and then the answer turned out to get transformed into something that is seen as not what it should have been?
A (11/2/2006 9:24:24 PM): i translated
G (11/2/2006 9:24:33 PM): wasnt sure that one was so clear
A (11/2/2006 9:24:49 PM): it was quite clear in context!
G (11/2/2006 9:25:06 PM): better safe than sorry (if you havent noticed my approach :-P )
A (11/2/2006 9:25:30 PM): i've noticed
G (11/2/2006 9:25:33 PM): ha ha
A (11/2/2006 9:25:54 PM): so i think i'm going to let you off the hook on this one
G (11/2/2006 9:26:38 PM): it's not a bad topic, but a touchy and detailed one from my angle
G (11/2/2006 9:27:43 PM): if you think about it more and decide you really do want a more detailed 'why,' just tell me
G (11/2/2006 9:29:41 PM): am i waiting for you to say something? :-P
A (11/2/2006 9:29:55 PM): you might be
G (11/2/2006 9:30:00 PM): apparently
A (11/2/2006 9:30:01 PM): i just had to pull myself together
G (11/2/2006 9:30:04 PM): why?
A (11/2/2006 9:30:19 PM): 'cause i was falling a little bit apart
G (11/2/2006 9:30:28 PM): did i say something that felt negative?
A (11/2/2006 9:32:07 PM): well, i guess yes, i mean, it isn't that it is negative, but it feels like not what i would like
A (11/2/2006 9:32:32 PM): but i'm tired and teary and i may just be all weird right now
A (11/2/2006 9:32:48 PM): and i'm just hating feeling icky all the time
G (11/2/2006 9:32:50 PM): you would like me to say i think you are the greatest person ever to walk the planet and i couldn't possibly like anyone else ever as much as you?
A (11/2/2006 9:33:06 PM): that wouldn't hurt
G (11/2/2006 9:33:25 PM): that's a lot, and you don't think that about me, i hope!
A (11/2/2006 9:33:25 PM): i know, it is silly
A (11/2/2006 9:33:50 PM): no, i guess i don't
G (11/2/2006 9:34:34 PM): i thought you were asking me for a list of traits i liked and to what degree (why do you like me?)
G (11/2/2006 9:36:17 PM): maybe in a sense you are instead really asking for total global affirmation, maybe partly because you dont like yourself that much a lot of the time?
A (11/2/2006 9:36:31 PM): i think i was asking for a verbal hug
G (11/2/2006 9:36:52 PM): 'why' was the wrong word to start with, then :-)
G (11/2/2006 9:37:05 PM): i think you are really nice in lots of ways
G (11/2/2006 9:37:20 PM): why do i spend time with you and on you?
G (11/2/2006 9:37:34 PM): because i am a masochist? no
G (11/2/2006 9:38:11 PM): i think you are great, you need to think that more yourself
A (11/2/2006 9:39:20 PM): ty
G (11/2/2006 9:39:33 PM): but you should be thinking that about yourself
G (11/2/2006 9:39:50 PM): no matter what i think about you, you will never be happy unless you see the good things in yourself
A (11/2/2006 9:40:58 PM): i know, and sometimes i can see them, but sometimes i just can't - it is like
A (11/2/2006 9:41:07 PM): like i'm someone else that i don't know
A (11/2/2006 9:41:12 PM): or can't reach
A (11/2/2006 9:41:32 PM): i don't want to go to school tomorrow
G (11/2/2006 9:41:35 PM): how can you feel you dont know yourself? you are yourself
A (11/2/2006 9:42:25 PM): it is totally easy to feel like i don't know myself
G (11/2/2006 9:42:32 PM): not perfectly
G (11/2/2006 9:42:34 PM): no one does
G (11/2/2006 9:42:41 PM): but just not know yourself at all?
G (11/2/2006 9:43:13 PM): when you say 'reach' it makes it sound as if you feel you are someone else that is a stranger or that you completely dont understand
A (11/2/2006 9:44:27 PM): sometimes i do feel that way - like there's a me that is real and a me that is put on to be someone and the me that is real is somewhere but not quite connected
A (11/2/2006 9:44:50 PM): not like i'm fake, but like i just exist
A (11/2/2006 9:44:56 PM): i don't know how to say what i mean
G (11/2/2006 9:45:03 PM): everyone has somewhat different versions of themselves for different situations
A (11/2/2006 9:45:24 PM): right right, that i get
A (11/2/2006 9:45:28 PM): it isn't like that
G (11/2/2006 9:45:32 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 9:45:38 PM): well, explain then
A (11/2/2006 9:46:25 PM): i sometimes don't know what i think or feel
A (11/2/2006 9:46:34 PM): and i know there is a part of me that i should really like
A (11/2/2006 9:46:46 PM): but i can't seem to find her often
G (11/2/2006 9:47:12 PM): try looking for her better more often
A (11/2/2006 9:47:18 PM): and i think a part of me has opinions and ideas and thoughts and feelings
G (11/2/2006 9:47:50 PM): well, think about what they are, and if you like them fine, and if you want to modify or add to them fine
A (11/2/2006 9:48:22 PM): i don't feel good
G (11/2/2006 9:49:20 PM): ?
A (11/2/2006 9:49:40 PM): i think i have to go to sleep
G (11/2/2006 9:49:46 PM): call or not?
A (11/2/2006 9:50:03 PM): i think i should just sleep
G (11/2/2006 9:51:17 PM): get some sleep, but it probably is not really good for you to do anything particular before you go to sleep, you know what i mean
A (11/2/2006 9:51:43 PM): how the fuck did you know?
G (11/2/2006 9:51:50 PM): it's so obvious
G (11/2/2006 9:51:54 PM): you just want to cut
A (11/2/2006 9:52:07 PM): how is it obvious that i want to?
A (11/2/2006 9:52:14 PM): and i haven't mind you this week
G (11/2/2006 9:52:16 PM): mood, plus you want alone time
G (11/2/2006 9:52:31 PM): it's your little secret :-)
G (11/2/2006 9:52:38 PM): no one else knows anything about it :-P
A (11/2/2006 9:52:42 PM): not so little, not so secret
G (11/2/2006 9:53:04 PM): who knows you are cutting these days?
A (11/2/2006 9:53:13 PM): you, [my therapist], and the shrink [ = the psychopharmacologist]
G (11/2/2006 9:53:17 PM): ok
G (11/2/2006 9:53:24 PM): well, i didnt know for several weeks
G (11/2/2006 9:53:34 PM): and they only found out the last two
G (11/2/2006 9:53:37 PM): it's pretty secret
A (11/2/2006 9:53:55 PM): and it should stay that way
G (11/2/2006 9:54:41 PM): the fact that you want it so secret says you don't feel good about it, that you know it's not right for you
A (11/2/2006 9:55:08 PM): the fact that i want it so secret is because it makes me look even more psycho than i am
A (11/2/2006 9:55:22 PM): and people would freak out and think all sorts of weird things about me
G (11/2/2006 9:55:25 PM): then why would you want to do it ? :-)
A (11/2/2006 9:55:54 PM): and i'd be like the lady at school who everyone knows is a little bit crazy and has had to take time off from work because she's pregnant and can't take her medicine
A (11/2/2006 9:56:27 PM): and sometimes i wonder if i'm not even more crazy than she is
G (11/2/2006 9:56:29 PM): wouldn't it just be easier not to do it, and not to want to do it?
A (11/2/2006 9:56:47 PM): sure it would
G (11/2/2006 9:57:17 PM): think through things, that's more constructive than creating yet something else that makes you feel weird about yourself
G (11/2/2006 9:57:20 PM): just a thought
A (11/2/2006 9:57:37 PM): fair enough
G (11/2/2006 9:57:48 PM): you dont like feeling weird about yourself
G (11/2/2006 9:57:51 PM): stop adding to it
A (11/2/2006 9:58:23 PM): i gotta go lie down
G (11/2/2006 9:58:46 PM): look, try not to
G (11/2/2006 9:58:55 PM): you dont need to do that, you know that's true
A (11/2/2006 9:59:40 PM): i'll see what i can do
G (11/2/2006 10:00:05 PM): you can do what you want, try it you might like it :-P
A (11/2/2006 10:01:05 PM): so maybe i'll see you online in the morning?
G (11/2/2006 10:01:23 PM): you need privacy apparently :-)
G (11/2/2006 10:01:24 PM): yes
A (11/2/2006 10:01:32 PM): i don't need privacy
A (11/2/2006 10:01:35 PM): i need to sleep
G (11/2/2006 10:01:49 PM): ok, go for it, i'll assume you're being honest :-)
A (11/2/2006 10:02:06 PM): i am being honest - i could cut while IMing you
G (11/2/2006 10:02:11 PM): i know that
G (11/2/2006 10:02:16 PM): dont think i didnt consider it
A (11/2/2006 10:02:39 PM): phone brb
G (11/2/2006 10:02:41 PM): k
G (11/2/2006 10:12:57 PM): k, i'll check back in a bit...
A (11/2/2006 10:13:15 PM): it is [my primary therapist]
G (11/2/2006 10:13:21 PM): i haven't really been up [from this chair] much for 3-1/2 hours, gotta rest my butt
G (11/2/2006 10:13:33 PM): tty in a bit
G (11/2/2006 10:19:18 PM): i'll check back in a bit
G (11/2/2006 10:39:08 PM): k, checking back
A (11/2/2006 10:39:59 PM): hi
G (11/2/2006 10:40:08 PM): still on phone?
A (11/2/2006 10:40:19 PM): no, she may call back, i'm not sure
A (11/2/2006 10:40:31 PM): she asked me to call the meds doc
G (11/2/2006 10:40:32 PM): how are things?
A (11/2/2006 10:40:49 PM): i called him but just got a machine so left a message
A (11/2/2006 10:40:53 PM): i feel like crap
A (11/2/2006 10:40:57 PM): but you knew that
G (11/2/2006 10:41:00 PM): yes
G (11/2/2006 10:41:05 PM): you seemed better at 545
G (11/2/2006 10:41:09 PM): what happened?
A (11/2/2006 10:41:09 PM): it was weird that she called
A (11/2/2006 10:41:18 PM): i don't know, i was thinking the same thing
A (11/2/2006 10:41:25 PM): it was like the world crashed
A (11/2/2006 10:41:27 PM): ah, phone
G (11/2/2006 10:42:13 PM): you went from the rnl joke, which was actually positive about you, and took it immediately to "so where are we?" -- that bluntly -- you got much more darkly shaded after that
G (11/2/2006 10:42:43 PM): youre on the phone brb
A (11/2/2006 10:44:52 PM): maybe i got ahead of myself
G (11/2/2006 10:45:19 PM): ?
G (11/2/2006 10:46:02 PM): youre still on the phone :-)
A (11/2/2006 10:46:33 PM): oh, no, putting a reminder alarm on my phone to call the dr in the morning
G (11/2/2006 10:46:50 PM): k
G (11/2/2006 10:47:04 PM): youre still on the phone setting the alarm :-)
A (11/2/2006 10:47:10 PM): nope, that's done
A (11/2/2006 10:47:34 PM): i'm just sortof out of it
A (11/2/2006 10:47:50 PM): sorry i got all "darkly shaded" on you
A (11/2/2006 10:48:02 PM): though i like the word choice
G (11/2/2006 10:48:29 PM): not a problem, just that if you are in a delicate state and upping dosage on ssri, maybe not the best time to choose for that :-)
A (11/2/2006 10:48:56 PM): probably not
G (11/2/2006 10:49:00 PM): prolly
A (11/2/2006 10:49:19 PM): and in retrospect i probably wasn't as together as i seemed and i would have like to have thought
A (11/2/2006 10:49:35 PM): since i took an hour before IMing you (545-645pm) to pull myself together
G (11/2/2006 10:49:43 PM): yes, you sounded better than usual for recently at first
G (11/2/2006 10:49:50 PM): well
A (11/2/2006 10:49:51 PM): usually it is the first thing i do after i get in the house [i.e., i.m. you]
G (11/2/2006 10:50:06 PM): but sometimes you eat now
A (11/2/2006 10:50:14 PM): (well other than pee and wash my hands)
G (11/2/2006 10:50:18 PM): so it didnt strike me
G (11/2/2006 10:50:21 PM): but
G (11/2/2006 10:50:26 PM): what was really happening?
A (11/2/2006 10:50:30 PM): right, that is sometimes true
G (11/2/2006 10:50:35 PM): sometimes :-)
A (11/2/2006 10:51:36 PM): what was really happening was that i was feeling like i really just wanted to stop the world and so i just tried to chill out and watch dr. phil and eat
G (11/2/2006 10:52:00 PM): stop the world means what? because the world doesnt literally stop ever
A (11/2/2006 10:52:37 PM): suspend time - suspend consciousness -
A (11/2/2006 10:52:47 PM): assholes upstairs have on music
G (11/2/2006 10:52:51 PM): why wish for that as a solution? it will never ever happen
G (11/2/2006 10:53:00 PM): sounds like a formula for frustration
A (11/2/2006 10:53:19 PM): i know, but it is still what i'd like
G (11/2/2006 10:53:36 PM): think about what else might help that is not against laws of time and space
A (11/2/2006 10:53:51 PM): i mean i wish for normal things like to feel better
G (11/2/2006 10:54:05 PM): how you feel is up to you more than anyone else
G (11/2/2006 10:54:23 PM): so feel better, there are good things in life
A (11/2/2006 10:54:32 PM): i know there are good things in life
A (11/2/2006 10:54:43 PM): but that doens't make me feel better
G (11/2/2006 10:54:59 PM): why do you feel bad then?
A (11/2/2006 10:56:08 PM): i don't know exactly
A (11/2/2006 10:56:29 PM): but i really really really do have to go to sleep because now i can only get close to 8 hours no matter what
G (11/2/2006 10:56:52 PM): ok, no time left for anything else?
G (11/2/2006 10:56:54 PM): :-P
A (11/2/2006 10:57:06 PM): goodnight g[.]!
A (11/2/2006 10:57:20 PM): tty in the morning perhaps
G (11/2/2006 10:57:32 PM): get some good sleep
A (11/2/2006 10:57:50 PM): you too, it was good to spend the evening with you
A (11/2/2006 10:57:56 PM): even if i am a little strange
G (11/2/2006 10:57:59 PM): was it? not how i feel
A (11/2/2006 10:58:08 PM): i'm sorry
G (11/2/2006 10:58:10 PM): that you enjoyed it
G (11/2/2006 10:58:25 PM): i dont feel you enjoyed it
G (11/2/2006 10:58:27 PM): but
G (11/2/2006 10:58:41 PM): what can we do about that at this moment? you need to sleep
A (11/2/2006 10:59:14 PM): hmmm, i'll think about that
A (11/2/2006 10:59:24 PM): sleep well i hope
G (11/2/2006 10:59:29 PM): ok, you too

wow, that was a struggle -- hope she settles better into her medicine soon, or finds a better one -- or decides she doesn't really want or need one --

so much effort, and i can't really change how she feels if she doesn't want to change how she feels, i mean doesn't want it enough to have that effect --
linkpost comment

new month: all souls day; the way of all flesh [Nov. 1st, 2006|04:58 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |bitchyageing]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Beatles, "When I'm 64"]

i'm up and calling j., 630ish am -- i think she has now switched to sleeping in the front bedroom up there for now, in olden times the shared masterbedroom -- during a/c season she slept in the back guestbedroom, which is smaller and easier to keep cool -- the lighted area up the stairwell when i check on her from the landing here below is no longer at the rear of the upper hallway, across from the guestbedroom door, but at the front, across from the front bedroom right at the top of the stairs -- and if the light's on, she's at least thinking about getting up; if there's no light at all when i check, i know she's still asleep, or has fallen back asleep without having turned on the light -- i'm never up there these days enough to know where she sleeps and what gives, certainly not while she's up there, and only once or twice a month, i'd guess, during the day when she's not here: only if i need something from the books and papers up there --

out and back for paper by car, leaving my quarter ringing as it settles while with her back to me, at a foodprep counter, nearly hidden behind registers and the displaycase from customer view, a biddy calls 'thank you' (she doesn't sound sarcastic or disapproving; a good sign) --

at home, safe again (one always sort of feels that, some times more intensely than others; notice how jj captured that ordinary daily lifemoment at the end of the breakfast run in episode 4) -- i reheat the jasmine tea that i fixed last night but never even started to drink -- meanwhile, reading through this morning's paper, i'm up to the gossip page, with a story about reese witherspoon breaking up with her husband b/c he had an onlocation movieset romance, and she found telltale emails while digging through his blackberry -- i dont need her seeing that while i'm around, i'll just get snarky comments and maybe flashes of anger -- the last several weeks she's taken to ejaculating, without me starting anything, stuff like "men can't be trusted with computers" -- umm, what loyalty do i owe her in that area (i.e., sex) of life??? --

anyhow, before i do anything about making sure i'm not in the room when she spots that article, she's down as i mull other things; my mind does tend to skip around a lot if there are only momentary and trivial things to focus on -- i'm waiting to hand her a milkbone to give him as she dumps the old and runs new dogwater into his rubyred glassbowl (one of her common first thing morning habits in the kitchen, just before taking her ssri with a shotglass of water) -- and, glancing rightward from before the sink as she waits for the bowl to fill, i see her eye alight immediately right upon that very story; yes, i hadn't been paranoid enough to flip the page when i heard her steps on the stairs -- she gets annoyed, i get annoyed, and we stay onandoff annoyed through dogwalk and coffeefetch, then back home again -- underfoot, on sidewalks and lawns and in gutters, are not a few candywrappers from last night (gotta start that litter training young...) -- there's even actual wrapped candy on the ground, dropped either inadvertantly or as a statement of taste --

then to j's mom's apt, 910-955 -- i recall visiting j's mom with j (and sometimes other family members of hers) back to 1979 -- her late70s/early80s apt. less than half a mile from this one, then her mid/late 80s and 90s garden apt about 10 miles away, then in this basically retirement apt community starting about 2000 -- i recall on christmas day 79 or 80 i lay on her couch with my eyes shut and my head in j's lap, in the middle of a terrible cold, with "oklahoma" on the tube (nyc didn't get cable till the mid 80s; they early 80 may as well have been the early 60s, tvwise) -- wonder if her mom is coming close to the end -- she is past 77, has smoked and drunk heavily for 60 years, has had emphysema with oxygen tanks and the whole nine yards for several years, and still smokes -- gee, i wonder if that had anything to do with her apt fire last fall... --

here, today, the cat hisses -- she adopted "missy" over five but less than ten years ago, after her dog lady died (or lady-soul; mom's into 'metaphysics,' by which she means newagey stuff that seems to have its cultural roots in theosophy and the like) -- missy looks like the goodyear blimp, an eightpound cat in a near fifteenpound cat's footballish torso --

j. is trying to use the showerhead in the bathroom stall to clean the bathroom catlitter area, which in fact is in the tiled but not enclosed shower area (wheelchair accessible) that j's mom obviously never uses as a shower -- the button that operates the showerhead seems to be longbroken and unrepaired, but j. would like to use it -- soon the steam from the halfworking shower sets off the smoke alarm just outside the bathroom do0r -- ok, that explains that maybe -- bet that worries the neighbors, after the fire in here a year ago (i can't see any traces of where the fire was, though; musta been basically a lot of scary smoke...) -- j. explains to crosshall neighbor with open door who she is and what's going on; he seems placated --

so now j. is taking care of the cat while mom's in the hospital andor nursinghome, in rehabilitation so she can walk and come back here -- one of the other residents, someone from upstairs named annie, apparently told mom's homecare aide v. that the cat should be put down, because it hisses if you come in and try to touch it -- at first it will, rub against against furniture and approach you, soliciting petting, but after you touch it for a few seconds it will whack at you with very sharp claws, and you need to be aware of and waiting for that, and move fast at the first sign of a sharp move -- i get one small scratch between right thumb and forefinger, soon after arriving, but i resolve not to make that mistake again, and steer clear of the cat -- i sit on the couch that faces the tv, reading and jotting notes (yes, partly for this), occasionally (when solicited) rendering assistance or formulating advice -- after 15/20 minutes the catlitter's been emptied, for the first time in some days -- annie was being paid something in the 10 or 20 bucks a week vicinity, for feeding the cat and cleaning its box, when mom went into the hospital by emergency, i guess v. was arranging that, still visiting and getting paid though mom isn't at home -- but now this is devloving on j. (and, in part, i assume, me: if it comes to that) --

and then we have to drive to the nursinghome to visit mom -- it's one affiliated with the hospital up the street from us when mom was, but it's a good four miles away through a rabbitwarreny area of oneway and not rectangular streets laid out the century before last -- when we pass it, i point out the oldtime statecapitol-like bankbranch i was in on the nineteenth -- and eventually we parking around the corner from the nursinghome, sign in at the front desk, get little balckandwhite stickon VISITOR tags when we have to write our names and the date -- i need to pee, so i borrow the lobby bathroom key for a minute, then return it to frontdeskguy -- then, the elevator to four -- a nurse is in her room when we arrive, attending to mom and her suitemate, but she soon finishes and evaporates --

well, seeing her in a nursinghome is really, really weird -- she's always been very commanding, dominant, tough in that workingclass assertive way -- and now i realoize how carefully tended her whole appearance was in her 50s, 60s, and early 70s -- she made a great effort to keep her hair dyed, nicely coiffed and arranged, face madeup, etc. -- because her hair is growing out ghostwhite now, and for that and scads of little reasons she looks a good twenty years older than the last time i saw her -- women in the fifties and sixties are often trying to stay as close to the fortysomething model as possible, but it requires daily, and more frequent, maintenance work, which mom is not currently in a position to do -- sheesh, dorian gray moment -- creepo -- but i act as if nothing's unusual, duh -- really kinda scary -- hmm, i should have realized that nobody remains physically unchanged for 27 years (just about exactly how long i've known her) -- she was already in forties-maintenance mode when i first met her -- death warmed over --

she's in a semiprivate room, 404A and B, one cubby nearer the roomdoor, one nearer the window out -- to discuss practical and financial stuff she and j. agree mom should be wheelchaired into the nearby commons room, which at this hour is empty -- j. wheels, and i carry two bags, containing her papers -- settled at a cafeteria style table, mom hefts each bag in turn and commences to sort: she removes a box of honey grahams and tables it, rifling and rummaging, with shuffling and crinkling sounds, rooting rooting rooting -- it's a huge struggle, full of mominitiated sidetrackings -- she offers j. a burgerking coupon that proves to have expired in august and is quietly balledup and pocketed for subsequent disposal, and all the while they are chatting about people and events, recent and distant, that mom is somehow minded of by this or that --

eventually, down to business: j. needs her ss #, bank #'s, oral instructions about how to do her banking by phone, and then a convo about recent bank propoganda (her account is at a branch of the bank i visited nine of on the nineteenth, so i'm knowledgeable to talk about the change of ownership; mom's cynical about the changes, and about banks and people with money generally) -- we gotta get the bankstuff together so mom's bills can be handled properly here at month's outset -- but mom can't find her bankcard; maybe it's really at her apt, she went from home to institution to home two or three times last month -- it's not turning up in the ratbags -- well, we'll have to look later -- it has to be somewhere --

i spot the floor census, and mom's suitemate is ernestine, the staring angry lady in the next bed -- the commonsroom or dayroomon is a dogleg, with a poorly attended "price is right" tv in the other part; we're in the tabled part, eight square ones, with a namelabel attached facing each of the four chairs -- on the walls, various posters:


Fire

Rescue
Alarm
Confine
Extinguish


"The Mission"

Respect
Integrity
Compassion
Excellence


blank checkoff form on the table for evaluating patients' meal consumption:

Refused 0%
Poor 25%
Fair 50%
Good 75%
All 100%


about 11, a uniformed woman comes to fetch mom for her p.t. session, but when she sees she's socializing and trying to arrange practical lifetstuff, she mentions mom's hairdresser apt tomorrow and beats it --

there are small rosepink plastic waterpitchers on each table, with a blackinked whitelabel stating "DINING ROOM" on each, accompanied by an upside down stack a foot or so tall of white styrofoam cups in their long plastic sleeve --

the floor: robinegg blue and lightbrown beige linoleum tilesquares, spatterpattern blackspeckled to hide dirt and dinge, and a large raggedy crack running under the table i'm at, from one wall to the other, where a wall was obviously taken out once to create this larger space --

on each wall a huge silver extinguisher is mounted -- the price is right bonus round wheel can be heard spinning slowly to a stop just beyond the dogleg, 1122am -- bob barker is sounding encouraging or consoling, whate'er the moment calls for: his retirement at age 83 was announced in the newspaper this very morning --

on all the walls are scotchtaped partystore coloredcardboard halloween decorations (yes, they are not dead; they are still part of the living world) -- when a coordinator steps in and sits down at the next table to flip through her papers, mom asks if she took a picture of the decorations yet -- the reply is, they are different every year -- mom asserts it's a good thing she is here and withit to remind the coordinator about these things, and the reply is cheery but not committal on the phototaking topic --

coordinator leaves with valedictions -- on another wall, several weekly meal and daily menu listings hang pushpinned onto wallmounted landscapeformat corkboard, ptouch labeled "Food & Nutrition News" -- in the lowerleft corner, a much wrinkled, creased, and dogeared "First Aid for the Choking Adult" -- "No Smoking" sign, smallformat (less than six inches on a side), adhesivebacked, consisting of a red circleslash over the black silhouette of a burning cigarette -- by the door out toward the central nurses' station, a standard redlighted EXIT sign in whiteplastic frame protrudes from dropceiling tiles --

the pantry door in the commonsroom is locked (i try it), but with the key in the lock; now and then, several employees come and turn the key to get in for a few moments -- the key is connected to an eighteeninch or so chain with a huge wooden block at the end that says PANTRY in largegauge black marker, the lettering somewhat worn, the edges of the woodblock smoothened and curved from long use and wear -- above the lock is a black plastic sign:

PLEASE MAKE SURE
THIS DOOR STAYS LOCKED
AT ALL TIMES
THANK YOU

mom talks of anything, to keep the air moving and the interpersonal wheels rolling along, however out of alignment -- she describes her p.t., two other people walking her around the room, first leftwards, then rightwards, one person holding her up by the back of her pants, the other rolling glacially along behind her in case she needs to sit or just plain falls or is dropped backwards -- she speaks of spending long nearly motionless hours -- "do i lay there perturbed, or do i lie there perturbed?" (people are even more selfconscious than usual around me about usage, even though i never act in the slightest snobby about that sort of stuff) -- "you sure married a sweet peach, jackie" (j. hates "jackie," forbids coworkers and friends and relatives to use it, but has very little success with mom, and only very makes the attempt; she probably hates it in large measure because her mother and grandmother always used it...) --

ok, so after ninetyplus minutes, j. figures we've socializied enough for all of us, and that she's gotten all the practical stuff she's gonna get for now -- in olden days, i'd totally let her control agendas, but even today: this is her mother, difficult situation, stormy relationship, closer ties than i have, i have no dire appointments -- we leave on her schedule -- i drive her to the noon ferry to get half a day's work in, and back to the bank (12:17; i do three or four transfers to zero out overdraft protection and give j. her firstofthemonth money to withdraw from checking, then take 40 cash for me) -- and across on foot to keyfood --

wow, leftover halloween candy: i get a halfprice (1.50) bag of little reeses cups, five more 3-for-$5 campbells chicken noodle, and (woohoo, they've restocked since yesterday!!!!) the limit of six more progresso "rich and hearty class": two lowsodium chicken noodle (12g carb per 8oz servings; cans are near 19oz), two chicken and homestyle noodle (14g), and two steak and homestyle noodles (16g) -- plus one more 99cent cauliflower --- 13 cents tax (candy) -- $13.69, 12:36pm --

on the block of the main street i travel from the grocerylot before turning rightward, homeward, i notice (could i not?) that the christmas decorations are up overhead above and along the mainstreet, just since yesterday -- greywhite tinselly stars and bunting, positively fiftiesish, wonder where it all sits tenplus months a year --

home and keyboard stuff -- i.m. convo a. 426-59, second half largely about her changing pills -- she's concerned about feeling tireder and hungrier since changing pills early this week, thinking the cymbalta was having too many negative moodeffects -- but it did seem to be appetitesuppressant, she'd lost like ten pounds, and now she's worried oif that's changing -- i mention finding the moodpill that works best, and maybe finding another dietpill separately --

but the first half of the convo is a bit about the nursing home visit and j's mom's backstory; at the end of the whole i.m. session a. asked that the second half of the convo not end up in lj, so it didn't -- here's a bit of the first half; no spellcheck has been run (i am not the world's best typist, especially in i.m.; usually i fix the typos for lj) -- and notice also: no a. emoticons at all --

A (11/1/2006 4:28:50 PM): so how is j's mom?
G (11/1/2006 4:29:06 PM): she is getting physicla therapy to be able to walk better
G (11/1/2006 4:29:09 PM): in n.h.
[deleted from here, one last bit about a prior convo topic]
G (11/1/2006 4:29:40 PM): we are hoping seh won't be bedridden from now on, with emphysema and all
A (11/1/2006 4:29:42 PM): new hampshire?
G (11/1/2006 4:29:44 PM): she's 77-1/2w
G (11/1/2006 4:29:49 PM): nursing home
A (11/1/2006 4:29:52 PM): ah, got it
A (11/1/2006 4:30:28 PM): that's really hard
G (11/1/2006 4:30:28 PM): and the cat may end up here
G (11/1/2006 4:30:33 PM): well, we'll see
A (11/1/2006 4:30:38 PM): my grandmother had emphysema
G (11/1/2006 4:30:42 PM): right
G (11/1/2006 4:30:51 PM): j's mom has smoked fro 60 years
A (11/1/2006 4:31:16 PM): grandma stopped when i was a little kid - but also smoked a good number of years - she still smokes?
G (11/1/2006 4:31:22 PM): i was emptying ashtrays over there at her apt, j went to pick stuff up for her
G (11/1/2006 4:31:30 PM): she says she hasnt smoked for months
G (11/1/2006 4:31:37 PM): but she must have been smoking, come on
A (11/1/2006 4:31:46 PM): well, she's not now in the nursing home
A (11/1/2006 4:31:52 PM): probably that's hard too
G (11/1/2006 4:31:57 PM): ashtrays big ones with ashes close to an inhc deep
G (11/1/2006 4:32:22 PM): well, yeah, not the last couple of weeks since she's been in the hospital;
A (11/1/2006 4:32:24 PM): sounds like she had been smoking
G (11/1/2006 4:32:33 PM): i'd say so
G (11/1/2006 4:32:41 PM): wioth oxygen tanks and everything :-)
G (11/1/2006 4:32:51 PM): she did set her apt on fire last year
G (11/1/2006 4:32:58 PM): that's when j stoppsed talking to her again
G (11/1/2006 4:33:10 PM): and didnt start till she got sick this time maybe 2-3 weeks ago
A (11/1/2006 4:33:11 PM): oh my goodness, that is really freaking scary
G (11/1/2006 4:33:49 PM): well, at her apartment they were saying she might get discvoiplined or expelled after the fire if anything else happenedc
G (11/1/2006 4:34:23 PM): and she always finds things to freak about and get anmgry about after she's had a problem
G (11/1/2006 4:34:39 PM): [so] she was calling and accusing j of sexually abusing carl when he was a baby
G (11/1/2006 4:34:46 PM): that's when she stopped talking to hre last time
G (11/1/2006 4:34:54 PM): right after the fire
A (11/1/2006 4:35:03 PM): who is carl?
G (11/1/2006 4:35:05 PM): when she was leaving whacky voicemails like that
A (11/1/2006 4:35:15 PM): so mom likes to stir up trouble
G (11/1/2006 4:35:17 PM): j's borther (halfbrother) who killed hiumself
G (11/1/2006 4:35:24 PM): ikn march 04
G (11/1/2006 4:35:57 PM): mom was a drama queen
A (11/1/2006 4:36:04 PM): doesn't sound like mom is someone one might want to spend a lot of time with
G (11/1/2006 4:36:26 PM): back as a teenager in the 40s her own mom was getting divorced and took her daughter to bars as um bait
G (11/1/2006 4:36:31 PM): so things went downhill from there
A (11/1/2006 4:36:43 PM): charming
G (11/1/2006 4:37:03 PM): well
G (11/1/2006 4:37:13 PM): ]j's mom had her about age 20 21
G (11/1/2006 4:37:21 PM): with a guy who was in his forties
G (11/1/2006 4:37:31 PM): but he had inherited a bar from a woman he'd marriued
G (11/1/2006 4:37:36 PM): so he was a good catch
G (11/1/2006 4:37:40 PM): bar didnt last long though
G (11/1/2006 4:37:51 PM): j's dad was a merchant marinbe
G (11/1/2006 4:37:56 PM): would go aweay for months
G (11/1/2006 4:38:08 PM): told his brother to watch out for j's mom
G (11/1/2006 4:38:14 PM): that's where carl came from
A (11/1/2006 4:38:23 PM): oh!
G (11/1/2006 4:38:24 PM): so they were aheead of their time
A (11/1/2006 4:38:30 PM): sounds like a soap-opera
G (11/1/2006 4:38:30 PM): no jerry springer yet :-)
A (11/1/2006 4:38:37 PM): yep
G (11/1/2006 4:39:00 PM): then j's dad's brother let his brother catch them
G (11/1/2006 4:39:11 PM): so he could get a divorce back then in the early 50s
G (11/1/2006 4:39:12 PM): anyway
G (11/1/2006 4:39:16 PM): you get the picture
A (11/1/2006 4:39:21 PM): quite
G (11/1/2006 4:39:27 PM): drama :-)
G (11/1/2006 4:40:04 PM): so trhat was 55 years ago, now she's 77 not 22
A (11/1/2006 4:40:21 PM): sounds like she likes to keep the drama going
G (11/1/2006 4:40:29 PM): yep i'd say so
G (11/1/2006 4:40:34 PM): but she's acting nice right now
G (11/1/2006 4:40:42 PM): she wont be able to keep it up indefinitelky
G (11/1/2006 4:40:44 PM): we'll see
G (11/1/2006 4:41:09 PM): so your day was ok? [etc.]

i must have fallen asleep at some point in the nine or early in the ten p.m. hour: not a single cellcall on my invoice from this date --
link2 comments|post comment

october and cumulative blogstats [Nov. 1st, 2006|09:40 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |busybusy]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Pink, "Dear Diary"]

i'm still doing the october entries behind,
fiveplus to six weeks behind -- and, as
mentioned perviously, i am still thinking
about ratcheting back to weekly entries...

********

aggregate but rough blogstats for
the last twentytwo full months, as
a gauge for myself of what i seem
to be generating here as i record my
present, and catch up gradually
on my accumulated past --


total to date: about 1000 entries
posted in about 665 days, running
from 02 jan 05 till 31 oct 06 --
a little over one and a half
per day, on average, for 22 months --


monthly wording,
starting with 2005:

total blogwording, jan 2 - 31: 54600
(minus maybe ~30% copied rather
than customdrafted wording...)

feb 1 - 28: 40200
(minus ~35% wording from elsewhere)

mar 1 - apr 1: 49400
(minus ~30% wording from elsewhere)

apr 1 - apr 30: 31100
(minus maybe 10% wording from elsewhere)

may 1 - may 31: 25100
(omitting all of the 3 may old-im wording, i.e.,
the main bulk of may's not-newly-written wording)

jun 1 - jun 30: 23200
(but not much from elsewhere during this month?)

jul 1 - jul 31: 62200
(minus maybe about 30% wording from elsewhere)

aug 1 - aug 31: 56500
(minus relatively little wording from elsewhere)

sep 1 - sep 30: 53100
(minus relatively little wording from elsewhere)

oct 1 - oct 31: 47300
(minus some wording from others' emails and im's,
plus some copypasted blogthings here and there...)

nov 1 - nov 30: 61700
(very little wording from others, if memory serves)

dec 1 - dec 31: 78300
(very little wording from others, if memory serves)

2nd year:

jan 1 - jan 31: 119500
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

feb 1 - feb 28: 103500
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

mar 1 - mar 31: 60000
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???;
also, about 20000 is from the episode 6 document...)

apr 1 - apr 31: 52300
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20%???)

may 1 - may 31: 60100
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

jun 1 - jun 30: 68800
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

jul 1 - jul 31: 88600
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20%???)

aug 1 - aug 31: 149900
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s and emails; maybe 30% this time???)

sep 1 - sep 30: 91400
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s and emails; maybe 30% this time???)

oct 1 - oct 31: 130100
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s and emails; maybe 25% this time???)


total wording since 2 jan 05, but some percentage
(20something?) needs to be subtracted for wording
that was not written by me, for this journal...:

1506900

that's about 1-1/2 entries a day of about 1500 words each
(which comes to a considerable bit over 2000 words a day)
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special classday [Oct. 31st, 2006|09:52 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahblah]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, piano theme in 5/4 from "halloween"]

i'm on im w/ a. 653-55 about me falling asleep last night, mutual wishing of good days --

j. tosses the shower rod shirt from yesterday onto my bed as she is preparing to shower -- ok --

if, as today, i am not ready to get the newspaper before j's up in the morning, i go out when she's in the shower, deliberately to avoid searches of my stuff (phone, papers, bag, tabletop, whatever) -- i can make it there and back in five minutes or so, which means it takes less time than a shower -- i wait till i can visually determine that she's actually in the shower; if i left while she was in the bathroom without actually being in the shower yet, that would defeat the whole purpose -- when i have to do a weekend afternoon dogwalk b/c she's actually right here and downstairs, i'll take my phone and a pocketful of papers with me, while hiding the black bag (somewhere like the bottom of the stairwell to the front door or in the livingroom coatcloset or in my room somewhere, in any case under existing piles of stuff such as coats or other clothes) --

back before j. knew i was off the reservation, way back in 03, k. era, i'd just make sure never to leave the computer alone when j. was home (this was back before i researched how to lock it while stepped away) -- since spring 04, when rnl overnights made off-the-reservation status patent, i've had to be more careful -- rnl stuff was kept in alwayslocked filecabinet drawers, pretty systematically -- but still, every so often i fail to remember, or take care of everything, or i fall asleep by mistake at the wrong moment -- strange living like that in your own residence, on guard and under surveillance, but there it is, for now -- if i can't get up and get the paper before she's bumping around up there doing the catlitter, i wait and get it while she's in the shower, or if she and i are both just late enough, i get it on the walk up, since i won't have any real time to to a readthrough before dogwalk departure anyway --

special class day, weird feeling, weds schedule on a tuesday -- but this means no more class till friday -- makes me feel a little more worn, having again today that same stressy me-draining-out feeling as yesterday --

t. asked in email yesterday if i'd heard from his boss; i write back to say i haven't, but that t's query has put me in mind to add his boss's address to my address book, lest i don't miss an incoming email --

and i finally talk live to my next investment shoptarget 1015ish -- he tells a story (weird?) about his mother hurting herself, involving stairs and so on, sounds like a student latepaper story -- ok, whatever: he'll call back late this week, he assures me, to set an appointment for next week -- when i subsequently update the scheduler, heather, by email, she writes back as often with the closer "Have a Blessed Day" -- always, dear -- she's always pretty nice to me on money and other stuff, partly i guess because i make her worklife easier by managing to meet with people they've had a good deal of trouble scheduling -- this new target seems as dodgy as the last one, or nearly so; works for the same company in another location -- are they just overworked? or only eager to meet with suckers, i mean prospects, with more money to invest than is mandated by the scenario (barely into the upper half of five figures...)? --

class one: i talk generally about the beginning of clarissa's party -- people arriving, clarissa hearing about the suicide and going off by herself to react -- her reaction sequence will have to be finished friday, and at that point we'll be done with the three euro/brit books in sept/oct, leaving the two shortish amer books for nov and early dec -- i'm always pacing myself during a term, mainly to keep from slowing down, so as to give myself time to do a good job covering more, but then ending up with not enough time for the last book -- but this term, things look ok, doubt i could really get behind now --

funny thing about teaching lit: you have to pick and choose passages to go into specifically in class, and the first time you do so you always have to focus on some parts and skip over others -- i always feel like i should work through the whole book in class as much as possible: i owe that to the books, and the students, and myself -- but there's simply no time -- often i try to link between passages covered in depth by tossing out casual summary of general plot and themes --

but it's also true on the other hand that my own practicality has long mandated i don't sit and read every word of every book every time i teach it, which from time to time i've heard some lit teachers claim to do -- anyhow, i end up knowing the parts of a book that i tend to cover fairly well after awhile (even though otoh one also realizes new things about wellknown passages many of the times one teaches it) -- while other passages may remain much more sketchily known --

back in the early to mid 90s, when i made it a point of pride at my first fulltime job never to teach the same book twice (there was so much more for me to learn, and breadth to add to myself and my cv), this very novel was the one book i did more than once between 89 and 94 (in 94 i started teaching u something like once a year) -- it was, after all, a more classmanageable example of High Modernism than the book i know best -- and here in 2006, i still find myself, this time, coming up with new passages to cover, skipping or skimming other ones covered, often many times, in past years -- and in flipping through looking for new things to hit, and not, i can see there are other passages in the book i haven't yet covered ever, and know only scarcely, or hardly at all --

class two: no one's there when i walk in right at class start time -- from the direction i come, up the back stairs, i can't tell whoall's there till i'm in the doorway -- ok, morning class was on the emptyish side too, ten or so compared to the more usual fifteen or twenty -- well, not everyone can fuck their weekday schedules all around, a duh, just because some administrator makes a decision and sends out a memo -- and anyhow, not a few of those who can probably figure they can plausibly claim a schedule conflict, especially when i don't deduct specifically for nonattendance (it deducts for itself in the papers submitted, i've long noticed) --

so i leave a chalk note on the board, deliberately vague about whether some sort of class happened or not, but pointing out that for the rest of the class slot i will be in the preproom, down a flight of stairs six feet or so from the classroom door (i give the room number), for people who want to talk about the book or their upcoming midterm essays -- i'd stay in the classroom, but since at least sept it has not been possible to log in to the computer in that room -- and apparently no one really has to, because in weeks and weeks, it's still not fixed, which means no one has logged in from what is therefore a totally useless computer the entire term --

two latecomers avail themselves of the come-down-and-see-me-sometime option, ten and twenty minutes, respectively, into the class slot -- hmm, is this me cutting work or cutting class? i always tend to feel guilty or worried, that i will get in trouble or be blamed, rightly or by misunderstanding -- but i am here, ready to talk about the second half of ep. 10 and on into 11; i just can't talk to no one -- i actually have taught totally regular classes for one or two people; that's no impediment -- zero is an impediment --

in 01-02, when i started here and was using an nyu email address (which i did till early 05), sometimes students would ask if they were the same as (they meant 'scholastically as good as') nyu students; the latter's a more educationally and socioeconomically upmarket place -- i've had fulltime faculty here ask me the same, on occasion, over the years, in obviously genuine curiosity -- trying to be both truthful and fair, i'll say yes, and if skeptically pressed will qualify: that students here remind me of students at nyu in the late 80s or very early 90s, before it had made more of a push to quasi-ivy itself -- and i'll expand that schools, like everything else, evolve (get better or worse, relative to surroundings) over time -- so if sju moves forward it could be more upmarket in five or ten years, just as nyu has somewhat become (back in the 70s and 80s it tended to be a fallback commuter school for nyc metro kids who didn't get into ivies, and still can be that, but with less differential than then, and in some departments almost none) --

still -- one thing about here is that, given the whole parochial ed system, with its strong martinet streak, as a background and feeder, not a few students here have developed the approach, loooong before arriving here, of: do it if immediate quantifiable pain (e.g., ruler whacks; lowered grade) would result from not doing it; otherwise, let it slide -- so that is one way they definitely do differ from nyu students: they don't think as longterm, and they don't take into account the 'ungraded' areas of an endeavor that underlie and lead to successes in evaluated areas of the endeavor -- at nyu, students usually amounting to more than half the class would be there for every session, unless it was the afternoon before thanksgiving or something; here, some folks figure if skipping doesn't actually get you spanked, you'd be a fool to waste your time going, kind of that catholic gradeschool "we're prisoners and play cat and mouse where we can" mentality --

nyu students however came from secular prestigious prep schools or really good suburban public schools, and to get through twelve years of that with grades sufficient to get them into nyu, either naturally or by submission to training they were interested in being there in class, and figuring things out so they could show you how smart they were on the graded stuff -- here, it's more like the whiny and disengaged sixthgradey 'is this gonna be on the test?' mentality, not the montessori 'see, i'm a precocious little genius!' thing, which has its own peculiar downsides sometimes, of course -- anyway, here: no matter how much i throw into the class (sex, secrets of life, close reading, big ideas connected to life, lack of obscurantist obfuscation, avoidance of partisan ideological onanism, etc. etc.) a certain percentage of students will inevitably, as part of their own selfrespect or something, make that 'if it cant hurt me not to do it, i'd be stupid to do it' calculus --

ok, greg, there's one less unexpressed thought, lol --

then home when class would have ended -- first the bank, where at 227pm i transfer 100 from my new monthend directdeposit to open up some space in the overdraft protection (amount owed down to 166.96, it was damn close to the 300 limit), while also withdrawing 20 for walkingaround money -- then back across the street (i've parked in the grocerystore lot), where i get six weeklyspecial soup (two lowsodium chicken noodle, the only low carb lowsodium soup, 12g carb per 8oz serving in a 19ish oz can; two chicken and homestyle noodle 12g carb per serving; and two chicken and wild rice 13g); another 99cent cauliflower (i've bought like five of them since the special started); five campbells chicken noodle smallformat condensed soup at 5/3.00 this week; and to make my cauliflower recipe (see monday) one stick of storebrand sharp cheddar, 1.99, and one darkblue rectangular styrofoam container of white mushrooms, 1.99; total 16.04, paid for with a 20 and four pennies, to net four ones in change, receipt 2:45pm --

and home -- halloween afternoon -- not like when i was young (or did i think it was later than it was, then? no, not totally anyhow: i recall it being dark, and i was 45 minutes of sun further west from here) -- these days, it's like a disneypark or chuckecheese, safe and sanitized, suppositious security: all predusk, 4-6 is primetime, it's dead by 8-9 -- nothing but moms chauffering kids around, just by foot instead of suv, for this sole annual event -- wait, that's it: they should drive the rugrats around in suv's from door to door, so they are less at risk from monsters in the bushes and other hazards of the life suburban -- like you see dads driving sons around in suv's early sunday mornings sometimes to cover their paper routes -- as for halloween, j's never home during its less than ephemeral threehour lifespan, and i don't want hours and hours consumed by giving out candy one piece at a time down a flight of stairs (hmm, might be good exercise...) -- especially given that i don't have a compensatory dog or two in this race anyhow -- so i've always worked in the kitchen and at the comp, both at the rear of the house, leaving as few lights on as possible, and no lights at all in the front areas of of the house -- there's an occasional bellpress or two, but fewer and fewer each year -- as halloween gets themeparked, i hear that neighboring moms often form syndicates whereby they all go only to each others' houses, avoiding any unneeded alimentary input from unknown sources --

and meanwhile, a.'s home at an unheardof 331pm; early holiday release -- i am heating steamer water for yet another cauliflower and cheese sauce (i'm sure they'll be off special before i can get repulsed by them, and then they won't go on sale again for several months) -- i've also had frozen chicken from august thawing in the fridge since the weekend, so i can make an indian dish maybe tomorrow -- i send her, and we discuss, a newsarticle i saw about new "house" episode tonight; baseball's finally over and new shows are back on fox for november sweeps -- she's wiped, is going to take a nap, has read up on cymbalta more and is not happy with a lot of what she sees -- i mention that she seems sleepy a lot more now, and unable to get to stuff very much -- but neither of us is sure if that's the med strictly, or her more broadly not being happy, which is why she's taking it in the first place -- and she's worried about upping the dosage again this week, any side effects might worsen -- they don't really understand how these meds work, it's just a blackbox thing that varies from individual to individual -- in a century i'm sure people will look back on how primitive and stupid it all was, just as we look back on say victorian medicine, which is scarcely more than a century old -- she goes off to nap at 404pm, comes back at 746 napped and happier, we chat till 753 about evening doings -- at 1026pm, i have an 11min cellcall with her -- then off to sleep myself --

no reply yet to administrator email from early last friday morning; wonder if she will reply at all, and if so, when -- maybe i should have stated a 36hour deadline lol --
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yet another week/time ticks on [Oct. 30th, 2006|03:29 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blankgetting by]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently on radio, The Five Stairsteps, "Ooh Child"]

another week -- papers looming, all the paper reading that'll entail -- don't think about that yet, don't torture yourself -- think about it when you have to, a couple of long bad days early next month -- and now the reassignment thing hanging over my head too, keeping me hunched down somewhat, mentally, even when i don't have it in the front of my mind -- every so often my mind will find a way off the moment's currently timecritical thoughts and i'll notice a larger than usual negative component, which i can immediately or almost immediately attribute to concern about the reassignment issue, and what i'll need to do about it if it's not positively resolved before january --

for now, it's monday morning, and the earlier a start i can have and the more i can get done early today, before class, the more i'll have something positive to balance, mentally and moodwise, against not just the reassignment negativity but also the negative aspects of the totality of feelings about life that, like everyone, i also have --

dogwalk deviations, uphillbound: leaves fringing or wreathing the manhole cover i mentioned saturday morning, dry now -- it'll be a nice morning anyway -- homewardbound: i slosh coffee out of the stupid starbuckscup sippyhole as the dog jerks me on the way downhill, spotting the shirt i've had on for the new week for less than an hour -- and then he jerks again in the foyer inside the front door, sloshing a bit more beige liquid on the floor near my door, about an inch across, with little bouncesplash dots around it -- no time to clean it; i used to clean this foyer all the time, for j's benefit and bf's as well as my own, and to be nice, but i don't clean or change the lightbulb down here any more (on subsequent morning or afternoon entries i notice the dried stain, wondering occasionally if bf has noticed it or not, and if it galls her) --

upstairs: tear the shirt off, toss it on the bed, put on another worksafe one, then exit with your black bag, pulling the door well shut till it latches and doesn't pop back open again -- and close the bathroom too, and likewise the babygate at the entrance to the short hall where the bath and my bedroom are (all canine prophylactics) -- then out --

so many ways you can look at things you think you are already beyond familiar with -- how many hundreds of times have i done the drive to the office? many of them by the same route i am using these days, and have taxonomized into irregular segments by tenths of a mile in some recent lj entry? -- this morning, it occurs to me that the drive is only a tad under 2.7 miles, which falls into three roughly equal fractions of close to .9 miles: up to the end of the first neighborhood, at the second main road i have to turn left on near the medical lab; then, up the hill and across the park to the last main road, which i also need to turn left on; and finally, down that road and up the hill and into my lot and parking space --

email at work, to clear decks for lj catchup: trip says this week looks too busy for him to meet, ok -- calls at 1010am (as likewise again at 1220) for the bonuspriced investment target they assigned me late last week, as i turned in last wed's report --

class one: from clarissa thinking about parties and life and her gift to the world, till the end of the septimus suicide sequence, where rezia drifts off to sleep under the effect of a sedative --

these days i transition from my first class toward my lunchtime space by heading out of my secondfloor firstclass room, down the corridor to the back stairs, down one back and forth stairflight, out onto the sidewalk at the rear of the building, past the cars parked with noses toward the building and across the driving lane, on toward the row of vehicle butts, which turning rightwards i walk along past the gate, jogging left a bit at the gate to mount the narrow cement walkway that runs along the fronts of the cars parked with their rears toward the new building -- and then on past the entrance to the old front parking lot, past the rear of the guardhouse -- then, turning leftwards, i stride along the perpendicular sidewalk that runs between the old lot and the two old classroom buildings -- a few feet further on, a jog across the driveway, slantwise usually, then along the sidewalk by the opposite edge of the driveway, now right in front of the two old buildings (sometimes i'll spot or even pass students from my justended class who exited via the front of the new building, a slightly shorter route than what i've taken) -- finally, slantwise rightward across the lawn, to cut through the gaps between the bushes near the rear corner of the old building on this side of the asphalt commons, then over the cement curb and right into the side door of the old building -- two doors down on the left is the first of the old comprooms, nearly always classless all of lunch hour -- by one or so i'll switch to the preproom at the far end of the other old building, on the opposite side of the asphalt commons --

why do i go this way? because the path out of the front of the new building toward the old buildings is the sidewalk along which anyone would walk to go from any part of the campus toward any other -- very crowded, and also a good place to run into someone you may not be sure you want to run into -- when you feel marginal, you tend to act marginal, to avoid uncomfortable situations -- people don't want to be uncomfortable or create uncomfortable situations, generally -- and i imagine i am more noticey and sensitive than many -- so i try to avoid running into many students, and particularly into faculty, who may either ignore me or may try to talk to me on some level or another -- and any of those options can be annoying and energydraining -- and, given everything, energydraining means energywasting --

it's a small strategic accomplishment to be able to make it across campus without anything uncomfortable happening -- there are worse possibilities than that --

class two: a lot of episode 10 (i don't quite do all of it, which i have fit into one hourlong class a few times, but wtf -- i'm not really behind, i don't think) -- interesting that 10 is about everyone weaving in and out of each other's activities in a complex urban environment, kind of what i was thinking about on my snaky way across campus during the big midday classchange --

before my first class i thought of maybe saying in my classes that i can't do that special "tuesday with a weds" schedule thing tomorrow -- how can this place pay people to be part time and expect them to keep other days and times open for them too? o i forgot, they always do that, it's only natural... how many different schedules have i been randomly assigned from semester to semester?? they must be thinking it should be the only thing i do, otherwise how could i shuttle different jobs randomly around every four months without the whole thing crashing sometimes -- o right, that wouldn't be their problem -- well, wtf, i'll do the tuesday classes -- that way i don't get behind in the classes and end up too squeezed at termend --

way home, grocs -- can't find the receipt, but i noted that i got three more soup specials from the special that started last friday: two each of creamy chicken and wild rice (13g carb in each 8oz), steak and homestyle noodles (16), and steak and sauteed mushrooms (18)-- and probably also something else -- but as i say, i aint seein the receipt here in the second half of dec. --

at home, i take the tossed shirt from the bed and rinse just the stained parts out in the bathroom sinking, hoping that suffices as i hang it over the shower rod to air dry --

then more kb stuff, with aac running in the tray for occasional checking -- a's not home and on i.m. till 645, owing to the pilldoc apptmt -- dose up again, yup -- by 706 we're done talking about her food intake for the day (the drug has caused her to lose like ten pounds), and on to my dinner:

A (10/30/2006 7:06:12 PM): what'd you have for dinner?
G (10/30/2006 7:06:17 PM): unalluring but very easy
G (10/30/2006 7:06:22 PM): well
G (10/30/2006 7:06:30 PM): 99cent cauliflower this week
G (10/30/2006 7:06:31 PM): so
G (10/30/2006 7:06:41 PM): steam a cauliflower
G (10/30/2006 7:06:44 PM): i like them
G (10/30/2006 7:07:28 PM): and make white sauce (milk, cornstarch, dry mustard), then chop in a few mushrooms (saute in oil if ambitious), melt some shredded cheese in after it boiled a minute
G (10/30/2006 7:07:32 PM): pour over c.f
G (10/30/2006 7:07:34 PM): voila
A (10/30/2006 7:07:42 PM): sounds like a meal
A (10/30/2006 7:07:48 PM): amazing what a sauce can do
G (10/30/2006 7:07:52 PM): yep
G (10/30/2006 7:08:06 PM): basically milk and cheese with a little thickener
G (10/30/2006 7:09:18 PM): i made one on friday, ate half, j was starving when got home, ate other half -- i made one today, hadn't eaten all day, ended up eating the whole thing, but that was just about all i had all day
G (10/30/2006 7:09:42 PM): so not too many cals or carbs really
A (10/30/2006 7:09:50 PM): i don't think you can eat too much cauliflower
A (10/30/2006 7:09:58 PM): maybe a fiber issue
G (10/30/2006 7:10:00 PM): cal wise or carb wise, no
G (10/30/2006 7:10:08 PM): low on both
G (10/30/2006 7:10:43 PM): sauce is only thing, and there just isn't that much, like 8oz cheese, that's not too bad for my fat for the whole day
G (10/30/2006 7:10:57 PM): less than 8
G (10/30/2006 7:11:02 PM): have to check
G (10/30/2006 7:11:09 PM): half a bar or a little more
A (10/30/2006 7:11:17 PM): that's probably 4 oz.
G (10/30/2006 7:11:21 PM): more than half
G (10/30/2006 7:11:24 PM): maybe 6?
A (10/30/2006 7:11:30 PM): maybe so
G (10/30/2006 7:11:48 PM): i have made it for years, so i dont measure or use recipe
G (10/30/2006 7:12:06 PM): it is actually originally from the cauliflower and cheese sauce recipe in joy of cooking
G (10/30/2006 7:12:49 PM): anyway, not so different from beans
A (10/30/2006 7:12:54 PM): more evidence why we love joy of cooking
G (10/30/2006 7:13:22 PM): if they didnt delete it from your newer edition, you can check it in the index under cauliflower
G (10/30/2006 7:13:29 PM): c. and cheese sauce
A (10/30/2006 7:13:29 PM): i'll look

she can't stay on i.m. much longer, needs to let her downhall neighbor use her comp for a bit -- she's sorry she slept through my call last night, and i say i'll call tennish if awake, but from my sprint invoice it seems i wasn't awake to -- probably fell asleep the second half of the 9pm or first half of the 10pm hour -- a lot on my mind, it's probably wearing me down more after a usual day worth of hours --
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standard time; unexpected chinatown time [Oct. 29th, 2006|10:19 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |tiredtired]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Meat Loaf, "Left in the Dark"]

awake 640ish -- up for the paper about 7, with one dollarbill and six of my collection of Mon-Sat morning paperquarters -- j. lives by debit and credit card for even the smallest purchases, never has change available for the paper (they don't use c/c's at the biddyshop, and certainly wouldn't accept a c/c for a quarter -- and to use a c/c i'd have to wait to be served anyhow, rather than tossing my coin or coins on the stack of plastic trays by one of the registers and then dashing out, as if i'm on a deadline) -- i don't like to make them make change for me up there, either, if i can help it; takes more time, and i've had problems with that before, especially on sundays where actual addition is involved -- 'let's see, what does he have, an x and a y, that's 1.75 and .75, that makes 2.50' -- you'd think even the biddies or their mexican minions would be damn hardpressed to get some step wrong, but shit, it happens -- i been there --

home and, between changing various wallclocks and the microwave (cellphone, comp, and cablebox adjust themselves), i am just done flipping through the post as j. gets up, local-local paper still untouched -- but post is what she wants when she gets up, so that works out fine -- early dogwalk, given the extra hour of sleep -- about 745-820 -- at sb, as so often on weekends, they put out the table as i wait outside w/ the dog, in this case after the rainy no table saturday -- we sit there a bit, then home -- it's bright, but in usual post storm fashion, really really really windy -- bonechilling on face and body, down the windtunnel road homeward, despite a brown hooded sweatshirt --

on im, a.'d forgotten about standard time when she first got up -- she goes to do morningprep and i'm in the kitchen reading through whatever draws my eye in the sunday papers -- from 928am on, we're back talking again, first about scary movies she's come across on tv (she wasn't realizing halloween is imminent), and then about other stuff -- for example (and note, no emoticons added back in in today's entry, except where blank message segments tell me what they'd have to have been...):

A (10/29/2006 9:48:13 AM): i was just writing down some dream/half awake half asleep thoughts
G (10/29/2006 9:48:36 AM): along what lines?
A (10/29/2006 9:49:13 AM): i never know what your motivation is when you ask questions like that
G (10/29/2006 9:49:43 AM): to know what's going on with you? what are the range of possible motivations as you see them? if you tell me i'll comment
A (10/29/2006 9:50:09 AM): well, sometimes i think it is to know what is going on with me
G (10/29/2006 9:50:18 AM): k
G (10/29/2006 9:50:20 AM): and?
A (10/29/2006 9:50:46 AM): but sometimes i sortof feel like, i don't know, an experiment or something - like you want to know to know
A (10/29/2006 9:51:07 AM): for knowing more about people and various thought patterns
A (10/29/2006 9:51:13 AM): which i guess is okay
G (10/29/2006 9:51:14 AM): i do like to understand people and situations
G (10/29/2006 9:51:17 AM): but
G (10/29/2006 9:51:30 AM): you think that means i don't really care about you or something?
A (10/29/2006 9:53:19 AM): sometimes yes
A (10/29/2006 9:53:23 AM): i mean
G (10/29/2006 9:53:29 AM): long time for a short answer
G (10/29/2006 9:53:57 AM): yes?
G (10/29/2006 9:54:01 AM): you mean?
A (10/29/2006 9:54:14 AM): i think you do care
G (10/29/2006 9:54:18 AM): but
A (10/29/2006 9:54:31 AM): but sometimes i don't know
A (10/29/2006 9:54:53 AM): sometimes i feel like maybe i'm just interesting because i'm strange
G (10/29/2006 9:55:10 AM): you're not so strange, i could be a lot weirder than you in some ways
A (10/29/2006 9:55:28 AM): how are you weird?
G (10/29/2006 9:55:38 AM): you've known me for a year, you tell me
A (10/29/2006 9:55:56 AM): well, i think it is weird that you still live the way you do [she means married]
G (10/29/2006 9:56:28 AM): different people would deal with it in different ways, true
A (10/29/2006 9:56:28 AM): and i think it is strange that you talk about your bowel movements in lj
G (10/29/2006 9:56:34 AM): that's strange?
A (10/29/2006 9:56:44 AM): i think that is really weird
G (10/29/2006 9:57:00 AM): do you think about your own bodily functions?
A (10/29/2006 9:57:07 AM): and you can be a little quirky sometimes
A (10/29/2006 9:57:19 AM): i guess i do think about my bodily functions some
A (10/29/2006 9:57:33 AM): but it has to be something major going on for me to talk about it
G (10/29/2006 9:57:53 AM): in some ways the ordinary is more interesting than the unusual
G (10/29/2006 9:58:03 AM): but yes
G (10/29/2006 9:58:36 AM): not everybody thinks about things or tries to capture them some in words, they just get through them
G (10/29/2006 9:59:03 AM): maybe often people try not to think about them, just get through them
G (10/29/2006 9:59:44 AM): ok, you have no comment, np :-0
G (10/29/2006 9:59:46 AM): <-)
G (10/29/2006 9:59:49 AM): :-)
G (10/29/2006 9:59:52 AM): stupid fingers
G (10/29/2006 9:59:54 AM): so
A (10/29/2006 9:59:57 AM): i was thinking
G (10/29/2006 9:59:59 AM): how am i so quicky?
G (10/29/2006 10:00:01 AM): np
G (10/29/2006 10:00:03 AM): think then
G (10/29/2006 10:00:13 AM): i have pieces of the newspaper i am still reading
G (10/29/2006 10:00:17 AM): i'm here
G (10/29/2006 10:00:24 AM): quirky [, i meant to type]
G (10/29/2006 10:00:26 AM): sheesh
G (10/29/2006 10:00:34 AM): drummy typing
G (10/29/2006 10:00:37 AM): crummy
G (10/29/2006 10:00:41 AM): drummy too
A (10/29/2006 10:01:24 AM): you are funny
A (10/29/2006 10:01:25 AM): y [obviously a fingerslip]
A (10/29/2006 10:01:39 AM): you know you can be quirky
G (10/29/2006 10:01:39 AM): y not
G (10/29/2006 10:01:45 AM): um
G (10/29/2006 10:01:46 AM): how?
A (10/29/2006 10:02:42 AM): i don't know how to explain it
G (10/29/2006 10:02:52 AM): that's what thinking is for
A (10/29/2006 10:02:59 AM): right!
A (10/29/2006 10:03:07 AM): i think though that i need to take a shower
G (10/29/2006 10:03:08 AM): you always ask me to talk and explain
G (10/29/2006 10:03:10 AM): yes?
G (10/29/2006 10:03:11 AM): ok
G (10/29/2006 10:03:13 AM): well
G (10/29/2006 10:03:20 AM): tty in a bit
A (10/29/2006 10:03:21 AM): not sure if i'm using that as an excuse to get out of this conversation
A (10/29/2006 10:03:29 AM): but i do need to shower before i leave
G (10/29/2006 10:03:33 AM): of course not never
A (10/29/2006 10:03:35 AM): and i do always ask to you talk and explain
A (10/29/2006 10:03:39 AM): and i try to
A (10/29/2006 10:03:45 AM): i explain a lot more than i used to
G (10/29/2006 10:03:48 AM): well, i'll talk to you in a bit
G (10/29/2006 10:03:49 AM): vg
G (10/29/2006 10:03:57 AM): dont make yourself late
A (10/29/2006 10:03:57 AM): would you agree?
G (10/29/2006 10:04:05 AM): you explain more than a year ago
G (10/29/2006 10:04:07 AM): hmm
G (10/29/2006 10:04:51 AM): could be, i'd have to think, you did talk about things from the beginning, but it's true that there are always more things to figure out and go into, so it's an ongoing process always
G (10/29/2006 10:05:14 AM): and you have tried to think about and talk about stuff more over the months, yes
A (10/29/2006 10:05:46 AM): good. i thought i had!
G (10/29/2006 10:05:52 AM): k
A (10/29/2006 10:05:57 AM): so, enjoy the newspaper - and i'll tty when i get back
G (10/29/2006 10:06:06 AM): back from therapy? or from shower?
A (10/29/2006 10:06:19 AM): i'll say hi before i leave if you are around
G (10/29/2006 10:06:22 AM): tty in a bit
G (10/29/2006 10:06:23 AM): bfn
A (10/29/2006 10:06:32 AM): and i might go into the city after therapy depending on how i feel
G (10/29/2006 10:06:38 AM): to do?
A (10/29/2006 10:06:47 AM): just to wander around
G (10/29/2006 10:06:50 AM): ah
G (10/29/2006 10:07:01 AM): are you hinting for company? or wanting to be alone?
A (10/29/2006 10:07:28 AM): i was updating - i don't know, company could be nice
G (10/29/2006 10:07:34 AM): hmm
G (10/29/2006 10:07:38 AM): would need to arrange
G (10/29/2006 10:07:39 AM): but
G (10/29/2006 10:07:47 AM): what time does therapy end?
A (10/29/2006 10:07:52 AM): about 12:30
G (10/29/2006 10:07:53 AM): and would you have decided by then?
A (10/29/2006 10:08:02 AM): i would decide when therapy ends
G (10/29/2006 10:08:06 AM): ok
G (10/29/2006 10:08:37 AM): well, if i know by 1230 i could leave either 1230 or 100, be in town either 130 or 200
G (10/29/2006 10:08:40 AM): so
G (10/29/2006 10:08:51 AM): if you want to meet, call asap at 1230
G (10/29/2006 10:09:00 AM): i'll have phone on
A (10/29/2006 10:09:06 AM): i'll do that - i'll call either way
G (10/29/2006 10:09:13 AM): abt 1230?
G (10/29/2006 10:09:14 AM): k
A (10/29/2006 10:09:26 AM): tty in a bit
G (10/29/2006 10:09:29 AM): k, shower time dont be late
G (10/29/2006 10:09:31 AM): yep

at 1040 i'm teasing her about leaving late, but i also ask for when i'd be thinking of getting home, and she leaves it up to me, signing off im at 1042 --

meanwhile, i saw upon getting up that m.a. emailed me late last night (2:24, was that actually already standard time and even later than it sounds?) to say she's now added a yahoo im, in addition to the aim she's always used:

and now I'm on Yahoo! Instant Messenger.

Don't ask me why. I guess we [she and her husband, i assume] were bored. I don't even know how to work it, so I'm rarely on there.

my reply, while a.'s in the shower, 10:17:

hi ma -- i sent an add request to you there from my usual current yahoo
s.n., fornow0506 -- i tend to be on there a fair amount in the sense
that the yahoo i.m. software is turned on b/c i never know when someone
will show up (most often i'm actually talking there very late afternoons
or early evenings on weekdays, scattered times weekends) --

best, g

wonder what'll come of that -- she just wants to chat with me, that's a sometime thing at best -- she reiterated the 'never meet' thing earlier this fall, the one that in 2003 i sometimes though she might drop eventually --

after finishing the morning paper, i talk to j. about me visiting friends in the city just for the afternoon -- as long as she has the car and is not left alone all evening and overnight, she doesn't make an issue of it -- i also clean up more in my room, piling the layer of gradually accumulated floorspilled stuff onto my bed for subsequent triaging -- i think the dog tends to knock stuff when running around and clambering on and off the bed, then footscatters things further while dashing back and forth through the house -- and once it ends up on the floor it never climbs back onto the table or other higher surface from which it was dislodged -- i feel the futility of constantly putting back again onto more elevated horizontal surfaces the items the dog knocks daily onto my living space's lowest horizontal surface, and tend to wait until there's a lot of it so i can catch up all at once in one big push -- from time to time j. comments critically about stuff on the floor (i often leave the door shut so as to avoid this) -- but for my part i point out that if the dog roamed free upstairs, where she lives, she would have stuff to pick up constantly, and she seems to be far less responsible about keeping up with housekeeping than i am -- i do about 90% of it --

and in the fairly rushed scoopup cleanup process, i find my drivers license, which it now comes back to me i dug out of my left pantspocket and sat on the edge of the computer table in order help me with filling out the paperwork for my brooklyn left turn ticket -- that was the morning of the first monday in october, if memory serves -- so apparently i've been driving with only my old expired license for the last four weeks practically, the entire month almost -- sheesh -- good thing i wasn't pulled over -- but i think you can send a xerox of your license to prove it was valid as of the date you were pulled over and get out of a ticket like that, like in march 04, when j. didn't have the insurance slip in the glovecompartment yet, the time they 'pulled me over' for speeding (see some nov 05 lj entry about brian levine and pinky) -- still...

at 1233 a. calls to say to head to town, and out the door i dash to maybe make the 100 -- obstructions on obstructions -- and of course b.f. is by her garbage cans by the side of the house fussing w/ smthg, but i look in a hurry and am in a hurry, so i make sure not to look in her direction and dash off to the bus stop -- and soon it seems the bus has probably passed, or else is late -- eventually, i call a. after i'm at the terminal to leave a message saying i'll be sitting for most of half an hour, getting the 130ish boat --

and then more obstructive fun -- as i sit minding my own business and reading, up comes one of the fulltime philosophy faculty from where i work, an elderly but smart and nice and cheery gent from central europe -- he explains he's going into midtown with his wife and a number of friends to go to a broadway matinee -- ok, np, i'm meeting friends in the city i say, chinatown -- and natch, he has a favor to ask: the jj conference program and stuff from june 04 -- could i lend them to him to see? he'll make sure to give them back, he promises -- he and i talked about jj some in 04-05, but he was on sabbatical in fall 05 and i have not been on the third floor in the main office much of this calendar year, really not since nasty philosophy guy bugged me about being there last in sept 05 -- ok, i tell him, np, i'll dig them up -- he wonders if i went to the hungarian jj conference in june 06, which i'd mentioned to him in fall 05, but i say no, i was too busy -- i guess that's a good proxy for 'i was working for money' and 'i don't see the point of it in terms of what i get back for the time and money expended; was i supposed to add another 3000 dollars or something to my credit card balance? it has a limit, you know' --

and after he goes back to chatting with his friends maybe 75 feet away i'm left sitting there thinking about how much work the conference stuff might be to find -- maybe a fair amount; hard to say till after it's done with -- and this is for what? what will i get out of this? he can't do anything for me --

really, this is just another in a huge series of examples of how the whole academic system is set up around bullshit, each of us acting as if we are colleagues or something when we're just not -- and i'm just kind of galled, really, because here i am supinely agreeing yet again to do something for nothing, again for someone i already subsidize financially in a way that has huge impacts on my life (i.e., i'd have a whole different attitude and situation if i was paid a percentage of what i take in in tuition that was not lowered to compensate for his perks) -- academia is supposed to be about figuring out and expressing and communicating reality less imperfectly, but for some reason the practical and interpersonal aspects of it are a million times more bullshitty than anything i ever saw in the business world -- in an accounting firm, people didn't pretend everyone was in the same boat, and people didn't expect you to do something for nothing as if we were all pals that did everything for one another all the time out of sheer mutual love and collegial companionship --

but did i have the choice to say no? that would be churlish and hostilelooking, would make me appear bad, might get repeated and gossiped around -- so, bottomlining: i've just been snookered into doing something nice, at the expense of my own time and effort, for no recompense, and am expected to act as if it's normal and okay -- more academic bullshit --

when i arrive in manhattan, as i come out of the terminal, needing to make pedestrian decisions based on which train i ought to get, i call a. and she's being all indecisive about what to do or where to meet and how -- at the point at which i'm writing this (second week of dec.) i can't recall the details (she was going to buy specific stockings at some special place in lower manhattan, and i could meet her there before or after her purchase, or else i could meet her elsewhere afterwards) -- basically, it had to do with where to meet and which train and what our destination would be poststockings -- sometimes she needs to work on being someone rather than trying not to be anyone, or i guess trying not to be obtrusive by being demanding -- it is possible to be strong and indecisive and observational, rather than impositional, all at the same time; i have that mix myself -- it is also possible to push yourself to decide your opinions, to be things, to reveal yourself -- she's been somewhat different somehow, since starting that pill two weeks ago -- she's more withdrawn and unsure of herself than ever, often seems to need to be alone -- and not talking about what you want, maybe not even to yourself, is a sort of hiding -- in the end, she went shopping for something clothingy while i worked my way uptown; we met in chinatown, with the idea of eating somewhere --

but when we met up just after 2pm she was still being indecisive -- at first i was trying to give us a satisfactory goal by heading for the area where we went to taste of chinatown in late winter, thinking we might come across an agreeable place from that day, or from the subsequent weekend when we'd had a full meal in a place where she'd liked the springrolls she'd gotten from the sidewalk in front of the restaurant late on taste of chinatown afternoon -- but we didn't spot that place -- so after being indecisive about several possible lunch/dinner places, walking up and down several streets, studying windowmenus and discussing, we decided in the end to head up short stairs into the fairly inexpensive joe's ginger, where we were seated near a window at the right side of the smallish place, and ended up ordering an appetizer and two fairly simple entrees (the whole menu was fairly simple, really, and simply prepared): duck for her and chicken for me, with each coming basically as half a torso, steamed and spiced and slices crosswise into threequarter inch pieces -- the menu prices were inexpensive, but they tried to make up for that by strategies such as asking you if you wanted rice or not and then charging for it when you said yes, an unusual but not totally unfamiliar chineseplace gambit -- the preparation was fine if plain, not glopped up with starchy sugary sauces -- but that also saved them time and expense --

service however was annoying -- resto service can bug you when they disappear a lot or are just too busy (overworked/understaffed/inefficient/etcetera/alloftheabove), to and past the point where you can't get anything done without effort and a wait -- but this was the rarer opposite problem: staff welltrained to hassle you constantly, is everything ok?, are you done with this? (i.e., can i take the dish away, when you might not be really done with it yet), and so on -- after twenty minutes, it was obvious that whenever they were not actively carrying something to or fro or talking to a table, they were supposed to line up along an invisible mark near the register and stand there posed facing the frontdoor, approaching any new or existing customer at the first sign of need -- and 'sign of need' doesn't necessarily mean beck or new entry, it simply means having a mostly empty plate or dish you at table that are not actively eating from at that moment -- very officious, to where by late in the meal you are guarding your food as you race to finish before they can ask you if they can take it away when there are a few bites still left --

as for a. and i, we updated each other facetoface for the first time since my birthday, nearly three weeks (and notice i am still not at her place, which makes wonder; maybe more about her feelings about her than those about me, but one never knows, do one...) -- her habits have changed so noticeably since she started the moodpill a week after my birthday -- she's two weeks in to the pill now, started on the lowest dose, now is at a middle one, and since she still feels notgood may well be on, after her pilldoc meeting monday evening, to a higher (but not quite the highest) dose -- she talks about her cutting of late, which she'd started prepill when feeling down (she mentions not taking her shirt off on the ninth for that reason; she does it on her upperarms), but which she has continued with since, at times quite actively it seems (i haven't seen anything yet) --

so all in all i am still pretty worried about her -- wait and see how things go, how things settle: same story as usual -- only i also feel partly responsible, by this point, b/c i think she thinks that if things were different with her and me (and, in part, just with her), her life would have far fewer problems -- i can see how she would think that, and in some regards she could be right -- but she could also be wrong -- wait and watch, help where you can --

and out -- she pays with c/c and i give half in cash, trying as often to live by what i have and keep new c/c stuff to a minimum -- but we stop also, for a good halfhour, in the km asian store on canal (the parent store of the km grocery i go to? i think so) -- the place where i bought plates and stuff in the early spring, the weekend a's turkey-interested friend l---- was visiting -- and i get four more nicely decorated five to eight dollar bowls, and half a pound each of two kids of tea, earl grey and oolong, which i like the sweet (rather than astringent) scents of, going about lifting glasslid after glasslid by glass knobs, then asking a middleaged but somewhat wrinkly and limited vocabulary gentleman in the department to scoop and weigh and bag and pricemark my selections --

and that i have to put on a c/c, not enough cash left for it, up at the register at the front end of the substreet ground floor, with the two young women, packerup and ringerup, exchanging curt transaction comments -- ah well, we can't always be consistent, especially in trying to live up to goals -- if goals were inevitably attained in every case, they'd have to have been pretty pointlessly easy goals, and as such not much of a motivation to positive change or attainment -- and as for these particular items, i like having my own bowls and things, and my own nicescented tea; those are things j. doesn't bring to the house, not because she doesn't like them (she likes nice tea, and now preferentially uses my chinese bowls from march for her soup and cereal and oatmeal), but in fact because she can't manage to get to them -- well, bringing home something she'll most likely have positive reactions to is probably good for today --

a. and i take the train south together, and i get off in lower manhattan just in time to make the slightly latedeparting 5pm boat, no waiting at all this direction this time, woohoo --

home at 545 -- no issues this time, at least none apparent today -- before i left i looked over my room and tried to make sure there was nothing left to make an issue out of -- and soon after --

A (10/29/2006 6:15:05 PM): could you really be home already?
A (10/29/2006 6:15:06 PM): i just walked in five minutes ago
A (10/29/2006 6:16:16 PM): maybe just yahoo weirdness
A (10/29/2006 6:16:18 PM): ttyl

i showed up at 617pm, but she was busy checking what she'd bought in the city -- we talk some from 643 till 728 -- topics: time to rest; our purchases; me teasing about why purchases would need to be checked, since after all they are exactly the same things just examined prepurchase; me reminding her to clean the apartment some to help her mental state; the fact that it was dark when she and i got home sixish, given the shift last night to standard time; i talk some about the tendency in the last twentyplus years for daylight time to be made longer and longer and standard time commensurately shorter; she's interested by the idea of me knowing all this detritus of life and world:

A (10/29/2006 6:55:26 PM): amazing how you pick up all this kind of stuff
G (10/29/2006 6:55:52 PM): [i] read papers, magazines, listen to radio and tv, on internet, etc.
G (10/29/2006 6:56:07 PM): that's all
G (10/29/2006 6:56:11 PM): i am no expert on it [daylight/standard time and its ins and outs]
G (10/29/2006 6:56:28 PM): read two or three news articles in last three days b/c of change
A (10/29/2006 6:57:20 PM): i see
G (10/29/2006 6:57:29 PM): i wanted to know everything by the time i was 309
G (10/29/2006 6:57:32 PM): didnt quite make it
G (10/29/2006 6:57:42 PM): but did better than if i hadnt bothered trying
A (10/29/2006 6:57:43 PM): 39?
G (10/29/2006 6:57:49 PM): 30 finger slipped
G (10/29/2006 6:57:57 PM): at age 18-21
A (10/29/2006 6:58:15 PM): you really wanted to know EVERYTHING? by the time you were 30? did you think you could?
G (10/29/2006 6:58:24 PM): kind of
G (10/29/2006 6:58:29 PM): in a way
G (10/29/2006 6:58:31 PM): but
G (10/29/2006 6:58:33 PM): did ok
A (10/29/2006 6:58:44 PM): fascinating
G (10/29/2006 6:58:48 PM): you never know everything
G (10/29/2006 6:58:49 PM): duh
G (10/29/2006 6:59:25 PM): i feel i have leanred a lot just in the last ten years, but a lot of it based on what i already knew
G (10/29/2006 6:59:28 PM): there ya go
G (10/29/2006 7:00:21 PM): so that's boring
G (10/29/2006 7:00:24 PM): anyway
A (10/29/2006 7:00:27 PM): no, not boring
A (10/29/2006 7:00:49 PM): i was thinking that when you know a little about a lot of things then you probably don't come across much that is completely original
A (10/29/2006 7:01:05 PM): so what you learn is based on what you already know
G (10/29/2006 7:01:09 PM): yes, but you can also fit things in or get things somewhat more easily
G (10/29/2006 7:01:17 PM): then again there are always new things
G (10/29/2006 7:01:18 PM): and
G (10/29/2006 7:01:36 PM): you get more depth and confirmation and examples of what you already had some sense of...
G (10/29/2006 7:02:32 PM): then maybe you do things with it
G (10/29/2006 7:02:44 PM): i always end up using stuff in classes, talking, writing, etc
A (10/29/2006 7:03:00 PM): and i get the benefit of some of it too
A (10/29/2006 7:03:06 PM): which is cool
G (10/29/2006 7:03:19 PM): well, as long as you ask me about something i know something about
G (10/29/2006 7:03:33 PM): daylight savings is not one of my specialities


then on to a discussion of how lucy manette's name is pronounced in tale of two cities, which she taught last fall and is teaching again this fall; why some french words have t's near or at the end that are pronounced and some that are not; then about who came up with daylight savings and time zones, and why; and, to close, our schedules for the rest of the evening and tomorrow afternoon and evening (she'll be home late due to pilldoc apptmt) -- picking up from the daylight time discussion, she comes back with --

A (10/29/2006 8:28:44 PM): me and the cows agree
G (10/29/2006 8:28:56 PM): huh?
G (10/29/2006 8:29:01 PM): tired?
A (10/29/2006 8:29:01 PM): it feels like 9:30 regardless of what the time says
G (10/29/2006 8:29:04 PM): right
G (10/29/2006 8:29:14 PM): so you are going to sleep?
A (10/29/2006 8:29:18 PM): i am!
G (10/29/2006 8:29:26 PM): i should call?
G (10/29/2006 8:29:33 PM): assuming i dont follow suit?
G (10/29/2006 8:29:39 PM): or no?
A (10/29/2006 8:30:05 PM): yes, if you are up, call
G (10/29/2006 8:30:12 PM): k, well, wish me luck
G (10/29/2006 8:30:14 PM): ttyl
G (10/29/2006 8:30:15 PM): :-P
A (10/29/2006 8:30:23 PM): but i have a feeling you'll be asleep soon!
G (10/29/2006 8:30:29 PM): dunno, ok right now
A (10/29/2006 8:30:34 PM): 'night for now
G (10/29/2006 8:30:36 PM): but was at up 620 this morning
G (10/29/2006 8:30:37 PM): night
G (10/29/2006 8:30:39 PM): for now
A (10/29/2006 8:30:43 PM): tty?
G (10/29/2006 8:30:57 PM): tty assuming i'm up in 90 mins
G (10/29/2006 8:31:00 PM): yep
G (10/29/2006 8:31:03 PM): night for now

according to my sprint invoice, i call 1008, and no pickup (it's a two minute call, including all the rings; and two minutes means anything as short as 61 seconds) -- well, she said she was sleepy, and as long as i tried and she didn't pick up, it's not like i forgot or fell asleep before calling --
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sunday writing writing 87: singing the life of the tribe [Oct. 29th, 2006|03:19 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |apatheticaccepting]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Beatles, "Let It Be" (album version)]

nobody needs to believe in you for you to do what you think is write -- i mean, right

[humph, a genuine unpremeditated typo there...]

only rarely does something important get respected as important, at the time of its emergence, in the ways in which it later on will come to be generally or predominantly seen as having been important, in cultural retrospect

let it be whatever it's going to be -- you are not completely in control of it, and even less so of what anyone thinks of it, or does or doesn't do with or about it
linkpost comment

another (?) stormy saturday [Oct. 28th, 2006|12:17 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |pessimisticgetting by...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Johnny Nash, "I Can See Clearly Now"]

there have been several stormy saturdays chronicled in this series over the last 22 months, haven't there? i don't suppose it's that any one day of the week is more likely, or less, to be lashed by stormy weather -- roiling airmasses have no clue what day it is, and our sevenday cycle corresponds to nothing in nature (i suppose it might originally have been keyed to the number of major astronomical objects, sun moon and gods keyed to various planets, as well as seven happening to amount to a quarter of a roughly 28-day lunar cycle -- but none of that has anything scientific to do with weather patterns; these just all happened to be skythings, as far as the ancients experienced them) -- hmm, maybe it's just that on the first postworkweek day, one stays home and hunkers when it's stormy, while on weekdays one would try to ignore it and have a basically regular day --

i awaken 600, pitchblack, sound of driving rain against the house, windgusts -- out to get the paper at 700am, umbrella in fist, and am not too surprised that the biddystore does not have the post yet -- after all, around 610 the morning talkradio host had said he couldn't get it in midtown manhattan before the show started at 6am; obviously some general production or distribution delay --

ah well, no biggie, on up to sefldesignated 'convenient food mart' (if they must say so themselves) -- they are the biggest momandpop type deli within a couple of miles of my house, and seem to get the paper earlier than other places -- as a longtime newyorker, i always halfwonder whether this is a deliberate preference b/c they are larger and sell more, or if there is some sort of subrosa bribery or other unsavory restraint-of-trade arrangement going on, one hand washes the other and all that jazz -- i always have a little association with this place, because i would often stop by here to buy a large coffee on the may home from rnl allnighters, feb-jun 04, around 5 or 530 am -- in case j. got up early and knew i wasn't home, i could say i'd gone out early to get coffee and the paper, though often the post is not even here in convenient till 6am or so -- so often it was just coffee -- the daily snooze is probably printed at 4pm; it seems to be heaped everywhere even at 3am -- i sometimes almost think they write it up before events have happened so they can get off work earlier --

and voila, convenient has the post -- rushing to get back home and out of the rain, and also because i'm annoyed that i've had to go out of my way, i don't take sufficient account of the fact that this stupid little stripmall has an upsloped parkinglot, and a highway style guardrail as a barrier to keep customers from backing onto the immediately adjacent public sidewalk -- and because of the slope you can't see the guardrail in your rearview, and the convenient is conveniently at the end of the stripmall and hence at the spot where the guardrail ends and the wide entrance-exit begins -- so the only view you have of the guardrail, backing downhill under gravity while swiveling so you can subsequently turn around 180 degrees, is from your passengerside mirror, which only shows you the corner of the car that is somewhat further away than the near (or left) side is; the driverside of the car is poking further back than the right side as you swivel leftward -- so voila, i hear this little thump as i am braking to stop the car from backing, figuring i'm turned far enough that i can curve around and head backwards and out without impediments -- i tapped the very far end of the guardrail, but it didn't feel like much -- on the old car it would be fine, just rubber thumping lightly -- but i'm a little worried, will have to check it visually when i get home --

yep, sure enough there's a little line: no broken or chipped paint, just a sixinch horizontal pressure mark where the paint looks a little lighter now -- when j bumped the other car in the parkinglot in canada in august, i pointed out that this car would have to end up with little dings on the bumpers sooner or later -- unlike oldtime cars where an occasional very lowspeed bump or touch would not show up visibly, if you walk along the streets or through lots, checking carcorners on the cars whose bumpers are continuous with and spraypainted the exact same shade as the sheetmetal bodies of the car (for aesthetic reasons? thanks guys...), you see nothing but multiple scrapemarks on the four corners of virtually any car that is not virtually new --

j. just about flipped when (as it eventually turned out) she'd scraped the car against borderstones in our driveway the first week we had it, back in july, blaming me for bumping it and either not noticing or lying about it -- see lj entry for the friday evening after the car was acquired -- there is no way in hell i am going to let this be on me; i'll never hear the end of it --

this i suppose is a weakness of mine; i don't like to be in the wrong (i do after all make a pretty big effort to handle things ok) -- but all the way back to early childhood, i knew my mother could be disapproving and my father, while often quite genial, had an occasional temper -- so i learned early on to behave, be seen as not doing the wrong thing, if at all possible avoiding any blame for having done anything wrong -- in short, i was always leery about getting in trouble, and would omit or alter information in pursuit of that goal -- of course, a secondgrader's abilities along those lines are rather limited -- i recall having my glasses knocked off and broken when caught up in and unable to escape from some rammingjamming group tussle on the playground during lunch hour, then hiding for what seemed an eternity after getting home (bet it couldn't have been more than an hour or two), till my mother figured out something was wrong, and what it was, and then turned advocate to keep my father from being annoyed, when he arrived home, at the additional expense -- i recall them standing over me in bed that night (it was also an open house at school night, so i went back out with tapedup glasses), telling me it was ok and not my fault -- while comforted somewhat, i did not really believe them: without being reflective or analytical about it, i knew that they would return to their normal modes when offguard --

and then i married a really critical person -- they say people do that, marry someone like one or both parents -- which is not hard to be true, because all of us are so much alike anyhow, and whatever's there that's parentlike in any partner will happen to strike one especially, because of one's own modes and history rather than because of anything especially unusual about that partner -- but then again, j. is very blamey, from a very young age rejected a lot of what her mother and grandmother did (hanging around bars, dysfunctional lovelives, etc.), dumping mom's booze down the sink, and eventually faking illness so she could escape, at age ten, to her aunt's household some sixhundred miles away -- when j. found her father's easternshore relatives in 94, we came to know her elderly aunt elva, who was very judgmental, and obviously focused a lot of her mental energy on rejecting things and people as bad or seeing them as not good enough -- sometimes i'll mention elva to bug j. when she is being critical and rejecty, pessimistic and depressive --

of course, this explains a lot not only about the daytoday dynamics of j. and my relationship over the years (i almost always feel like i am being seen as wrong or placed in the wrong, no matter what i do, by someone who is not always that big on making an effort herself) -- but also about the state of the relationship overall (she married someone she was not really that sexually connected to, after deciding she was never going to find that and was getting on into her late twenties) --

to be short (ok, too late for that, i know...), i decide to deny all knowledge of the mark -- in driving rain about 8am i notice that a large plastic garbage can as been drive down the gutter in a swash of rainwater against the exact spot at the leftrear corner of the car where the mark is -- when j. gets up, i'll point that out to her and let her draw her own conclusion later -- sneaky, sneaky --

back home and settled in, because she's not getting up and i need caffeine, for the first time since she was gone in august i make coffee at home, using some of her halfandhalf mixed with my remaining milk, one and a half fourcup pyrex containers of water and a lot of caff and decaf hazelnut coffegrounds --

my notes for the date say i et some baby carrots for breakfast -- which reminds me: on a keyfood trip for which i lost the receipt earlier this week, i spotted on the reduced-for-quick-sale shelf two huge footballpartysize blackplastic compartmented trays of vegetables ringed around a bowl of dip, each on sale for 49 cents -- if i had to throw 80% of them out, i calculated in that moment before i picked them up, they'd still be worth 49 cents apiece -- but they were fine -- and i've been vegetabling down ever since -- in fact, as i was getting my prizes rung up in the express checkout, the lady behind me liked the look of them and asked me where they were so she could get some, and the checkout girl jumped in and said they were reduced, to which i helpfully added 'i only saw these two' -- too bad, honey, you snooze you lose --

i am worried dog will pee on the rug or something, so i take him out by the front of the front porch just long enough to pee and dash back up the steps -- he doesn't want to be out there either, even though the rain is not what it was over two hours ago when i awoke -- back in, i tease a. about still being asleep, most likely --

G (10/28/2006 8:15:34 AM): is your statusmessage "nap" there from the 540-840pm one, the overnight one, or a current morning one? ttyl

meanwhile j.'s still hibernating, comes down at 845, asks if it's raining any more -- i say i don't know, has been tapering off, i can make no guarantees about 'not' -- as j. preps to leave, a.'s up --

A (10/28/2006 9:09:18 AM): good morning
A (10/28/2006 9:09:43 AM): i never changed my nap message!
A (10/28/2006 9:09:58 AM): well, it was an extended nap - from 11 to 8:30
A (10/28/2006 9:11:03 AM): i wonder if you are around
G (10/28/2006 9:11:12 AM): just sitting down to type 'dogwalk'
G (10/28/2006 9:11:18 AM): back in 30 or so
G (10/28/2006 9:11:19 AM): morning
A (10/28/2006 9:11:22 AM): ah, enjoy
G (10/28/2006 9:11:25 AM): yep
G (10/28/2006 9:11:35 AM): back before 10
G (10/28/2006 9:11:39 AM): you could take a nap
A (10/28/2006 9:11:48 AM): cute!
G (10/28/2006 9:11:51 AM): ha ha
G (10/28/2006 9:11:52 AM): bfn

dogwalk, 915: by now it's just damp, not raining at all -- before we left, the weatherchannel local radar showed the main precip edge moving northeastward past our location -- by the intersection where yesterday i saw frost on the far side, today on the near side i suddenly see why there are always leaves stuck around the edge of a particular manhole cover -- it goes down into a stormdrain, apparently, and when it rains hard enough the rain forces the cover to tilt upward an inch or two on one side: not enough to dislodge it and move it totally out of position, but enough to vent excess waterpressure from the stormdrain, and meanwhile pushing floating gutterleaves partway out all around the circumference of the cover, creating something like an oldtime laurel wreath on someone's honored head -- only this one seems to be mainly maple, brown, caught halfin and halfout of the cover, with bubbly water squeezing out between them as hard as it could against the weight of the cover --

short dogwalk, due to the damp -- she says he'll get a longer one in the afternoon, after it's nicer out -- soon after we get home, she goes shopping, about 1030, and is not back till around 1245, at which point she goes upstairs for another nap -- so mainly i am on the computer late morning and afternoon -- here are some im segments --

G (10/28/2006 10:46:47 AM): napping?
G (10/28/2006 10:47:05 AM): status message "around (napping)"
G (10/28/2006 10:50:38 AM): ha ha
A (10/28/2006 11:12:51 AM): cute! actually i'm on the phone with [her va. friend] l----
A (10/28/2006 11:12:59 AM): long dogwalk :-)
G (10/28/2006 11:13:54 AM): well, got back by 10, but really did not have a chance to hang at keyboard till 1030something
G (10/28/2006 11:14:07 AM): so it was like 40 mins
G (10/28/2006 11:14:15 AM): it had stopped raining here by then
G (10/28/2006 11:14:51 AM): so what have you been up to?
G (10/28/2006 11:15:00 AM): l--- phone
G (10/28/2006 11:15:01 AM): ok
G (10/28/2006 11:15:09 AM): tty when you have a chance

i turn to cleaning my room, focusing first on four or five boxes of schoolrelated stuff accumulated since fall 2001, which have been sitting on and next to the radiator since a spring or summer sort-through and cleanup -- but given the imminent heating season they need to be moved soon -- the current boxes are shredded and ratty (a.'s moving boxes, worn and, since late 05, dogchewed aw well) -- but now i have about ten big boxes from the august laptop distribution process at school that i can use for better storage in a smaller number of larger boxes -- maybe all the school stuff can go in there, killing two birds with one stone (better, fewer boxes of school storage stuff, and getting he pile of laptop boxes out of the way by using them) -- the school stuff more or less gits in one new box, but as i find when i go to lift it off the bed (where i'd been loading it), the bottom, of interfolded cardboard flaps, is not holding well, and partly falls open as i move it to the floor behind the computer table -- shit, well, let's think about this and come up with a plan b for later -- and on the floor behind the comptable lies, half on its side, a box of papers and schoolrelated books with contents spilling out both bottom and top -- well, my attitude toward that place is inbetween, why shouldn't the physical aspects of it lie in an inbetween state for awhile, too?

A (10/28/2006 12:38:37 PM): hi, you around?
A (10/28/2006 12:39:11 PM): i've talked to l----, paid off a credit card bill, and begun reading tale of two cities
G (10/28/2006 12:39:16 PM): yeah was figuring you talked with l---- then got called away by [downhall neighbor] d--- or fell asleep
G (10/28/2006 12:39:31 PM): ah yea, tale again like last year
G (10/28/2006 12:39:48 PM): so how are things?
A (10/28/2006 12:39:48 PM): yes, need to do a better job teaching it this year!
A (10/28/2006 12:39:53 PM): things are okay

and on into a discussion of teaching tale, then that the weather's getting sunny, her friend l----'s upcoming trip to turkey, my opening the music concert visit lj entry from 17 sept, and then this:

G (10/28/2006 12:53:44 PM): and [i'm also doing] other stuff
A (10/28/2006 12:54:15 PM): general other stuff or interesting other stuff?
G (10/28/2006 12:54:27 PM): general as far as i know
G (10/28/2006 12:54:37 PM): what would be interesting?
G (10/28/2006 12:54:44 PM): different people find different things interesting
A (10/28/2006 12:55:08 PM): you have a point there
G (10/28/2006 12:55:51 PM): a vague point though
A (10/28/2006 12:56:05 PM): and a vague answer from me
G (10/28/2006 12:56:10 PM): i noticed you avoided answering just as well as i did
G (10/28/2006 12:56:15 PM): but really
A (10/28/2006 12:56:26 PM): we are pretty good at this game
G (10/28/2006 12:56:26 PM): nothing is going on here as far as i can tell
G (10/28/2006 12:56:49 PM): j upstairs napping
G (10/28/2006 12:57:32 PM): i'm not sitting here emailing or talking to anyone else, if that's what you're asking, havent checked email since about when i got home from dogwalk
G (10/28/2006 12:57:42 PM): is that what youre asking?
A (10/28/2006 12:57:53 PM): busted
G (10/28/2006 12:58:11 PM): well, i have not written a single email today
G (10/28/2006 12:58:19 PM): and not on im with anyone else
G (10/28/2006 12:58:25 PM): and no phone calls in or out today
G (10/28/2006 12:58:40 PM): so does that bring you up to date
A (10/28/2006 12:58:55 PM): i think it does
G (10/28/2006 12:59:00 PM): so just ask
A (10/28/2006 12:59:17 PM): i did
G (10/28/2006 12:59:22 PM): not exactly
G (10/28/2006 12:59:31 PM): i have to reinterpret what you asked
G (10/28/2006 12:59:32 PM): :-P
G (10/28/2006 12:59:36 PM): had to
A (10/28/2006 1:00:10 PM): but you are good at that, so why not
G (10/28/2006 1:00:26 PM): then again, you could practice being direct
A (10/28/2006 1:00:45 PM): hmmmmm, i could. i'll consider it.
G (10/28/2006 1:00:49 PM): uh huh
G (10/28/2006 1:00:50 PM): :-P

then back onto weather; it was getting cloudy again at my location, which is 12-13 miles by road roughly southwest of her -- sometimes i get weather a little before or a little after her, depending on which direction things are moving -- this storm is moving southsouthwest to northnortheast, i think, from the radar i saw this morning -- and she talks about still being hot, still having a/c mounted in windows and using it -- she says it is 78 in her room, according to my old thermometer over there -- since it's 60 out, i recommend simply opening the windows, but she says some are already open -- well, at least they have good heat in that building for the winter -- when she goes back to reading tale of two cities, about 115, she's getting sun as i'm getting a drenching downpour -- a little later, i leave this for her --

G (10/28/2006 1:29:14 PM): sun out again here, a foot of water running along the gutter in the street out front, fixing food in kitchen, back in a bit

out in the kitchen on and off all morning, i've been cleaning some, and chucking -- there's been tons of junkmail this week, i've never seen so many political ones as the past month, and it was already starting late in the summer -- well, there's an open state senate seat for the first time in decades, and with the republicans not doing so well in the polls the local congressman is worried about his reelection for the first time ever, i bet --

just this past week he's sent out three maybe 8.5x11ish thin cardboard mailers: 1. a scare one naming his opponent as a taxraiser, "Hold Your Wallet Tight & Vote "NO" on [Dem challenger's firstname lastname]," with an old lady clasping her cheeks like in the ad for the original "home alone"; 2. a foldout fourpager "When Washington Turned Its Back on Our 9/11 Heroes... [open foldout] Congressman [lastname] Battled the White House to Bring Home $125 Million for Our 9/11 Heroes" (yep, distance yourself from the national party and the president, if they're unpopular this year...); 3. a slightly larger foldout fourpager "Congressman [firstname lastname] Salutes Our Greatest Generation," with pictures of him playing bocce with old guys and listening to veterans talking with him in small groups, or conversing with nursinghome residents oneonone, and since bush's stab at longterm socialsecurity reform last year scared old people (they are so easy to scare, positively seem to enjoy it), the bulletpoints are all about how he opposed bush's seniorissue this and bush's seniorissue that --

okay, well, whatever people think it takes -- whew, such a lot of mail, and i bet it costs a notsosmall fortune to send out all these mailings every week, week after week -- and 90% of them don't even get glanced at let alone opened, i bet, right into the paper recycling bin, though i'd bet some hardcore partisans on both sides study them lovingly or hatefully -- but the fact is, 40 % are gonna vote Dem and 40% Rep no matter who's running or what a mailer says -- it's that 10-20% in the middle that flips things one way or the other -- well, copies of these mailers will end up in museums somewhere, little bits of everyone's existence during the fall of 2006 -- and that's all i have to say about that --

i also chuck out j's expired coupons (she asks me to tear them out for her on certain things, but then doesn't use them), and a number of old receipts that i know she normally doesn't save --

a. and i are back on im, 502ff. -- here's where we are a few minutes later --

G (10/28/2006 5:09:45 PM): so what are your hot plans for the evening, after 5 i guess we are transitioning into evening
A (10/28/2006 5:10:19 PM): i need to make myself do something other than just sit and watch the world go by
G (10/28/2006 5:10:37 PM): such as what for example?
A (10/28/2006 5:11:16 PM): wash dishes, pick up papers, put away clothes, gather laundry
G (10/28/2006 5:11:32 PM): laundry can only be done in morning and afternoon, yep [her building's basement closes at 7pm, ever since a fire early this year]
G (10/28/2006 5:11:39 PM): but gathered by night
G (10/28/2006 5:11:49 PM): [downhall] d--- is still m.i.a.?
G (10/28/2006 5:11:54 PM): change her name to mia
A (10/28/2006 5:12:14 PM): she must have gone away for shabbos
G (10/28/2006 5:12:37 PM): there ya go, or rather there she went
G (10/28/2006 5:13:32 PM): ok, you are zoning
A (10/28/2006 5:13:56 PM): um, yes, i guess i was
G (10/28/2006 5:14:05 PM): zoning about what?
A (10/28/2006 5:14:41 PM): i just feel weird
G (10/28/2006 5:14:50 PM): in what regard?
A (10/28/2006 5:14:52 PM): not bad per se, but sortof out of it
G (10/28/2006 5:15:05 PM): pill causing it?
A (10/28/2006 5:15:08 PM): i'm guessing so
G (10/28/2006 5:15:10 PM): yep
G (10/28/2006 5:15:26 PM): well, pay attention and see if it goes away or not
A (10/28/2006 5:15:46 PM): i keep hoping the good part will kick in - trying to be patient
G (10/28/2006 5:15:58 PM): yeah, i know how *that* goes
A (10/28/2006 5:16:10 PM): what do you mean?
G (10/28/2006 5:16:18 PM): with other things in life, not ssri's
A (10/28/2006 5:16:29 PM): ah, yes
G (10/28/2006 5:17:01 PM): no ssri for me, i have enough in my head to deal with already i guess
A (10/28/2006 5:17:14 PM): may you never need them
G (10/28/2006 5:17:59 PM): well, i have my moods and problems, but i usually go by thinking through stuff, attitudes and strategies and all, but there are no guarantees that because you think about things they get solved
G (10/28/2006 5:18:14 PM): but anyhow
G (10/28/2006 5:18:15 PM): yup
G (10/28/2006 5:18:42 PM): so it's cleanup time tonight maybe somewhat?
G (10/28/2006 5:18:54 PM): busy week for you, yes? bet there's some to do
A (10/28/2006 5:18:54 PM): i can answer yes to that
A (10/28/2006 5:19:08 PM): i like "maybe somewhat"
G (10/28/2006 5:19:25 PM): i can hedge with the best of them if it seems called for
G (10/28/2006 5:19:26 PM): :-)
A (10/28/2006 5:19:34 PM): thank you!
G (10/28/2006 5:19:36 PM): np
A (10/28/2006 5:19:43 PM): see, and it allowed me to answer yes
G (10/28/2006 5:19:52 PM): hey, get stuff done tonight and you wont have to worry tomorrow
G (10/28/2006 5:20:17 PM): then you will be exhausted and sleep well tonight
G (10/28/2006 5:20:27 PM): less insomnia possibilities
G (10/28/2006 5:20:30 PM): btw
G (10/28/2006 5:20:35 PM): how are the dreams lately?
A (10/28/2006 5:20:39 PM): mmmmmmm, more like get some stuff done and i'll have less to ignore tomorrow
A (10/28/2006 5:20:49 PM): you would call that insomnia?
G (10/28/2006 5:20:55 PM): well, depends on how late you are up and how much you get done per hour
G (10/28/2006 5:21:10 PM): well, i mean, you always wake up at night too
G (10/28/2006 5:21:15 PM): intermittent insomnia
A (10/28/2006 5:21:36 PM): right, i guess i just never thought of it as insomnia
G (10/28/2006 5:22:09 PM): well, check a website, i bet there are definitions of insomnia, and some involve waking up repeatedly for a short time
G (10/28/2006 5:22:14 PM): different kinds of i.
G (10/28/2006 5:22:27 PM): how are dreams lately?
A (10/28/2006 5:22:59 PM): they've been okay - replaying regular daily incidences
G (10/28/2006 5:23:18 PM): so you are happy with them recently, nothing weird or troubling?
A (10/28/2006 5:23:42 PM): nothing too odd
A (10/28/2006 5:23:51 PM): not like sometimes
G (10/28/2006 5:23:51 PM): hedgy answer
G (10/28/2006 5:23:54 PM): ok
G (10/28/2006 5:24:03 PM): so better than the prior several weeks actually?
A (10/28/2006 5:24:27 PM): yes, different than the prior several weeks
G (10/28/2006 5:24:34 PM): ok sounds good
A (10/28/2006 5:24:35 PM): less disturbing
G (10/28/2006 5:24:37 PM): k
G (10/28/2006 5:24:46 PM): what about the other thing, that starts w/ c. [cutting]
A (10/28/2006 5:25:06 PM): not today, not yesterday
G (10/28/2006 5:25:19 PM): skipping two days is unusual in recent weeks?
A (10/28/2006 5:25:28 PM): not so unusual
A (10/28/2006 5:25:33 PM): but probably a good thing
G (10/28/2006 5:25:37 PM): ok
G (10/28/2006 5:26:08 PM): i was figuring maybe every day or two, since you mentioned last week that you'd gone back to it
G (10/28/2006 5:26:25 PM): but three times a week maybe, depending on situation and mood
G (10/28/2006 5:26:50 PM): always arms?
A (10/28/2006 5:27:09 PM): yes
G (10/28/2006 5:27:14 PM): one area?
A (10/28/2006 5:27:26 PM): yes
G (10/28/2006 5:27:32 PM): upper?
A (10/28/2006 5:27:44 PM): yes
G (10/28/2006 5:28:02 PM): easier to hide -- i can think about it from someone else's angle :-)
G (10/28/2006 5:28:09 PM): anyway
G (10/28/2006 5:28:26 PM): partly you have been leery about seeing me b/c you don't want to be noticed or inspected
G (10/28/2006 5:28:36 PM): you are hoping you will stop and it will heal up
A (10/28/2006 5:28:43 PM): i considered that
G (10/28/2006 5:28:46 PM): right
A (10/28/2006 5:28:57 PM): that is why i kept my shirt on the last time you were here
G (10/28/2006 5:29:03 PM): right, you mentioned that
A (10/28/2006 5:29:14 PM): but now you know, and i know you
G (10/28/2006 5:29:30 PM): i figured you said "probably not [any meeting] this weekend" without giving a reason because you'd done it wed/thur/or fri
A (10/28/2006 5:29:43 PM): actually that wasn't the reason
G (10/28/2006 5:29:46 PM): ok
G (10/28/2006 5:30:00 PM): so then that means there was another reason, or more
G (10/28/2006 5:30:06 PM): sneaky
A (10/28/2006 5:30:44 PM): the reason was partly because the house is a mess and it has been a mess the last few times you have been over and i just didn't want you to see it again that way
A (10/28/2006 5:30:56 PM): and also because i just don't quite feel like myself
G (10/28/2006 5:30:59 PM): ok, i would have considered that possibility
G (10/28/2006 5:31:03 PM): and that one too
G (10/28/2006 5:31:08 PM): well, so clean up some
G (10/28/2006 5:31:13 PM): anyway
G (10/28/2006 5:31:15 PM): one sec
G (10/28/2006 5:31:17 PM): brb
G (10/28/2006 5:33:23 PM): you know, if you just got it cleaned and arranged once, would you be able to keep it that way?
G (10/28/2006 5:33:51 PM): it hasn't been totally totally moved into and cleaned up since you arrived, though it has gotten close
A (10/28/2006 5:33:52 PM): i don't think that is entirely true
A (10/28/2006 5:34:12 PM): it has been pretty cleaned up
G (10/28/2006 5:34:33 PM): but there were unfiled or unsorted boxes and shelves
A (10/28/2006 5:34:39 PM): well, that's true
G (10/28/2006 5:34:55 PM): do you know why it gets messier, when it does?
A (10/28/2006 5:35:23 PM): some of it is a reflection on my mood and or energy level
G (10/28/2006 5:36:00 PM): you like following orders, [so] make up orders for yourself, only to put things back where you got them, or to wash dishes every two days at most, or whatever
A (10/28/2006 5:36:08 PM): sometimes it is that i put all my energy into school and i have none left over
A (10/28/2006 5:36:13 PM): you are funny
G (10/28/2006 5:36:16 PM): right i know how that goes
A (10/28/2006 5:36:22 PM): i like following orders?
G (10/28/2006 5:36:23 PM): funny, yes and no
G (10/28/2006 5:36:27 PM): yes sometimes
G (10/28/2006 5:37:05 PM): anyway
G (10/28/2006 5:37:36 PM): you like things to be nice, just get things nice once and leave them that way as much as possible
G (10/28/2006 5:37:45 PM): sometimes i get home tired from school
G (10/28/2006 5:37:50 PM): then i rest
G (10/28/2006 5:38:05 PM): but then i say clean kitchen, too depressing, so i take fifteen minutes
G (10/28/2006 5:38:11 PM): then i feel better
G (10/28/2006 5:38:18 PM): it's not a big thing in life
G (10/28/2006 5:38:25 PM): but small things help mood sometimes
A (10/28/2006 5:39:09 PM): i'll do something tonight
G (10/28/2006 5:39:20 PM): ok, i'll talk to you about it later
A (10/28/2006 5:39:34 PM): oh boy!
G (10/28/2006 5:39:41 PM): sarcasm?
G (10/28/2006 5:39:44 PM): of course
G (10/28/2006 5:39:46 PM): :-P
G (10/28/2006 5:40:04 PM): hey
A (10/28/2006 5:40:11 PM): yes?
G (10/28/2006 5:40:29 PM): is the futon still buried under mount wrinkle? [a reference to a huge pile of clothes she had on it last time i was there; not sure if they were dirty, or clean, or some of both]
A (10/28/2006 5:40:38 PM): it is
G (10/28/2006 5:40:41 PM): watch out for avalanche
G (10/28/2006 5:40:49 PM): hey i havent been there since the 9th
G (10/28/2006 5:40:51 PM): wow
G (10/28/2006 5:40:58 PM): that's 19 days
G (10/28/2006 5:41:37 PM): ok, so do something tonight, gotta go out for a little while, will ping you when i'm back, probably 7 something?
A (10/28/2006 5:41:48 PM): sounds good
G (10/28/2006 5:41:54 PM): ok have fun
A (10/28/2006 5:42:03 PM): you too, ttyl
G (10/28/2006 5:42:07 PM): yep

about 530 j. has suggested that she wants to take us out because i did all the cleanup work on the bathroom and kitchen; fine, i say -- it's the last predusk before standard time kicks in tonight; starting tomorrow it'll be dark at dinnertime -- in the car, she says she'll do anything but pizza, because she's been feeling weightgainy and bloated lately -- we drive on (actually, she drives on), looking at her suggestion for a chinese allyoucaneat buffet place she remembers being along one of the main roads, the one the mall fronts on -- i say fine; i can pick lowcarby items -- but as we drive along the road she cannot spot it, and eventually ends up spotting instead a japanese place and deciding on the spur of the moment to do a comparison with the japanese place we have been on assignment to recently -- it's in the other half of the local IHOP building (owned by a korean), just down the street from the large maincorner diner we went to on weekends for years, back in the nineties --

inside, we are seated in a side room where there are mainly couples and middleaged people -- the main room is full of large groups of families and friends, boisterously celebrant -- there's an incredibly loud asianstyle arrangement of happy birthday blaring soon after we're seated, which i say will be over in less than a minute, and it is -- but then they only turn the sound down slightly, and move on to blaring popmusic -- a couple of minutes later, when our server comes to take our order, j. complains to her, and the sound is down to moderate only thirty seconds after the server leaves -- a male staffer (the manager?) then appears to apologize to her -- well, at least that worked out better than at the thai restaurant some saturdays back see lj entry), but it's a perennial thing with j. that when she goes out she loges a complaint, sometimes early on -- and the music was actually crazily loud, this time -- control through complaint and criticism, as i talked about in connection with the car bumper --

o, the car bumper -- forgot about that, obviously trying to put it out of my mind --

j. did notice the garbagecan, swept down against the bumper in the earlymorning storm -- i mentioned to her that there was a mark on the car as we were going out with the dog, and she looked quickly and said she couldn't really see anything -- ok, that's good -- but later, when it was drier, and she took the car shopping, she came back to say she did see what i was talking about now, and that as with the front bumper marks she'd made and touched up in july, she would take the paint she got from the car supply place and touch this up too -- and that's the last i heard of it (maybe i'll mention it again sometime; as i finalize this entry the second week in december, she still hasn't gotten to that, or mentioned it again) --

at the japanese place, a knockoff of my shop assignment place, j. compares service and dishes to the assignment place we've been too still quite recently -- she makes it as if it's almost an assignment, which only brings to my mind how happy i am not to be having to worry about names, descriptions, service timings, and so many zillions of other little details --

it's an ok place -- she gets an appetizer; i get a regular sushi combo, under fifteen bucks, and she gets shrimp teriyaki, about fifteen --

home -- j. in front of tv, g. in front of compmonitor -- for example, i'm on i.m. from 745-845 -- a few minutes in, it seems a.'s mood is lower than it was a little over two hours ago --

A (10/28/2006 7:48:55 PM): may try to read some more
A (10/28/2006 7:49:21 PM): but it is hard to focus
G (10/28/2006 7:49:22 PM): how are you coming on [reading] it?
G (10/28/2006 7:49:30 PM): why is focus an issue?
A (10/28/2006 7:50:22 PM): i don't know why but when i read my mind wanders, when i sit at the computer i zone, when i watch tv i sortof drift off somewhere
A (10/28/2006 7:50:35 PM): i've read the first 20 pages
G (10/28/2006 7:50:37 PM): it's that pill? still trying to get used to it?
A (10/28/2006 7:50:56 PM): if it is the pill this is a new side effect
A (10/28/2006 7:51:02 PM): so i'm not really sure
G (10/28/2006 7:51:53 PM): me neither
G (10/28/2006 7:52:00 PM): but you didnt used to zone
G (10/28/2006 7:52:02 PM): right?
A (10/28/2006 7:53:00 PM): oh, there were times i would zone out, and i've experienced times when it is hard to focus before, but i'll pay attention and see
G (10/28/2006 7:53:08 PM): ok
G (10/28/2006 7:53:32 PM): you sounded better two hours ago?
A (10/28/2006 7:54:13 PM): i did?
A (10/28/2006 7:54:21 PM): i think maybe i felt better two hours ago
G (10/28/2006 7:54:25 PM): maybe, harder to be sure just from im
G (10/28/2006 7:54:37 PM): well, then my impression is probably right :-)
A (10/28/2006 7:54:37 PM): night is hard for me
G (10/28/2006 7:54:39 PM): right
G (10/28/2006 7:54:44 PM): how come?
A (10/28/2006 7:54:45 PM): please don't ask me to explain
G (10/28/2006 7:54:52 PM): well
G (10/28/2006 7:54:58 PM): then forget that
A (10/28/2006 7:56:05 PM): you signed out?
A (10/28/2006 7:56:09 PM): yahoo crash?
G (10/28/2006 7:57:42 PM): so what would you prefer to talk about? -- i guess yahoo must have logged me off, i didnt know anything was wrong till i got your offline msgs
G (10/28/2006 7:58:29 PM): are you online or offline?
A (10/28/2006 7:58:49 PM): i'm online
G (10/28/2006 7:58:53 PM): ok
G (10/28/2006 7:59:22 PM): what do you want to talk about, leaving behind a topic you raised but then said let's not talk about it?
A (10/28/2006 8:01:37 PM): well, i thought it was fair enough to say one piece of what could possibly be bothering me, but i also know that i don't really want to analyze it - i thought it was better to say some than none, yes?
A (10/28/2006 8:01:37 PM): and the wind through the windows kept sucking the front door and it would seem like it was opening and that freaked me the fuck out
A (10/28/2006 8:01:37 PM): even once i realized what it was - it still made me jump
A (10/28/2006 8:01:38 PM): so i lowered the windows
G (10/28/2006 8:02:01 PM): ok, there ya go
G (10/28/2006 8:02:12 PM): problemsolving
A (10/28/2006 8:03:28 PM): i like that positive spin
G (10/28/2006 8:03:48 PM): it sounded like things had turned upward by the end of that account
G (10/28/2006 8:03:53 PM): or was i wrong
A (10/28/2006 8:04:46 PM): well, i guess so
G (10/28/2006 8:04:59 PM): you guess i was wrong, ok
A (10/28/2006 8:05:23 PM): no, i guess it took a bit of a positive turn
G (10/28/2006 8:05:34 PM): i know, i am fucking around
A (10/28/2006 8:05:49 PM): oh, sorry
G (10/28/2006 8:05:55 PM): no need to be sorry
G (10/28/2006 8:05:59 PM): i was teasing
G (10/28/2006 8:06:52 PM): you are in a terrible mood
A (10/28/2006 8:07:01 PM): i am?
A (10/28/2006 8:07:09 PM): i don't mean to be
G (10/28/2006 8:07:11 PM): i dunno, read it back
G (10/28/2006 8:07:18 PM): you dont have to mean to be
A (10/28/2006 8:07:42 PM): no, i realised when i didn't get that you were teasing i was in some weird mode
G (10/28/2006 8:07:52 PM): weird how?
A (10/28/2006 8:09:53 PM): i feel a little flat, but not exactly, and a little detached, but again, not exactly
G (10/28/2006 8:10:16 PM): you figure it's the pill transition?
G (10/28/2006 8:10:20 PM): or what?
A (10/28/2006 8:10:48 PM): see, you keep asking hard questions
A (10/28/2006 8:11:11 PM): it could be the pill, it could just be how i'm feeling, probably some combination of both
G (10/28/2006 8:11:13 PM): umm, pick a topic you can handle
A (10/28/2006 8:11:33 PM): i'm answering
A (10/28/2006 8:11:45 PM): and handling
G (10/28/2006 8:11:50 PM): k
A (10/28/2006 8:11:51 PM): don't you think?
G (10/28/2006 8:11:54 PM): yes
G (10/28/2006 8:13:11 PM): i'm afraid i can't do that, dave
G (10/28/2006 8:13:13 PM): :-P
A (10/28/2006 8:13:23 PM): i gotta go brush my teeth - WHAT?
A (10/28/2006 8:13:31 PM): brb
G (10/28/2006 8:13:33 PM): k
A (10/28/2006 8:16:53 PM): what did "i'm afraid i can't do that, dave" mean?
G (10/28/2006 8:19:27 PM): it's a famous quote, you could google it i bet
G (10/28/2006 8:20:09 PM): uh oh she decided to
G (10/28/2006 8:20:11 PM): O:-)
G (10/28/2006 8:20:34 PM): ut oh
A (10/28/2006 8:21:05 PM): a space odyssey
G (10/28/2006 8:21:36 PM): are you asking me or telling me?
G (10/28/2006 8:21:38 PM): :-P
A (10/28/2006 8:22:43 PM): i found it, goofy
G (10/28/2006 8:22:48 PM): ok vg
A (10/28/2006 8:23:12 PM): never saw the movie
G (10/28/2006 8:23:24 PM): you are not going to refuse to open the pod bay doors, right?
A (10/28/2006 8:23:25 PM): but apparently even the care bears used the line
A (10/28/2006 8:23:48 PM): you never know, i might
G (10/28/2006 8:23:55 PM): we'll see
G (10/28/2006 8:24:39 PM): well, it's 830, what's on the evening's agenda after you get bored with zoning out?
A (10/28/2006 8:25:32 PM): oh
A (10/28/2006 8:25:38 PM): there i go again
G (10/28/2006 8:25:48 PM): ut oh
A (10/28/2006 8:25:50 PM): except i had turned on top chef

we then talk for another twenty minutes about tale of two cities, the 1930s movie version of it she's bought, conrad's heart of darkness, and then she starts to zone again, then says her legs are falling asleep and she needs to trade the compchair for the couch --

i fall asleep by mistake w/o calling her back --
linkpost comment

work over for this week, thankfully [Oct. 27th, 2006|12:16 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |angryalienated]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, theme from "The Office" (original BBC version)]

[note: the theme from the original, british version of "the office" is "handbags & gladrags," written by mike d'abo...]

***

first frost i've spotted since early spring, here on the windy slope just past the first main road on the dogwalk up -- and thereafter a fair deal of frost, here and there, most of the way up the hill to the mainstreet where the starbucks is -- i've always felt this route is kind of a windtunnel, northsouth, with rows of oldish houses and oldish trees on both sides of the way -- especially noticeable on hilly days andor with strong and gusty winds -- there was no frost along the radiology place's lawn, just prior to the first main road: maybe owing to the autosprinklers -- but i know from hearing forecasts last night and reports this morning, it was never below 38-40 overnight -- how does frost work above 32? or are there little microclimates here and there, despite the nominal ambient airtemp at reporting centers throughout the region as a whole --

what to reply re pink message slip is on my mind this earlymorning, partly obscured at times by morningstuff, but partly nagging at me, particularly as i drive up to the office --

options:

1. worst case scenario (for my immediate practical needs): if, as seems possible, this was engineered to get rid of me because they flatout feel they no longer need me, then what i write doesn't matter anyhow -- so calling them on it directly or being nice: none of that makes any difference anyway -- the issue then would be, what will you be happy with yourself for having done? fawning pointlessly, and being nice as you always are, on the off chance of getting something? or being directly critical and giving them more delusory selfjustification for doing what they think is in their selfinterest? but what difference does this last point make as a consideration? after all, selfservers are never at a loss for more than sufficient selfjustification...

2. best case scenario (for my immediate practical needs): if there really is no negative intent there at all, just write and ask what's available at this point and don't get involved at all in what their agendas may be or how they handled this

3. something in between: not utterly supine and niceynicey, but not something directly critical either

2 and 3 seem most attractive --

but i don't know that total niceness has ever worked, because the stolidity factor and the take-care-of-number-one factor have always meant that niceness is construed as lack of any negative component from me -- as me being in accordance with whatever's done, "he's okay with it" -- i recall in early 05, when they dropped the ball and did not process my third class properly, the honors one, i ended up missing a third of my paycheck for virtually half the semester -- i emailed this very same administrator about it, when i first realized the problem a couple of weeks into the tern, and she never emailed back -- a couple of weeks later, when i spotted and pursued her in the stairwell down from the third floor of the new building, i said, o so nicely (j. had been giving me a hard time about how they treated me and how i handled it), "i guess it fell through the cracks" -- and all she did was shake her head yes and say "that's right, it fell through the cracks" -- no apology, no specific explanation (how could they be having a class taught and have no one getting paid for it? what shape could their assignment and payroll system be in? or maybe payroll reconciliation and recordkeeping are done on little pink slips of paper by someone sitting with a quill pen at bob cratchit's accounts table) -- and no special expedited makeup check, which is what any normal employer, academic or otherwise, would do -- after it was all over, and i'd gotten the back salary down in the middle of the semester, i emailed payroll in a happy constructive tone, pointing out that, as j. knows from her own work and had mentioned to me, there is plenty of commercial software that keeps things like this from happening -- and they never emailed back either --

a typical scenario here, in my experience -- that's what i mean by stolid --

so i am tempted by option 3, especially given that the pink message slip was seemingly designed to put me in the wrong and unassign me --

here's what i ended up sending at :57, within half an hour of arriving in the midhall comproom -- not overtly polemical, but not supine either -- we'll see if there's any reply or not, and if so what --

Subject: spring 07 schedule

Hi, Ms. [administrator lady] --

I just saw your mid-month pink phoneslip message about assigning spring
2007 classes.

I'm not on the third floor of DaSilva more often than every week or two,
because I don't have anywhere to work there, and my mailbox there
collects mainly generic memos about university events, nothing directed
to me personally. I usually find a quiet place to prep before and
between classes in the library or somewhere in [old building x] or [old building y].

Sorry you were not able to get in touch with me within 48 hours, as
specified on your message slip. There are so many ways students and
colleagues get in touch with me now -- email, several different instant
messaging systems, websites, my cellphone. I know the [dept.] chair and
[dour middleaged catholiclady secretary who took the phone message]
both have this email address, as recently as late August; it's the only
email address I've used in connection with SJU since 2004, and SJU
faculty colleagues regularly get in touch with me here without delays
to schedule meetings and the like. I recall giving you my cell number
last time we met. Obsolescent technologies such as landline phone
have passed out of use for me, and old-time paper phone message slips
seem to be edging in that direction as well. I suppose that only makes
sense given the university's promotion of itself as cutting-edge in
terms of electronic academic activity.

Let me know how things stand with regard to assigning spring classes. My
experience here since 2001 is that my assignments usually change, often
several times, between initial plans and final reality, so my sense is
that scheduling matters here are never carved in stone.

Regards as ever, [firstname lastname]

"carved in stone" was a phrase i used with her several times about class assignments, back in 2002-04, after first realizing in spring 2002 that my appointments constantly changed between what she offered me and what eventually happened in reality -- i would ask her "so are these carved in stone?" and she would reply, "o yes, definitely" -- and after a couple of semesters when that didn't prove to be true, i plain stopped asking her for confirmation or using that wording -- whether or not she pays enough attention or has enough of a memory to place the allusion is another matter entirely -- like i said, stolid --

and if she's gonna be so stolidly oldfashioned, i'm gonna point out that that's why she didn't get in touch with me as quickly as she mandated -- leaving aside the issue that her message may have been intended to be delivered in a way that it would not be gotten back to in under 48 hours anyway --

i'll give her awhile to reply (not holding my breath), and then will consider whether to email the chair, who may be behind this anyhow -- since about 2003 he has decided on assignments, and she does the bureaucracy, so rather than the chair just emailing me with assignment queries, assignments go through the chair to the administrator then via frumpy old blackplastic phones to the department secretary for condensation onto a message slip to be nestled (ok, jammed in) among my collection of curledup generic memos -- yep, a cuttingedge electronic university alright -- as an old rap song put it, "don't believe the hype" --

morningclass: peter walsh's backstory and current life situation: wants to get married, move back to england, maybe some of his and clarissa's connection will help; septimus's backstory and current life situation: maybe a better bigshot mental doctor will help -- in subjective novels, which became so prominent early in the 20C under the subsequent label Modernism, immediate thought and experience always comes first, and backstory, or objective reality, or the overall big picture, only come out later on --

interclass hourplus -- while i was afk for class t. replies (11:05am) to my recent 'how are you plus checking up on e-teaching' email -- here's my interclass reply, 12:29, written in ten or fifteen minutes immediately after class -- if this works out, i wouldn't have a frictional income issue anyhow, even if i don't end up with anything here -- but i'm asking t. to do a favor, so i try to sound cheery and constructive, rather than pushy and whiny, which one part of my mind could easily go for at this point --

Subject: Re: hi

Dear Greg,

Nice to hear from you, as always. How can it have been ten days already?
How'd that happen?

g: ummm, maybe time flies when you're having either fun, or nonfun???
(add your own emoticon here) --



I've sworn off participating in the current "I'm been
sooo busy" mantra, but time does seem nevertheless to be going be awfully
fast these days. Reminded my students last night that we've only four and
half weeks until Fall break and then only about ten [days, not weeks?] afterward, which seems
altogether impossible. Classes seem tobe going well and am doing a bit of my
won werk to boot and so maybe time's flying because I'm having sooo much fun? Well, things are ok, but I fear that's not it.

g: yep, i am in the middle of both courses (item 9 of 18 in one; passing
past the middle today of the third of five items in the other) -- only
seven weeks, if that, till classes end --


I'm sorry that you've not heard back from [my boss] yet, or HR if that's how he
deals with these things. I think you're right not to worry, but let me
follow up today to make sure that my mail didn't go astray or some such.

g: np, that's probably just as well --


[i've trimmed his para. about his mom and her new bf, and my reply; not closely enough relevant to me]


This weekend I have mostly to finish grading two sets of [major university] midterms
and [e-teaching] final projects, and so seems over already before it's even begun.
I might in NB [new brunswick] on Wednesday or Friday, in which it might be convenient for
you to meet for a late lunch early dinner.

g: the coming week, weds or fri would be fine for me; no difference
between the two as far as i can tell from the current vantage point --
so i'd say pick 'em, and if some problem issue comes up for me re weds
or fri i'll email you about it -- probably not, though --


The following weekend I'm in Buffalo, but the weekend after that I'm free. Let's try
to get together next week. Do you have a preference?

g: as far as i can tell, that weekend would work for me also -- fyi, my
parents have sold their place on lake huron in michigan, and in nov will
be moving in to a place in maryland near one of my brothers (baltimore)
and not too far from my youngest sister and her husband/kids
(alexandria), so at some point they will ask me down for a weekend or
two, but i'd expect that'll be more like late nov or dec -- they
technically take occupancy 1 nov., but are having spruceups done
starting 1 nov., so they may not actually move from hotel to their new
place till after mid-nov -- hence, some time past midmonth is when i'd
expect something weekend-killing to happen on that front --



Hope you're well. t.

g: can't complain too much -- you know: breathe in, breathe out --

bfn


afternoonclass: i see several students that i usually don't see, who are just there to leave off midterm essays early, i.e., on the nominal date given in the syllabus (i'd pushed the deadline back a week in class and in emails to the couse website, to make sure we've at least covered past 9-10 before the due date, but bet these disengaged nonattenders aren't aware of any of that) -- i'm feeling kind of yucky, and i'm basically on schedule for this book and class -- and, i canceled morning class but not afternoon a few sessions back -- ok, so i cancel this one with a note on the board -- i'll start with ep. 10 on monday --

and i've agreed to meet k. after work, so after checking email after class for a possible waveoff, and typing till 235ish so i don't get there before she's expecting me, i drive out to the mall -- crappy traffic at the bottom of the steep hill onto the main road (we're very near highway access; it often gets jammed up around here, which is one of several reasons why i go to and from school down the untrafficked back side of the hill) -- and then, a couple of miles further on, more bad traffic by a school, in process of letting out, complete with reflectivevested crossing guard -- and then again, by that extremely short green turnarrow left -- and then, yet again, snaking along the narrow road past the golfcourse toward the righthand turn to the mall --

so all in all i don't get to the mall till 305, rather than the 245-300 i'd planned and promised -- maybe six miles (didn't odometer it) in half an hour -- might as well be in brooklyn or manhattan -- it hasn't been this congested on similar 2-3pm trips out here before -- there's going to be a big storm tomorrow, it's been getting hyped on the radio since yesterday -- so possibly some people are doing saturday shopping on friday, during and after the great 'suv kid pickup program' that constitutes the main end day rush hour hereabouts -- it clouded over around two, i think i noticed -- or then again, perhaps my 235 departure, rather than 220-225 as on prior trips out here, makes just enough difference for me to start hitting, rather than just missing, the schoolending rush hour --

at the mall, finally, i park by an entrance that, in over twentyfive years of coming to this mall, i've never used, though the usual way j. and i would come into this mall would be by parking on the next side over of this exact same anchor store, and in through the entrance on that side -- small world --

and, now that i know her job, i need to wonder and worry a bit about running into j's mom's homecare attendant, who works part time here, in this exact same store, in security or loss prevention or inventory, something like that -- i don't know her hours, but on a quick walk through the store and then back to the counter that k. covers, i don't spot her at all -- ok, wtf -- i suspect this store has a lot of unusual schedule employees to meet their needs and avoid paying overtime (k.'s mentioned that they do not pay overtime, only comp time later on when things are slower) --

k. is looking better; good for her -- i always told her she had other work options than the barbershop with the thieving relatives of the owner and all the infighting -- one of the first times i saw her here she had a pilled sweater, technically meeting the allblack uniform requirements, so i wondered how well she would dress for a middleclass store, given the sweats and teeshirts and frayedjeans mode that seems to be universal among lowermiddle and working class folks hereabouts, and which is her usual casualwear mode -- didn't want to comment, thought that would be mean and would be taken badly -- figured maybe a fellow employee or supervisor would say something, or she'd figure it out herself by comparative observation -- i don't know which of those options is reality, but she's definitely looking more spruced up than last time -- i don't know if it's new clothing; they do get a small employee discount here, but i know she's trying to use this income for household expenses, not for new purchases -- i may have mentioned her that her husband drives a small paratransit bus that picks up and drops off eligible people around the nyc area; he's been doing that since the cardboard factory closed in which he worked in brooklyn for over ten years --

so i tell her she looks good -- when i express concern, she says it's ok for me to hang around and chat a bit, and as i do, with my general nervous energy and constructiveness, i also pick up bits of litter from her area and chuck them in the wastebasket -- she says there's a nightcrew that does that, but there are times where she has to talk with customers who have questions about the jackets and pants and such in her area, and i try to make up for being there while she's working by cleaning up a bit -- her fellowemployees are at their stations, mostly out of sight, further on in each direction --

she folds and straightens customermussed stacks of sweaters and pants in 'her area' (a certain wellknown designer label, with large overhead logo sign for proof) -- her far younger coworker today, midtwenties, married to a cop, comes and teases us about being fiances or something, ha ha ha -- my guess would be k. brags to female coworkers about having a bf, or bf's, when i'm not there, which is 99.99% of the time --

she also gets a fifteen-minute break, so she comes out and sits in the car for a bit before heading back to her station again -- meanwhile, we are catching up some on news, just what we'd do in the car by the ballfields -- and since she's at work i can leave any time and head straight home (rather than dropping her off by her place) -- so this is ok for now, and i can do it after work, rather than making a whole separate trip from home and back on one of my open days --

ironic, that she's moving up somewhat, while i'm having a struggle right now -- well, things could work out anyhow, no need to freak yet; wait and see if you get some response, and if so what -- then brainstorm what to do --

she thanks me for being sweet and coming, then prints out at her register, on receipt paper, her schedule for the next two weeks -- she wasn't sure what it was herself -- she works eighthour shifts that stop and start any time from early morning to late evening, with a onehour mealtime in the middle somewhere -- well, i'd be better off with her hours cut and pasted into an email -- this has her company and hours and name right on it -- and j. found out her last name from something in that big box of stuff she looked through the sunday i was gone -- but k. enjoyed giving me her schedule, so i'll decide whether to chuck it or not later -- i leave about 345 --

to my usual bankbanch: 30 out in cash, 16:09, i owe 148.28 in overdraft, will pay it back when my d/d comes through in a few days -- i was virtually out of walkingaround money, 30 will hold me awhile, unless something comes up --

then to the keyfood, mecca of degustation -- two weeklyspecial 99cent cauliflowers; reduced for quick sale mushrooms for se in caul. sauce, .39; half an about-to-oversoften honeydew, seated carefully on the usually unused edge of the vegetable cooler display .39; halfprice progresso soup weekly special: two steak and mushrooms, two steak and noodles, and two 50%lowersodium chicken noodle, total 8.07 (buy one get one free, limit six); total 10.83, paid with a ten and a one, 04:23pm -- woo, up to 157 points, needing 300 -- wonder what'll happen with that --

i knew i had orangey cheese and some milk, and assumed correctly that i had cornstarch and dried mustard, so with the caul and mushrooms from the store i will be able to steam the caul and make a cheddar and mushroom flavored white sauce to pour over it, a simplified version of an old joy of cooking recipe (it's not in recent editions any more) that in the late 80s or early 90s i started making on major holidays with some frequency -- i'm not that bad at making a white sauce, and particularly this variant, even know how to save it if things go wrong or i slip up on something (for example, when the cornstarch doesn't want to blend into the milk early on, or i forget it and let it burn a bit somewhere along the line rather than totally stirring constantly) -- but before i start, better check with a., she may be home by now --

G (10/27/2006 4:56:07 PM): k, i don't think busy was what your message said this morning, so maybe you're home, this is just to let you know i'm home now too and am around when you're around...
A (10/27/2006 4:56:56 PM): hello
G (10/27/2006 4:57:02 PM): hi
A (10/27/2006 4:57:19 PM): i just changed it to around about 5 seconds ago - had put it on busy while i entered some data for AVID
G (10/27/2006 4:57:25 PM): k
A (10/27/2006 4:57:37 PM): how are you, how was your day?
G (10/27/2006 4:57:50 PM): it was not too bad
G (10/27/2006 4:58:05 PM): tired, but in for the night, should be really rainy tomorrow, yes?
A (10/27/2006 4:58:13 PM): i think so
A (10/27/2006 4:58:27 PM): which is a perfect day to stay inside
A (10/27/2006 4:58:38 PM): flood watch in effect weather channel says
G (10/27/2006 4:58:55 PM): yep
G (10/27/2006 4:58:58 PM): right
G (10/27/2006 4:59:04 PM): your therapy is sunday?
A (10/27/2006 4:59:19 PM): yes
A (10/27/2006 4:59:24 PM): so i can avoid the deluge
G (10/27/2006 4:59:27 PM): right
G (10/27/2006 4:59:35 PM): so you have everything you need at home?
A (10/27/2006 4:59:45 PM): i could use some food in the house
A (10/27/2006 4:59:53 PM): but i can either make do
A (10/27/2006 5:00:00 PM): or make the delivery guy go out in the rain
G (10/27/2006 5:00:02 PM): o0r order in
G (10/27/2006 5:00:04 PM): uhhuh
G (10/27/2006 5:00:22 PM): so how about your day?
G (10/27/2006 5:00:44 PM): are you feeling avid? [a pun based on something jobrelated on her end]
G (10/27/2006 5:00:47 PM): :-P
A (10/27/2006 5:01:02 PM): am i feeling avid?
A (10/27/2006 5:01:07 PM): not terribly!
A (10/27/2006 5:01:13 PM): i'm feeling a bit tired
G (10/27/2006 5:01:14 PM): o well
G (10/27/2006 5:01:24 PM): so then what, rest and so on
A (10/27/2006 5:01:31 PM): i'm just sooooooooo glad it is the weekend
G (10/27/2006 5:01:35 PM): right
A (10/27/2006 5:01:36 PM): thrilled it is the weekend
G (10/27/2006 5:01:42 PM): any more upshot from gang thing weds?
A (10/27/2006 5:01:50 PM): no
A (10/27/2006 5:01:59 PM): the class and i talked about it a bit today
G (10/27/2006 5:02:03 PM): on some things no news really is good news
G (10/27/2006 5:02:08 PM): what came up?
A (10/27/2006 5:02:21 PM): well, i let them share stories of bad things that have happened
A (10/27/2006 5:02:32 PM): and we talked about how that isn't everyone's reality
A (10/27/2006 5:02:46 PM): and that one way to get out of that reality is through education
G (10/27/2006 5:02:51 PM): ah right
G (10/27/2006 5:03:04 PM): and what did they say?
A (10/27/2006 5:03:21 PM): they didn't say much in response to that - well, sortof
A (10/27/2006 5:03:31 PM): they began talking about the requirements to get into college
A (10/27/2006 5:03:40 PM): which implies a connection
G (10/27/2006 5:04:01 PM): right, they dont want to do sociology or philosophy, they want to know how to jump through hoops on a practical level in their own lives
A (10/27/2006 5:04:12 PM): which worked for me
G (10/27/2006 5:04:15 PM): right
A (10/27/2006 5:04:45 PM): and i recognise that sometimes small points are made and they hear even if you can't really tell it
G (10/27/2006 5:05:07 PM): sometimes when people agree with you they dont say yes, they just dont say no
G (10/27/2006 5:05:28 PM): though it can also work the other way around (just because they dont say no doesnt mean they agree)
A (10/27/2006 5:05:48 PM): true
G (10/27/2006 5:06:12 PM): but probably the leap to college requirements means they are skipping over the point, having accepted it, and are going on to the how to make it a practical reality, not a theory
A (10/27/2006 5:06:27 PM): right, that's what i was thinking
G (10/27/2006 5:06:31 PM): sounds like it
G (10/27/2006 5:06:42 PM): they usually like to disagree i bet
G (10/27/2006 5:06:47 PM): so they probably agreed
G (10/27/2006 5:06:57 PM): if they didnt say dissenty sounding things
G (10/27/2006 5:07:17 PM): well, so you were happy with all that
A (10/27/2006 5:07:40 PM): i hope they can begin to make the connection between daily work and the grades they need and knowledge they need to get into college
G (10/27/2006 5:07:46 PM): right
A (10/27/2006 5:07:46 PM): and yes, i was pleased with it
G (10/27/2006 5:08:06 PM): you have to show how the long term comes out of the sum total of a lot of short terms
A (10/27/2006 5:08:58 PM): well, the first six week grades just went out, so the timing is pretty good
G (10/27/2006 5:09:42 PM): yep
G (10/27/2006 5:09:45 PM): how are they doing
G (10/27/2006 5:10:01 PM): sorry, was accepting a 55dollar investment assignment due the 31st
A (10/27/2006 5:10:07 PM): no problem
G (10/27/2006 5:10:23 PM): so how are they doing so far?
A (10/27/2006 5:10:44 PM): not nearly as well as they should be
A (10/27/2006 5:10:56 PM): most of them have averages well below 85
A (10/27/2006 5:11:05 PM): lots of overall 70 or so averages
G (10/27/2006 5:11:35 PM): well, tell them what they are doing ok already (you can find something) and then emphasize what they need to do to be on college track
A (10/27/2006 5:11:47 PM): absolutely
G (10/27/2006 5:11:50 PM): right
A (10/27/2006 5:11:58 PM): and they keep improving little by little
G (10/27/2006 5:12:29 PM): yep, just keep nudging, you know how important that can be
A (10/27/2006 5:12:43 PM): right
G (10/27/2006 5:12:46 PM): yep
A (10/27/2006 5:12:51 PM): just have to be careful so it doesn't backfire
G (10/27/2006 5:13:03 PM): o now she is making points [about me prodding her on things]
A (10/27/2006 5:13:20 PM): tee hee hee
G (10/27/2006 5:13:22 PM): ha ha
G (10/27/2006 5:13:44 PM): so what *is* on the gustatory agenda for ce soir
A (10/27/2006 5:14:23 PM): i don't know - nothing in the house that i want
A (10/27/2006 5:14:32 PM): but not starving right now
G (10/27/2006 5:14:42 PM): well, the delivery guy wont get wet tonight
G (10/27/2006 5:14:57 PM): or there's the kf and meat barn, lines are long though i bet
A (10/27/2006 5:15:02 PM): i think there's a can of black beans in there
G (10/27/2006 5:15:06 PM): woohoo
A (10/27/2006 5:15:12 PM): that could become something
G (10/27/2006 5:15:40 PM): i saw a news article that rr is the highest rated new talk show?
G (10/27/2006 5:15:43 PM): i think
G (10/27/2006 5:15:54 PM): speaking of cookery
A (10/27/2006 5:16:29 PM): well, i only saw a few minutes of her show - but you know i love 30 minutes meals, even if i have defected
A (10/27/2006 5:16:50 PM): but the talk show was too ladies home journal for me
G (10/27/2006 5:17:05 PM): ooooo, you reject the lhj mode
G (10/27/2006 5:17:16 PM): not pervy enough for you i guess
G (10/27/2006 5:17:18 PM): :-P
A (10/27/2006 5:17:19 PM): i can't say i've never read it
A (10/27/2006 5:17:31 PM): but certainly not high on my pervometer
A (10/27/2006 5:17:36 PM): asshole
G (10/27/2006 5:17:37 PM): guess not
G (10/27/2006 5:17:39 PM): me?
A (10/27/2006 5:17:48 PM): "not pervy enough for you"
G (10/27/2006 5:18:15 PM): lhj, why would she like it? hmmmm, the epitome of boring socalled normalcy
G (10/27/2006 5:18:21 PM): not like it
G (10/27/2006 5:18:36 PM): i think i am a little tired, maybe in the fingers
A (10/27/2006 5:18:44 PM): not enough exercise
G (10/27/2006 5:18:57 PM): what is that supposed to mean?
A (10/27/2006 5:19:03 PM): your fingers
G (10/27/2006 5:19:08 PM): ditto
A (10/27/2006 5:19:27 PM): it was a pervy comment that clearly wasn't clear enough
G (10/27/2006 5:19:45 PM): it was too, i am just bugging you by putting you on the spot about spelling it out
A (10/27/2006 5:19:58 PM): oh!
A (10/27/2006 5:20:18 PM): and how well did you do?
G (10/27/2006 5:20:31 PM): at bugging you?
A (10/27/2006 5:20:38 PM): uh huh
G (10/27/2006 5:21:02 PM): pretty well, you got all insecure for no good reason about whether you'd expressed yourself adequately
A (10/27/2006 5:21:27 PM): that was insecure?
A (10/27/2006 5:21:31 PM): maybe so
G (10/27/2006 5:21:40 PM): your comment was pretty clear
G (10/27/2006 5:21:48 PM): if i didnt get it, it was my slip not yours
G (10/27/2006 5:22:05 PM): especially right after the pervy discussion
A (10/27/2006 5:22:35 PM): thankyou
G (10/27/2006 5:23:50 PM): any time
G (10/27/2006 5:24:10 PM): so you have opinions about my fingers?
G (10/27/2006 5:24:18 PM): obviously
A (10/27/2006 5:24:22 PM): ofcourse
G (10/27/2006 5:24:34 PM): and what are they?
A (10/27/2006 5:24:47 PM): i have answered this before!
A (10/27/2006 5:24:55 PM): oh jeez - there goes the music upstairs
G (10/27/2006 5:25:04 PM): ah ok, thought it was something new maybe
G (10/27/2006 5:25:52 PM): you love music
A (10/27/2006 5:26:06 PM): well, sometimes
A (10/27/2006 5:26:13 PM): they turned it down fortunately
A (10/27/2006 5:26:24 PM): oh, well, there it goes up again
G (10/27/2006 5:26:41 PM): they are indecisive
G (10/27/2006 5:27:18 PM): so you think my fingers are insufficiently exercised, is that what you said? i recall you talking about my fingers, but not about that exact point
A (10/27/2006 5:28:01 PM): well, now that i think about it - they may have had a little exercise - but yes, that is what my point was - that perhaps they had been neglected
G (10/27/2006 5:28:30 PM): so if you are so full of considered advice, what should i do about it?
A (10/27/2006 5:29:18 PM): perhaps i could be a workout partner one day
G (10/27/2006 5:29:27 PM): when would that be?
A (10/27/2006 5:29:52 PM): well, that's a whole other kettle of fish
A (10/27/2006 5:29:55 PM): that i don't know
G (10/27/2006 5:30:23 PM): well it would involve us being in the same location, so half the answer has to come from you
A (10/27/2006 5:31:21 PM): right - just don't know when a good time would be
G (10/27/2006 5:31:37 PM): what would be a good time for you?
A (10/27/2006 5:31:53 PM): i really don't know
A (10/27/2006 5:32:11 PM): i'm not sure about this weekend
A (10/27/2006 5:32:23 PM): because i just don't quite know myself yet what i want to do
A (10/27/2006 5:32:31 PM): and weeknights are dicey
G (10/27/2006 5:32:49 PM): well, let me know when you get a better idea, np
A (10/27/2006 5:33:10 PM): i can do that
G (10/27/2006 5:33:34 PM): k
A (10/27/2006 5:33:52 PM): i think i have to go to bed for a bit
G (10/27/2006 5:34:08 PM): k
G (10/27/2006 5:34:10 PM): ttyl
A (10/27/2006 5:34:33 PM): have a good night - ttyl
G (10/27/2006 5:40:19 PM): good night!!!!
G (10/27/2006 5:40:34 PM): you really Are tired
G (10/27/2006 5:40:38 PM): o well
G (10/27/2006 5:40:56 PM): ttyl, i was trying to schedule an assignment appointment for mon/tu with the target

yes, they've now asked me to do another investment person -- gotta get in touch and schedule with him; he was running out the door and said to call back monday --

wonder what gives with a.? -- asleep so early? long hard week, i guess --

and then the cauliflower and cheese sauce, a good lateautumn prestorm thing to have for dinner -- i made it many times on thanksgiving as a sidedish -- and fairly lowcarb, of course -- it's very hot when i first pour the cheese sauce over the steamed cauliflower in a large bowl, and i burn my tongue a bit on the first few attempts at bites -- discomfort from comfort food -- but after i forget it for twenty minutes or so and then remember it again, it's fine --

even j. has some, surprisingly, after arriving 700ish -- she usually turns her nose up at anything i've made, on the general assumption that it's been poorly or unsanitarily prepared, or won't taste right, basically can't be trusted -- 'if it was cooked right,' as her elderly aunt from the eastern shore of maryland used to say in the mid to late nineties, when asked her opinion about nearly any food -- and i started teasing j. about it being genetic -- but today when she gets home the huge bowl's still sitting, tepid, on the kitchen foodprep counter -- she takes some -- and i take some for myself too, and reheat it -- and after a second helping for each of us, it's gone --

she's also gotten me three medium teeshirts, onsale (a little over ten each? marked down from 16.50 each) -- brown blue and green -- from a short shopping stop in the gap in lower manhattan, on her way home from work -- in the course of some clothing discussion a few days back, i mentioned that all i have is oxford shirts, some newer and some older, and she hates the mary prankster teeshirt i have (my only tee, except for the jewish-chinese restaurant one from last month) -- several times recently i've been wearing the m.p. tee when j. arrived home and i wasn't able to change or throw a robe over it in time -- i've noticed that tees look a lot less wrinkly and frumpy on cam than an oxford shirt -- and j. likes buying clothes; i can be her ken doll, apparently -- after she insists i try them on for size and look, she calls me on acting as if i don't really care about them -- she's right, but i don't say why: that either of us doing things for one another at this point is sort of a contested issue --

j. watches her "men in trees" flirting show, and i'm in and out of the room --

A (10/27/2006 8:52:09 PM): i think i was asleep by the time you wrote those [540pm] messages!
A (10/27/2006 8:52:39 PM): i was waking up a bit, so i thought i'd get up for a few
G (10/27/2006 10:05:22 PM): hi
G (10/27/2006 10:05:27 PM): back asleep yet?
G (10/27/2006 10:05:31 PM): :-P
G (10/27/2006 10:09:43 PM): ok, i'll call in a few
A (10/27/2006 10:13:48 PM): hi, i'm still awake
A (10/27/2006 10:13:50 PM): :-)
A (10/27/2006 10:18:05 PM): ttys
G (10/27/2006 10:19:05 PM): ok, about to call, 2 mins

1025, 20 min call to a -- then to sleep myself, with the storm approaching --
linkpost comment

you've got treewear mail [Oct. 26th, 2006|12:14 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |bitchybitchy]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |Huey Lewis and the News, "Workin for a Livin"]

i awaken at 4am -- someone on aac had mentioned, yesterday late afternoon, that sirius radio was doing a streaming twoday free sample, including the stern show in constant repeat ever since the live version began yesterday morning at 6 -- so after looking around at what kind of stuff they have on their hundredplus channels, i was listening, out of sequence, to bits of the prior morning's stern show, at various points from late afternoon till late night lastnight -- i was wondering how it would be different without the fcc -- not much, just the swearwords left in -- i haven't listened to it since 96, though i did listen fairly frequently, if in spurts, from summer of 84 (wnbc am only, then, back even before the philly simulcast began), on through 96 --

in some ways i learned how to talk in front of and relate to people from listening to various kinds of talkradio in the mid 80s, before i started teaching in mid 86 -- i'd listen to talk radio and see (sic...) what i thought did and didn't work, what i did and didn't like, and what i did and didn't like for me --

having fallen asleep with it on last night, i awaken at 4am, hearing the last repeat of yesterday's show, a part i hadn't been there for a repeat of last night -- and at 6am today's show starts in live -- but i can listen to it later -- up, and turn off the speakers to avoid j. queries if she comes down while i'm in the shower --

when i pull the showercurtain back from where it's adhered to the wall at the front end of the stall, so i can reach in and down and start the water, crackling green minisparks of static electricity -- you never see that in summertime, would have to be up well before four a.m. -- but now past six it's still pitchblack -- even at this season, you only see the sparks if you've restrained yourself from turning on any light at all since you've gotten up -- even a moment's indirect electric light, or the glow of a compmonitor, will retune your visual attunement to where you can only see lights brighter than the upper threshold of the green minisparks --

i recall seeing them back in the late eighties, when i used to rise before dawn to catch the express bus in to manhattan for an 815 or so composition class at john jay, back when i was an ABD gradstudent, 86-89 -- and then, after showering in the dark, bluewhite minisparks under each pit as you roll on deodorant: yup, there that is, too -- perceptible predawn energy, missed by the more coarsely functional eyes of high day -- (i've always done this, showered in the dark, especially early in the morning when darkness allows me to pretend i'm still resting, sort of; and why not in the dark? i know where the parts all are, and what to do: soap and rinse and shave and all...) --

j's up 635, says we can leave by 720 in stillgrey early morning, she'll keep the car in the morning, then leave it off when she's done for me to drive home in the afternoon -- she has momrelated errands to do in the morning -- ok --

missed a. again on the phone last night by falling asleep, and meanwhile i know that workstuff and lifestuff are bugging her, and newpill is a struggle -- so, before j. can get up and come down, i place a two-minute phonecall to a. at 628am, figuring she'll be up by now, odds of annoying sleepinterruption minimal -- she's clearly cheered by the call, even just on the practical level that she had not gotten up when her 6am alarm had gone off, and was still dozing when i called, needed the bump -- soon after, we also talk a tad on i.m. too -- notice, per i.m. discussion last night, that after her initial emoticon, here, no more at all -- i toss one in at the end, so i don't seem like i'm making an issue of it during the conversation --

A (10/26/2006 6:39:26 AM): good morning
G (10/26/2006 6:39:31 AM): hi
A (10/26/2006 6:39:44 AM): so, you fell asleep at the computer? :-)
G (10/26/2006 6:40:52 AM): no, i was fine till after 1015, i just laid down on the bed by the phone and waited a few minutes to make sure it was quiet, fell right asleep while waiting, wasn't at comp after i got off im with you
G (10/26/2006 6:41:34 AM): anyway, you are up and showered now
A (10/26/2006 6:41:40 AM): i am
G (10/26/2006 6:41:48 AM): there you go
A (10/26/2006 6:42:18 AM): i'll be at school until 8:30 [for parent-teacher night]
A (10/26/2006 6:42:45 AM): not too thrilled about being there until that late - i'll try to walk with someone to the train
G (10/26/2006 6:43:02 AM): well, there should be people to do that with, yes?
A (10/26/2006 6:43:10 AM): there should be, yes
G (10/26/2006 6:43:21 AM): k
A (10/26/2006 6:43:31 AM): what's your day like? schoolwork, papers, computer, that sort?
G (10/26/2006 6:44:27 AM): well, she is home to do stuff for her mother this morning, she'll drop me at school and then leave the car there at midday for me to drive home, then go into work in the afternoon, so i should be in the office in the morning, home by some time in afternoon
G (10/26/2006 6:44:46 AM): i'll get left at school 8ish
A (10/26/2006 6:45:06 AM): that sounds like a plan
G (10/26/2006 6:45:38 AM): yep
A (10/26/2006 6:45:39 AM): so, you are getting ready - and there's still a dogwalk in your future?
G (10/26/2006 6:45:54 AM): she isnt up yet called her 630
G (10/26/2006 6:46:00 AM): but yes
G (10/26/2006 6:46:26 AM): dogwalk 720 or a bit later
A (10/26/2006 6:46:55 AM): i've got to find something to wear - oh, the joy
A (10/26/2006 6:47:05 AM): enjoy your morning
G (10/26/2006 6:47:05 AM): sounds fun, you enjoy that usually
G (10/26/2006 6:47:08 AM): yep
G (10/26/2006 6:47:12 AM): ok, ttyl
A (10/26/2006 6:47:21 AM): ciao
G (10/26/2006 6:47:24 AM): :-)

today, the wayup dogwalk is obviously creation: there's a new building been going up across the street from the house where the movie was made a year ago august -- wonder if it'll be any good, look any good -- they try, sometimes anyway, the builders i mean, to build something nice, just in their own selfinterest (seels easier, maybe for a marginally better price) -- but sometimes you just can't make an early-21st century building fit in that well among early 20th-century buildings in any viable way, and the last thing you find out on these teardowns and rebuilds is how the final product will look, when the exterior and landscaping are finally in place -- still, two sidebyside dwellings stand on the lot now, where for most of the last century one formerly stood --

and, four doors further along, past the next cross street, j. admires aloud, and not for the first time, the more oldtimey halloween decorations that have been arranged in the yard of the stucco house two lots before the cvs up at the main road -- there's an upright piano (or at least its case) on the porch, with a skeleton seemingly pounding away at the ivories, as well as a selection of not entirely unrealisticlooking fake comedic tombstones in the yard, I. M. DEAD and the like -- this, in contrast to the house where the film was made in the summer of 05, four doors back, where... well, the last in a row of four vehicles (three of them suv's or vans) blocks the walkway most mornings because the parkers can't be bothered to pull them forward another two feet each (there's room), the porch always has jumbles of tennis shoes lying about on bottoms and sides in an irregular arc around the door (rio linda meets suburbia), and the yard was resodded this year despite not really needing it or looking all that great afterwards -- and on this brandnew lawn now stand a row of three eight to ten foot tall blowup cartoony halloween figures, vinyl andor plastic, kept inflated by a small motor that, whenever you pass, is emitting a loud continuous hum -- one, for example, is a comic count dracula type with a coffin floating next to him, jostling in any breath of wind -- j hates that yard, and has said so multiple times on dogwalks ever since people started putting up halloweeny stuff the first and second week in the month -- and i can't say these kidtheme blowup dolls are marvy either, but money and taste do not run 100% parallel; money expresses itself in whatever taste one happens to have at the moment of the purchase, duh: economic subjectivity -- the subjectivity of taste, the subjectivity of value and money -- but j. likes the stucco house's creativity --

and this is the third time sb is giving away prepared quarters of their little egg mcmuffin knockoffs (saturday and monday were the prior dates, i think) -- dog's happy -- i figure there's not enough carb in these weensy slivers to cause me an issue, when i haven't had anything with any carb, to speak of, since last night --

since he's gone numbers one and two on the way up, we head straight back with him the way i came --

and, slightly weirdly, wayhome dogwalk is just as obviously destruction: on the mainstreetfacing side of an electrical pole at the far end of the stuccohouse lot there's been a vine growing a good six or seven feet tall from a minuscule patch of dirt -- starting as a single stalk close to half an inch across, it branches into several smaller stalks that stand by the pole and add some organic green to the dead and oily polewood -- and on the way home, it is hard to miss that someone (teen? youngadult?) has grabbed the vine halfway up the stalk, just below where the leaves begin, bending and twisting it till it snapped -- it now droops, damaged if not dead -- gee, hope he enjoyed doing that -- the next day, someone (stuccohouse owner?) will have snipped the broken part off -- as of the time i am finalizing and opening this entry the second week of december, it still shows zero sign of life -- just a dead branch forking once, with both forks snipped off near the y joint --

and, four doors further along, past the next cross street, just the other side of cheesy 'countchocula' lawn, i notice something that, nose in the paper, i didn't spot on the way up (i usually finish the paper in front of the sb while standing with the dog, then hand it to j for her to read on the way to work) -- in grading the land in front of the houses abuilding across the narrow road, the heavy steel cleats of some sort of tractor or grader or the like have left rows of dents and scrapes in the roadbed, chipping the old slate curbing a good deal, marking up the aged vintage sidewalk (probably forty or fifty years old), and even gouging into the upslope minihillside of the lawnverge (on this side of the street the main body of the lawn is a foot or two above sidewalk level) --

and beyond, i mentally tie in to all this the creation of a new business and the destruction of the gutter and sidewalk litter that its windshield flyers have now become (see yesterday's entry) -- jot a few notes about all this on a torn, pocketsized quarter of an eight-and-a-half-by-eleven sheet; stick it in lj later on --

j. drops me off at the office, 755, first time i've been here before eight in weeks -- so while we're approaching campus i ask her to let me off by the new building, so i can check my physical mailbox for the first time in several weeks -- it's always memos not directed to and usually having nothing at all to do with me, plus a mixture of textbook sellers and professional book sellers letting me know of their wares and offers -- i grab the pile and stuff if into my blackbag, where it pokes messily out the top but holds fairly solidly as i walk back across campus and on into my morning quietroom --

as a record of academic office detritus early in the third millennium, here's a quick census of what i had, in the order of the pile, as i worked through it hours later after uncurling and weighing down and flattening all the cellulose, distorted from cramped residence in my cozy pigeonhole:

Top Health wellness flyer, one page, blue xerox paper, distributed by the university
flyer for "How well are we preparing our graduates to understand and address the major global issues...?" lecture, fri 13 oct 1pm
memo for a welcome reception for a newly appointed associate dean on campus, th 26 oct
standard 'midterm issues' memo, whitepaper, oct 10-16
canarypaper memo: "As your Prentice Hall representative for your college, I am at your service!"
two midterm progress reportforms to be filled in for individual students (i long ago realized these are nonissues)
memo: "November is recognized at [the university] as Hunger Awareness Month..."
Labyrinth Books sale catalog 55, September 2006, "New York's premier scholarly bookseller"
[college] English Courses, Spring 2007
[university] bookstore, packet of instructions and treeware forms
[note: i never can do anything with the above till soon before classes start, given how often my schedule gets changed; i usually email the bookstore manager a request when i feel, based on long experience of these things, that my schedule has finally started to look solid]
one business school student progress report request (i long ago realized these are nonissues)
selfcongratulatory universitywide memo from a provost about the fall's incoming student pool
fullcaps largetype memo: "PLEASE JOIN THE FACULTY CLUB IN CELEBRATING [PROF. X'S] BIRTHDAY" (faculty lounge)
two sets of class reviews from spring 06, in an unsealed envelope
[note: the above reports might actually be interesting, if i could take anything specific from them, but neither report gives the name of a class; i guess i am supposed to figure out which of all the long numbers on the forms are class codes, and then try to research what the corresponding class names would be; anyhow, one report shows questions being answered with averages of mainly 4.5's to 4.8's on a scale of 1 to 5, the other more around 4.0's; the first two or three years i was here we used to get the actual sheets back that students filled out, with their specific comments and suggestions (e.g. "stop wearing that purple shirt," which i did) -- but no more, so whatever pedagogical and professional utility the sheets might have had is now gone with the wind]
a thin promotional catalogue for Yale U Pr's books on the ancient world
promotional thincardboard threewing foldout flyer on the university's charitable activities (world food day, AIDS, etc.)
antioch university, women's studies in europe, threewing foldout flyer with circular white stickytab holding it shut for USPS
8.5x11 flyer, joe dimaggio lecture, and related display in school library
ditto, orangepaper, prehalloween costume party and fundraiser in cafeteria, 20 oct 8pm
clearplasticpacked advertising materials for the Norton Anthology of American Literature, via USPS
flyer for a 'travel to manhattan' club meeting (intended to integrate nyc into the undergrad educational experience)
eightpage inaugural issue of an occasional universitywide periodical on the core curriculum
memo to me from the bookstore about how many copies the bookstore has left in stock of several books for my latemorning class
campuswide memo from bookstore to the effect that they will start returning unsold fallterm books to the publisher on 6 oct
eightpage greypaper issue (vol. 12, no. 1) of a universitywide periodical on pedagogy
singlepage announcement to be made in all classes about a campuswide writing contest

so that's what i could have picked up daily from my box in dribs and drabs, over the last month or so, if j. didn't have me on the dogwalk every weekday morning -- i feel stupid being on the floor where my box is; i don't even have a shared office there any more, so i tend to drop by only before 8, when the secretaries haven't arrived yet -- the school has hired a few fulltime people each of the last two years, and their priority on space has sopped up every office that was not already occupied by fulltimers in the new 'big' building -- no more shared office space for me, as there was on the third floor in 04-05, and in the prior old, far smaller building (and i suppose it goes without saying that i've never had shared space at this university where there was actually a computer available; i've always had to type in a public area, ever since i stopped bringing my by then somewhat decrepit year2000 laptop to work in 2003) --

as for using one of the several terminals in public hall areas along the third floor of the new building, those at the front end are near one of the secretary's offices, and she likes to play LITE FM and talk on the phone; from her activities and expressions it's clear that she feels that if you are not in class teaching you are loitering unnecessarily and annoying her on 'her' turf -- and as for the rear end of the third floor, that's where i was sitting when alwaysangry philosophy prof came out of his often NPR-blaring lair and halfyelled at me, "nobody wants to hear you typing, it's very distracting!" -- that was near the end of the rnl-overt-break week, late sept 05, so since then i have simply never spent time on the third floor during business hours -- just sometimes before 8am (and only rarely then, ever since the dogwalk commenced, starting at 720-30am in the spring and thereafter creeping ever later); occasionally after 5pm (as during summer II 06, but here in the fall i never stay on campus from the end of my last class, before 230, till after the secretaries leave, between 430 or 500); or on weekends or holidays, when occasionally i'll come up here and ask security to let me in, at a time when of course the secretaries are never there, and only the occasional other faculty person, usually a mathy or sciency person or two who will stay in their offices, and never another humanities prof (but i haven't come here on a closed day since the summer) --

somehow i have a feeling there could be an issue in this pile of crap i yank out of my pigeonhole at 755am or so, but i figure i'll look through it later -- gotta write that report before they start bugging me -- i try for my usual thursday preproom, but limping library lady, whom i've mentioned running into too often in this bldg recently, is in there; presumably she's held a 740 class or session in there (that's the first timeslot on tu/th), and then she also works 9-5 at the library -- that's probably shy she's over here so much: a class or the like -- i've seen her in other classroom buildings as well, around classchange times, over the years -- so anyway, i head upstairs and find empty the room that i know the other english prof with the same status as me will use for a class that runs from after 900 till after 1030 (he was one of the two other people at that monday afternoon 'meeting' several weeks back, and i've since realized, from post1030 tu/th board jottings in this room, that this is where and when he teaches his section of the class that that meeting was about) -- i catch up on overnight and early morning email -- when i leave, after 845, i spot him across the parkinglot, probably headed toward the room i've just left --

across to the other building and in to the warmish computer room nearest the loo -- there's one female student sitting there, but she says she has no class there starting at 9, so this will work for me for ninety minutes anyhow -- with some interruptions for email, but no incoming call from j. about her schedule or the car, from 845-1015 i do the investment shop report from yesterday -- here are some extracts -- of course, the form isn't here; i am only including stuff i did in narrative boxes, not the greenbutton ratings and the yes/no parts of the report --

Called the assignment phone number, 9:31am Friday the 13th of October. Had to wait through three long voice menus, which were all irrelevant to me, so I gave up and just hit 0 for an operator. At 9:33, I hear "all our telephone bankers are busy assisting other customers" (then music and [bank x] ads). 9:34, operator wants to know number I dialed and the person I wanted. She then says she's transferring me to the branch, telling me to ask for Ms. [name] there. Music and ads, then silence, then a "please wait" message several times, and then I'm cut off. Immediately (9:37), I redial and select 3 to connect myself directly to a [national bank center] phone rep, who puts me through to the branch again, where a woman picks up and tells me at 9:38 that Ms. [name] will be in all day starting at 11, so I say I will call back soon after 11.

At 12:20 I called back. Marilyn answered. She went off the line, came back, and said [rep name] is with another customer. At Marilyn's request, I left a cell number for [name] to call. At 2:30 I had not gotten a call back, so I called again. After someone answered the phone and put me on hold for a minute, I talked to [name]. She said she is busy for the rest of the day and in fact had no appointments available before next Thursday, so I accepted the following Thursday at 3PM. I then emailed my scheduler who advanced the assignment due date to the following Thursday the 19th.

***

Ms. [name] rescheduled my original appointment for Weds. the 19th at 3PM. On the 19th, she and I then agreed on Weds. the 25th at 3PM. When I arrived on the 25th, I could hear her leaving a voicemail on a client's phone. When she was done, less than a minute later, she stuck her head out of her office and asked me in. She was polite, personable, and friendly. (I include in the final evaluation section my experience with the cancellation of the appointment on the 19th.)

***

The most obvious, and hard-to-miss, part of the compliance signage was a large overhead sign in the corner of her office that Ms. [name] gestured toward early in our meeting as she explained that [bankname] Financial Services was a separate company from [bankname] the bank. The sign was steel or similar, with dark lettering saying "[bankname] Financial Services" and giving other basic company information. The non-FDIC disclosure was visible.

***

Ms. [name]'s first presentation topic was that [bankname] Financial is separate from [bankname] the bank. When I asked if they were two different parts of the same company, she said no, they are totally separate. She said the way to think of it would be that it's like having a branch of Merrill Lynch in your local bank branch, but Merrill Lynch and the bank are still separate companies.

***

In accordance with scenario parameters, I explained that I had inherited $60,000 from my father's aunt in Florida, and that my father had initially kept the money in a CD in Florida in my name, but that he wanted me to take over managing the money now, and the CD had come due the end of last week, which she said meant we have ten days to from maturity to figure what to do with the money.

She asked how old I was, and my annual income. When I gave a figure of $51,000, she said that was the 25% tax bracket. She took notes on a legal-type pad while doing this. She asked what I was looking to do with the $60,000, and I said that I have retirement set up with my employer and a contingency fund, so I was looking to invest this money longer term, for retirement, which would be at least 10 and probably 15-20 years off. She asked if I was married or had children and I said no. She also asked what other savings I had, and I said I had 9-12 months of expenses in a liquid contingency fund and did not need to have access to the $60,000 till retirement.

So she and I agreed that I was looking for something of medium risk at most, and something that was likely to grow -- although of course, as she mentioned early on and repeated, before getting to any investment products, with the kinds of products she was thinking of recommending to me there is no guaranteed return or even maintenance of principle.

When I told her I worked for a university (she asked), she surmised correctly that this meant I had TIAA-CREF retirement, and I added that I also have employer-employee retirement contributions partly in a selection of Vanguard funds. (I tried to stick to my actual life situation where possible, to make the assignment as real-life as possible.) I said I mostly leave the existing retirement money alone, re-evaluating every year or two or three whether to change funds or distribution percentages, but do not follow fund values or balances on a daily or weekly basis, just by looking at quarterly statements and annual reports.

She then took out three sheets, each headed "[bankname] Group of Funds," with these subheadings: "Equity Income Fund," "West Coast Equity Fund," and "International Growth Found." She wrote 50%, 30%, and 20%, respectively, at the top of these three sheets. Those were the three funds she discussed for the balance of her presentation.

***

After the two initial disclosures (i.e., [bankname] Financial is separate; the investments to be discussed here are not FDIC insured), Ms. [name] quite quickly ticked off several investment possibilities that she said would not be right for me in my situation and that she would therefore not recommend for me. For example, she said a Fixed or Variable Annuity would not be right for me because it would give me no option at all to withdraw before age 59-1/2. She also said that buying individual bonds didn't make sense for me, but didn't go into why. This entire what's-not-right-for-you discussion lasted under a minute; she had already taken out the three [bankname] Group of Funds sheets, written 50-30-20 at the top of each, and turned them around toward me in a row on her desk.

***

The main detail of the discussion was Ms. [name]'s presentation of the [bankname] Equity Income Fund, West Coast Equity Fund, and International Growth Fund, which she recommended be distributed 50%, 30%, and 20%, respectively.

She discussed each fund's track record and returns over recent years, since inception, and year-to-date, while specifying that future value cannot be predicted and is not guaranteed. She said that allocations of funds might be changed if I wanted, in response to market conditions, and she also said that she would talk with me on the phone once a quarter in any event, and indicated that I would receive monthly statements.

Meanwhile, she was jotting sideways on a blank 8.5x11 sheet the letters A and B, with a line down the middle of the sheet separating them. Under the A she listed 5.50 for up to $49,999, and 4.75 for $50,000-99,999. Under the B she listed years 1-5 with withdrawal options for each year. In our subsequent discussion she said that the B option only makes sense if you have under $50,000 to invest, which is not my situation. So she recommended option A, where there is a one-time initial fee of 4.75% on my proposed investment of $60,000, but after that there is total liquidity, which is not the case with the B option.

When I then noticed the columns for A shares, B shares, and C shares on each of the three WM Funds sheets, I asked if her sheet with A and B was referencing those share types and she said yes. (I hadn't been clear on that.) I then asked what the C option was, which she had not written on her sheet at all or mentioned, and she responded that that option involves high internal fees and has no liquidity for a year, and she would not recommend it for me.

***

At the end of the discussion she told me the hours she was in the office, asked me to think about her recommendations, and asked if it was alright for her to call me by Friday if I have not called her back or come back in by then. I said yes.

She called my attention to the products of [bankname] the bank near the outset of the discussion, between the two initial disclosures she made and her subsequent presentation of the mutual fund recommendations. She first showed me, and then gave me to keep, a large format (8.5x14 landscape orientation) sheet headed "[bankname] consumer deposit rates effective Oct. 23." She pointed out the rates for various bank accounts, in case I wished to bring my banking relationship to the same branch location as my investment relationship with [bankname] Financial.

***

This was a very focused and concise presentation. Comparable past assignments I have done have involved meeting with the rep for 30-45 minutes and hearing about quite a number of possible investment vehicles, but this time the entire meeting was basically 20 minutes, making one very specific recommendation. I am of two minds as to whether this is good or problematic.

On the one hand, Ms. [name] knows exactly what she wishes to recommend and does so quickly and clearly. If the exact investment parameters she recommended are in fact the best thing for me, then she diagnosed my financial situation quickly and cut to the chase with her recommendations, without wasting either her time or mine with other options and information. But I am not sure whether that is the case or not. It concerned me a little that she seemed so exclusively to steer me toward exactly one setup, ruling out all other possibilities within a few moments and, in the case of the C option for example, not even mentioning it at all until I asked. I was a little worried that maybe I was being steered to what was best for [bankname] rather than what was best for me, but without a lot of number crunching and more expertise than I am supposed to demonstrate for this assignment, I just don't know.

Ms. [name] was an interesting mix interpersonally, for someone operating (as I am) from a potential customer's angle. I had a far more difficult time getting an initial appointment with her than I had with any other investment rep, and the appointment was far off. She then apparently called me the afternoon before the original Thur. Oct. 19th appointment to reschedule, but I did not get the message. I showed up for the 3PM appointment on the 19th at 3:04PM, and stood near her open door for quite awhile waiting. She was on the phone and at her terminal about what seemed likely to be her own personal financial affairs, saying things like, "I've been on this call 22 minutes, how long is it going to last?," "My social security number is x," and "So the balance is $43,XXX." At 3:18 the woman in the next cubicle asked me if she could help me and I mentioned my 3PM appointment with Ms. [name]. She got Ms. [name] to come out and tell me about the cancellation, and we negotiated an appointment for the following Wednesday the 25th at 3PM. So the impression I was left with was that she had canceled her appointment with me and was using the time to take care of personal matters. I wasn't very pleased about that.

This was compounded on top of the difficulty I had getting in touch with her initially: far more calls and a longer pre-appointment wait (close to a week, twice) than with other [bankname] Financial investment reps. And when she first talked to me on the phone on Friday the 13th, the impression I got was that was very busy, didn't have time to talk or meet, and when she asked me how I had gotten her name my feeling was almost that I was annoying her by asking for the appointment, a feeling only increased by the long wait and subsequent cancellation.

So I was uneasy when I arrived for my appointment on the 25th. However, she was very personable, asked about personal stuff as well as financial information, and was obviously good at being charming and making good personal connections with potential clients. I was friendly in return.

The speed and focus of the presentation seemed efficient, but I was somewhat concerned about being steered so narrowly and unsure about what the right thing to do would be. My concern was a little heightened when she forgot things I'd told her, for example: My basic statement at the outset was that I had $60,000 to invest, but in the middle of the discussion she had changed that to $80,000 in her head, and I did not subsequently correct her because it did not affect the recommended 4.75% option A fee anyhow. I also told her about my current bank accounts, and she garbled that information in utilizing it later in the discussion. So I wondered if her speed and concision had to do with diagnosing my situation carefully and quickly, or if it was a case of her having a preset recommendation that serves her interests or the bank's.

All in all, she seems to have good interpersonal skills and communication skills about investment vehicles, but a fair number of things also made me uneasy about Ms. [name]. If her charm and personal interest were consistently applied rather than intermittently, and if she made clear that she is offering the right recommendations for the individual based on close careful attention to his or her situation, she would be in the excellent category. However, balancing out the positive and the more problematic parts of my experience, I'd have to place her as good or average in many areas (see above), and excellent only on Questions 4, 5, and 6 above.

***

this isn't the first time it's struck me that the narrative bits i often need to write for these assignments are not that different in some ways from some of the reports on segments of daily experience that i engage in here in lj -- whatever...

by 1015 i'm done -- even without the delays and issues on this assignment, in general investment shops tend to be highly detailed and involved in financial technicalities -- but in this case it is like 60, 65 bucks for maybe three hours' work, whatever...

that done, from 10something till oneish i polish and open several lj entries from september; still over a month behind --

and then i check through my pile of pigeonhole crap -- and guess what, buried way down in the middle of all the abovelisted pigeonhole crap, is one of those little four by five inch message slips, you know, the ancient pink ones that you get from oldtime officesupply companies, headed 'TELEPHONE MESSAGE' with To, Date, From lines, checkoff boxes for 'telephoned' 'please return call,' etc. and four little dotted lines for a concise secretary- or receptionist-written message, in this case to this effect: :

There is an offer to teach a Spring 07 class Please call within two days of this message. [name of one of the two dourfaced middleaged catholiclady building secretaries, with an afterthought "Thank you" jammed in between the end of the message and her name]

Interesting. They have my email address and my cellnumber -- I just gave both yet again to this particular dourfaced catholicady in the middle of August, in case she needed to get in touch about any grading issues from Summer II, and she said that was great, with seeming positivity. And I know the assignment is actually being decided by the department associate chair for this campus, whom I mailed in August about getting a third fall course, as he'd mentioned in the spring, and he'd never replied. And the administrator who'd called and left the pinkslip message with dourfaced catholiclady also has my cellphone and email address. I've given them to her several times when going to see her face to face. But I've also noticed she never ever emails, and does not call my cellphone. The closest she'll come is to call dourfaced catholiclady and have her cell me. Apparently she is so oldschool that she thinks directly contacting people would lower her. Wonder if she dictates her memos to a secretary with a beehive hairdo who takes shorthand or uses a dictaphone or something. Guess her sense of uptodate is the office arrangements in "Desk Set."

And the wording is very unusual. I've gotten message slips from this same administrator before, but never with a deadline -- I'll usually get back to them a week or two later, and it's never been made an issue in any way. After all, we are talking about a slip dated [Weds.] 11 October and timemarked 1015. I recall that the first semester I taught here, I was first asked to agree to courses around the middle of November. (And then got a phonemachine message left at my house the afternoon before Thanksgiving from the administrator saying "you lost one of your courses," as if I'd done something, rather than they'd changed their plans and dropped out of their offer.) Why is this so early this year? And why a deadline that, given I'm not supposed to teach here on Thursdays, is basically saying 'if you don't call back the current workday or early on your next workday, forget it,' about something that isn't going to happen till late January (the spring term), and has never been arranged this early before?

And the kickers: 'possibility' (never orally or in writing have they sounded so hedgy about this) and 'a' (i've never been asked to teach just one course here in any of the more than a dozen semesters i've taught here over the last fiveplus years) -- To me, it sounds like the associate chair, who now has a new fulltime person teaching 20C lit from a pomo-theory angle (namely, the chair of that meeting I was impressed into attending several weeks ago), may have just tacitly decided he doesn't really need someone else who's published on 20C lit -- and this odd little gambit is a typically sneaky and cowardly and blameshifting academic way to try to make it into my fault that I'm being forced out --

Can't be sure -- don't make assumptions, don't lash out -- But i have to think some about how to respond to and deal with this -- It's already two weeks after she sent the query, which would be nothing odd in past semesters -- But it's way past their nominal 'deadline,' anyhow, so I'll give myself at least part of a day to think about what to write, then will email tomorrow morning --

drive home just about 100pm -- kf: six soup again: two chickarina (12g carb/svg), two turkey noodle (12g carb/svg), two minestrone w/ chicken (16g carb/svg), 8.07 at halfprice special; one godiva chocolate of some sort or other, 2.00, 10.07, paid in exact change, 1:15pm -- kf thanksgiving promotion notice, bottom of receipt: gain 300 points ($300) on shopping from 10-6 till 11-12, get 10% off an order -- "You currently have 142 points." -- first i'd noticed it -- hmm, whatever...

home; really needed that i.c. today -- feel better now -- let classthing percolate till the morning --

bababooey roast on sirius streaming radio repeat 2-6pm or so -- i finish and open several lj entries, up past midsept now --

i notice (small progress...) that the refrigerator seems to have tailed off or stopped leaking, since j. and i moved it forward three feet and i jumped down behind it and tried, without success, to find a water collection tray to clean out or empty -- well, weather is down in 40-55 range now, so the air can't hold as much moisture as it did all summer, when every morning it would flood a big pool across from the front of the fridge to near the opposite wall -- wonder if this summer was just especially humid and the problem'll stay gone next year, or if there is a problem with the fridge itself (it's from 91, is over fifteen years old now) and we'll have to push this rock back up the hill next year --

a. not home from her latework evening till nearly 10 --

A (10/26/2006 9:45:06 PM): hey, not sure if you are doing the hibernation-land-of-nod thing, but i just got home a few minutes ago
G (10/26/2006 9:55:05 PM): hi
G (10/26/2006 9:55:15 PM): late night
G (10/26/2006 9:55:19 PM): ttyl
A (10/26/2006 9:55:23 PM): yes, quite
G (10/26/2006 9:55:24 PM): hi
G (10/26/2006 9:55:27 PM): k
G (10/26/2006 9:55:31 PM): i'm not asleep
A (10/26/2006 9:55:38 PM): i see that
G (10/26/2006 9:55:39 PM): will not lie down anywhere
G (10/26/2006 9:55:41 PM): :-)
A (10/26/2006 9:55:44 PM): cute
G (10/26/2006 9:55:47 PM): uh huh
G (10/26/2006 9:56:03 PM): well, i got up at 4 for some reason
G (10/26/2006 9:56:10 PM): will call in the next 15
G (10/26/2006 9:56:15 PM): without lying down first
A (10/26/2006 9:56:31 PM): okay, i'll be awake
G (10/26/2006 9:56:39 PM): k
G (10/26/2006 9:56:42 PM): ttys

at 1006pm, i start 19 minute call to a. -- then almost straight to sleep -- i think she usually goes to sleep after that too, considers it sort of like sleeping together -- i didn't realize she often has my summer robe in bed with her -- one always has so many effects, so many responsibilities to those around one --
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time passes (humpday version) [Oct. 25th, 2006|04:43 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |anxiousstill anxious-tired]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Pink Floyd, "Time"]

wake up, couch again, 116, in to and into bed, cold there, trying to sleep, takes maybe fifteen minutes before i'm gone again --

cellalarm, 557, press end for two seconds or so to keep it from ringing again and to save the battery (won't use it for many hours) --

o -- i was dreaming again -- shit -- what of? -- ah, the musical group yes, favorites of mine from highschool senioryear on, but i haven't thought of them much recently -- in the dream, i was hanging with them and they were talking and then rehearsing -- again, woke up without an ending -- before i stand out of bed, i remember that i finally have the rescheduled investment apptmt from last week to do after work today -- i make a mental note not to forget and just dash home after class or something -- up soon after 620 -- from the foot of the stairwell to the upper floor i can see that j's light is on already in the back guestroom (no one sleeps in the main bedroom these days) -- so i don't call up and bug her pointlessly --

as i've started to do recently, after not infrequently falling asleep and not nightcalling a., i leave her some i.m. on arising -- here's the bit from today, where we never actually converse but do crosstalk --

G (10/25/2006 6:24:06 AM): sorry fell asleep on stupid couch 9something, woke up 115
G (10/25/2006 6:24:24 AM): ttyl or after youre home
G (10/25/2006 6:24:29 AM): shower time
A (10/25/2006 6:39:44 AM): morning
A (10/25/2006 6:39:48 AM): i'm getting ready too
G (10/25/2006 7:05:06 AM): hi, probably youre gone, ttyt
G (10/25/2006 7:05:17 AM): was in shower at 639
A (10/25/2006 7:12:27 AM): actually i'm running really late!
A (10/25/2006 7:12:31 AM): have a good day
A (10/25/2006 7:12:32 AM): ttyl
G (10/25/2006 7:20:58 AM): yep bye
G (10/25/2006 7:21:05 AM): nah musta missed you

my morningprep: showershave -- there's only a small bit of soap right now, which i actually created yesterday in the shower by my usual technique of pressing together two thin almostgone bars to make one smallish but solider and more usable bar -- j'd left me with a sliver of her old one -- she finds then annoying, but knows i have always been willing to work with them -- and i only have a little of my last bottle of shampoo left, from stop and shop, not sure i want to go there just for that so i am skimping on shampoo usage -- i only have a a little shavingcream left, now, from the dispenser that rnl encouraged me to get in fall 04 when she knew i was using soap to showershave (i did that for years and years, back to when i went back to blade shaving in about january 1983, after years with electric) -- but a peasized bad of the propellant menthol cream suffices to slice hair off the face without discomfort (like shampoo, i suspect manufacturers are happy if people use way more of it than they need) -- what was that s.c., like 2 or 3 bucks, and it really lasted two years, in use probably four or so days a week on average --

out and dried and dressed, j. still not moving around as far as i can tell from the bottom of the stairs, so i call her this time -- out for the paper 655-705, am annoyed by having to come to total dead halt in darkgray predawn light for a hoodie guy footdragging his way into the street that i need to turn into -- hostility? -- hmm, sunup must be past 715 by now -- standard time again in maybe ten days or something --

coasting home past hospital, i see footdragging guy, who must have turned and walked up my street on the opposite from my house and is likely approaching a 7-to-3 shift at the hospital -- a i park, i see nextdoor gayguy heading down the lawn and through a break in the bushes toward the bus stop --

and i see someone put my/our garbage cans by the side of the house after they were emptied by sanit (new york's burliest) yesterday afternoon -- who? landlord? he's usually here latemorning, not late afternoons... j., upon arriving home last night? ha, that never happens... some other housie? couldn't 100% rule it out... b.f.? i used to bring the cans out and back for everyone, on this side of the house, just out of generic niceness, going way back to the nineteen nineties, but after b.f. and i had our nearmiss and she got very negative, i stopped doing anything nice, or touching anything of hers at all for any reason whatsoever (duh)... -- so who moved my g.c.'s back beside the house??

in, j. still not up -- but up soon after -- rushes, has no tea, we leave the house at 751 -- the last halfblock before we reach the main street where wb is on the other side, i am 50 feet ahead of j., as often (she stops to let him do number two along here now), and i am walking along slowly trying to finish the paper before i hand it off to her after she comes out of sb to head to her bus -- and i hear the clacking of female heelshoes slightly behind me on the other side of the street -- from my peripheral vision it's a thirtyish woman with long black straight hair -- i make a point of not checking her out, keep reading, but with halfattention to which the clicking sound is, relative to me -- she crosses kittycorner and a coupledozen feet behind, between me and j. with the dog -- so i decide to turn right into the entrance to the cvs lot in a few more feet, let her pass, and let j. catch up (i have the doggiedoodoo grocerybag, and he will probably stop along the citystrip soon before reaching the cvs) -- but as i slowly walk across the lot toward the cvs door, i still hear her behind me, getting closer -- aha, she's cutting across the lot to the mainstreet, heading west toward a bus stop most likely -- after she heads on by, a few feet to my left now, i turn back to the sidewalk where i am asked to put the bag to use (he's already arched before i'm out of the lot) --

homeward bound 805ish, but guess what? with no bag left, i find he wants to crap again in the banklot -- hmm, what could he have been eating? -- anyway, i noticed several weeks ago a ratty dirty old plastic sack lying in a declivity among the weeds and trash, and sometimes make mental note of it when i pass, with the idea that it could be used if i find myself bagless but bagneeding -- well, here's the morning -- the plastic bag, loaded, gets stuffed down the nowdrained sb cup (i gulped it down as and after he went, precisely to use it in this way; he doesn't need it as a chewtoy every morning) -- but still, i end up with the graybrown dust of dried mud on my fingers, and make a mental note to rinse my fingers at home --

usual morning -- no momentous emails -- i write "investment job" on a paperscrap and stick it as a marker in the page i'll start on in my afternoonclass book --

also, for the first time since the 14th, i check voicemail on my cell -- and end up spending 10-15 minutes working through 14 new msgs, three of them from my maryland brother back after my birthday on the ninth -- he was calling b/c he'd sent no card, i'm sure; np -- just about all the others are from shop assignment services that i never pick up, and never listen to on v-m past the first few words -- if you have a good assignment, email me with the particulars and i'll get right back to you; don't try to get me live on the phone and pressure me into doing something that is against my interest and judgment -- i just don't have the spare psychic energy to battle that sort of thing off, over and over, on a daily basis -- i get lots of calls now from areacodes i don't recognize At All, and know i don't know anyone in -- to sign up online, they make you include phone numbers, and at first i expected that would used be for emergencies, not for salespressure -- now, unless it's a specific real assignment, i only give my landline (e.g., on registration forms) -- a number which they'll never be able to leave a message at or get a pickup on, teehee -- and also, why doesn't my phone show me new vm's left any more when i flip the lid open? in 04-05 it did -- now it only seems to display missed calls when i open the lid -- two or three times i've looking through settings, trying to determine what's changed and change it back, but i never have managed it -- maybe it's some change on their end, their software, that *i* can't actually fix anyhow -- so though it's annoying, i try not to think about it: just wasted time -- and meanwhile, i often go days without listening to v-m, b/c my inference is that it will usually be assignment schedulers trying to encourage me to do something for five or ten dollars -- it just makes no sense to do anything under 20, unless it's in your neighbor's house or something -- possibly 15, if geoclose and not too involved --

morningclass: peter walsh thinking, about the city, modern life, bustle, changes, women, losing clarissa to richard; then the shift back to the smiths, whom peter sees from the outside but we from the inside -- "it is time," rezia says -- time in the book, on every scale; time, on every scale, in experience; time in modern life -- time is accumulation, time is change, time is loss, etc. --

interclass hourplus -- nominal, let's say --

afternoonclass: from opening of hamlet discussion to problem plays discussion -- i believe i listed some major issues and themes one of the last two times i taught this class, early this year --

on to the not forgotten investment shop -- for details, see thurs. am, when i wrote the report -- and then homeward --

kf on way home, total 10.07, 4:02pm:

2 progresso new england clam chowder, 20g carb per 8oz serving
2 progresso beef and baked potato, 15g carb per 8oz serving
2 progresso turkey noodle, 12g carb per 8oz serving

(note: 19oz or so per can; although all varieties are the same in size, the cans vary in weight by variety, depending on ingredients, mainly i'd guess proportion of nonwater to water)

godiva chocolate raspberry
(note: they've restocked godiva since yesterday; the inventory had virtually run out and the advertised special doesn't end till thursday night)

as it turns out, i don't come to a moment anywhere in the late afternoon or evening when i actually feel like doing the perhaps problematic and definitely detailed report -- by the time it's near bedtime, i'll have to do it in the morning early --

a's home 705; her day was tough -- she's annoyed b/c her insurance won't cover the lamisil she needs (she thinks she got it from a summertime pedicure); i say i'll ask about it, b/c my vague recollection is that j. couldn't get it covered at first, but eventually did -- also, there was a really nice field trip today, a. says, but on the train coming back, one of her students seems to have been recognized as a blood by a crip, and things got somewhat ugly, there may be upshots (safety transfer, etc.) -- she may talk with the class monday (next time she sees them) about going to college and getting away from this kind of thing -- but meanwhile, i can tell the whole time from her slow responses and tone that she is not in a good mood -- one coworker who was there is taking a mentalhealth day off tomorrow, she says -- i ask her how "you own stuff" is going, joking about being less direct tonight than last night -- she's not sure if things are ok or not ok, would just like some escape, but doesn't see anything on tv, may read a book --

and then i bring this up (and this is the end of our interaction for the day, b/c again i didn't make it late enough to call) --

G (10/25/2006 7:54:20 PM): since you started taking it [the new mood pill, a week ago monday] you sleep more and sometimes seem more down, a few times ok
A (10/25/2006 7:54:59 PM): hmmm, well, it is good to get feedback
G (10/25/2006 7:55:07 PM): and
G (10/25/2006 7:55:10 PM): guess what
A (10/25/2006 7:55:14 PM): do tell
G (10/25/2006 7:55:17 PM): zero emoticons virtually
A (10/25/2006 7:55:26 PM): oh
G (10/25/2006 7:55:31 PM): go back and look the last ten days
G (10/25/2006 7:55:42 PM): not a huge issue, but might indicate something
G (10/25/2006 7:55:44 PM): dunno
A (10/25/2006 7:55:58 PM): wow, there's a new side effect - patients lose interest in emoticons
A (10/25/2006 7:56:09 PM): well, i feel sortof flat to down
G (10/25/2006 7:56:37 PM): [so far this session] i've used three, you zero, i try to keep them down if youre not using them
A (10/25/2006 7:56:52 PM): use away
A (10/25/2006 7:56:54 PM):
A (10/25/2006 7:57:02 PM): bummer
A (10/25/2006 7:57:05 PM): that felt forced
G (10/25/2006 7:57:06 PM): tandem
G (10/25/2006 7:57:08 PM): np
G (10/25/2006 7:57:10 PM): see
G (10/25/2006 7:57:19 PM): maybe you are feeling more down so far
G (10/25/2006 7:57:55 PM): that would be my impression, but all i have is some im and phone every day, maybe an hour a day tops for the last ten days
A (10/25/2006 7:58:51 PM): well, it wouldn't be unusual at all for it to take a couple of weeks to begin working
G (10/25/2006 7:59:11 PM): well, then give it the rest of the week and see how you feel when you meet him [pilldoc] monday
G (10/25/2006 7:59:13 PM): right?
A (10/25/2006 7:59:24 PM): and without really negative side effects a dr. would probably ask for a trial as long as 4 to 6 weeks
A (10/25/2006 7:59:46 PM): yep, i'll see him monday, and probably the monday after that
G (10/25/2006 8:00:00 PM): monday is 2 weeks, ok
A (10/25/2006 8:00:58 PM): so what are you up to tonight?
G (10/25/2006 8:01:05 PM): not sitting on the couch [lest i fall asleep there yet again]
G (10/25/2006 8:01:12 PM):
G (10/25/2006 8:01:23 PM): hell, only two hours till 10
A (10/25/2006 8:01:31 PM): cute!
A (10/25/2006 8:01:36 PM): so typing and such?
G (10/25/2006 8:01:49 PM): yep, we'll see, i want to get out of street clothes
A (10/25/2006 8:01:49 PM): how's your webcam?
G (10/25/2006 8:02:05 PM): i have an entry about that i'll open by tomorrow [see 9 sept. entry; i'm like six weeks behind these days, but not falling further behind anyhow]
G (10/25/2006 8:02:10 PM): nothing too thrilling
A (10/25/2006 8:02:20 PM): interesting enough though
A (10/25/2006 8:02:26 PM): even worth an emoticon
G (10/25/2006 8:02:32 PM): ok, well, i'll let you know when it's done
A (10/25/2006 8:02:38 PM): well, go get undressed
G (10/25/2006 8:02:51 PM): behave!
G (10/25/2006 8:02:52 PM):
A (10/25/2006 8:03:00 PM): ok
A (10/25/2006 8:03:02 PM): maybe
G (10/25/2006 8:03:03 PM): BE-HAVE
G (10/25/2006 8:03:06 PM): ha ha
A (10/25/2006 8:03:15 PM): ttyl
G (10/25/2006 8:03:27 PM): ok, i'll call later if i dont hear from you on im
G (10/25/2006 8:03:32 PM): have a good read
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dreamday [Oct. 24th, 2006|10:40 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |anxiousanxious-tired]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Gary Wright, "Dream Weaver"]

i fell asleep on couch "on accident," after nine last night -- so tired these days, maybe a function of hibernation as cooler weather encroaches -- i awakened for a few moments, wee hours, was awake again 410 by the red display cablebox next to the tv --

in to bed, into bed, cellalarm unactivated, asleep again after bedding warms up a bit --

two morning prewakeup dreams -- the second was that my family did not know me or who i am any more -- that's a little bit weird; guess it makes sense, though -- and the first one, which i recall after i recall the second one, is about me living in a large apartment with rnl, with her halfignoring and halftolerating me, as i worry about what she thinks of me -- that one was inconclusive, just me thinking, and at some point broke it off to wake up -- i almost never dream -- why am i lately? something on my mind? or just weird sleeptimes and places (couch)? there was the saving myself in crashing jet one not so long agao, that was the first i think --

i awaken for good at 630 as i hear the cagelatches rattling, dog's being liberated, j brushes teeth first thing as usual -- then i to a., having missed her --

G (10/24/2006 6:35:46 AM): yep, fell asleep on couch
G (10/24/2006 6:35:55 AM): glad grades are done
G (10/24/2006 6:36:04 AM): have a good day
G (10/24/2006 6:36:43 AM): i'll tty when you're home
G (10/24/2006 6:37:07 AM): some time 5/6 maybe

after j's done with personal dentistry, i shower dress am out for paper 655 --

G (10/24/2006 7:09:42 AM): k, bet i missed you by now, ttyt
G (10/24/2006 7:09:55 AM): ha ha
G (10/24/2006 7:10:06 AM): ttyl

dogwalk deviation du jour: sidewalk are always wet now, along the black metal fence perimeter of the radiology place just prior to the first main street, on the way up -- in summer the predawn (probably 4/5/6 am???) automatic lawnsprayer runoff from their green lawn would have already evaporated by dogwalk hour, 730 or 800, but now the slantwise downhill runoff from the lawn across the sidewalk toward the gutter is still visible during dogwalk; sidewalk cooler, air cooler, slower evaporation --

funny how often i run into woman and daughter, these days, on the downhill home -- it's only a 300 or so yard stretch from the first main road homeward to the second main road homeward, but apparently both of our schedules vary, because i know mine varies by as much as 15-20 minutes from day to day, depending on when j's ready, so if they and i cross paths a lot, her timing must be varying some too -- the whole walk uphill or downhill along this stretch is only three or four minutes --

the still fairly newlyopened place along upper main road, that j. took us to several earlysummer sunday mornings, before they started closing the front facade doors during a/c season so we couldn't sit just inside with the leashed dog just outside on the sidewalk, seems to be looking for more business -- they've left fullcolor glossy cards under carwipers all along the streets here, announcing a "Grand Opening Celebration!" on 27 oct., free hors d'oeuvres & buffet, live performance -- other coupons on back -- bottom rear shows the interior looking outwards, including a view of the spot where j and i sat, glass doors still closed, and halloweentheme decorated -- okay -- the last few blocks homeward, the gutters are strewn with their distinctive shape and darkred colorscheme --

b.f.'s car appeared parked before the house some time late last night --

office -- i plan to type 825-1015 -- as i use the loo, early on, to foreclose later interruptions, i have a, for me, common thought upon entering a room of urinals: driving the turnpike -- my most memorystored encounters with urinals, i guess: during highway travel -- we are hunters: we take in novel things (as when entering a reststop), then make mental pattern-connections when those are provoked by some subsequent experience -- but it's kind of silly and pointless to think of southern jersey rest stops in one's classroom building...

i actually leave the preproom at 1027, but no one seems to be waiting for the room yet for the class that starts at 1045 -- then upstairs two floors to the landing on the third floor above my secondclass room, a place i know has no foot traffic and is quiet -- my plan is to wait for 1050, then (with the imminent round of classchange musical chairs completed) take over any empty room -- there's a "campus ministry" billboard up here for, i assume, temp storage; it appeared here last week some time, and is already developing swayback b/c it is a cheap thin old board without a solid frame, and under the alarmed landing door to the roof is a tallish crack through which outside air and damp enter -- in fact, there are not a few leaves on the landing, then on down the stairs -- the janitors don't come up here on any regular basis, and the leaves blow right in under the door and stay here -- there are even brown water stains where runoff from heavy rain comes through the crack, pools, and dries, leaving irregular patches of sediment -- wonder if it's cold up here in wintertime, really --

i get wrapped up in notejotting as i stand, and don't leave the landing till 1055 -- but every room on both floors of this building is unempty, even the one i've used during this timeslot on several occasions the past several weeks -- granted, only a teacher and three students in there, but drowning in a tablespoon of water is still drowning --

voila: across the asphalt courtyard, virtually empty by now, is the first comproom in the other building, entirely empty: the one i hated in early to mid sept because it was always so damn hot -- at this point in late october, though, the warmth is just fine -- about 1110am i trade the really swayback chair in the center of the right side of the rear row (my usual spot in this room) for the stifferback and more supportive, less clumsy, chair at the terminal to my left, wohoo, the care of the self -- why hadn't i thought of that before? the last few times i was in here, the swayback chair was bugging me in a lowlevel way --

guy student comes in 1115ish, and awhile later, seeing a guy in midroom and a 'professor' in the rear row, two female students, entering and hesitating, ask if there's a class -- i say no, i'm just doing email, so they come in and sit next to one another in the front row (there are only four rows in here, six terminals wide, with a central aisle dividing things three and three) -- at least they aren't really chatty like multiple females using terminals sometimes are -- the guy students hereabouts usually seem to be online alone --

all in all, i am never alone in the room from 1115 to 125 -- students use the room for email and webaccess during the 'lunch hour' (with few scheduled classes) that runs from early in the noon hour till well on in the one p.m. hour --

homeward 130ish, withdraw 40 from my account, and transfer 12 into the same acct from overdraft protection -- i like to keep over ten bucks in my account in case there's some autodeduction from my old c/c (it was usually 10 or 15 if the balance was minimal) -- that old c/c is usually totally empty, but occasionally not -- balance in my acct: 17.98, np -- i owe 61.65 in overdraft protection, will zero it out at the end of the month, only a week more -- the 40 should last a week -- receipt 13:42

across the street, checking carefully in all four directions, and into the store -- in the soup and bread aisle, they have finally smartened up and, rather than using the yellowbackground blackprint storechain shelfsigns that list in minuscule print about fifty different kinds of eligible weeklyspecial soup varieties, have simply posted a similarsized handwritten sign, white thin cardboard, "Progresso" in black marker and "Traditional" in red -- that's actually how it works: each soupspecial week, it's all of one of progresso's 'lines' that's onsale, so all you need to do is check for that line's name in a little scroll on the front of the label -- i get two turkey noodle, one each of two kinds of chicken, and two manhattan clam chowders -- i'm accumulating a fall soup inventory, b/c i know in winter there will be no soup sale most weeks; that happens that way every year -- i've been buying my own food long enough now, since 04, to notice that pattern, mammalian hunter style --

owing to the weekly i.c. special since friday, all that's left of the godiva inventory are two pitiful, leaky, obviously repeatedly scorned white chocolate raspberrys -- but i note they've added the adjoining brand (various fruit sorbets, sharon's) as a twodollar special, perhaps as a deliberate substitute for the nonexistent inventory of the flyeradvertised and shelfmarked godiva special -- i decide on strawberry, even though from long informationreading experience i know that sorbets are highercarb than i.c.; they tend to make up for the absent fat by adding more sugar; it's always something... -- but in this case, basically the same carbwise as yest (33g x 4; who eats half a cup of frozen dessert? -- as against 32 x 4 for choc raspb) -- and half the cals overall, b/c of the missing fat -- also, two 69cent reduced-shelf fruits or vegs; can't recall what now -- total, 11.45, paid with 21.45, 1:57pm --

home 2 -- eat sorbet; put away other grocs; sort through and chronologize by day, on kitchen foodprep counter and stovetop, the accumulation of late sept and early and mid oct lj stuff (notes, bits of documentation); i then put the chrono pile of lj stuff carefully into the rear part of my black bag, with a divider between sept and oct, for use in subsequent writeups -- finish sept asap; catch up --

then i talk a bit (not much) on aac -- still haven't heard from s. since late last week, i think; i cell her and leave a message around five, and then we celltalk some when she calls back, stuck in atlanta rush hour traffic -- 518-622, four s. cellcalls, incoming and outgoing -- signal fades repeatedly, callbacks, classic cell experiences (will be nostalgia in a few years, i'm sure)... -- she's taken a sales position for a battery franchising firm -- she did sales in nyc for ten years, wants to change to teaching, took a teaching job in atlanta and moved down there in aug, near her bro and parents, but quit the teaching job before classes started because she felt they were going to cheat her out of moving to a better position there later -- she's been struggling on the 'what to do with myself' front ever since -- but don't we all --

later, 716, a. is home and on im -- she got grades in on time today, has nonroutine stuff the rest of the week, such as fieldtrips and parentsnight -- her downhall neighboor is being harassed by the building board b/c she has broken a couple of building rules, about garbage placement and grilling, and so she is thinking of moving out within a few months -- turns out a. has not been technically approved by the board either; the owner of her apt said he'd 'take care of it' when she was looking at the place in summer 05, but because she doesn't create complaints she feels secure, even if he may have done something technically irregular -- i tease her some about not letting them inside the sometimes-messy apt -- anyhow, overall a. feels better, maybe pill is kicking in properly on new dosage started today --

at 749 i ask very directly if she's cut since midmorning sunday, which takes her a little aback -- she won't answer, which i tell her i take as a yes -- and i comment that, though she doesn't like to lie, she is willing to leave stuff out -- and that when she started having pervy thoughts at age 8 or so, she probably figured out a technique of keeping secrets: about sexual thoughts; later, about food consumption; still later, about cutting; whatever -- she sarcastically says "go dr. g.," but also says i have a point probably -- at eight, law and order reruns are on cable, and she starts to zone out and answer slowly -- she goes to sit on the couch some after i say i'll call later on, tennish -- we're done w/ i.m. at 807 --

near the end of the i.m., when both a. and i are keyboard laconic, j is getting home and asking me to go on a long evening dogwalk so she can go up to the keyfood and get peanutbutter etc. that she's out of b/c of not having gone groceryshopping really, recently -- i'm a little annoyed because i say this'll be close to an hour roundtrip really, i'm undressed, it's cold out, no advance notice so i could mentally plan or pace myself or be prepared, why no shopping for three weeks? -- you could ask me any time, inperson by email or by cell, to pick things up for you, because i drive by the kf every weekday virtually, and stop in many days these days -- and besides (the kicker) it shuts, i believe, at eight, right now basically -- so we'd walk all the way up there for nothing --

so she takes dog out for a short walk; she'll have to figure food out later -- i fall asleep by mistake on the couch again, soon after nine -- strange relationship sleep and i are having these days --
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back to the grind [Oct. 23rd, 2006|10:40 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahmeh]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, White Stripes, "Jumble Jumble"]

i'm still thinking, earlymorning, about whether i should park before or after the redlight by the biddystore -- for now, i'll stick with the former, which seems safer and more legal, and i'll just work to make sure i don't spend extra time sitting at the red because of it -- it seems as if i can park during a green (only time i can get there, i guess), then get the paper during the rest of the green and the following red, and be back in the car and starting to pull forward just as the light changes green in front of me -- so that seems to work --

now that the dogwalk has gotten pushed later and he's started going numbertwo on the walk up, rather than waiting for the banklot halfway through the end of the walk back, he goes on the way up even when we're not behindtime -- we leave at 735 today, and he goes just the same on the citystrip near the last main street --

dogwalk deviation: since we're earlier than we've been, today we run into the local d.a. and his doorholding lackey (lightskinned afam?), business suited both -- and for once i see them leave and where they go: they climb into a huge honking black suv at the far end of the lot -- checkitty check check

way home: as often now when i am walking home right around eight, i spot the dyedblond fortysomething lady walking sidebyside toward the mainroad with presumably her daughter, secondgrade or so -- i circle out with the dog into the road, a couple of houses before we'd get close, to avoid annoying or worrying either of them -- but as usual i spot the little girl eyeing the dog with positivelooking curiosity as we pass, me in the street, out a bit past a broken line of parked vehicles --

near the bottom of the hill, at the edge of the last property, i've been noticing some mornings a small faded mustardyellow plaque with black lettering, placed there by the fence company when the fence was put in -- what's striking is that not only does it not have an area code (which already makes it more than twenty years old), it has an exchange segment made up of two letters and one number, which when i arrived here at the end of the seventies was already a nostalgic thing -- b/c j. grew up here, she knows the GI at the beginning originally meant Gibraltar, which was the exchange in this area in the fifties and probably earlier -- our landline, which we never use now but have to have to take verizon dsl, is the successor numeric version of the old GI exchange, and therefore makes for a very 'longtime resident' sounding number that i'm cool with having --

but how old is the plaque? -- it looks weathered, but could it really be forty years old or something? -- wonder if the fence company still exists? -- at work, later, i remember to check the name and the local area, thinking i'll find nothing (i.e., probably it was a momandpop thing, and the owner's long retired, closed the business, deceased, and residing in an urn on someone's mantle down in boca raton -- but while alive he did something for other people that they wanted, and therefore kept himself comfortably alive...) -- BUT, it turns out the company's located right down one of the main streets from here a mile or so, just past some projects, which may well explain why i have never been by it much or noticed it -- there's gold in themthar steel and iron fences --

up at work, as i walk from my car across the grass toward the building where my quiet midhall computer room is, i spot a woman, unknown, exiting her vehicle and standing up -- i immediately take my finger away from my mouth --

settled inside, the first thing i do in quiet, to get it out of the way and center myself for anything else, is go through email -- i switched to aemail4u in jan 05, and later subdivided my archived mail into subjectnamed boxes for easier subsequent searching -- and then, in fall 05, i started forwarding copies of all my aemail, old and new, so as to have a backup copy on my current hard drive, and that can only happen for items sitting in the aemail inbox -- so after i send emails, i have to move them temporarily to the inbox -- and then i set my hard drive's eudora to download the entire inbox -- then, after it does so, from here at work i go through and clickcheck items destined for various subjectboxes in the archive (general stuff; school stuff, shoppy stuff since april; etc.) -- i do that when i first arrive at the office in the morning, leaving in my inbox only stray items from yesterday that i may still need to deal with --

and then i catch up on any emails, or email replies, still needing to be written -- at which point i can move the remaining pre-thismorning items to their archive box, retaining all the new day's incoming and outgoing emails till i can get home again and download second copies onto the hard drive -- if i closed the aemail4u account, or it crashed, i'd still have all my correspondence --

i always feel like i have evitated guilt and accomplished something when i have no emails left unwritten, and no archivable emails still unarchived -- then i can focus, guiltlessly, for the rest of my morning keyboard time -- nobody wants anything from me, i owe no one anything, can focus undistractedly, no backofmyhead nagging voice or such --

today, i realize my aemail4u's first paidaccount year is up tomorrow, and have written them a query about why it logs me off about every ten minutes or so at home, but at work (as formerly was the case at home till about may) that only happens every two hours -- they write back to try to say it's some issue with my home software, and at first i am wanting to be ok and mentally agree with them, but then as i think about it, i still feel that what i said in my first email was correct -- here's what i'd sent them on 9/26, right after they started the renewal process a month before the turnover date --

Hi -- I have an issue I have been meaning to write you about since
midsummer, but I've been busy. Starting around late May or June someone at
aemail4u.com changed how my login/logoff works. Instead of getting two hours
of logon when I sign in, as was the case in the past, I will get logged off
without warning as often as every 5 or 10 minutes, and then will have to go
through the login sequence sometimes dozens of times a day. That adds up to
a lot of time and effort, and it also means that unless I save copies of all
my emails before trying to hit send, sometimes I get logged off when I hit
send and lose an entire email.

I know this is not a systemwide change in policy, because when I log on from
any computer at my office, it never happens. I get two hours of service per
login at that office, and it is not an imposition on me to relogin several
times a day. But logging in 30 or 40 times a day, which eats up sometimes
close to a minute per logon, is ridiculous. I imagine the idea is to pump up
daily logon volume so as to make the domain look more active and hence more
attractive to a buyer. But you may lose me altogether if I have to keep logging on sometimes half a dozen times an hour when I work from home.

Before processing my renewal as of Oct 24th, please get back to me about
this issue. If you simply put my home computer ISP back to the logoff status
it always had on your site starting from the time I opened this as a free
account (Jan 03) till early this summer, I'll renew for another year.

Thanks in advance and regards, [firstname lastname]

when they reply today (10/23) to my email with technical data they'd asked for (my o/s etc.), they say it's my software's fault, but the logic they offer really doesn't follow -- so i suspect they just want the renewal without having to give up all the extra daily logins they get from me under the current arrangement, often 20 or 30, when the whole site only gets 2000-3000 logons a day --

anyway -- later on i'll figure out what if anything to do about that -- for now, i'm in midhall, quiet, no one else in there at all (occasionally students will come in alone or in pairs or groups of three, between or after classes, but sometimes no one comes in at all for the twoplus to threeplus hours i'm in there) --

as often this term, i do immediate preclass firstclass prep standing alone on the cement landing outside the rear end of the third floor of the building where my mailbox is -- quiet; the only time anyone would go out this way is when a professor with an office here is headed to a class near the back end of the floor immediately below (there's no entry to three from back here, so no one ever comes up; it locks when it springcloses -- and there aren't many places beyond the building to exit to down this stairwell that wouldn't be closer from down the stairs or elevator at the front) -- only two people seem to fall into the category of having a class near the rear end, on the floor below, at the same time as mine: a zaftig female religion professor who has almost never spoken a word to me in the fiveplus years i've been here (and that pattern isn't changing now that she sees me here probably twice a week), and also a male whom i don't know, maybe someone new -- they both head down the back way at a point when their class, and mine, should begin, so by the time either of them shows up i am either already picking my own bag up, or else looking over the last few pages i think we might get to in class -- i don't want to walk down the stairs hovering over them, so i give them a minute after they pass, or else when i spot them coming toward the door i head down first myself, if i'm already ready to pick up and go -- do they think i'm weird for being here? it is the only quiet place i've found in this building to think for a bit before this class --

class one: dalloway, pp. 32-48: from mrs d's youthful quasi-bisexuality and radical tinge (sally seton), down to when she's calling out to peter walsh to come to her party -- re the convo with peter walsh: the way any two people jibe and clash, see things similarly and differently (knowledge, perception, personality), and the way any two people affect one another and are affected (experience, personal and intimate life, relationships) --

pre-secondclass preproom, 1215 till classtime -- till after one i do my own keyboard stuff (no, not aac; i'd never log on to any sexually dicey site from the university's computer) -- then preclass bookprep after that -- a student comes in at one point, asking if there's any chalk (they never leave any in the rooms here, too cheap; you have to make certain to carry some around with you at all times) -- i take a nice long piece out of the sandwichbagged stash i have in my blackbag and cheerily give it to him --

classtwo: episodes 8 and 9, from "and me now" to st. talking of shksp. walking to his playhouse along the thames -- the smart and very talky but somewhat toughguy brooklyny student asks if other authors systematized as much as jj did -- i say definitely not, you got that right: but he had a different project than just writing a novel -- it was meant to survey and subsume modern life and modern culture as broadly and deeply as possible, etc., modern parallel to ancient encyclopedic epic --

after class, i decide to stay and type in the preroom downstairs -- for many years, 01-06, i would dash right out of here and either walk (01-03) or drive (03-06) home; i was tired, why did i want or need to stay? typing after class in the afternoon could be clumsy with so many faculty and staff around and no really quiet place for me to sit and work at all -- but the thing is, i now realize, most students here (and faculty?) want to have classes in the morning and leave at lunchtime (an hour when there are few classes) -- or, if not, then at least only have one afterlunch class at the time i just now taught mine -- after 230 it gets pretty quiet, most rooms are empty -- certainly my preproom is, and i can just pick up where i left off at the kb when i started preclass prep, back around or after one -- most of my classes after lunch over the years have been in the ten people, rather than the twenty to thirty people, range --

but first, pee, which i haven't in well over an hour -- leaving my blackbag by the terminal in the unlighted preproom, i head about fifty feet down a short hall past a small lobby and there, at the foot of the front stairwell to the second floor, is the mensroom entrance -- just inside the door i can see a middleaged leftside standing at the end urinal in the row that's against a doorfacing interior wall near the rear of the bathroom, behind the three stalls that are really in midroom -- so, not wanting to take privacy from anyone or lose my own, i decide to pee in the toilet instead, and do so in the stall furthest from him -- as i am leaving the stall, out from the urinal area (it was him!) comes crazy boarderasure yelling guy, from the spring (see lj entry) -- does he recognize and remember me? b/c i don't want to have to deal with him -- a little discomfitted, i bump into the edge of the unbalanced halfbroken nonlocking freeswinging stalldoor as i exit it -- and out -- hmm, i think in the hall on the way back: if he recognized me on his way to the sinks and mirrors, would i have seemed nervous or upset? these mysteries of life we'll never have the answers to -- because i am not fucking talking to him, unless i really need to, and i don't --

type till 330, in calm quiet, hearing music upstairs from some music appreciation class -- billy joel today, as i can tell just from the muffled basslines and chordchanges -- eureka, there's a class that needs to be midafternoon at this afternoonclass-hating place -- from the administration's angle, the music won't interfere with all the nearby classrooms, b/c they're empty anyway -- and from the students' angle, all you have to do is sit and listen, after your lunch break, and clap politely after each selection -- wonder what the quality level is, and whether or not i could do as well or better than the 'expert' --

well, here's a reason not to wait to leave till well after my class ends -- at 230ish the grocerystore lot is half or less than half full, while at 345 today, with school out for an hour or so, it's totally jammed -- huge lines inside, lots of moms with one or more kids in tow, in nearby preprschool uniforms -- never have seen this; must be some special prepschool event putting the elephant in the snake here --

can't even find the kf's grubby but utilitarian inventory of beatup halfblackened redplastic handbaskets, either -- there are none in the usual spots by the service window, or nearby at the front end of aisle one, or under the inside ends of the checkout lines, except for two that are blocked from me by hordes of linestanders -- but maybe i can handcarry today -- i get my limitsix soups (four italianwedding [i liked that when i had it last week, i think], one manhattan clam chowder, one chicken and herb dumpling -- those are my lowestcarb looking choices from the line on special this shopping week) -- and i can hold three stacks of two each in a little triangle in my hands against my chest -- 8.07 for six at half price, plus the only other-than-whitechocolate-raspberry onoffer godvia i.c. pint left, atop the triangle -- chocolate with chocolate hearts (it had gotten moved into the adjacent notonsale benandjerrys section, but i spotted it) -- 2.00, total 10.07 (exact change from me), 3:43pm --

fortunately, the longlooking express line actually moves swiftly for once, no weird problems in front of me, or nigh-unto-death superslowsters -- at first i am confused as to whether the receipt shows that i've gotten the correct discount on the soups (they insist on having it print out as two different discounts for each soup, partly manufacturer's and partly store's, while not showing the final price of each can anywhere, so you have to stand and scrutinize and do math, but i'm glad i am figure out that it's actually accurate before going to the service window and having to point out, when they correct me, how byzantine their register receipts are on these soup offers) --

home -- i.c. first -- dog is frantic for food and the attention it represents, bowing and fawning next to me on the couch whenever he takes a pause from running in circles on the floor and even around the top of the couchback -- i call to him and toss the empty pint for him to chase and chew when i'm done, but he already knows it's coming anyway -- as soon as he hears an eating implement clunking or scraping the side or bottom of a food container, he always comes dashing from wherever he's been waiting for me to finish --

after that, kb stuff for me; later on, one of my soupinventory for dinner --

a. home and on im 737, has been to pillguy, who's upped the dose from 30 to 60, since 30 was not showing an improvement (max is 120) -- a.'s therapist told her to fess up to him about the cutting and she did, but wouldn't show him -- she has rest of grades to finish for tomorrow, and at 807 goes off to get to them -- i fall asleep on the couch by accident at 9something (slept about 2-6 last night, after all...) -- much later, she's back with this --

A (10/23/2006 11:04:30 PM): i've noticed you've been [i.m./kb] idle for a few hours - my guess is you fell asleep.
A (10/23/2006 11:04:49 PM): hope you are sleeping well. i'm done with grades and off to bed myself.
A (10/23/2006 11:04:52 PM): ttys
A (10/23/2006 11:05:07 PM): and don't burn out your retina's with your webcam :-)
A (10/23/2006 11:05:37 PM): make that retinas plural not possessive
A (10/23/2006 11:05:44 PM): 'night

-- not one sprint phonecall in or out 10/23... --
linkpost comment

weird sunday; "r.d." 33 [Oct. 22nd, 2006|04:40 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |weirdweird, mostly]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Teenage Fanclub, "Total Weirdness"]

turn off cellphonealarm at 557, so 602 and 607 won't sound -- awaken and arise at 740 -- as i dump the nearly full kitchen paper recycling container into the outside one by the side of the house, i wonder why b.f.'s glassmetalplastic recycling container is over with our containers? life's conundra...

and onward for the paper: as at least a temporary experiment, after yesterday morning's 'issue,' i park legally along the main road (i used to think these were illegal unless i fed the meters, not pausing to consider that the meters wouldn't be in effect this early in the morning; i check one and see that 8am is their actual start time, if that even applies all seven days) -- my one issue now is will i get slowed up waiting for the red light that is now in front of rather than behind me, as i emerge with the paper -- well, let's see how the timing works out -- i can very much become a creature of habit, for loads of both good and bad reasons -- no need to keep parking around the corner past the light, where obviously the movingtraffic situation can be even trickier than i'd figured prior to yesterday morning --

as i walk into the store, of course there's an illegally parked copcar, sigh, i should call 311 some time with the license number -- and they're like two feet out off the curb, an additional violation as well as, more generally, an indicator of crappy motoring methodology, which is, in turn, an epiphenomenon of either knuckledragging dopeyness, or terminal dontgiveafuckhood, or a mix --

as i enter through the unlocked side of the double blackmetalframed glass entrance, there they are, mutt and jeff, cop classics: one well over sixfoot and really beefy, noneck style, and the other less than fivefive and compensating with a shaved head and bumpy skull, presumably meant to look scary -- the latter, of course, is carrying a huge repurposed foodsupply company box that's near brimfull with breakfasts, sandwiches, coffees, all arranged together to minimize jostling, apparently about to be chauffered back to the precinct, the nearest being about two miles away -- the squat boxcarrier comes out the door as i pull it open, saying "thank you" somewhat politely, but what choice did i have but to hold the door open as they were already bargingly filling the doorway when i reached to pull? -- your tax dollars at work, i'm sure they are on the clock --

i don't have quarters to make the 2.50 i need for the post and the local-local paper (i've mentioned before that i'm supposed to get those, the former b/c j often wants to see it before even leaving the house, and the latter b/c j claims it's insipid and not worth getting so if it's gonna be bought i have to buy it -- but she often reads articles from it that i cull and give her (local-local's a little nostalgic for me, b/c the same company publishes it as published the daily and sunday paper we got where i grew up c. 1970, and even the layout and fonts are similar); j. buys the times at sb, assuming she remembers, and in the a. weekend era i would get it in the manhattan boat terminal on the way home sunday --

anyway, here and now: no quarters, so instead of tossing exactly 2.50 and showing the two papers for whoever's in eyeshot, then scooting out the door again, i have to wait in line behind two people to get change back from my three gripped ones (get rid of the rattier bills; lots of people seem to do that, including businesses) -- but i don't have to wait that long, b/c the biddyladies' hispanic counterguy steps forward between the registers and makes eye contact, holding his hand out for my bills as i show the two papers, which as usual in hopes of facilitating things i've staggered slightly like cards in a pokerhand, while saying "should be twofifty" -- he says nothing, but after dipping into a register hands me two quarters, and i'm outta there --

back to my car, where i have the pinegreen kitchen paper recycling bin in the footwell of my pinegreen suburbanite fourdoor -- often i do that, if dumping the recycling on the way out for the sunday paper, which happens frequently, given the anticipated imminence of practically a whole container full of sundaypaper discards -- to keep myself from rushingly forgetting the container leaning on the deathseat, i usually toss my two papers in the empty container and carry them into the house that way --

as often, i have to clean the car up after j., who considers that sort of thing trivial, but does not consider nagging me about anything i leave around trivial, what else is new -- she's left balledup bits of burgerking napkin from noseblowing or carwiping, often leaves snack wrappers, or the results of opening food in the car -- either by the rear crack of the deathseat, if deliberately left, or, if carelessly lost, down in one of the footwells -- i toss a couple of wasteitems on top of the newspapers for disposal in the kitchen garbage inside, not *too* much of an inconvenience --

in, and after sorting out my recycling container prizes i put a pot of water in the microwave for eight minutes to make myself a pot of earlgrey -- i like the smell of that one -- j. only has one of her tetley's british blend teabags left, don't wanna use it up on her -- i really shouldn't use her tea at all, given the 'separateness of food and money' thing, but she doesn't stick consistently to that herself (eats my frozen dinners or soups if the mood strikes) -- and the later she's tending to skew in her risingtimes, the more i've felt i need extra caffeine, and calculated that she should mitigate that, really --

tea drunk and paper partly triaged and read, i head to the bottom of the stairs to the upper floor and say "it's 810, no problem, just letting you know," in an even and not annoyed or sarcastic tone (gotta watch and control those voicetones...) -- that's the point (calling her) at which i often do the dog uncaging -- releasing two clumsy clanky latches, upper and lower, i let him out, whereupon he selects a spot nearby and stretches multiple times, front and back, just as far and for as long as he can stretch -- then goes back inside his cage to sit and wait -- he really wants her to come down, so things can get started and he can go outside, so sometimes he'll either stay in the cage, or sit or lie by the babygate that keeps him from getting upstairs, staring toward the stairwell, and listening for sounds of her getting up and doing catlitter --

also, he has a new fleecybed in his cage since recently, and after he started chewing the stuffing out of it the first saturday night a few hours after she bought it, j. as usual tried to deal with a problem by adding a new not-allowed rule, in this case that the cage must be closed during the day so he cannot get in there and chew at it and ruin it right away -- he likes to chew the stuffing (little cottonbally things) that fill the tubular rim of the bed -- of course, he has plenty of chance to chew it at night, and does somewhat, but she does what she thinks she can -- and his reaction is to be in the cage as much as he can; he doesn't like being excluded from his own turf -- before the keep-door-locked-always rule was passed down, he used to like lying in there during the day sometimes, but it's been cut off his list of options now -- so back in he goes for the few remaining minutes before she comes down -- i drop the first of his usually three or four morning milkbones through two wires of his cageroof, like aerial bombing, and it drops in front of him -- he always takes one end gingerly in his teeth, lips pulled back, lifts it just enough that the other end is just off the ground, and then swivels his head like a crane to where he can close his paws on either side of the thing and grip it in place, for him to chew the top off of -- probably exactly what his gggggggg-grandpappy did with bones back in the horn of africa --

shit, fecal urgency for me -- damn, i strip shirt and sweatshirt in one motion, then shoes, then pants, and sit down with underwear around my shins -- i wish that would always predictably happen when i first get up, before any shower and putting on of clothing, much easier that way, but sometimes only after i'm up and around for awhile, moving about (and caffeine doesn't hurt, i imagine) do my viscera finally decide to get with the program and wake up too -- at which point the rest of my body is further along and not necessarily in synch with what peristalsis urges -- and as i sit in comes the dog, as almost always, wants to peer through the little gap between the seat and the bowlrim, watching, sniffing, listening, the damn bitch -- well, i'm obliged to be involved in his evacuative process; he sees me picking it up and messing with it most days after he's obviously put a lot of effort into deciding just where he wants it -- turnabout is fair play, i guess -- but having him look feels a little pervy, really -- i push him back when he squeezes forward to stand between my legs, so he takes up a new position in the doorway a couple of feet to the side, from where he can still see and smell between seat and rim -- i give up --

afterwards, figuring j. wll be here to brush her teeth any time, i take the can of vanilla spray from the ear end of the top shelf above the toilet and do a quick stab at cover up -- back in 03, during the k. era, i bought this same can at cvs on the way home from dropping k. off, one tu. or th. midafternoon -- she liked to use perfume, and i was worried that j. would come home and smell it, so i figured the idea of vanilla to hide bathroom use would cover any perfumescent up without arousing suspicion sa to why i was doing that -- actually, i don't know that j. ever got home early enough to smell even the vanilla, but i had never done anything like that before (have an affir, and at home during the day), so i was trying to keep her from starting to be suspicious, an idea that eventually had to go in spring 04 when the most easy time for rnl to meet seemed to be between 10pm and 5am -- i never used the glade french vanilla spray that much, only for weekly or biweekly k. visits from maybe late march till early fall 03 -- during the whole rnl era i was never home and awake and in possession of extra time and energy enough to use it for its purported purpose -- it's a good three and a half years old now, and gets used only on weekend mornings if i am late with this process and am worried about j. odor critique -- of couse, she has a bathroom upstairs where she could brush her teeth in the morning before coming down, just as she actually does upon arriving down here, but she reserves that upstairs one for overnight toilet usage and cat litter (the tub is full of catrelated stuff) -- j's always liked to criticize bathroom smells, but is big on sitting in there with the paper herself on weekend mornings --

after going into the kitchen and returning some minutes later, i notice there's still another smell detectable besides vanilla -- i figure taking a shower may resolve the problem -- it takes threefour minutes for water to get warm here on the second floor of this late-19C house, so i run it till there's some perceptible heat and steam, and then i use her soap and, afterwards, her deodorant -- haven't been to the asian store since august, and my deodorant stick is still the one a. likes, so i am trying to keep it from running out -- i think i got it at the cvs in like sept 05, and last month i noticed it is getting down to where it's nearly gone -- gotta get another, at some point, it's not a bad scent -- i always check to make sure i haven't left any pit hair on her roller (you have to twiddle it a little with your finger to check, and look around the top end of the rollon cylinder), then place it back where it was, acing the direction it was facing when you picked it up --

anyway, she's not up till nearly nine today -- has an english muffin that she got with o.j. and other nonfood items at terget yesterday -- that's the first groceryshopping she's done in maybe a good three weeks -- last sunday was her manhattan memorial service, and the whole weekend before that was upstate with her childhood neighbor --

since she's so late and acting very agitated, i volunteer to harness and leash him and take him quickly to the yard to pee, lest he fail to hold it -- down the porchsteps to the walk, he spots a wetspot that must be from the nextdoor gayguy's dog -- i sometimes see gayguy letting his dog walk offleash with him around the house to the basement doing laundry, and i know sunday morning is a common laundry time for them -- roxy's spot is six feet off the front porch on our side of the house (the side gayguy normally walks around to get to the basement, for some reason -- sunnier, maybe) -- bubby adds his parallel spot three feet closer to the bottom of the porchstairs, then on the way back in, at the top of the porchstairs, he stops to sniff roxy's probably fairly fresh invisible pawpad marks on the other side of the porch --

inside, as i stand at the kitchen counter fastreading my salvaged tissues from the sunday papers --

relational "dialogue" 33

j.: really, you should write a novel, you know

g. papergazing; no comment or positionchange

j.: like you said you would when i first met you

g. papergazing; no comment or positionchange

j.: you need to get a muse, obviously i'm not it

g. papergazing; no comment or positionchange


on im w/ a. for a few moments, 940, finally out 945, that's close to or maybe a record --

on way up, by the hospital, j. suddenly shouts over her shoulder, "thanks for the EGG!!" -- i'd been looking at the paper, reading something triaged this morning, while she had the dog on the leash -- i look back at her and am wondering what she's talking about, and she says the neighbor that i think egged our windshield nearly a week ago just passed us going the opposite direction -- either he'll be guilty, she says, and will know we're on to him, or else if he's not guilty than he probably won't even think he's being talked to at all, certainly won't feel hurt -- ok, that works... she claims every so often that, since starting to take lexapro nearly three years ago now, she is wildly frank sometimes with people -- hmmm

on way up to coffee, dog craps on weensy bit of citystrip by the street in front of the last house before the cvs -- i comment that our constant falling back has shifted him from going on the banklot, which seems optimal, to going in places people are more likely to have a problem with and maybe challenge us on -- she thinks i'm bossy for mentioning that -- she gets her revenge by saying i should clean my room (i get galled by the dog knocking papers on the floor all the time, so since late august i've left them in a a carpet anywhere from a fraction of an inch to an inchplus thick -- i know i ought to clean it up, but i keep saying to myself: after x, after y, after i'm caught up with lj, etc. -- is it partly depression? hostility? i wonder about a.'s motivations for her frequently far more blatant and extensive residential messiness (i know where things are, have 95 % of my stuff in alpha order or some other file system -- but a small piles of papers spread out thinly across a floor can change the look of a room, despite not amount to much, relatively) -- anyhow, j. complains the rest of the way up to the sb, says it's depressing, a fire hazard (she's been scared of fire since she was a little kid), etc. --

sb: they bring out the round parisianparkstyle table and two metal and wood chairs -- often they haven't done it yet when we get here, and it's not exactly early in the day -- this place opens at 7, or earlier most days, and having been in here early a few times it's obvious that they have much more time to bring it out around seven than around nine or ten, which on a weekend is their longline time -- maybe they're hoping no one will ever want it; good luck with that, till the weather really turns, some weeks from now -- first freeze here is usually around 20 nov. --

while sitting and drinking, i'm digesting out bits of wording and ideas, from the frontpage and two sectionone jumppages of the local-local paper, about how much this part of the city 9where j. was born in 51, and where we moved in 79) has grown in the last few decades -- ever since the early years of our marriage i have tended to digest out bits of the paper that i figure will be of interest to her, but that she doesn't want to read herself -- have to be careful about that; always have had to be: if she is doing anything else at all, she'll claim she can't take the stress of trying to concentrate on two things at once -- but here she has just the post, and does not seem that engrossed this morning -- no snap --

the dog won't drink a small puddle of coffee any more, which he used to in spring and summer -- i kind of had a sense of this, had stopped offering him some habitually back in aug or sept when he stopped finishing it (i don't want to leave a puddle out here for a later customer or employee to notice or have to work with) -- but today he gets agitated and stands with his front paws on the edge of the table, threatening to tip and spill things -- but then he hardly starts in on the tablespoon or so i give him, which spreads into a gradually larger pool at our feet -- j. goes in and gets a free cup of tapwater to wash it, i assume, into the gutter of the stripmall parkinglot, a foot or so away (this table nearly fills the small stripmall walkway at the far end of the sb, which stands at the corner of the series of stores) -- but j washes it further under the table instead -- o well -- after she sits again, i mention the article i saw in the post this morning about mcd imitating sb, and we recall the contrary imitation we saw here yesterday (but not today) --

home, and she starts her laundry -- usually she starts it mid to late afternoon sunday after napping, but she hasn't been home the last two sundays -- with both of us in the kitchen for a bit, she says, 'so when can i retire?' -- 'up to you,' i say, 'i dont know anything about your finances or benefits' -- is she trying to start a serious discussion (if so, she doesn't follow through), or trying to vent accumulated negative energy by starting a fight (which she used to do virtually every weekend prior to going on her ssri) -- i focus on clinking and plopping five new sets of pills into small white arzberg coffeecups that i've diverted for that purpose (since we never use them as actual drinking cups) -- i have four cups, and then the fifth set is for today; my last set ran out yesterday -- the fifth set goes on the british countryscene saucer that i will soon place upside down on the square of four touching cups, to keep water etc. away till i get to them, monday through thursday -- i used to be much more systematic about my pills before the dogwalk-with-coffee took me off my homecoffee-and-pills morninghabit -- and i recall that last night i again forgot my evening pills, one sugareater and the cholesteroleater -- so hard to recall pills in the evening, since i don't really have a clear discrete mealtime, usually --

j. proposes that i clean bathroom and she'll clean the kitchen -- ok, i normally do the full bathroom cleaning endmonth (she never does it, but claims she is too weak), so this is close enough -- and then i'll do it again atv tgiving and xmas, so that works out -- and, i don't say, the huge pile kicthentable pile of opened and unopened mail and unread newspapers (whole and parts), really probably no smaller than the sum total of what's on the floor in my room, is all hers anyhow, so she has to be the one to deal with it -- there are definitely bills and so on in there she needs to retain, and maybe things in the old papers for her to read or otherwise deal with -- she has strips i tear from the bottom of one post page every day with sets of lottolike numbers on it, their daily scratchoff game -- she she likes to play the game, though every single day it's five scratchoffs where four are winners and one makes it a loser -- gee, that isn't too obvious is it -- and if i didn't find the page in the post every day where the numbers are at the bottom and rip it off for placement on the table, she either wouldn't be able to play the game, or else we'd have a foot tall stack of old papers on the table when, as often, she gets a week or two behind on scratchoffs --

anyhow, she and i are reading in the kitchen, and i am placing sections and sheets she might want to see on the table next to where she is reading the post and parade -- every few minutes she yells at me for a moment, if she thinks that in her peripheral vision, or by a quick sidewards checkglance, i am looking at my fingers preparatory to biting one, or if i clear my throat for a fraction of a second, or if she hears a paper crinkle too loudly or rip -- she always says paper noises "shred my nervous system," sometimes clarifying that her mother drank, so she probably had mild fetal alcohol syndrome and is very jumpy and things bug her; she can't help it she says; i shouldn't be so selfish, she says --

seeing her agitation, the dog again gets agitated, and begins gnawing on the middle shelf (for him, right at mandible level) of the blond microwave stand right behind j's kitchentable chair -- and when we call him on that ("no! stop!" etc.), he turns back toward the leftmost rear window, the one a foot from j's left elbow, stands up with his front paws on the sill, and checks out back -- not his most common activity --

on i.m. w/ a., 1058-1105 (she was afk when i first got home) -- she's getting out of shower and running off to therapy, asking about what it's like out in order to select her outerwear -- she's vague in response to my generic query about upcoming therapysession content, but does say there's lots to get to, and that the new pill and pilldoc, and what she didn't and didn't tell him monday, are part of it --

11something to 1something: j. decides to clean her stuff off the kitchen table and adjacent counter, after many weeks of cumulative benign neglect -- basically the stuff just mentioned, plus other gems such as c/c receipts going back to august, opened healthinsurance account mailings, etc. -- over ninety percent goes, after a short glance, into the paper recycling bin, which had gotten filled up with sundaypaper throwaways since i emptied it this morning, but which she empties again on one of her basement trips to move her laundry process forward -- just from what she tosses from the tabletop the twentyinch bin gets filled halfway again -- we are really purging treeware here today, but tuesday morning is weekly recycling pickup, so we'll have an empty bin outside again soon -- "and every day the paperboy brings more" --

meanwhile, i'm reading sundaypaper stuff at the other kitchen counter (the white foodprep counter; her storagepile stuff had been sitting on the old black counter under the old whitepainted cabinets, behind me in the long narrow kitchen) -- in between bits of reading i clean out the sink (dirty dishes dealt with, then positioned in the dishwasher) -- and then i clean the sink itself with some bonami (crap builds up on its metal floor and sides every week), as well as the white foodprep counter that i'm standing at, which accumulates stains and crumbs and the like over the course of a week or two --

130-245, i go to clean the bathroom, after finishing the paper -- almost a ritual: first, two sopadishes from opposite sides of the rear end of the showerstall, to be gotten out of the way, with any cruddy crap in the bottom swished with water in the sink, thumbnailed loose where needed after that -- then reswished, and placed on the toilet tank top for now -- shower curtain gets pulled out of the way and draped over the sink to keep it out of the way during tubscrub -- and then i tippytoe to grab the huge pink plastic glass that i've used to do this for at least ten years, maybe rather longer than that: it contains two yellow latex gloves that j. would use if she were doing this (happens rarely, once a year or less), but that i don't bother with; onto the toilet tank top with them, too -- also out of the pink glass comes the dirtgreyish pink sponge, which used to be at the leftrear corner of the kitchen sink but, following the usual course of spongedepreciation hereabouts, is now a tub and bathroom sponge -- i also fetch the comet off the top shelf, from next to where the pink glass had been, and place it on the sinkrim -- it always carries an uneven lightgreen layer of dry, but initially moisturecreated, grit --

i then turn on the tubwater, repeatedly mostlyfilling the pink glass to swish water fairly systematically around till the tub and lower parts of the stalltile are wetted, as well as the faucet and spigot -- turning off the water, i take and shake comet (not too much; enough) around the tub and lower wall, then leave it to soak or whatever for a few minutes (a little break and so-something-else pause for me) -- and then, back in, i wet the greypink tubsponge in the sink for a moment, then squeeze it out again so there'll be more comet and less water involved in the imminent stage --

and then the hardest part: i scrub with as much strength as i have to get the coatings and streaks of greybrownblack dirt off the old porcelain (that shiny coating was long gone when we arrived here nearly fifteen years ago, but it is a classic old tub and utterly serviceable) -- some parts yield, leaving white, more easily than others -- when everywhere's visibly scrubbed (sudsy evenish coating, rather than a sprinkle pattern), i leave it sit a bit more, to rest and cool off a tad myself (read? keyboard? etc.) -- and then i turn the tubwater on again, filling and splashing pinkglass after pinkglass till any of the greenbrown mix of cometgrit and dirt not yet down the drain have been washed into a thin line of sediment, almost beachy looking, that runs down the lower part of the center of the tub --

then, a visual check (the bathroom lights are on for all this, even with afternoon light already pouring through the southfacing showerstall window) -- rescrub, with still cometgritty sponge, any problem spot -- and then rerinse, making sure the grit's all washed down the drain, and everything looks nice -- ok, good -- no need to do that for awhile -- i think it's been well over a month, maybe two, since i did that, probably was not focused on it at the end of sept, when i'd normally have done it -- there was a time when i did this every other week and j. would bug me to if i didn't (back in the pre-03 days when i liked to do things to please her and keep her from being angry or naggy or cross) -- but this summer it just seemed to float off my mental map -- i still know the ritual, though; all these moves were worked out by trial and error, analytical refinement, over a period of years --

then, before the faster and easier remainder of the room, an extra step this time: one morning this week (thur., i think; i noticed it friday) j. pulled the new shower curtain too hard and broke the plastic ring through the ringhole nearest the rear end of the stall, the spot where we get in and out every day (that's always the hole that gets ripped, far from the first time it's happened) -- i locate my clear heavyduty packing tape on top of the big bookcase in my room (which i used to use to mail people homeburned music cd's) -- then i pull, visually guesstimate, and toothtear a piece off, folding it carefully in half over both side of the top of the curtain, centered right above the hole -- this creates an invisible seal for the rip that was leaving the curtain to droop at the business end -- and now all i need to do it fetch a small steak knife from the kitchen to pokecut a hole where the old hole was, so i can work the ringknob back through it, and then click the ring shut and locked, and voila -- you'd have to stand on a chair and stare now, to spot the flaw -- ok, good -- onward -- i try to remind j. again, in a totally nonconflicty fashion, to pull the curtain gently sideways without putting any downward weight on it (only significant downward stress would have broken the factory ringhole through at the top) -- fortunately she is not recalcitrant and lashy -- but i bet she couldn't break open a double layer of the packingtape anyhow --

tub done, i turn to the sink, and as i start swishing i realize that i may as well scissor my moustache and eyebrows, which i need to do every couple of weeks anyhow, and they've been feeling and looking longish to me since lateweek -- i have to rinse the whole sinksurround surface anyhow -- a coupledozen quicks snips, make it even, no bareish spots, and then with wetted hand push and wash the layer of black and a few greyish hairs into the sink and down the drain, with a mix of hot and cold water (all cold is a little painful, all hot it unbearable) -- some of the hairs fall on the porcelain inwall toothbrusher holder that j uses a a stand for one of her facewashes, others even cling to the mirror -- but i have to swish and wipe those areas anyway, toothpaste spray is visible everywhere -- then wipe my hand around the hot and cold handles embedded in the rear of the sinksurround as water runs slowly, rinsing my hand repeatedly and wiping further till no more hair is visible -- i wipe the wetted lower part of the mirror off with with a bit of toiletpaper till its dry and unstreaky -- then scrub around the old white porcelain sink (surround and basin), and rinse well -- looks pretty good --

finally, flush toilet, let it refill, dump some comet here too, swish with white toilet brush with raggedy dogchewed handle, rub some under the bowlrim and also down into the exithole -- then let it sit a bit, handle resting on the rim -- flush again, check visually, redo some spots if looking needed -- wipe hair off rim and rear of toilet with a bit of tp, and with another bit wipe off the top, after moving the soapdishes back to the stall, the playtex gloves to the sinksurround, and j's basket of elastic hairbands, combs, a showercap, etc. -- then basket goes back on toilet tank top, and playtex gloves go above sponge in pink glass, which with comet goes back up on the far right side of the higher overtoilet shelf -- flush toilet again --

all is lookin good -- and now i don't need to think about that again for two to four weeks -- i used to think of this whole process as pleasing j., showing it to her afterwards, asking if it's ok or not -- but now it is just lifemaintenance; nothing can change what's really problematic about what she can or can't do in our interrelations -- she usually mops the bathroom floor every so often; that's never been part of my bathroomcleaning duties -- well, maybe she'll get to it --

midaftenoon, j. goes out on carerrands, including to visit recuperating mom in hospital up street -- i have time to talk with a., who's gotten home from midday therapy just before three -- unusually, she comments on the objective world around her (leaves changing this week, which they have been; i mention that it really hasn't been below 40 yet, so things are changing late, slowly, somewhat dully: not very dramatically this year) -- apparently she cried a lot in therapy, which whether or not it is intended to get me to probe, is naturally going to have that effect, and does -- she's "tired, overwhelmed, thinking too much" (3:02:51 PM), weird dreams, cutting, sad, "i didn't tell you" (3:03:27 PM), "i've been keeping all my secrets of late" (3:03:45 PM) -- i reply, "that's why you go for naps and to sleep early and are not on im or the phone as much" (:49) -- she says she also felt sad anxious hurt etc. at 8 10 y.o., still does today, trying to figure out why -- she's leery to go into detail, thinks it isn't safe, might only make her feel a lot worse -- we talk some about timeframe; things have been getting worse since around her birthday the end of last month, hence the referral to the psychopharmacologist at midmonth -- she's started cutting, an old habit which she hadn't gone back to in several years -- has been since back around her birthday --

i speculate (3:22) that "it's about 'i'm 40 and where am i and where do i want to be and how do i get there' in various lifeareas," which she says (3:23) "seems a bit simplistic, but as an overview, probably not bad, fairly inclusive" -- and then she admits she is leaving details out, things from dreams, images, concerns (3:24-26) -- she says my being there would help, and i'd like to, but i point out that she hasn't even been on i.m. or the phone that much recently, partly b/c of the problems on her end -- i suggest she could maybe come up with an afternoon this week when she knows she'll be home at foursomething rather than sixish --

trying to be constructive, i say the pill only affects feelings, it doesn't change underlying lifeproblems, that along the latter lines she has her two things to work on from our long "a.'s lifestuff" i.m.: healthstuff, and cleaning up -- she says she's done a lot of medical stuff (g.p., psych, dentist, obgyn) -- her doc wanted her dizziness thing to be gone before talking about any major weightstuff -- and she can't clean up b/c of the dizziness -- stooping makes her almost pass out -- i say if i came out we/i could do a little then -- she says mon. and thur. are out, so we'll think about the other three days --

and it turns out the last time she cut was this morning, right after i left on the dogwalk and she knew she had most of an hour without having to worry about interacting with me -- i suggest doing mentally what she does when physically cutting, without the actual act, because it's really a mental process she's engaged in anyhow with this -- then, when i ask, she says a week ago she told her psych she'd started again, but hasn't told pillguy -- i tease her, saying it's passe doing that, was old news several years ago, "nothing worse than being trendy with a passe trend" (3:51) -- she says it's still a hot topic, and i tease that it's just been mainstreamed is all, and hence is boozhie, was even on the front page of the sunday local-local paper in 04; that is definitely jumping the shark, "like totally last week" -- she says she's maybe just retro then -- at 3:54 i ask what the weird dream was she mentioned earlier -- she says no way, but i immediately guess that it's 1. sexual, then 2. onanistic, and then 3. involved hurting herself -- when i ask (3:56:39 PM) "with an instrument?" she immediately logs off -- so after waiting a bit for her to come back, i call her at 406pm and we talk about things for 13 minutes --

things are getting somewhat serious with her -- i hope the pill kicks in soon, doesn't seem like it has at all yet -- and i hope i can help and not hurt -- so hard for us to really know, let alone have true control of, how we affect other people --

j's at mom's (hospital, then mom's apt to pick things up for her, then hospital and back to apt again; they're about a mile apart) -- i'm at home and, not having eaten much all day, i finish the last of the tall (850g) jar of cherri brand sushiginger i bought early in the year -- shouldn't have neglected it in the summer; it's got a tinge of brown from either jarair or vinegaracid, tastes only sour (the sweet flavorcomponent's gone) -- and then i open and start on the new smaller jar i bought in my big asian store shopping expedition just before j. took the car upstate in august -- i also eat the last 99cent honeydew melon that i got on special early last month -- amazing how long they last in a refrigerator -- a round spore of faint mold was starting on the outside of the shell, but the palegreen inside flesh was fine --

j. cellcalls just before arriving home, wants me to meet her at the car so we can go to chinese at the place she's usually used for that for a decade and more now -- it's barely a block from the mcd's we walked to in the summer, and hardly further than that from mom's apt a block north -- we used to worry in coming here that she'd show up there some time and make a scene or something -- we know she goes there too -- but we always lucked out, and mom's in the hospital, and j. doesn't have time for groceries or kitchenfood and doesn't want to restauranteat alone -- i'm her ken doll, really, in a way -- i meet her at the curb a minute or two after she pulls up; don't keep her waiting, she'll get angry -- and as we drive the mile or so to the restaurant j. says her mom out of the blue today commented "your dad was a bum fuck," i.e., bad in bed -- i comment back that that is a strange thing for a normal person to say, but she's not a normal person -- i don't comment on the fact that if mom's being accurate, there might be a genetic aspect to j.'s relative disinterest in sex --

we're seated in the restaurant, but after being asked once if we want to order when but we're not quite decided yet, we are left to sit for well over five more minutes in a nearly empty place (sunday night, mainly an eatathome night, only two other tables in use) -- when i check my watch and mention the timing, j. stands up and heads to the orderdesk to complain, and less than a minute later the female owner (it's owned and run by a couple) comes and take the order -- i order what i usually order, since the diabetes diagnosis, which is a subgum egg foo young with sauce on the side (j. often has some of that as well, and prefers it without sauce for weight and health reasons; i spoon a moderate amount of sauce on my e.f.y. as i eat it -- it comes as three small omelets) -- j. asks for steamed vegetables with tofu, which has been her most common entree for the past several years (lowercal) --

ten minutes later, when the entrees come, j. is sighing before they even come into my line of sight from behind me -- she meant to ask for sauce on the side, but didn't, and now it's got sauce on it -- the lady almost shakes her finger at j. (her revenge for the delay complaint), as j. says yes it is her mistake, but she still didn't want sauce -- after some pushing on both sides, j. accepts it and will scrape off as much sauce as she can, and the ownerlady is lecturing her about how the sauce is fine, no msg, etc. -- for many years i would get mortified in public if j. created some sort of scene -- i just didn't like conflict, and didn't like potentially critical attention from others -- but i am a lot more comfortable with that than i used to be, even if my mode is sometimes till similar to back then: stay out of it --

at the end, we get our fortunes -- mine is "Dance like no one is watching. Lucky numbers 4, 21, 23, 43, 37, 19" -- and she says hers doesn't make any sense to her, must really be for me, hands it across: "Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort. Lucky numbers 27, 33, 41, 38, 22, 10" --

and so home, in full dark, during the 7pm hour --

a.'s on im at 909, says she turned herself 'invisible to everyone' at 356, didn't ever log off -- she's threequarters done with her big set of grading for ninth grade, has tenth grade to do after that -- j. to bed by ten, i haven't been pinged by a., i keep an eye on aac while typing other stuff -- at 1048, a.'s on i.m. to woohoo that ninth grade is done, she can turn those in tomorrow, then tenth on tuesday -- at 1103 we have a 12-minute phonecall -- then back to typing and aac for me -- then (emoticons not added back in by hand):

A (10/23/2006 12:29:20 AM): i hope you aren't really still up
A (10/23/2006 12:29:27 AM): not quite sure why i am!
G (10/23/2006 12:29:28 AM): me?
A (10/23/2006 12:29:33 AM): but i'm headed for bed soon
G (10/23/2006 12:29:36 AM): how far along are you?
A (10/23/2006 12:29:36 AM): yes, you
A (10/23/2006 12:29:43 AM): shouldn't you be sleeping?
A (10/23/2006 12:29:51 AM): i finished one 10th grade
A (10/23/2006 12:30:01 AM): still have two sections to do
A (10/23/2006 12:30:15 AM): going to do those tomorrow and deal with whatever happens
G (10/23/2006 12:30:15 AM): ok, so you'll finish tomorrow during the day? or stay up more?
G (10/23/2006 12:30:18 AM): ok
G (10/23/2006 12:30:29 AM): i'll be asleep by 1
A (10/23/2006 12:30:36 AM): i hope i will be too
A (10/23/2006 12:30:40 AM): sleep well
G (10/23/2006 12:30:48 AM): ok, tty tomorrow evening
G (10/23/2006 12:30:51 AM): have a good one
G (10/23/2006 12:30:54 AM): night
A (10/23/2006 12:31:03 AM): night

what's got me still up is that chatty twatty on aac has been arguing with annoying guys in the room, and is greening me (pm'ing me) about it -- about 145 i tell him i have to get to bed -- ok, i can see how rnl got sucked into a timesuck e-world in the first half of 05, but i can also see i would never let it happen to me, not really in any hardcore way -- some interest: but not that interesting, not interesting enough to lose your life over -- i'll write more about what i laern from and work on in aac some day when i'm not writing 9000 words before i get to it --

gotta get some sleep --

[and that's what i can get down for a date when i actually took some contemporaneous notes -- i'm finalizing the entry early in dec. --

each day in anyone's life involves so much -- ]
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sunday writing writing 86: new uses for lj, after 1 jan 07 [Oct. 22nd, 2006|02:39 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |bouncyfuturistic]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |rec'tly str'md Guardians of Time "Machines of Mental Design"]

as per last week's sww, i've been thinking that after the first of the year i'll go down to one or two lifechronicle entries a week here, dropping the daily entry rule i set for myself back in rnl-waaaaaaaaaiting mode in early 05, when i tended to write only short entries anyway --

one idea i've had recently is to use this (or, another lj account???) as a place to work out bits of writing, developing ideas and recording progress and keeping cumulative drafts, on a daybyday basis -- one reason that's impt is for me to pace myself, monitor how i move forward, bug myself, and alter things if i am not progressing the right way --

in fact, the idea of webrecording the development of writing (via blog, website, etc.) is interesting and useful -- have been thinking about that recently -- there's an article in sunday nytimes arts & lesiure about sb tying in with things in the culture to brand itself and create a larger experience than flavored hot water -- not that i am thinking about sb -- but that the www is still in its infancy, and important things will happen there that have not begun to do so yet, and that it is a field open to me: minor entry cost, no gatekeeper -- and no guarantee of a given response of course, but a guarantee of freedom of thought and expression --

the exact opposite, ironically, of academia -- yes, i've gotten published everything academic i've ever sent out, since oct 96, a decade now, with one exception that was outside my field -- but in academic writing, no matter what you write and how carefully there are always a million knowitalls, in processing positions, who usually know less than you but who nonetheless are trying to prove to themselves that they are righter than anyone by telling you what you should or must change -- long timedelays, huge revisional and editiorial efforts, and all for only modest at best, and sometimes flatout questionable, benefit --
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weekend! [Oct. 21st, 2006|10:39 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |uncomfortabledealing with what comes...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Elton John, "Saturday Night's Alright"]

just before awaking, i am dreaming (about the only time i ever recall them): hazy as soon as i'm really awake, but something about teaching and women, some sort of current liferevierw, i'd wager -- there was a female in it who knew me for a long time and didn't like me (j??? rnl?), and another who i seemed to know more recently and liked me (a combo, maybe, of 05-06 stuff, with maybe a. first and foremost) -- don't recall faces, though; these id's are sheerly retrospective speculation --

flow of the drea: anxiety early on, woman who no longer likes me, woman who seems attracted but i know doesn't know me that long and therefore well -- this anxietyfeeling dream then evolves or transitions into a more purely negative dream, with a more definite or , at least, clearly recalled plot: i have to go back into a classroom where i've forgotten something, and in there are a fair number of students for the next class, and maybe the prof -- i have been teaching in a bathrobe and boxers, and i have to turn my back to the students and slip off the boxers, dropping them, picking them up, tying my robe closed, and leaving gracefully, as if i have no problem -- maybe that's me feeling insecure and stupid about jobstuff, perhaps triggered most directly by the classes attendance issue on friday --

i recall a similarly vivid workrelated dream i had in 95 about nyu, about wandering the empty halls there alone and somehow knowing i didn't work there any more, back in a period when the old faculty were being grandfathered without any publications and i was worried about my own status there, despite the deans assurances of fairness -- totally before the problems came out in the open in the 96-98 era -- sometimes i have seemingly prophetic dreams -- is this one about me worrying on some level about not being here any more -- the oneclass cutback, my application to teach electronically through t., and so on??

paperrun deviation: i park in my usual spot (usual, that is, when there's no scofflaw illegallyparked cop by the biddystore to worry me about gettin a ticket) -- which is, on my street, on this side of the intersection from where the biddystore sits -- to park there i can come around the corner and thus be past the red light, braking to a halt on the east side of the street, leaving no other light between me and the house on my short second leg home -- paper in hand, i can hop in the car and, after one short acceleratorpump, roll on home down the moderate but definite slope to some parkingspot, usually in front of or across from the house, depending on my sense of the car's next usage -- the only thing i have to watch out for, as i start up, are cars hauling ass on two wheels around the corner, less than a hundred feet behind me, as i am about to start moving forward and back into the traffic lane -- it's a nostanding spot i'm in, but this whole side of the street is always empty at 6-7am, and i'm only here 60-90 seconds -- it's getting back moving that i really need to eagle eye --

so back in the car i check the driverside mirror, where i see a dumpy van is turning the corner -- ok, he'll be by me in a sec and i'll pull out behind him -- but he and i are at cross purposes, because it's just before seven and as it turns out he is hauling ass to make the beginning of his shift -- and on top of that his planned route takes him down a hospital service road i virtually never see used, the one that's a parking space or two in front of where i'm parked -- in the interests of efficiency and ontimeness, he not makes his left turn at the main corner on two wheels but then immediately corners right to hit the service road that i have never actually seen anyone use since i started stopping here (let alone all the zillions i times i have driven or walked past this point, other than on paper runs) -- he's on macro perspective, hauling ass around two corners about a hundred feet apart, with a clock to beat (um, NO turn signal going at all, btw -- turn signals are pretty obvious in the halflight this early in the a.m.) -- and meanwhile i'm on micro perspective, thinking that speedingass van in my mirror is already on top of me, 'll be by me before i can even get my foot down on the gas -- fortunately i am also watching really closely, because in the dawnlight i see the side of his van swerving rightward and cutting a foot or two in front of me as i start to press the gas -- both he and i come to a total halt for a couple of seconds, my left bumper barely a foot from his right side despite hardly having moved (two or three feet?) -- and, seeing i've aborted my movement, he slams down his gas to spurt forward again and is gone --

ok, that was closer than i'd have liked, especially at this time of morning when there's so little traffic on the streets: but remember, right here in front of the hospital at this time of morning it's sort of a mini rush hour of desperate drivers who haven't really left themselves enough cushion to get to their 7-to-3's comfortably on time, hence trying to make a second or two up here and there to avoid getting spoken to or docked -- hell, if they were better planners they probably wouldn't be doing 7-to-3 jobs anyhow, duh -- but i can't change them; i just have to be more careful, defensive driving and all that --

anyhow, on home with the paper, then reading swiftly while prepping and quaffing a cup of caffeinetea to hold me till j's up -- later and later as the sun gets later and later -- i try to finish the paper before she's up if possible, and if i don't quite make it then i give her the outside sheets that i'm done with when she's ready to sit down at the table on the morning's she ingests before leaving --

i miss a. on i.m. at 718am, and fell asleep early last night after two fourhour sleepnights backtoback -- maybe she's gone for her profdevelopment by then --

j. down toward 8, up for coffee, and lo and behold sb is handing out little cut samples from their new mcdonaldsy breakfast sandwiches (english muffin, melted cheese, the usual suspects -- gustatory plagiarism) -- i guess since mcd's decided they weren't going to take sb's more upscale coffee options lying down and began heavily promoing their own wouldbe upmarket coffee this summer, sb has decided to match them, in another area of formerly asymmetric warfare, with an upscaled mcmuffin -- j. has one sample in a cutesy little paper holder, and brings me out two -- the dog then gets a bit torn off the edge of each -- i wonder if sb would be annoyed for me to be giving away their upmarket mcmuffins to a dog: is that taking a sample on false pretenses? but the dog sure scarfs it down -- and as sb goes on to do the same thing again, intermittently, on some future mornings but not others over the next couple of weeks, the dog goes pavlov on me and is constantly bugging me for a breakfast sandwich sample, even if sb isn't giving them out that morning -- actually, that's not a bad endorsement, except for the fact that 'dogfood' has a very negative connotation for people --

downstairs b.f.'s car is not there at all, and her blinds are all set to daytime openings -- bet she never came home last night, maybe a weekend trip, means i don't need to brainstorm weekend ins and outs at all, to avoid a possible encounter that i'd prefer not to have: that's a nice relief for a day or two -- i don't worry on weekdays, b/c unless j. has backed the dogwalk to where it's obscenely behind i have a nearzero risk, at 800/830am, of running into her -- and then when i get home in midafternoon she is long gone, drives to her parents to work about noon or so these days, from what i can tell -- but weekends can be trickier sometimes, making this "where's bf" calculation one of the zillions of little things that i, like man y people, would like not to have to worry about, but have to, somewhat, nonetheless --

up and back --

and back, j. breakfasting and paper reading and then upstairs napping -- i spend maybe three hours, 930ish to 1230ish, writing up the eight reports from my notes (lots of multichoice queries and some narratives), moving them one by one from assigned and due to filed and closed -- easier this time, with more experience, finding solid and nonrepetitive things to say about eight branches/reps/experiences than it was for me to do so about five branches, the last time i did a cluster for this client -- it's a longtime local bank that still uses its local name, but in earlysummer, when i did five, it had been owned for several years by a chain of independent banks with a name to match, but starting last month is a part of a huge banking firm that i think is new to the new york area and trying to establish itself here, as bank of america from the west coast did several years ago -- i've recently seen tons of media ads (newspaper, bus stops, subway ads, etc.) for the name name, colorscheme, logo, etc. -- i'd applied for and been assigned some in sept, but then the whole month had been canceled b/c apparently the new owner was not sure what it wanted yet -- and i suppose now they are trying to find out what their reps are like and how all their new services and promos are being mentioned and suggested, in the trenches -- as usual, i try to be honest without being unfair -- if i'm not sure someone did something problematic, i give an answer i know will not cause a rep a problem -- i feel goodish about the reports: the content, how long it took to do them (there was a little bit of fuckingaround time in the three hours) -- i got only 9's and 8's on my 'reviews' for the last set of five i did for this client, and mentally and motivationally just couldn't get myself to do them thur. evening or any time friday -- they were due yest., but i figure if i have them all in by midday, and they can see they are coming in one at a time starting midmorning, i should be ok -- and in the end i get no 'turn them in immediately or else' email, either robotically or from an actual scheduler --

j. knows i'm working on reports latemorning, decides to take the car and drive to brooklyn to pick up the vacuum that she bought a few weeks back, but that then got broken or wasn't working right during about the second time she used it -- she drove it to brooklyn last sat. i believe -- it's a huge dirtdevil hepa vac with whirling debris collected in two clearplastic vertical cylinders -- and, she found out after it broke, it cannot be serviced without driving it back and forth at least twice over a ninedollar tollbridge -- and i created an ezpass account in spring 04, so i get to pay for it, apparently -- and the gas is coming from a tank i filled -- she always thinks i use the car and the gas more than her, because i use it five weekdays -- but most of those days it gets driven under six miles, and on a weekend she often drains a quarter or a third of a tank without even this month's two 40-mile roundtrips to brooklyn -- ah well, what's that, 9 x 2, plus half a 25-dollar tank of gas -- when she arrives home, she asks me to go down and carry the vac from the rear compartment of the car up several dozen steps and through the house to its assigned position on the other side of the babygate to the upper floor (dogdefense) --

1230-130, catch up on all the emails of various types that have piled up in my inbox, undealt with, since early thursday morning -- meanwhile, news and talk radio as an informational secondchannel companion while i've sat at keyboard -- recently, i keep hearing radio ads for the museums of lower manhattan radio ad campaign -- i got a brochure for those early this year, and a. and i have gone to a number of them: tenement museum, fraunces tavern, skyscraper museum -- always funny to hear a metroareawide ad for something you already personally know -- very different feel from an ad for something you have no experience with or would never consider -- these ads (there are at least two different scripts mentioning a different set of museums) are cutesy, with a fictional streetinterviewer approaching a fictional malefemale couple and implying that, though they know of other culturevulture offerings in manhattan in midtown or uptown, they do not know of these lowermanhattan museums -- within 30 or 60 seconds the couple are convinced --

130ff. aac, some chat there from me --

here's a saved snip from aac chat, just before 4pm (the screen names are actually displayed in anglebrackets in chat, but lj reads anglebrackets as marking off html commands and doesn't display them in the final entry, so i've changed them to curlybrackets):

{snow067} OK I AM GOING TO SAY WELCOME BACK TWATY RIGHT NOW FOR THE REST OF THE DAY CUZ HE LEAVES EVERY 30 SECONDS, WELCOME BACK TWATY
{twatlover} lol fucker
{nymphetymine} Kak no chit ...hes always around...damn dog...lmao
{twatlover} i never left damn it
{boomera69r} <<<----still needs some Nym genes
{sexpotsinca} lol @ snow
{nymphetymine} Amire....ok baby understood
{usmc1973} well i am glad they did....woooohoooo
{boomera69r} i want my own copy
{sexpotsinca} hi zomb!
{biff505} very nice Nymph, I always enjoy you
{twatlover} thanks fucker
{snow067} I feel bad when I dont say it
{twatlover} lol
{twatlover} i know
{zombgod815} hi sexpot
{twatlover} i felt bad yesterday for saying
{twatlover} BRB
** nymphetymine lixxxx sexpot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{kakokie} Nymph is ha ha ha hot
{sexpotsinca} no prob mike, my lil ones in the room, can't show much
{twatlover} mean ass midget
** nymphetymine Boom I'll mail ya some blood babe
** [ME] twatlover is not back
{twatlover} no shit [ME]
{lokeshg} hELLO
{boomera69r} cool ! i know a lab guy that can reproduce just about anything !
{oukingpin} anyone near Oklahoma?
** [ME] twatlover is not quite gone yet
** nymphetymine what ya gunna make Boom?
** twatlover is always gone
{lokeshg} show me your boobs
{twatlover} like snowman said
** nymphetymine ty Kak...smiles I can't help it sometimes
** [ME] twatlover will be leaving soon for a few minutes, this is your only warning
{twatlover} i need a toilet and a fridge in my room

some people are really into it, spend every free minute they have in the room and talking -- twat's probably the chattiest of them all -- i just add something interesting now and then, so far, if i'm paying attention and anything worthwhile comes to mind -- the above bits from me were posted in robinegg blue, as if official notices from the site or something, making fun of how much t.'s in and out of the room while being logged on so much, then talking a huge amount when he's at his keyboard -- anything with two asterisks in front of it is being posted by the chatter with color emphasis, which shows up as robinegg blue in chat (most of chat's in black, against a white background) --

i'm still on the comp about 410, and j.'s on the l.r. couch watching some tv, when the frontdoor bell rings -- it turns out to be j's mom's home health aide, who left the note in our mailbox at the beginning of the week -- i guess this when i hear two femaley voices down the stairwell, and i quietly close my roomdoor and then am able to change quickly from robe to streetclothes as j. brings her upstairs and takes her in the kitchen (only as i type this up am i stricken by the odd coincidental tiein with this morning's dream) -- i go to take the dog on his afternoon walk, which i often do weekend days, so j. has time to socialize and i don't have to worry about being watched and judged by j. or the visitor when i interact or don't interact with them -- i've been procrastinating the dogwalk anyhow, it's only an hour and change till sundown -- out on walk, dog finds a piece of pizzacrust tossed at the edge of a sidewalk, i refuse to touch the dirty slimy thing to get it out of his mouth, and he ends up eating down his prize in under fifteen seconds -- back home after my 20-minute excursion, i hear j. still socializing with the homehealth person v., was making her tea before i left -- bet v. is angling for another ride home, and i'm right, she's successful (v. doesn't have a car) -- j. leaves with v., 520, to drive her home -- i have freetime again --

while out w/ dog, i've missed a. getting home from training -- too bad (i think) about fall taste of chinatown that i emailed her about earlier in the week -- but she had training till midafternoon, and in any event seems kind of wrapped up in herself, what with trying to adjust to the new pill since tuesday morning --

A (10/21/2006 4:26:39 PM): hi! i think i was searching for my keys when you buzzed [at 718am]. i walked out the door soon after. i see you are idle, i'll be around for a bit, and then it will be nap time again, i think.
A (10/21/2006 4:49:45 PM): well, i'm going to read and or nap - i'll see you online later perhaps.
G (10/21/2006 5:20:49 PM): hi
G (10/21/2006 5:21:12 PM): got interrupted by visitor, then took dog out while visitor was entertained
G (10/21/2006 5:21:19 PM): visitor just left
G (10/21/2006 5:22:01 PM): ttyl
G (10/21/2006 5:22:33 PM): hmm, visitor got here at 410, i went on dogwalk 415, must have just missed you on the front end

no reply, most likely napping again -- somewhat after 600, j.'s home with goodfellas pizza, which she stopped and waited for on the way home; called me briefly from her cell on the way and said that was the plan -- after she arrives, despite being very consciously careful i manage to tumble a tomatosaucy zucchinibit off a slice while picking it up -- it strikes a glancing blow against the edge of the kitchen counter (another halfinch and it would have stayed right there, easy to retrieve and clean up after) -- but no, from there it caroms and plops on my right shoe -- and before i can react physically rather than mentally, it makes one final splatty bounce to a spot under the overhang at the bottom of the cabinets below the counter -- and that makes quite a lot of red mess for one small event --

i wipe the floor and counter with the ratty old heavycleaning sponge (long since graduated past use on foodware), after grabbing it from its perch at the left rear of the kitchen sink; sunday morning i will notice that some sauce is still on my shoe, as i sit them up on the oven prior to putting them on in the morning to go out --

on i.m. w/ a., from 720 till after 9pm, a long convo worth including -- according to microsoftword, where i traded out her yahoo screen name for A and mine for G, i have 242 segments here, she 169 -- but i'll delete some; the first halfhourplus is about the homehealthcare visitor, her training session today, she wanting to do laundry, she being tired due to the new pill, and the delay about my internet teaching application from a few days ago, which i hand't mentioned earlier b/c she and i have not been in touch so much this week a.p. (after pill), and i figured with a few more days there'd be constructive rather than whinysounding news --

so the transcript picks up at 755pm -- emoticons added back in by hand, partly because i am starting to note that a. is using fewer emoticons than she used to -- but nearer the end of the conversation she does start to use them more than in the long earlier stretches of the 720ff discussion from which they are totally absent --

A (10/21/2006 7:55:34 PM): so what are you working on?
G (10/21/2006 7:56:21 PM): well, dunno if i should talk about it
A (10/21/2006 7:56:29 PM): oh
G (10/21/2006 7:56:49 PM): you haven't mentioned lj in weeks, was figuring maybe you're off feed again
A (10/21/2006 7:57:06 PM): i haven't read it in quite a while
G (10/21/2006 7:57:14 PM): figured
A (10/21/2006 7:57:17 PM): not so much for any particular reason
A (10/21/2006 7:57:36 PM): because i hadn't mentioned it?
A (10/21/2006 7:57:46 PM): so, you are working on lj?
A (10/21/2006 7:57:51 PM): or something else?
A (10/21/2006 7:58:02 PM): that i could read eventually in lj?
G (10/21/2006 7:58:03 PM): yep, every week or two you would comment or ask about something, so [since you have not] i figured you weren't seeing it
A (10/21/2006 7:58:39 PM): are you disappointed i'm not reading it?
G (10/21/2006 7:58:58 PM): no big thing, i suspect you worry what you will read
A (10/21/2006 7:59:29 PM): and i'm weird enough - don't need to get weirder on you
G (10/21/2006 7:59:39 PM): well, that is why then
G (10/21/2006 7:59:53 PM): what i just said
A (10/21/2006 8:00:06 PM): i hadn't really thought about it, but you are probably right
A (10/21/2006 8:00:12 PM): that's one of the reasons
G (10/21/2006 8:01:09 PM): others are?
A (10/21/2006 8:01:50 PM): wow, i didn't expect that question
G (10/21/2006 8:02:08 PM): "one of" invited it
A (10/21/2006 8:02:19 PM): i guess it did
A (10/21/2006 8:02:41 PM): in some ways it is a distancing thing
G (10/21/2006 8:02:57 PM): to distance yourself from me?
A (10/21/2006 8:03:15 PM): i can get very wrapped up in you
A (10/21/2006 8:03:22 PM): so, yes, in a way
G (10/21/2006 8:03:34 PM): does it help not to read it then?
A (10/21/2006 8:03:56 PM): well, in some ways i wonder what i miss
A (10/21/2006 8:04:13 PM): but in other ways it keeps me out of that part of your head
A (10/21/2006 8:04:33 PM): and i just take you for face value on IM and phone
A (10/21/2006 8:04:49 PM): or, on the happy occasion you are here
G (10/21/2006 8:04:58 PM): am i different in journal?
A (10/21/2006 8:06:09 PM): sometimes you are more revealing in journal because it is a place to tell what's going on - and you don't always repeat stories
A (10/21/2006 8:06:55 PM): and maybe some things aren't exactly stories i'd want to hear
G (10/21/2006 8:07:22 PM): repeat stories from lj to you?
A (10/21/2006 8:08:05 PM): sometimes
G (10/21/2006 8:08:27 PM): sometimes i tell some stories in journal and not to you in person, is that it?
A (10/21/2006 8:08:50 PM): right
G (10/21/2006 8:09:19 PM): and you worry that some things i dont mention to your face are things you dont want to know
A (10/21/2006 8:09:51 PM): yes
G (10/21/2006 8:10:22 PM): so that's basically the common thread to your concerns, there might be things in there you dont want to know
A (10/21/2006 8:11:16 PM): there are also things in there that i DO want to know, but at the same time not knowing them keeps me a little more distant
A (10/21/2006 8:11:47 PM): i haven't thought this through very carefully - so i'm just saying what i'm thinking right now on the topic
G (10/21/2006 8:13:45 PM): hmm, what kinds of things would you like to know but you keep yourself from in order to feel more distant on purpose?
A (10/21/2006 8:14:32 PM): oh boy, i got your attention with this train of though
A (10/21/2006 8:14:34 PM): t
G (10/21/2006 8:15:08 PM): whenever i encounter anything i'm not already familiar with, i try to factgather and analyze
A (10/21/2006 8:15:25 PM): until you find out you already know it
G (10/21/2006 8:15:45 PM): hmm
G (10/21/2006 8:15:51 PM): being sarcastic? :-)
A (10/21/2006 8:16:01 PM): oh, sorry, actually, no
G (10/21/2006 8:16:07 PM): just wondering
G (10/21/2006 8:16:08 PM): :-P
G (10/21/2006 8:16:26 PM): you never answered the last question
G (10/21/2006 8:16:28 PM): you know
G (10/21/2006 8:16:29 PM): :-P
A (10/21/2006 8:16:32 PM): i know
A (10/21/2006 8:16:41 PM): don't think i'm going to
G (10/21/2006 8:16:52 PM): no wonder it sounded vague to me
G (10/21/2006 8:16:53 PM): :-P
A (10/21/2006 8:17:05 PM): what do you mean?
G (10/21/2006 8:17:54 PM): your comment about "kinds of things would you like to know but you keep yourself from in order to feel more distant on purpose" sounded vague to me which is why i asked about it at all
A (10/21/2006 8:19:00 PM): well, sometimes it is something as simple as your thoughts and feelings on little events of the day
A (10/21/2006 8:19:05 PM): or relational dialogue
A (10/21/2006 8:19:18 PM): or things you are thinking about work, teaching, life, people, writing
G (10/21/2006 8:20:07 PM): ok, it makes you feel closer in general, and that is problematic, i more or less understand :-P
A (10/21/2006 8:20:46 PM): i think you understand more :-)
G (10/21/2006 8:21:00 PM): ha ha
G (10/21/2006 8:21:01 PM): ok
G (10/21/2006 8:21:22 PM): so i can write anything now and dont need to worry about what you might think, that's easy :-)
A (10/21/2006 8:22:10 PM): that's been true - but i think it is nice that you have worried about what i might think sometimes
A (10/21/2006 8:22:18 PM): but yes, you should be able to freely write
A (10/21/2006 8:23:09 PM): should that have been freely be able to write?
G (10/21/2006 8:23:52 PM): technically yes
G (10/21/2006 8:23:58 PM): able to write freely is best
G (10/21/2006 8:24:16 PM): put adverb near word it fits with best
G (10/21/2006 8:24:40 PM): adverbs usually modify a verb, sometimes a whole verb phrase or sentence
A (10/21/2006 8:24:46 PM): i always throw it before the word - need to start putting it after
G (10/21/2006 8:24:57 PM): you have freedom, decide
G (10/21/2006 8:25:03 PM): adverb placement is tricky
A (10/21/2006 8:25:10 PM): i like split infinitives
G (10/21/2006 8:25:10 PM): i thought about it some over the years
G (10/21/2006 8:25:36 PM): i am not against them, but i keep them down to where they work well or are really needed
A (10/21/2006 8:26:04 PM): it is my latest thing to try to get rid of - first it was comma splices and now split infinitives
A (10/21/2006 8:26:28 PM): and one of these days i should learn to properly use hyphens
A (10/21/2006 8:26:43 PM): learn to use hyphens properly!
G (10/21/2006 8:26:47 PM): yep
G (10/21/2006 8:26:52 PM): works better huh
A (10/21/2006 8:27:10 PM): i don't like it as much but that may be because i'm not used to it
G (10/21/2006 8:27:18 PM): maybe
G (10/21/2006 8:27:30 PM): or reword
G (10/21/2006 8:27:39 PM): learn proper hyphen usage
G (10/21/2006 8:27:40 PM): etc
A (10/21/2006 8:28:24 PM): ah, now that i like
G (10/21/2006 8:28:34 PM): see more concise
G (10/21/2006 8:28:47 PM): np instead of clause
G (10/21/2006 8:29:01 PM): np = noun phrase, not no problem…
A (10/21/2006 8:29:17 PM): i got it
G (10/21/2006 8:29:38 PM): so no visit from the ghost of d--- [downhall neighbor] past?
A (10/21/2006 8:29:50 PM): none so far
A (10/21/2006 8:30:02 PM): i'm surprised
A (10/21/2006 8:30:11 PM): it may be late enough that she's concerned
A (10/21/2006 8:30:13 PM): ha
A (10/21/2006 8:30:17 PM): who am i kidding
A (10/21/2006 8:30:21 PM): she's not home yet i imagine
G (10/21/2006 8:30:23 PM): did she know you worked today?
A (10/21/2006 8:30:43 PM): no, she was at a friends house for shabbos
G (10/21/2006 8:30:51 PM): your theory is likeliest
G (10/21/2006 8:31:15 PM): she's just busy elsewhere
A (10/21/2006 8:32:00 PM): so, the curious want to know, anything in lj i ought to read?
G (10/21/2006 8:32:12 PM): what was happening when you stopped?
A (10/21/2006 8:32:35 PM): i think l-- was coming to visit, or had come to visit
G (10/21/2006 8:32:47 PM): i'm two weeks past that, at least
G (10/21/2006 8:33:19 PM): past end of second week of school, some days before concert in manhattan, that's where i am up to
G (10/21/2006 8:33:23 PM): sept 10 or so
G (10/21/2006 8:34:28 PM): dunno what you ought to know and what you want to avoid, that's a damn fine line, an overlap actually i'd bet
G (10/21/2006 8:34:29 PM): :-P
G (10/21/2006 8:34:51 PM): what would you not want to know?
A (10/21/2006 8:35:02 PM): you are so right about that on so many levels :-P
G (10/21/2006 8:35:13 PM): i am always on many levels
A (10/21/2006 8:35:28 PM): that's why i think you are fabulous
G (10/21/2006 8:35:44 PM): hmm, so what would you not want to know
G (10/21/2006 8:35:53 PM): i'm trying to give a constructive answer here :-P
A (10/21/2006 8:36:08 PM): i don't want to know about other women
A (10/21/2006 8:36:13 PM): or negative things about me
G (10/21/2006 8:36:17 PM): what about them?
G (10/21/2006 8:36:29 PM): i have not met any woman
G (10/21/2006 8:36:38 PM): i have corresponded some
G (10/21/2006 8:36:56 PM): now what did i say negative about you?????
A (10/21/2006 8:37:07 PM): i don't know that you have
A (10/21/2006 8:37:13 PM): but i wouldn't want to read it
A (10/21/2006 8:37:15 PM): if you did
G (10/21/2006 8:38:03 PM): well, it's hard for me to judge, what have i ever said about you that was negative? but i think i must have said things that were honest from my angle but that you didn't like, many months ago
G (10/21/2006 8:38:22 PM): march through june, and earlier
A (10/21/2006 8:38:22 PM): oh, those i can handle - eventually at least
A (10/21/2006 8:38:40 PM): but you asked what i wouldn't want to read
G (10/21/2006 8:38:45 PM): ok well
A (10/21/2006 8:38:47 PM): so i thought that was one thing
A (10/21/2006 8:39:03 PM): you know, if you were writing freely without worrying about what i would think :-D
G (10/21/2006 8:39:17 PM): i have not said anything since august in lj that i think is worse from your angle than anything i ever said back in june or earlier
G (10/21/2006 8:39:45 PM): so i don't think there'd be any wrench there
A (10/21/2006 8:40:06 PM): of course if you ever say downright positive things you could cut and paste those and send them to me in email :-)
G (10/21/2006 8:40:21 PM): you could scroll through and find them :-)
G (10/21/2006 8:40:24 PM): anyway
G (10/21/2006 8:40:35 PM): ok negative comments about you are not a big issue i suspect
G (10/21/2006 8:40:46 PM): you are worried about me mentioned other people
G (10/21/2006 8:40:52 PM): and dont want to see it at all
G (10/21/2006 8:40:59 PM): because it bugs you no matter how i do it
G (10/21/2006 8:41:11 PM): mentioning
G (10/21/2006 8:41:34 PM): you're not arguing :-)
A (10/21/2006 8:41:41 PM): oh
A (10/21/2006 8:41:49 PM): uh
G (10/21/2006 8:41:57 PM): that's ok, you can agree
A (10/21/2006 8:42:28 PM): it may not be reasonable or something, but it is true
A (10/21/2006 8:42:39 PM): in some ways
G (10/21/2006 8:43:06 PM): even if i have never met anyone and nothing works out to more than penpals, it would still bug you
G (10/21/2006 8:43:17 PM): youre not arguing :-)
A (10/21/2006 8:43:47 PM): it isn't that things don't work out, it is that things could work out, that you'd like it if something worked out
G (10/21/2006 8:44:00 PM): i dont know what i'd like
A (10/21/2006 8:44:16 PM): oh
A (10/21/2006 8:44:26 PM): really?
G (10/21/2006 8:44:38 PM): i am trying to figure myself and other people out
G (10/21/2006 8:44:43 PM): and
G (10/21/2006 8:44:46 PM): beyond that
G (10/21/2006 8:45:12 PM): if you are concerned about sex or something, you always say 'sex can just be sex' (e.g. lee)
A (10/21/2006 8:45:48 PM): no fair using my own thoughts against me
G (10/21/2006 8:46:01 PM): limitingcase fair
G (10/21/2006 8:46:04 PM): absolutely fair
G (10/21/2006 8:46:10 PM): fairer than anything alternative
A (10/21/2006 8:46:23 PM): ok, ok! :-D
G (10/21/2006 8:46:39 PM): hmm
G (10/21/2006 8:46:42 PM): that was easy
A (10/21/2006 8:46:52 PM): you know i can be easy
A (10/21/2006 8:47:04 PM): too easy?
G (10/21/2006 8:47:14 PM): so what is ti that bugs you about me corresponding with people if there either is no sex or on the offchance there was it didn't come to anything
A (10/21/2006 8:47:58 PM): i want to be the one you talk to
G (10/21/2006 8:48:55 PM): well, this is email, you dont write email, i think i wrote in a recent entry about different people and different women having preferences and disinclinations among all the communication modes there are these days
G (10/21/2006 8:49:24 PM): you are phone, im, inperson
G (10/21/2006 8:49:26 PM): right?
A (10/21/2006 8:49:32 PM): it is true
G (10/21/2006 8:49:45 PM): that's your preference
A (10/21/2006 8:49:51 PM): quickies - lots of immediate feedback
G (10/21/2006 8:50:00 PM): true
A (10/21/2006 8:50:21 PM): but i might answer email
G (10/21/2006 8:50:21 PM): but to think about nonquicky things other formats will work more
G (10/21/2006 8:50:49 PM): if you want to write email, write email, you think i wouldnt answer?
A (10/21/2006 8:51:16 PM): i don't want to write email
G (10/21/2006 8:51:29 PM): nothing wrong with that
G (10/21/2006 8:51:42 PM): but you dont want me to write email with anyone else
A (10/21/2006 8:51:50 PM): that isn't fair
G (10/21/2006 8:51:55 PM): i know :-)
G (10/21/2006 8:51:59 PM): so stop doing that :-P
A (10/21/2006 8:52:09 PM): you have a good point
G (10/21/2006 8:52:18 PM): my brother
G (10/21/2006 8:52:21 PM): the dead one
G (10/21/2006 8:52:29 PM): he could be a prickly personality
G (10/21/2006 8:52:52 PM): mom would fix everyone sandwiches at lunch when we were home, whatever each kid ordered
G (10/21/2006 8:53:05 PM): he would get hius sandwich, let's say pb & j
G (10/21/2006 8:53:18 PM): then leave one of the two halves she cut it into
G (10/21/2006 8:53:29 PM): then mom would go to give it to whoever wanted it
G (10/21/2006 8:53:34 PM): and he'd say no that's mine
G (10/21/2006 8:53:40 PM): but then he wouldnt eat it
G (10/21/2006 8:53:51 PM): she'd give it to someone eventually
G (10/21/2006 8:53:54 PM): why waste it
G (10/21/2006 8:53:59 PM): dont be mike :-P
G (10/21/2006 8:54:32 PM): i did a parable O:-)
A (10/21/2006 8:54:40 PM): yes, you did
G (10/21/2006 8:55:00 PM): next i get crucified O:-)
A (10/21/2006 8:55:14 PM): do i have the nails?
G (10/21/2006 8:55:26 PM): dunno i'm about to find out one way or another
G (10/21/2006 8:55:57 PM): ok, no nails :-)
G (10/21/2006 8:56:00 PM): O:-)
G (10/21/2006 8:56:37 PM): sneaky and angelic O:-)
A (10/21/2006 8:56:56 PM): i think there is a bit of insecurity that i bring to the table that is compounded by the ambiguous nature of our relationship and so i am often on edge which is both a feeling i dislike and actually find quite attractive
G (10/21/2006 8:57:19 PM): you suffer so exquisitely, my dear O:-)
A (10/21/2006 8:57:32 PM): what is that supposed to mean?
A (10/21/2006 8:57:44 PM): i'm laughing, btw
G (10/21/2006 8:57:44 PM): many levels
G (10/21/2006 8:57:46 PM): ha ha
A (10/21/2006 8:57:52 PM): do tell
G (10/21/2006 8:58:16 PM): it's you torturing yourself and enjoying it, one version of dramaqueen :-)
G (10/21/2006 8:58:23 PM): it's pervy painslut thing
G (10/21/2006 8:58:25 PM): etc etc
A (10/21/2006 8:58:28 PM): i am so not a dramaqueen
G (10/21/2006 8:58:30 PM): now argue O:-)
G (10/21/2006 8:59:08 PM): dramaqueen is not just public, people can be dramaqueens in their own heads
G (10/21/2006 8:59:11 PM): see what i mean
G (10/21/2006 8:59:19 PM): i *have* thought about this some O:-)
A (10/21/2006 8:59:46 PM): tuck in your wings
G (10/21/2006 8:59:53 PM): there's some drama in being torn emotionally
G (10/21/2006 8:59:57 PM): internal drama
A (10/21/2006 9:00:03 PM): i can see that
G (10/21/2006 9:00:04 PM): whether or not it gets displayed
G (10/21/2006 9:00:06 PM): yep
G (10/21/2006 9:00:07 PM): good
G (10/21/2006 9:00:18 PM): you are not in denial or out of touch O:-)
A (10/21/2006 9:00:29 PM): the medicine must be working :-)
G (10/21/2006 9:00:40 PM): you'd have admitted that a fortnight ago
A (10/21/2006 9:00:56 PM): i know, i was being a little sarcastic
G (10/21/2006 9:01:05 PM): np i have been too :-P
G (10/21/2006 9:01:57 PM): she likes walking on the edge of the cliff even if no one sees her
G (10/21/2006 9:02:07 PM): emotional evil knievel
A (10/21/2006 9:02:30 PM): the question is, does she really like it?
G (10/21/2006 9:02:39 PM): definitely yes and no
G (10/21/2006 9:02:41 PM): :-P
A (10/21/2006 9:02:58 PM): now that's an answer i understand!
G (10/21/2006 9:03:15 PM): definitively yes and no
A (10/21/2006 9:03:28 PM): defiantly yes and no?
G (10/21/2006 9:03:39 PM): that too
G (10/21/2006 9:04:05 PM): you like having mixed feelings, you think it's less boring
A (10/21/2006 9:04:17 PM): less decision making, too
G (10/21/2006 9:04:29 PM): i can see that
G (10/21/2006 9:04:37 PM): but often one has to decide things anyhow
A (10/21/2006 9:04:55 PM): and often one doesn't know what to decide
G (10/21/2006 9:05:03 PM): it happens
A (10/21/2006 9:05:13 PM): and sometimes one decides
A (10/21/2006 9:05:18 PM): and then sortof undecides
A (10/21/2006 9:05:22 PM): and changes things
A (10/21/2006 9:05:30 PM): but not exactly sure to what
G (10/21/2006 9:05:51 PM): but one must also think about what works over time and consequences of decisions and nondecisions and all that, it's a lot of work :-P
G (10/21/2006 9:06:11 PM): but you knew that
G (10/21/2006 9:06:17 PM): how long have we been im ing
G (10/21/2006 9:06:20 PM): no checking back
A (10/21/2006 9:06:40 PM): um, one hour and twenty minutes is my guess
G (10/21/2006 9:06:48 PM): 1:47
G (10/21/2006 9:07:00 PM): since 7:20
G (10/21/2006 9:07:09 PM): 9:07
A (10/21/2006 9:07:18 PM): goodness
A (10/21/2006 9:07:28 PM): guess i should let you do something else
G (10/21/2006 9:07:47 PM): well, you have things to do too, and ill call in an hour or so
G (10/21/2006 9:07:54 PM): and you can call after 1030 if i dont
G (10/21/2006 9:07:57 PM): phone's on
G (10/21/2006 9:08:01 PM): by bed
A (10/21/2006 9:08:22 PM): okay
A (10/21/2006 9:08:40 PM): i'll tty later :-)
G (10/21/2006 9:08:47 PM): ok, chillax
G (10/21/2006 9:08:48 PM): :-P

so she's mulling over what she thinks and feels about me and what she should and shouldn't do about it, and what's up with me on my end, and so on -- a lot of complicated ideas and sentiments -- i'm not sure how much of her personal stuff (therapy, pillneed) is connected to longstanding stuff related to her, and how much is connected to her concern about what kind of relationship she and i have, or will have, as time ticks on -- she really does like me a lot; that's clear -- but i also wonder how much that is driven by her lifesituation, with me happening to be there? (? and is that accidental, or coincidental, or not? i don't know...)

j. to bed 925, commenting critically andor suspiciously about me being on the computer so much this afternoon and evening -- yes, that's something i never mention to a. -- way back in the era of k. 03 im's and then rnl 04 im's, i tried to be careful to avoid seeming like i was on the comp too much or at the wrong times -- but all i really ever needed to avoid were the hours she was home and awake weekdays, maybe 7 or later till 10 or earlier, and then parts of the weekend -- it was easier till spring 04, after which point i was assumed to be suspicious in any event -- but by talking mainly when she's not around, i incur fewer problems, duh -- and this part of my life could not last forever -- well, everything is transition really, looked at from some angles --

so i go to call a. after 10 -- a series of cellcalls to her, owing to repeated signal loss, starting 1026pm: 13 minutes, then 8, 1, 4... -- a. guesses about one deliberate hangup in there, when i hear a noise, figure it might be j. coming back down like the other night -- but it really must only have been some noise the dog made while still settling in for the night --

to sleep by 11 --
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me in the fog... [Oct. 20th, 2006|12:21 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |bitchya little dark...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, the who, "behind blue eyes"]

as my three cellalarms go often and i press them to quiet and ignore them, it's dark and windy and rainy out, and still so when i awaken again at 631, doze a bit more, and get up and into the shower about 640 -- done and dressed, i call up the stairwell to j at 653, and by the time i'm out on my paper run at 7 i dodge as best i can what's become a definite steady rain with noticeable blowing --

crazy copcar parked slantwise, at fortyfive degrees to both cross streets simultaneously, right on the corner of the biddylady store -- are they trying to find ways to break even more traffic laws all at once? -- i park in the payspot, but i've just realized in the past few days that the meters don't need to be observed till 8am, so i am actually legal to park here on the main street -- it's right around the corner on my own street that parking anywhere near the 'no standing' sign is dicier, particularly with a scofflaw cop around and up to who knows what --

from the sidewalk in front of my house a good quartermile away, i can still see scofflaw copcars lamps flashing crazily in the darkgray dawnlight, friggin sun not up till like 710 or something these days -- e.s.t. coming up soon, we get an hour back in the morning anyhow, cannibalized from the afternoon --

as we're about to leave on the dogwalk, after 730, j. notices latenight cellcalls from dramamom, who after being discharged from the hospital apparently woke up in her chair in her apt with a numb leg, having trouble breathing (panic attack on top of emphysema), can't stand up -- so i say i'll walk up and back with j., and then if she needs to be driven somewhere (is mom at home or in the hospital?), then i can do that before heading up to work -- it's rainy, and that paper is getting pretty damp, edging toward soggy, as i finish it on the walk up to coffee -- we stand in front of the sb while i slug down my coffee quickly so i can have one hand for the dog and one for my umbrella, while she sips coffee on the walk back while holding an umbrella -- no way to shepherd dog, umbrella, and coffee at once, it's to rainy to go without an umbrella, and someone has to take the dog --

up to the office -- as i come in the rear door of my usual mwf morning place, i spot a new bulletin board -- god, they love those here -- guess it resonates with the secondrate parochial gradeschool ethos of the joint -- this one starts with canary yellow paper stapled to the corkboard, redolent already of second grade and footstickwielding nuns in bottlebottom glasses -- then, fake autumn leaves from a party or school supply store stapled all around with clumsy evenness, to break up the yellow monotony -- and atop these marvy production values are little paperframed photos and b&w printouts of visuals, with short bits of simple wording, all offering, with only moderate incoherence, some of the moments in the history of this campus: and voila, i actually learn a few little things -- it's 16.5 acres in all, the current administration hall was a 'georgian mansion' before being converted to school use -- no shock there, everything more than 20 years old on this campus was originally designed for some other purpose and, because no one wanted to bother paying to truly convert it, still looks it -- perhaps the closest to an exception is the old building where my lunchtime preproom (and tu/th morning typingplace) is located, at the end of the ground floor hall -- it was a science building, way back in the 1940s, so suggests on caption -- and though it's now used for general classrooms mainly, it looks very much like what a science building would have looked like the better part of a century ago: ratty rooms with old chairs and a chalkboard at the front, a few of them with the seats stepped up gradually to be higher toward the back of the room, in pitiful emulation of an oldtime medical amphitheatre in some teaching hospital early in the last century --

the building where my mailbox was from aug 2001 till july 2004 (it's now the business faculty offices) was bought in 1965, says one caption -- hmm, it was probably part of an adjoining property that the owner was willing to sell, or some such thing (he speculated) -- it certainly was never designed as an office building or for any academic purpose -- it was just an expanded twostory house, in which one of the then-two english dept faculty offices was located in what was obviously a bedroom with an alcove -- when a popular new faculty person left in spring 2003 after seemingly only being here a couple of years (it's not easy working here, is it, folks?), her desk was made available for use by those on secondtier term-by-term contracts, like me -- but it was mainly i who used that desk -- i only ever saw one other person use it, and my schedule and hers for being there rarely overlapped during the 2003-04 ay we had access to it (i'd tend to be there very early to mid mornings mwf, and she was there more middays and afternoons it seemed) -- that was the office i was in when the rnl thing started -- i recall getting and making cellcalls from there, if i had any privacy and signal was not too too sucky if i stood right in the window --

there were two first-tier faculty in there that a.y. -- one was an angry and paranoid poet and essayist who'd worked there for some years but who was pissed about not having been promoted enough, a guy with whom i managed to basically get along, despite his occasional interrogations with poorly disguised agendas, not to mention the mouthfoaming peedoff phonecalls with some confidante about how the chair was a hypocrite and he was going to appeal not getting promoted etc. (did he expect me to be sympathetic?) -- he always had piles of crap everywhere, going back several years -- and the other first-tier person was a chubby pomo feminist who did that thing of having the long hairstyle of someone in her early twenties, though she was obviously in her forties -- anyone who's spent time at a university knows the hairdo of which i speak -- morticia, but frizzier; pseudo-earthmother hippylady -- anyhow, her goal in life, as best i could discern, was to be paid well for getting recalcitrant accounting majors to read about eighteenth century london prostitution, or some such, and to herd them into talking in class and writing essays about it from a contemporary leftwing political angle, disguised by and inflated with the pomo 'theory' jargon (as if no one else has 'theories' but them; typical of their narrowminded arrogance, really) -- she liked to share with me (as i tried to rush and correct a pile of composition papers for an elevenish class) political spams she'd get about the 2004 democratic primaries that spring: inevitably, 'news' i'd heard days or weeks previous somewhere else, but i never let her catch me being anything but agreeable -- those two had their own desks, and even bookshelves --

but, not to get too sidetracked: the weird thing that made it clear to me this extremely cozy triple office was a bedroom was that there was a bathroom through a door right by angry guy's desk, which he'd converted into filing by filling the tub with storage boxes and the like -- i would only use that bathroom really early in the morning, knowing that no one else would ever be there before 9something (i was often there at 7something or 8) -- and the other time i'd use the bathroom (didn't want to be caught in there, or leave a smell still detectable when someone else happened in) was weds night between 5ish and 7, during the rnl-onset spring term -- that was the once a week 7-10pm early 20c fiction course that i created and prepped and taught that term (and which i'm teaching again now, for the first time since being asked to create it) -- after the first three or so weeks of that semester (a point at which we were still on the first of the five books) i'd be anxious to finish early and get home, so i could see j. off to bed, be on i.m. with rnl, and start out for new brunswick early in the ten p.m. hour, rather than later -- i recall sitting in that 'office' alone, with only one desklamp on, in a usually totally empty building, many early weds evenings, planning out the really major points to cover from the current book during the imminent class session (i usually didn't hold it past 8 something or 9...) -- then i'd rush over to it, way on the far end of campus, never more than a couple of minutes late --

weird times --

but it was quite clear, from spending any time there, that it was a residential building that had scarcely been converted to use as academic offices -- 1965, it was acquired -- well, that's very late in the period of existence of an independent religious women's college on the adjoining site, which is what the main body of the campus was till 1971 -- in which year, according to the bullboard, the archdiocese (the owners and directors) mandated its consolidated under the rubric of the university of which it's still a part -- that was when womenonly education was becoming unpopular everywhere -- so it was taken over by the larger university, at a remote location in nyc, and became a coed branch college --

dumpy old place -- but even the newer buildings are underwhelming (see my 'undesigning men' lj entry from probably sept 05) -- every so often one hears rumors from higherup faculty that the main university would like to close this campus entirely -- and who knows, maybe the archdiocese would too -- the archdiocese has closed tons of fiscally dubious parochial schools in the last few years, and i betcha they could make scads and scads of money from selling off for development 16.5 hilltop acres with ocean views -- hilltop property is the most valuable hereabouts --

anyhow, up here on the hilltop is reminiscent of those last five minutes of a plane flight before you touch down, way up inside the weather -- this morning, it's fog and mist and rain that only intensifies as the morning progresses -- sheets and billows --

first class: only three are in the room, that's a first for this term, and they are leaving together as i enter no more than a minute late -- maybe it's the crappy weather, or maybe a lot of them have decided they're gonna write on conrad or joyce not woolf and hence can blow off woolf sessions, or maybe they figure that they get friday off if they really want it -- wtf knows, but in any event: what to do, think fast -- i decide i'll use something like '83yo aunt is a houseguest and sick'; i used that once in fall 05 to end a class early; (i figured i should get at least that much recompense for loss of privacy) -- i write a brief note on the board to the effect that mom-in-law's in [the hospital she was actually in] -- gotta run and deal with stuff -- and i'm hurrying, lest some stray person come in while i'm writing and i have to duplicate what i'm say for no good reason other than politeness and maintenance of good will -- i'm done, out, in maybe two minutes --

but naturally i run into a student coming in the back as i reach the ground floor level on the back stairs and drop my coat, which i'd not put on in my rush to make a clean getaway -- it's i believe the only student who's not only in this class, but in my next one as well -- she comes into my vicinity just as i'm stupidly stooping to pick up the clumsily dropped coat, and wants to know if both classes are canceled -- think fast -- no, i explain, i have to run to the hospital and do some things, but i'll be back in two hours for sure -- (mt real thinking is why cancel the second class if people do show up, and i am happier to talk about the second class's topic, anyhow, and am more leery of falling behind there) --

so off to type mestuff, 1120-105, then classprep -- and there she is, by the door with various others -- one of the gradeschooly things students do here, if they are hoping you'll cancel and there aren't that many of them there, is stand in the hall and leave the room totally empty, as if to make some statement that no one's really here -- subtle, i appreciate being put on the spot like that, o mature ones -- the coatstoop girl is there too, presumably was hoping that after skipping so often when class was being held normally, that if she showed up at the beginning this one time, i wouldn't, and she'd feel that somehow balanced out and erased responsibility for all the skips --

more on ep. 8, from para about pains of childbirth, with all the themes, so central to the book, down to the 'me and me now' bit -- but not enough time to look closely at that rhododendrons etc. passage, as time runs out -- we'll pick that up monday, and also get on into ep. 9 for over half the class, so at the end i give a quick overview of 9 --

then i type some back down in the preproom, where i left myself logged on with programs running, but locked -- and with everything saved, in case someone knocked the cord from the wall or wanted to use the comp and pressed the reset button (the only way to use a comp left locked, except for the person logged on or an admin) --

as i work, at a certain point i notice the sky darkening to dusklike, at first slightly odd but soon quite spooky really -- it's all black in the room, like postsunset or presunrise, windy, leaves rustling and crackling -- but only a few splats of rain, a brief sprinkle -- and as i leave, just after 330, it's even breaking out sunny again -- storm must have just skirted by -- on the way homeward down the back hill, in weird fall weather, it strikes me that leafy plants evolved to adapt to and use climate: pressure gradient, wind, owing to changes in heating over space and time, uneven heating during the daily and the seasonal scycles, bodies of air hundreds of miles across whirling and interprenetrating -- leaves absorb and process energy, from dawn to dusk, from spring to autumn, times of solar warming, and then as waves and waves of colder air come along, windstorms strip outdated, worn, raggedy leaves, for replacement next spring: deciduous -- life is all about adjusting to the variability, over time and space, of the world -- without variability, everything would be one thing, an utterly different universe that's hard to envision from here, but our world is of variability, and of life working with and adapting to that -- adaptation --

over a mile and a half and maybe three minutes later, near the bottom of the really steep hill just past the park on my way home, i see traffic stopped and backed up for some blocks -- i've drivne by here hundreds of times and only once or twice a year is there a backup -- so it's not regular traffic congestion or something -- and then i spot policelights spinning up there ahead -- for s few seconds i watch cumulonimbi scudding with abnormal swiftness, slantwise to my direction of travel, then suddenly decide to head right down the imminent sidestreet (the one i take in the other direction in the morning) -- bot not home -- immediately left (a street i'm never on), and then left again two blocks further on (onto the street where an academic mentor of mine had lived when he was a kid; wonder what happened to him in the last threefour years) -- and that brings me, as i'd calculated and hoped, three sides of a rectangle, around the mainroad obstruction (probably a downed treepart from that dark weather a little while ago), back onto the main street i'd been on before the detour -- ever since exiting the school lot, on roadways and sidewalks i've been noticing lots of small branches and massings of leaves down, as after any 40-50 mph stormfront --

and on into the kf lot, where i take the space nearest the door --

sometimes i hesitate over the open horizontal i.c. case (done that several weekday afternoons a week for several weeks, it reaches critical mass as a describable experiential moment lmao) -- there is the carb issue, ocourse; among the available choices, one wants to stay lower if possible, but meanwhile, no matter what, it's gonna be 120g or more, not good, and thenagain there's no point in having it at all if you're not going to enjoy the flavor, b/c you'll find yourself just wanting to do it again, peeved at having chosen something disappointing -- sometimes i find no flavor worth the money and carbload, and just skip i.c., even on special (specials get sold out often, especially the more desirable varieties, leaving the frumpy or weird stuff in spades that you really don't want) --

another weird thing about i.c.: most people picking a pint are going through some calculus about flavors and do-it-or-not, hunched over the open case, pawing through sometimes two or three horizontal layers of pints that need to be shuffled and juggled in order to see what's even available -- today, there's a lady who, like me, probably should not be having this at all, probably feels guilty and selfconscious about even getting it, let alone about putting a lot of time and thought into which flavor and whether-or-not, so (as usual) i give her a wide berth -- i give her privacy, give myself the same a bit later -- i'm looking through other parts of the store and giving her two passes before coming back on the third goround to see that she's gone now, over there in the express checkout -- which gives me privatetime of my own over the case, pawing, scanning, weighing options, considering -- like so many things, public and private are not black and white --

and then out -- i'm annoyed near the end because even though i'm in the 12 items or less line (i have 8), there's an old woman right in front of me, and those accumulating behind me, with more like 20 items -- and then she's glacially slow about getting her purse and bags together after she's done -- my items are all rung up and bagged, and she's still foostering around at my elbow -- usually in the store i bag my own stuff while it's being rung to save everyone time (if there's more than one bag, i can also bag things with an eye to what will be unpacked and stored in the same place, e.g. pantry or fridge -- the checkout person has no clue about how i'll unload in my kitchen) -- as she finally toddles off past the other register outlets toward the exit, i ask the checkout person, rhetorically, "wow, why was she so damn slow?," and checkerouter starts saying how it galls her when people use express for way over the item limit, but she doesn't say anything to them because it's more trouble than just dealing with it and getting it over with --

my acquisitions: a new weekly special today, six (the limit) cans of halfpriced progresso soup, the new soup promo this week: now the 'traditional' line rather than vegetable etc. as in prior weeks -- not fullprice 2.69 each, but 2.69 per pair -- plus a gallon of fatfree milk 2.99, and my other new weekly special, a godvia i.c. pint for two bucks: total 13.06 (3:41pm), pay with exact change woohoo --

home: before even unbagging and putting away the milk let alone the soup, i sit on the couch and spoon by spoon ingest the chocolate raspberry truffle -- i need something nice after today -- i've described softening hard i.c. before -- and also how, after i'm done, i toss fetch with it and the dog leaps on it and chews the bottom open, then toothrips the sidecylinder to a few small shreds and one big jagged sheet -- later, one can from my new soups -- and later, as a snack, i finally finish a three sets of blacksesame bars that i'd packed into a single fourvariety bag, bought back in early aug, the week before j's trip -- j. ate the peanuts etc. in aug or early sept., and left the black sesames that she deosn't like -- i kept this rubberbanded pack in my bag for a worksnack, but i am nearly never hungry mid or late morning, and then come right home midafternoon -- no point schlepping them around any more -- i shouldn't get these somewhat carby things at all, even if they are a fairly rare snack -- i do think that a lot of the made-in-asia candies have lower carb stats in the nutritional 'information' than seem likely prmia facie, and j. often eats the better parts of them up on me anyway, as evening and weekend snacks, then complains about them being there -- gotta clean out my bag -- there's so much in here, it's a lot to schlepp around, hard to find distinct room for class stuff --

on to quick email catchup, w/ aac running, only partly watched -- haven't seen aac katherine; maybe her mode is hit and run, once only, and who knows when she's on -- her profile page shows she's on the site every day, but that may be at times i'm not around, or maybe she's on the site but not in chat -- maybe i should email her onsite -- or maybe not -- let it percolate, see what happens or doesn't -- maybe she's purely into the momentary thrill of new conquest --

a. home and on im, 433 -- her professional development went well and was a nice change, in locale and content, from her normal routine -- she's vague and i get her ton give a few specifics -- she sounds good, but when i mention that she says i'll take her word for it (441) -- says she's not feeling great and wants to sleep a lot, coldmedicinelike, is not sure if it's a cold or the pill or a tiring week or what -- no upside to the pill yet, and possibly this downside, fourfive days in -- she's also sleeping more, talks of napping or going to bed early -- she asls about my day and i vaguely say 'no gripes' (452) -- i change topics and talk instead about the bankshops i have to write tonight and yesterday's taole of weird investmentshop lady, with my speculations about her -- she has to be upandout again very early sat a.m. -- she talks of being woken up in middle of night, and her bitchy downstairs neighbor wanted to be let in the door to check her bathroom in the middle of the night, as if she was lying about the leak coming from another floor up -- she talks about fumfering when she is put on the spot (512), and knows that i've teased her for fumfering over the months -- i send her off to nap 517, no further i.m.'s after that --

email, lj, aac, some other stuff -- i work my way forward through the haze, and eventually am exhausted --

but i fall asleep some time after 9 and never get to call a., which may be just as well for her with her tiredness and her early risingtime --
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busy thursday: yet more ways in which thursday's child has far to go... [Oct. 19th, 2006|08:21 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |exhaustedwhew...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, "Little Man You've Had A Busy Day"]

gonna be a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng damn day -- i have eight $20 bank rep visits, plus a 3pm $60 investment rep visit to fit in with them, but that'll be ok for less than a day's work -- since i have banks to do out near where k. is, i'll meet her in the 8am hour, before the banks are probably open anyhow, then start out somewhere near there and work my way back toward home --

so: up 605, after the second cell alarm but before the third --

showershave, and then call j. from the bottom of the stairs, 630ish

head out for newspaper 645ish -- often, these days, when departing on or returning from the paper run i'll see the adopted teenage girl from the house across the street waiting by a parked car for her yellowbus to pull up, front door perpendicular to her (i've seen that moment a couple of times), very late in the 6am hour; other times i'll instead see and have a nearmiss with femalish gayguy neighbor as he heads out toward the bus stop after walking his dog quite early, 630 or so i think (i hear his showerwater go on behind the kitchenwall, sometimes, soon after 600) -- he seems to leave right home around seven these days -- and with me getting up and out later, as dawn creeps forward day by day, i sometimes come close to running into and being ignored by him (my hypothesis is that b.f., with whom he's chummy, soured him on me; and he's also pals with j., since back when they used to see each other on the bus sometimes, and meanwhile in 2003 he saw k. coming or going from the house, at a time when i believe he was unemployed for some months and constantly hanging around at home during the day -- i think i mentioned this stuff one time here in lj, but i've already typed up another stab at it now, so wtf...) -- in sept and before, i used to go for the paper more like 620, but the later it gets light, the later my upness and outness tend to occur --

a. and i on i.m. 712-15; she's up and going lateish too, has to run --

dogwalk 730, back home 800; then i'm getting myself together -- there was a flurry of short weds eve and early thur a.m. emails to and from k., first agreeing to an 800/815a.m. meeting, then scotching that after j. gets up late (i say i'll email her with a final e.t.a. just before i leave) -- then i guesstimate 900ish, in an 829 email -- but immediately after hitting send, i go to print out mapquest for the locations, plus instructions for the two kinds of shops -- the bank shop and mapquest take maybe four minutes total, maybe eight pages in all -- but then the shop instructions for the singleton investment shop prove to fill 22 8.5x11 sheets -- my printer is not done spitting them out till after 850 -- i leave 857, arrive 923 (traffic not so good) -- but she's ok with the tardiness, or so she says --

i've never odommed the k. trip -- in midtrip i think to give it a whirl, since i'd zeroed out the trip odometer this morning after the paper run (so as to see how much driving these assignments actually do involve today) --

5.0 crest of huge hill just past the midboro hospital
6.2 left turnlane at edge of golfcourse, turning toward the 'restoration'
7.0 between the two closetogether lights at the restoration
7.7 left turnlane onto k.'s street of residence
8.7 arrive at designated pickup location, behind library and trainstation
12.3 arrive at our parking and talking spot by the ballfields in the big park by the ocean

i remember to offer her the lipstick back, after mentally reminding myself several times this morning that it's in my right pants pocket (i'd pulled it out by mistake while hurriedly fishing for my keys to lock the frontdoor deadbolt) -- yes, the lipstick was hers -- she jokes about it --

we catch up some on basic lifenews since last week -- she starts to talk about being in need of touch and love, because (she says) her husband doesn't do that any more, she wonders if he is having an affair, a health problem -- what, she doesn't know -- and no one does any housework, she complains, neither him nor the three daughters aged 17-25 or so -- i talk a bit about me doing more of the housework (90% ), since i have a shorter commute and am around the house more, and when j.'s home she often just doesn't get to things --

i have always hidden marital issues from her, so that she doesn't plan to divorce and have me move in with and marry her or something -- is that slimy of me? we would never be a good fit as lifepartners --

in the first flush of that first period of physical interaction we had in spring 03, sometimes i wondered if we should do that: what would be nice, what would work -- but certainly by the time i was into the rnl relationship in spring/summer 04, i was clear what background and interests would come closer to really working for me, and the unrealistic quality of her-and-me was really clear -- from the weds afternoon before thanksgiving 03 (k. moved out of her sept/nov separate apartment that weekend), i didn't have any sort of sexual contact with her for close to 18 months, aside from the occasional backrub i would give when solicited -- i told her that the celibacy was because i was trying to work on my relationship with j., but that was a lie: it was because i was working on my relationship with rnl -- i was actually being faithful to rnl -- there's a comic point --

but when the rnl thing started to drag out and break down in spring and summer of 05, i gradually went back to letting k. successfully propose more sexual activities, in the car, on some but not all of the occasions when we'd meet -- at first, that was because i was tiding myself over (a. and i did not have sex from january till june, and i knew from her that she was sleeping with her 'temp' bf at least as many nights as not) -- and after that, it was because i had nothing else going on sexually, b/c i'd left other things in abeyance or made not effort to find anything new, all while in rnl focus from spring 04 to mid 05 --

sometimes k. will joshingly tease me about my "other girlfriend(s)," and i'll say "o yeah, right, as if," or something else vague -- but she'll then reply that she's only joking and it's not her business anyway -- occasionally, though, she'll also ask how things are going with j. and me, romantically and sexually -- and i'll lie and say fine, but that there are always issues of course -- and when she asks if i love j. i won't say no, though i suppose that could only be construed as true (that i love j.) if we define the continentally broad concept of love in a way that k. is obviously not intending when she asks -- in context, she's obviously asking about marital and romantic love --

but i'm always afraid to tell k. anything that will push her or pull her in the direction of being more than friends with benefits, because i know we can never have a full liferelationship, given the mismatch between her interests and mine --

blah -- meh -- i know she lies to me, by omission and commission, so no use pretending our interaction is anything more exalted than it is -- two married people with spousal problems, looking for some sort of crutch, for the time being anyway --

so i mess with her a little while, and vice versa -- it feels good, as she seems to think too -- but if she cut it off or we fell out of touch or i moved away, it would not affect my life hugely -- i wonder what percentage of people in a steady relationship also have something like this going along on the side, in some form or other? -- this is something that's so much a part of popculture discourse, and yet so likely to be lied about by survey respondents, and unscientifically speculated about by less than rigorous selfappointed experts (of the "as many as..." pressrelease variety, denizens of media rolodexes) that any real statistic simply does not exist -- a quick look on the internet shows a wideranging set of stats, sourced and unsourced -- but a common stat that seems based on some sort of solidish study, and frequently reiterated virally, says it's 50 % for men by age 40, and 25-50% for woman in the same time frame -- so am i creepy, or just experiencing the half of human experience that i experienced the other, totally faithful half of, from age 21 till my early 40s?

well anyhow, my main objective at the moment is not to have a spoogestain, wet and then maybe dry too, on my pants while i shop -- i leave k. off near her house about 1015 (she says she has housework to do on this, her one day off) -- and then i start with the first shop, nearby, 1030ish -- hoping that i can not only finish them all today, but maybe my midafternoon rather than late afternoon -- no point in making more of a marathon of it than it needs to be -- 7-10 days ago i applied for all the locations hereabouts that i've not done (several months ago, the same firm and client gave me five; those locations are out for now), maybe twenty in toto, and the next day they confirmed six, another day or two later eight -- banks shops are boring to do and write up; i think they have a hard time getting people to do them -- but at twenty each, i'll do them for now -- as for how long eight'll take, we'll see -- i'm starting over an hour later than i wanted, but between j. and the obscenely long printout i left home at 900 rather than 745 -- check...

on the way to the first one, up the street some blocks from k.'s house, i pass the barbershop where she worked from late summer 03 till august or so of this year -- the first one is not at all far from there -- and on and on all day -- frigzample, along a road i've passed hundreds of times since first getting a car in 1988, i stop at a bank branch that's split across both sides of the street in two older buildings, one obviously acquired after the other for an expansion many moons ago (in the lot i have to circumspect carefully, and then pee in a soda can, making a bit of a mess b/c i have more than 12oz, as it turns out; damn banks don't have bathrooms and i don't wanna waste half an hour finding an using a fastfood place with a workable loo; this despite peeing in the public wc on the way out of the park; all that coffee and tea) --

more daymoments: a classy old marvel of a rotundastyle branch, in a nowdumpy but once nicer neighborhood where quite a few broken windows in the rear of adjoining buildings are visible from the parking lot (the rep, seated along the round rotunda wall, opposite the round teller station in the center, volunteers to me what she knows of the building's architectural history, some of which sounds plausible and some not, but i'm polite -- and by early afternoon, for the first time in my life i'm inside the branch right across the intersection from the starbucks to which j. and i have been walking with the dog every day for months, the one about whose new signage i heard a pair of guys commenting as they walked through the sb stripmall parkinglot several weeks ago (one of the reps told me about the date of the signage change, back around the second week of sept) --

and then on down a main road i've driven, or been driven on, a zillion times, to a location right near a moderatesized shoppingmall with the tjmaxx that j. always goes to, as well as the hometown buffet she and i used to eat in a good deal, evenings and weekends, throughout a lot of the nineties; her birth house is just a few blocks away, a couple of houses at most off the main road -- and then quickly on to the assignment that's in the industrial park right across the parkingaccess road from the building my doctor's in -- i'm getting the grand tour of my hometown here -- and i'm hurrying to get to and prep for and complete this one, because i want to finish it and still make my 3pm investment shop several miles away -- don't want to be late for the apptmt and have to put that in the report -- these investment ones pay pretty well: thirty when they're not desperate, and fifty or more when they are --

out, and then as always i quickly jot down, in the car, before i can forget, the column full of infobits for this branch -- i have eight columns sideways across a single 8.5by11 sheet (time in, time out, descrip of rep, etc.) -- and after each stop i refold, so the column for the next branch adjoins the leftside rubrics that remind me what i need to get down on paper) --

i then hastily cut through past the mall to the investment shop -- not easy to get around here always, what with the greenbelt and the vagaries of hills and valleys -- and in ten minutes or so i'm back to really quite near where the split bank from this morning is -- the investment location is hard to find because it's in fairsized outside mall often called the "kmart mall" by locals, after its dumpy anchor store, which i evaled less than glowingly in late spring or so -- but the technical name (the name on the big overhead streetfacing sign, and on my assignment sheet) is "[streetname] plaza" -- and, turning in and scoping out, i see that there are virtually no visible address numbers on the storefronts; my assignment sheet gives two addresses, one probably just the street address of the plaza, which is pretty useless, and the other probably part of some mall address system that the stores don't actually post on their facades -- and the actual name of the bank is not part of the assignment address info; i have to scan through the 22 pages till i spot the name of the bank somewhere --

and then i jot up a few notes tp myself about info to get; that goes fast because i've done these before, and this is just a refresher -- unlike the bankrep assignments, where the report wants to know how helpful and knowledgeable they were and did they try to close the sale, the investment assignment is more about federal and nys regulatory compliance (do they make sure to tell you it's not fdic insured, can lose value, what the expenses and charges are? etc.), and only secondarily about service and selling skills -- there were spitzer lawsuits and fines for investment firms about them not having disclosed things to consumers, and banks with separate but affiliated investment companies left not a few unsophisticated older people with the impression that, as a bank, their investment was fdic guaranteed -- now they have to have big noticed up where you can see them, and they have to tell you nothing is fdic insured before they start describing any investment vehicle -- and so these reps' employers want a paper trail that they can use as cya in case of further problems from customers and regulators --

so i'm ready to enter, having parked close but not too close (you can't see the car from the window of the branch) -- and i note that it's now gone from the brilliant warm indiansummer of morning and early afternoon to overcast, ah well -- i stride through the bankdoor at 303 -- and right by the frontwindow is the 'target' in her doorless cubicle -- i negotiated this appointment with her after a long struggle to get through to her -- she wouldn't be in when i called, or would be unavailable with someone else, and she was offputting when i finally talked to her, almost as if she was doing me a favor by meeting with me -- speaking of how busy she was and asking me where i got her name -- i had an answer for that last one: a friend of a neighbor, so i'd have to check to find the original referrer's name; who's gonna ask me to do that -- anyhow, she proposed thurs afternoon (i'd wanted a mon or wed or fri, after class, 3pm) -- but now that i'm here i stand and stand and stand, musicstation playing from overhead, as i listen to her obviously on the phone complaining to her own investment firm about their service, how long she was on hold to the exact minute, what is her account balance (43,XXX.XX), and so on --

after i've been standing thinking about my own stuff in my head for about fifteen minutes, a frumpy older lady, finishing with a client in an adjoining cubicle, asks me if she can help me, so i tell her about my appointment -- 90 seconds later, out pops my target, who's never once looked at me in the quarterhour i've stood maybe threefour feet from her door the whole time, all apologetic and explaining that she had tried to call my cellphone last night to reschedule but that i hadn't picked up -- she's a bottle blond and kind of harsh and scary -- even her attempts at nicenss and charm seem only manipulative and insincere, but for my part i'm cheery as ever, and we quickly agree on the following weds after my class, 3pm -- so after wasting close to an hour (i.e., if we count the extra driving off of and back onto my bank location route), i'm outta there and on to the last of my eight bankshops --

it's way out at the far end of where i can get without crossing a bridge and paying a toll, in the same little grocerystore mall where there's a pizzeria that j. and i went to many times throughout the nineties -- touring your life day, apparently -- in, do it, out again with my business card (it's my proof of visit, i have to scan it and attach it to the report form) -- and then, feeling happy with myself for having gotten all the assignments done successfully in like seven hours (just need to write them up now, and also email the sweet 'have a blessed weekend' scheduler to gripe about busybitch), i decide to head into the burger king in the far corner of the mall from the pizzeria --

i went to mcdonalds a couple of times, 3pm ish, after class, early on in sept -- the first time was to get some additional good detail for the 'signs' entry from late july or early august that i was finalizing at that time, and then again a week or two later, b/c i felt it was an interesting experience, and rare for me -- can't recall if i wrote either of those visits up in here or not, but we all know that a journal, like any other description, is partitive, even when what it does include is accurate (which is never 100% the case) -- so anyhow, i decide to reward myself, after all the schlepping, with a comparison trip, bk vs. mcd -- haven't eaten all day, have a better than halfhour trip home from here, go for it... -- i recall sometimes treating myself at a bk as a college student -- in here, the theme is goodold popculture: walltowall sports motif, for a customerbase of, largely, decidedly unathletic people dressed mainly in sweats: ewing, gretzky, guidry, etc., on the walls -- even down to the laminated tabletops, which are decorated, alternately, as stylised football fields and basketball courts -- and a glassenclosed displaycase containing what i presume is memorabilia, but i don't bother getting close enough for specifics --

after standing back from the counter a ways and scoping my options for a bit, i order a value meal of some kind -- two whoppers with cheese (doublemeat??), fries, and a drink -- and i up the size of the latter two, for some smaller additional charge -- the b.k. uses the same sort of inkpaper combo as the keyfood does, by which i mean that after grease gets on the receipt, the ink in any greased area fades to illegibility -- so i don't have details, even though i asked for a receipt (i was recalling, as i ordered, that the reason i didn't include the sept mcd's visits was partly b/c fastfood places don't gives receipts unless you ask, so i had no paper trail as a memoryaid) -- i can see that the total was 7.19 plus tax, 7.71 (in mcd's i'd ordered off the value menu, four 99 cent hamburgers and a drink and maybe fries, 5something or 6something each time) -- and i also note that the receipt is torn off by hand at the wrong place; i don't think i have anything on here but the subtotal and total anyhow (no one asks for receipts in fastfood places) --

i take my tray to the condiment station, slop the burgers with extra catsup (i usually do that with burgers eaten out; the tomato might even be better for you than the rest of what you're eating, if we ignore the sweetener in it duh, and it's free) -- then find a table not too close to anyone else (it's not very crowded), and eat and people watch for maybe ten minutes -- bk packaging has a midbrown colorscheme, almost a dull orange, in contrast to the more cartoony mcd colors -- the frenchfry holder's called a FRYPOD(TM), evidently trying to sound with it and maybe attract the teen and youngadult adult demo -- the back claims that the fries do not navigate but are helpful in a traffic jam -- aha, jokey, ironic, again going youngish -- other wiseass comments on the whopperwithcheese wrapper:

Nothing says you like having things your way more than this WHOPPER(R) with Cheese. Well, nothing unless you happened to say, "I like having things my way."

food really not that different from mcd's -- the fries seem to a crisper outside layer, rather than the more mooshy and babyfoody comfort feel at mcd's --

the trayliner (paper placemat) is a big tiein ad for mountain creek waterpark in jersey -- it's headed by a slogan, against an orangey lightbrown background: "WARM SUNSHINE, FRESH MOUNTAIN AIR, AND [on a second line, in huge block letters] PURE ADRENALINE!" -- if you have a b.k. receipt for over five dollars and ask for a fivedollar-off coupon from the restaurant, you can get ten dollars each off admission for up to six people -- i imagine this promotion started in may, and by 19 october these are really just leftover paper mats -- another athletic tiein for the place -- everyone pictured on the sheet is smiling to an extreme, and all but a black mom with her teenaged daughter are clearly under 25 -- all are also in swimming suits, in the water (you can see attractive people here), and some are paired off (two young guys and two young girls hooting as they careen downwards in a huge yellow innertubey raft thing) -- so many promises of fun and interaction in six small photos --

and then drive home, via highways to save time (the highway entrance is less than half a mile from this stripmall) -- home by fiveish, with eight shops to do (not due tomorrow, though, i can wait if i don't feel like it, which i do, or is that don't...) -- but i have to write the scheduler about the dropped appointment, because this assignment was already late when i was asked to start on it two weeks back -- i can see why; the target's not that accessible -- anyhow, when i told the scheduler the apptmt was for today, she pushed the due date forward to today -- and now that ain't happening -- so anyhow, i email her, explaining that i spent an extra hour on the assignment today for nothing, and asking how we should handle it -- she writes back the next morning, pushing the due date forward to the date of the new appointment and upping the compensation by 15 --

home by fiveish -- i ping a. at 519, but she's afk, maybe not home yet --

usually on these long assignment trips, especially to banks, i pick stuff up, for subsequent perusal -- today: bank-promo map of subway system, to be looked at for possible interest and then chucked; local "yellow book" brand yellowpages directory, from a pile of three left in one of the atm lobbies i visited, to be placed with other local directories in the house for possible use for the next year or so; a multicolor pen left in a bank lobby (i was supposed to examine each branch for overall neatness); two local events and local tourism brochures, from piles in yet another bank lobby; and finally, a hugeass burgerking cup, like 32oz or better, that i drank two fillups from at dinner, and might be able to use after running it in the dishwasher (in the event. it lasted only about two or three weeks, b/c i used it to heat or reheat something in the microwave, coffee or soup i think, and part of the bottom was in a hotspot and got semimelted to where the cup was tilted and tippy after that) --

i used to be an inveterate saver of stuff -- papers, souvenirs, examples of things -- i still have several boxes of illustrative lifestuff from 2000-01; those'll come in useful -- but what with the advent of the internet, i often feel that data of all kinds is or will be available there, and anything i want to take notes on or make a record of: well, that can be done on the www as well -- as i do in lj, sometimes --

a.'s online 640ish, and i reply 644 (i'm just dashing off the note to the scheduler about the appointment cancellation) -- we talk 644-716 -- i talk w/ her about the scheduler email and the related assignment, 644-49; about her day today (tiring) and tomorrow (professional development in tribeca, related to one of the many new experimental curricula usable in new nyc publicschool experimentation, in pursuit of better student outcomes on standardized exams; her school, which is only in its second year, was freed from the 'district' bureaucracy after last year, and started in on a new collegeprep curric this year, for which a. was trained in atlanta in july), 649-52; then, about her being tired last night, missing my call, and even missing the "project runway" finale she especially wanted to see, but can catch the rerun of on the weekend (after asking if it's ok, i tell her who won, and in i.m. bits send her the article from the paper where i'd read about it, as she talks about which contestants she did and didn't like), 652-703; then about her not hearing my call last night, and also about waking up for awhile at 1am last night b/c the bathroom upstairs from her was audibly leaking into hers, 703-07; i ask her how the pill's going, and she says nausea and diarrhea were bad for the first two days but might be getting better, also that she feels hazy but that that might just be the onset of a cold, and that any side effects should go away in several weeks at the most, 707-11; and finally, that she needs to eat and has to go out for milk around the corner, and that i should try calling her tonight and, she hopes, she'll be able to answer, 711-16 --

j. home 730ish -- page 17 of the post, which i didn't get a chance to look at this morning, is a fullpage diabetes quiz and info from the ADA -- they're having free screenings, but gee: i know i have it -- j. heads to bed about exactly 10 --

i call a. a few times right after 10, but there's some weird signal issue, the calls keep dropping -- which is just as well, b/c right after one of the minicalls abort j.'s back down for her glasses, just before ten after -- i usually try to wait ten or fifteen minutes after she heads up before trying to use the phone, because not at all infrequently she'll be back for her cellphone, or glasses, or a drink of water from the chilled filtered water in the refrigerator, or whatever -- it's not a suspicion-of-me thing (she'd do that more often); she's been doing this kind of thing (mindchanging and backtracking) ever since i was on the scene, and probably since childhood -- genetic, really, as well as nurtured (a powerful combination) -- her (2004 suicide) halfbrother famously bought a snazzy red sports car in the 80s and then took it back a week or two later, after driving it around for awhile and getting buyer's remorse (gee, it didn't make him happy, i guess...) -- and j's mother's mother basically went to the mall every single saturday in the eighties (till mid1988, when she was eighty herself, and literally couldn't get out of bed any more), just in order to 1. return things she'd bought on the prior or some other recent weekend, and 2. buy new stuff to be returned later, while her husband watched a movie and stayed clear of the whole thing --

anyway, finally: at 1012pm, an 18 min a. call --

not sleepy after a jangly day, i'm up typing, listening to and sometimes reading and watching aac -- till 230 am --
linkpost comment

another midweek passes... candid camera [Oct. 18th, 2006|12:21 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |hornypervy?]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, from paddles e-radio, Lovage, "Strangers on a Train"]

early dogwalk -- she's up 605, after edging ever later for many days in a row, and i am just getting up myself -- i showershave after she's brushed her teeth and adjourned to the kitchen -- dogwalk starts 720 --

one would think that, with writing a lot about mornings in lj since the ongoing dogwalk era commenced two full seasons ago now, i'd have said all there is to say about those parts of my mornings, aside from such daily deviations as do occur -- but no, there's always more un-noted to notice --

here's something that began who knows how long ago, but my fairly clear sense is that i started to pick up on the pattern one morning in sept, and have renoticed it for a moment nearly every day since --

as we arrive home, virtually every day the dog stops right at the top of the wooden steps to the porch, pulls to the other side (which is not his and our side), and sniffchecks some around the spot where the neighboring dog must pause while going out on and coming back in from its walks -- it's a big old bearlike black dog that bubbie likes to climb on the shoulders and bite the neck of, if given half, or a quarter of, a chance -- he's even been out on walks with him occasionally, me with one leash and j. with the other, when the neighbor asks j. to watch him as a favor, if both he and his partner are away for a weekend -- i'm sure bubbie knows exactly what this scent is (the other dog's pawpads) and exactly what it represents (that other dog is still around, somewhere) -- and i'm also certain bubbie would love more opportunities to try to assert dominance, the little woosboy (at heart) -- but only once in a blue moon do the two dogs have close encounters on the way in or out, and it's been some months since j. has been asked to watch him -- bubbie, however, a distant relative apparently to pachyderms, does not forget -- every morning he checks to see that he's still around -- somewhere ... --

i really do know what's on his mind a lot -- his vocal vocabulary is just more limited than those of the humans one deals with --

and something else i don't think i've done here in lj since getting the new old car with the odometer registering tenths, unlike the old old car of 1989-2006, which only gave round miles -- the following is from probably mainly accurate memory (i'm writing this right upon arrival at the office, a few minutes later):

home 0.0
turn up the dangerous blind hedge hill 0.25ish
90-degree jog at the end of that street 0.35ish
turn left to head past the current construction site 0.55ish
watch and, usually, wait to jog leftish across the main road 0.75
watch and wait by my ex-testinglab to turn left onto the second main road 0.9
turn right (even on red, if a bus or truck's not blocking) into the big park 1.1
wait at far end of the park to turn left onto the final main road 1.7
turn right to head up the steep hill 1.9
turn carefully right, where the road ends at crest of the hill 2.0
treat stopsign as a 'slow down and yield if needed' 2.2
turn left up the final steep hill 2.3
pass the exit from school that you virtually never use, by the main classrom bldg 2.4
roll rightward up into the parking lot and turn 180 while rolling by momentum into a parking space 2.45ish

takes fiveplus minutes -- so many people share so many little bits of that morning drive with me (people head up this way to school all the time, people cut across the park between main roads constantly, etc.) --

arrive office, 805 -- then the usual mwf pre- and between-classes stuff --

class one: more about septimus and his themes, and on down into the mrs. d./peter walsh conversation with its issues -- happy/sad, skimming life's surfaces practically and feeling them in depth (perhaps too intensely to handle well or easily), same situation looks and feels different from the angles of more than one subjective mind --

class two: from running into mrs. b. to the beginning of his lunch -- more of the themes we talked about monday -- and we'll get on into 9 next time -- three classes, a full week, is already enough on 8 --

i'm home before 300, and a's home at 503, happy not to have yet another postworkday appointment this workweek -- she goes off at 515 to foodforage, thinking aloud that there's not much in the house -- 710-14, she comes back to announce that she's tired again tonight and going to bed now, but i should call tennish if i can -- says she's "not energetic enough to do anything," so it's "night for now" --

j. home soon after 730, brings free newspaper am newyork, as she does occasionally, today (or for me, tonight) w/ an article on breadmaking on p. 14 -- i really do like bread; too bad it's just not for me any more -- not sliding back into that bread trough again, from not so long ago --

as i'm getting ready to a. call, i happen to notice someone from aac greening me (that's the color pm's or private messages, come in) -- all of chat scrolls by together in one swift stream, but if someone is talking to you one-on-one by using a pm window so no one else can see, the green leaps out at you, lest you miss it in the onrush of maybe twenty or thirty new message segments a minute, a usually relentless flow which can take any new incoming msg up out of sight to where you'd have to try to scroll back and look for it -- the chat rooms hold over 100 people, and while some are silent, some are very loquacious -- as for me, after just watching and trying to 'get' chat for a few weeks, i've taking to just tossing in an occasional wiseass remark or insight or bit of info, when i'm paying attention, which is far from always the case -- not gonna have chat soak my entire leisure time up, as some apparently do, especially the ones who want to be kings and queens of chat -- often i'll have the chat window reduced in my tray, and will be working on something else -- if there's someone like fish, who is constantly talking on mic, i'll use it as a radio or music substitute while working on something else -- or, if i'm not listening to anyone's audio by putting them on cam and not watching, i'll check chat every so often, and sometimes will scroll back up to see what's gone on for the last 45-60 minutes (there's some upper limit beyond which older messages get purged and i've never counted lines or words or minutes, but it seems to be close to an hour) --

but tonight -- someone's pm'ing me and i happen to be there to notice it right at that moment -- i can tell from chat that women on cam (and even off) are getting greened constantly, sometimes more than they want, or are even able to handle -- "NO PM'S," "sorry, i just can't read/answer you all," "person x, stop pm'ing me," or amusingly posting to chat for ridicule purposes some of the stupider or whackier pm's they get -- one of my early semiwitty comments was a reference to "PM'S syndrome"; people male and female, some of them pretty prominent members, have taken to saying i crack them up, or kill them, etc. --

but back to the point (i keep getting sidetracked by wanting to back and fill about my overall experience with aac, which i haven't talked about much here, and this is a good opportunity for me to insert that background) --

the male-female proportion in the room is probably 10-1, some of the women are looking either for other women or for young guys or only for public banter, so males get far less pm attention and pm chat than females -- sometimes i have my cam on, sometimes not -- if i have it set up where it can see anything at all (sometimes i forget, or don't bother, and leave it next to the monitor by the allinone, showing black till it times out, rather than mounting it atop the monitor to get some view of my face andor upperbody), then what happens is, as soon as i enter a chatroom it'll turn on and start feeding out automatically (you can click on your own screen name to check, and your name is highlighted in orange if your cam is feeding into the system) --

but then, if i go out of camrange for as little as five or ten minutes (which is easy to do, just go in the kitchen or something), the system will log the cam off, so i'm not wasting their bandwidth showing my chair etc. -- many people work around this 'feature' by adjusting their cam to show monitor tuned to the moving figures on cams on their chat screen (you get one big window, and two smaller ones) -- others turn their cam toward a turnedon tv when they've stepped away, that works too -- but i'm not gonna bother with all that: this is not my life, like it seems to be with some on the site -- for me it's a way of observing people interacting (it's a goddam voyuer site, after all), and a way of learning to construe largescale chat discourse and interactions, which to me ties importantly in to modern issues and themes i think about a lot --

so sometimes i am deliberately or inadvertently offcam -- but if i back out of the room and refresh, which one has to do sometimes, i'll be back on cam and shown as such by the system -- if i'm oncam i usually try to be wearing a tshirt (oxford shirts look very wrinkly and baggy and frumpy; my robe is not much better) -- what you wear for lowerbody clothing is irrelevant unless you stand up on cam --

and so naturally, when "katherine" (plus a lot of numbers) starts greening me at 1015 or so (i didn't have her on cam at all; have not seen her on much, and have never seen her talking in the room), the last thing i'm expecting or prepared for is being cammed or pm'ed -- i'm in my frumpy pinegreen plaidpattern dogchewed heavy robe, bedprepping, not so long after j's upstairs -- but she invites me to watch and to show -- well, what the hell, another experience, and probably one that many people are mainly on this site for -- to me it's not that different from mb'ing by oneself -- sex is sex; mb is mb, even if visually and discursively medialinked --

i click on her cam, and then click on her camfeed pic, which opens up her profile page in a new browserwindow -- ok, she's in her 40s -- so off we go, typing comments back and forth to one another, and i show her what she's showing me, which is pretty graphic and focused -- she shows very upclose, and explicitly wants the same, asks for what she wants -- i tell her i can't stay that long, which i can't, but i think she wants something quick anyhow -- it's over in under ten minutes, and after i'm done letting her see what she wants to see, which requires me holding the cam steadily in my hand with 'local cam' clicked so i can see what's in frame, i put the cam down on the table, turning my output feed nearly black in a bedroom that is dark, except for one lamp focused on me -- and then we chat just a little, not much at all -- soon i dismiss myself, making a mental note of her name so i can recheck her at a later date, or notice her if she's in chat again when i am --

i call a. at 1039 and she doesn't pick up -- too groggy again, i bet --
linkpost comment

tuesday, my only open day this week [Oct. 17th, 2006|12:16 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |restlessstrange]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, John Lennon, "Strange Days Indeed"]

this is my only open weekday this week: i have nine shop assignments scheduled for thursday --

j decides upon arising to stay home today -- she's felt under the weather since friday (later and later dogwalks every day since then...) -- and the mom stuff that's started will take time -- she'll do some today, while in part recharging -- before last night she hadn't talked to her mother in over a year -- i believe the nocontact trigger at that point (fall 05???) was a few angry and perhaps halfinthebag voicemails to j's then cellphone number, accusing her of molesting her halfbrother -- part, i imagine, of mom's constant selfexculpatory cerebration concerning his 25 march 04 suicide -- and now j. has to visit her, deal with hospital stuff, run a few errands maybe, etc. --

also, there's the cat, the one j. took over from her aunt's blind diabetic 300lb. onetime theatre student, shortly before his death in subsidized midtown manhattan housing last year -- it developed a u.r.i. several weeks ago -- from the living room couch she can be heard in the evening on the stairs, wheezing as she waits for j. to come up to bed -- j. has talked of taking her to the vet for a couple of weeks, but by taking today off she'll finally get to that as well, she says, in the afternoon, after i come home --

so, unusual schedule today, unopted for by me -- and because she doesn't need to be to work and feels sick, we're running further behind then ever on morning stuff --

first, there's the a/c -- it's cooler now, she figures she won't want it again (in the 1990s, it used to come out around labor day, certainly in sept) -- on saturday afternoon she'd initially mentioned she wanted me to take it out (up there is not really my turf any more; she can figure out how she wants things to be; i'm up there once a week or less, for a minute or two at a time) -- on sat. afternoon, i'd agreed to do it monday evening with her home, in case more than one person was needed at some point in the process -- and on monday, because on the weekend it might still have had water in it from wed.'s heavy rain, and there was no rain in the forecast till heavy rain again on tuesday (you can't really tell if there's water in it or not till you start to take it out and tilt it, and by then it's too late to back out, so the best rule is to wait as long after a major rain as possible) -- anyhow, it seemed as if monday was the optimum -- i even wrote a note on the weekend to this effect, to remind me, and left it on the kitchen counter where i knew i'd have to see it monday afternoon -- but then she got home late monday, and also had unforeseen momstuff, and now on the other hand is not going in today and hence is around, and it's going to rain this afternoon they say, which will hold this up for days longer (after a heavy rain, water sits in the bottom of the a/c for days evaporating, and if you try to take it out with any water in it, dirty water inevitably dumps all over the place, and all over you) --

anyhow, about 810am i take ten minutes and take it out myself, simply sitting it on the floor on its flat rear panel, directly beneath the window it'll go back into in may -- i also see that there's also an empty wasp tube glued onto the sill beneath the unit -- i kinda have a vague sense it may be from summer 05, the first year j. started sleeping in the guestbedroom during the summer i believe (partly, the smaller size of the guestroom makes it easier to keep cool in the summer, when the top from is very hot, often 95 or better during hot spells) -- but not sure whether the lighbrown wasp pipe (how to they extrude it? yuck) is new to me (06) or not (05) -- "so is summer over? another season ends," she says half to me and half to herself in her characteristic sadthought fashion -- i brace myself silently, resolving not to say anything that might cause a problem --

she then tells me to drive up to coffee and meet her there to save some time -- i start five minutes after she leaves, and arrive just about when she does, so i can hold the dog while she gets coffee inside -- she'll walk him home -- so now i actually get to use the cupholder in this car, b/c the coffee can cool while i drive up to work -- it does splash up out the stupid sippyhole a tad, with all the turns and bumpholes and uphills -- but a few quick napkinwipes in the parking lot when i arrive at work basically rectify that --

also in the lot, i wipe a bit more yesterday egg off the area below the driverside of the windshield (i did a bit more futzing before and after the earlymorning newspaper trip, but there was no time as i left for coffee) -- not much egg left now, but not quite down to undetectable either -- supposed to rain today, though; maybe that'll help -- a bit of drizzle began about 855, as i approached the office up the back side of the hill --

i don't know whether i feel more comforted or more trite to be walking into a university building with a large starbucks cup and an overstuffed computer bag, but wtf -- i used to want to be bourgeois, to hide out as normal while really being me, in my head and in my plans -- but now i just don't see the point in struggling for that, or pretending to be that -- and i feel so alienated from the legion of bourgeois academic phonies who pretend to be deep thinkers when they really nothing more than another shallow and underwhelming lifestyle choice within the vast category 'bourgeois' --

i settle in to the mwf preafternoon preproom to type -- toss the slightly gooey and partly road dirt blackened napkin into the classroom wastebasket, then type till after 1015 -- odd moment: while checking email around ten, i try to get signal to call j's cellphone, but as ever it's dicey up here, cellhell -- in leaning toward the window to get better signal i brush the plug hanging out of the wall socket, which is oddly placed a good three feet off the ground and right next to the window -- instant poweroff -- have to reboot -- need to be careful in here -- the computer stuff and (ancient times!) vhs player chained to the desk in here are all fed into a powerstrip that sits right at your feet for easy kicking, and (given the lengths of all the cords, and the antitheft deskchaining) it can't be moved out of harm's way -- and the strip in turn is plugged into the weirdly elevated wallsocket, where the plug tilts downwards under the effects of gravity on the cord, leaving the prongs a small fraction of an inch, in the best circumstances, from pulling out far enough to delete anything you have unsaved at that moment -- after the poweroff, during the reboot, i carefully try to plug it in really solidly and straight, but it just won't stay put, droops right back down again to the outskirts of disconnection -- sigh, what else is new around here?

as i head out to find another room (i know there's a class in the preproom at 1045, and students will start coming in between 1015 and 1030), there's another sheesh/shit moment -- for several weeks now i've kept running into short toddling/limping library lady who knows me and often says hi -- barbara -- her office is on the library groundfloor, a floor where i spent so much time before and between classes in 2001-03 (in sept 03 i was given shared access to a desk in a shared faculty office) -- very annoying that i'm running into her so much; one doesn't want to be seen too much, or have someone else think you're running into her more than is comfortably normalfeeling -- our closest encounter so far is that she kicked me out of this preproom in order to use it for some tu/th midmorning session or class a good twothree weeks ago now, which exacerbated somewhat my basal level of feeling like i don't belong here and am seen in that light --

anyhow, today as i am about to walk out of the preproom bldg door at 102Xam to find an open room in the next building for the 1045am ff. timeslot, i spot her coming from way down the hall and turn back (did she see me? not sure) -- and then i instead look through both floors of the bldg i'm in for an empty room, but none seems likely yet, so again i am ready to head down the fairly narrow back stairwell and on to another building to check there when -- shit, there she is about to come up, has already spotted me as i reach the landing: she's already stopped to wait at the bottom to let me come down (she knows i walk quickly, and she slowly) -- but i in turn stop and wait to give her a chance to come up -- and being an oldfashioned catholiclady she immediately comprehends some male chivalrically yielding to an older woman --

i do find a place, though, in the unused midhall complab on the first floor of the other building, the room i often use in the mornings, from after 8 till before 11, mwf's -- it's open and i stay in there till 130, through the last precommonhour slot and then on through the commonhour slot as well --

and from there i write my college roommate t. soon after midday --

Subject: Fwd: Introducing New Programs at [university] Online
Date: Tue 17/10/2006 12:38 PM

woohoo, a spam i just got (below) reminded me to write you -- hope all's going well the last fortnight or so -- my bday last week was ok, i'm assuming yours likewise -- without going into email archives, my impression is you have somewhat timesucking family and mom stuff the early and middle part of oct, till she decamps to fla -- so write when you have time -- and re [online teaching place he's told me i should apply for, where he has worked two or three years], haven't heard anything from them yet, but maybe soonish i suppose -- i recall tues and thur are hard days for you this term, though easier so far for me -- hope all's going well and the usual lifestuff [i.e., his ongoing mourning for ex-fiancee, since aug. 05] isn't too bad, for now best wishes as ever, l/g

--- Begin forwarded message:

From: College News
To: my main email addy
Subject: Introducing New Programs at [...] Online
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 10:56:53 -0500 (CDT)


in the morning, in the stripmall lot, i told j. i'd be home oneish, but when i get home not long before 200 she's not there anyhow -- probably at hospital, that's the only thing on her agenda in close walking distance -- she gets home near 300, then takes the car to go pick up mom's homecare person (and last night's noteleaver), vivian (hereafter, v.) -- so the cat'll have to wait longer, apparently -- j. knows we have the sushi shop assignment here locally at 500 -- i'm supposed to meet them in the car out in front of the house so v. can be dropped at her house near the mall and (v. doesn't know this) j. and i can continue further to the restaurant -- as j. goes to pick up v., i jot up some notes on a sheet about info i am supposed to get as part of the assignment: what info's wanted for descriptions, what timings are wanted, other details to be noted for the highly detailed report i'm supposed to write afterwards --

as i head out of the house the rain has gotten really heavy -- latemorning and midday it was still fairly light, had been on-and-off only at first -- at two it was steady and moderate -- but this is the worst part of the storm -- a gradual multihour crescendo for this one, rather than sudden onset and short duration -- i spot the car directly across the street, tailpipe steaming, and move quickly to make it into the rear seat before i can get too uncomfortably wet --

from back here i soon spot a lipstick, between the little storage compartment between the two front seats and the passenger seat -- and j. doesn't use lipstick -- i think for a moment of asking v. if it's hers -- but not a good idea -- bet it's k.'s, fell out of her pocket when she was lying back in the passenger seat last time she was in here, six days ago -- hmm, great -- i slip it in my rightfront pantspocket, making a mental note to 1/ keep it out of sight, and 2/ try to remember to offer it back to k. next time i see her --

v. is weird -- barbara sometimes is nice to her, i've noticed in the several years since she became her part time governmentpaid homecare aide, and sometimes she's mean to her, calls her stupid and a lesbian and so on -- and v. is kind of passive or something, or really lets it roll off her back, or is it that she somehow enjoys it? (j. speculates that v.'s mother lived with her and was mean to her for years, based on what evidence exactly i'm not certain, but i also wouldn't say she must be wrong) -- anyhow, i am reminded, as j. and v. talk on the 20plus minute drive to v.'s place, that v. works at the same store in the mall where k. now does as well -- and, in fact, in the same dept. -- v. works part time in security, and k. is in sales, works a register and stocks and neatens clothes in her area --

wonder if they have met one another yet? -- wonder if i'd ever run into or be seen by v. when meeting k. at her workplace, which i've somewhat started to do -- what a strange mishmash of coincidences life is -- and yet another little worry or anxiety for me that i don't really know what i can do about in any solid way -- never going into k's dept would seem like an overreaction when i don't know there's a definite problem -- i've walked through k.'s dept multiple times now looking at employees when i have trouble finding k. immediately, and i've never yet spotted v., to my knowledge -- but i'd forgotten what she looked like till just now, hadn't seen her for a couple of years at least, i think -- maybe i should ask k. is she knows a v. -- or maybe not, could be tricky -- well, don't need to worry about it now --

we drop off v. in front of her place, two minutes from the mall, and then on to the sushiplace -- arrive 505 for the 500 reservation i called in yesterday afternoon -- driving rain as we park a couple of blocks away (we don't want to pay for valet service), in with an umbrella apiece --

the sushi room is utterly empty as we enter, and never has more than one or two other tables occupied the entire time we are there; weather's been vile all day, really -- the adjoining hibachi rooms, with performing chefs, for which the place is far better known, have some sizable parties audibly going; doubtless those are prescheduled events, for which people brave the elements to keep appointments and avoid losing deposits -- service is okayish, food fine -- i am not doing well on recording exact timings for every event in writing as i go, will have to reconstruct mentally and interpolate some, in a fair way -- actually, i'm not sure how they expect you to be inconspicuous, as a reviewer required to record so much detail, when the place is so empty and anything you do pretty conspicuous -- but they gave a choice of only midweek dates, they must want midweek coverage -- when i go to use and inspect the bathroom (j does the women's...) i jot notes and catch up, but i can only do that once or twice at most without seeming odd and calling attention to myself --

after appetizer and entrees, the server (who's invisible 95% of the time) does a basic clearoff of large dinnerthings but leaves a fair amount of crap sitting on the table, which j starts to comment on to me -- i say 'give them time and mention it when he asks about dessert' (he's disappeared again...) -- a few minutes later, the manager comes by and thanks us for coming -- j. mentions the mess in front of us and he apologies, stating that the server is covering the hibachi areas as well -- o, we say -- he then leaves, and the mess never does get removed -- well, that goes in the report just as it happened -- the point is not to smileyface everything, it's to be honest without being inaccurate or unfair -- i wonder what they really do/i> with these reports? compile them and use them subrosa in performance evaluations? andor show them to the staff people involved? after i submit my pre-edited draft (someone tweaks it subsequently and gives me a rating on a scale of 10), i never hear of it again, duh... in life, all endings are unknown, because wherever you are and whatever the last thing is you know, there's always a future --

and then we have to sit at the bar afterwards and buy drinks, observing how the barkeep handles money transactions and what shape he keeps the bar in -- on assignments like this (rest. plus bar) it's easy to be 'spotted' when things are slow, b/c in r.l. i think hardly anyone has an entire tablemeal, then heads for the bar for twenty minutes before departing -- they just order drinks at their table -- so, within a couple minutes after we sit down and order a glass of red wine apiece, then pay with a giftcard (also fairly unusual, i think), the barkeep starts in being really really friendly, kind of halfnice and halfteasing -- he mentions to j all the things he has to offer (she's not drinking her wine; eventually i have it), and following a bit of discussion ends up making her a fruity lowalc drink in a hollow porcelain orientalstyle catstatue that you drink from through a strawhole, and she qvells over how cute it is (it's now sitting on our kitchen counter among other decorative foodrelated items) --

when the barkeep steps away for a minute, the manager is there suddenly, behind the bar, making sure we're happy, talking about other locations and where they are -- i imagine he's been clued in too, now -- yes, at this point i'm pretty sure we're caught, but if they don't say anything and i don't say anything, i'll jus file it as a regular assignment -- if i raise with the scheduler the idea that i think i was spotted (even though it's client's and the scheduler's fault for setting up the assignment in a very spottable way), they might not accept the report, and i'd have some kind of problem -- ah well, it's actually better in a sense for the employees if they are sharp enough to spot a 'shopper' and behave well, rather than overtly calling you on it or something, voiding the review, and then maybe getting a worse report from an unspotted shopper later on -- we leave when we've virtually emptied the 70dollar giftcard -- nice appetizer, two nice entrees, a nice dessert (fried i.c.), and three bar drinks --

we have to cover the tip (shop rules; we have to scan and send the receipts to them) -- and b/c j. as usual never has any cash on her unless she's gone out of her way to get some ahead of time, and she's forgotten this time despite a premention from me, not only do i take her out by my efforts (i have to do the report; she doesn't), i have to pay the tips as well (she usually does that, tenplus bucks in this case, as her part of the input for the nice meal) --

anyway -- drive home in the now-lightish rain between 640 and 700ish -- i start the report that needs to be filed tonight, then decide to touch base with a. so i can focus on the report for the requisite hour or so -- we talk from 732 to 747pm; she's home from a dentist apptmt, tired, was about to turn the comp off and go to bed when i pinged her -- her teeth are not in absolute 100% shape -- the root canal that she had when i first knew her was not done right, it comes out -- which she was kind of worried about at the time -- now needs to be redone -- she doesn't like dentists; i tease her about being an omniphobe, or totaliterrorist -- also other cavities, a crown, possibly a bone graft needed on one tooth -- apparently her fears have kept her away from dentists a fair amount -- she got somewhat wet on way to the apptmt; there's no good subway route from her school to the dentist's office; she had to walk some -- and i mention the restaurant assignment and report, which always embarrasses me b/c she went with me on the first one i did, and i have to go with someone, so locally here it's been j. -- i tell her i'll call around ten, or soon after; i know she likes to get to sleep this a/y in time to get eight hours and be up before 630 --

doing a report with j. can be tough -- when i ask about her entree, usually her initial offering is something like "it was fine, it was ok" and then when i ask for something specific (i have to write a short para describing and evaluating each item), she'll offer something like "it was really good, it was well prepared" -- so i have to crossexamine and pull teeth to get any specific details or nongeneric adjectives, a multiminute process in most cases -- she's not dumb; i think her tendency to inarticulateness is really just a function of several related things: not wanting to make an effort, being lost in her own general reaction rather than analytical about that reaction, and also a larger tendency to want to keep information to herself (it has to be dragged out of her, often, on even the most banal and innocuous-seeming topic; knowledge is power, i guess, and therefore keeping information to oneself means greater control and less possibility of interference by or impact from others -- ever since she tracked down her father's family's roots in rural easternshore md/va, back in the mid 90s, i will sometimes poke her, when she's being uncommunicative, about whether she's trying to keep her still hid from th'damm revenooers) -- anyhow, finally, the report's done not long before 900, and then i get to veg some --

meanwhile, i see i've gotten these two emails from t., in response to mine to him, from midday:

Subject: A wonderful addition to the department
Date: Tue 17/10/2006 08:41 PM

Dear [t's boss],

I'm writing to pass along the resume of a dear friend of mine, Greg [lastname],
who I'm pleased [to say] would look forward to joining us. I've known Greg
since our college days together and am in so many ways the better for the
experience. His resume [e-version attached] speaks for itself, and I trust
that your communications with him will leave you as convinced as I am that
he would be in every way a wonderful addition to the department. Best. t.


then, to me directly:

Tue 17/10/2006 08:56 PM

Thanks for reaching out. I'm embarassed that I've only today relayed your cv
to [my boss]. I've been more or less ok, but also relatively overwhelmed with
school, my mom, and various and sundry. I'm sorry about being slow to get
this done, but hope and trust that things will move more quickly now that
they're out of my hands.

Let me know when more precisely your birthday was last week so that I can
record it and be sure to mark the day in the future. Sorry I missed it this
year, but am glad that it was ok. Mine's actually today. I'm just twenty-four
months shy of having been on this earth for a bloody half a century. How in the
world did that happen. Otherwise, other than a brief message from [ex-fiancee],
which has me feeling a bit down, it's just been a long teaching day, and so,
while not eventful in any unusual way, it's been a useful day, and being useful's
as good a way to spend one's birthday, I suppose, as any other, or at least better
than at least some less useful ways.

Not a lot else to report otherwise. Mom's heading south next week, which is
good in different ways for all concerned. I'm set to meet her new beau over
the weekend, which'll be nice enough, I'm sure, as he sounds like a decent
guy and seems to be treating her well and making her happy, which is a good
thing. Otherwise, "lifestuff" is what it is, and I'm generally ok. Hope you're
well and that we maybe find a time towward the end of the month or early in the
next one to get together. Best, as always. t.

wow, that's a month -- but probably things'll work out ok in the end -- better not to add a negative tone when you're asking for a favor --

i fall asleep by mistake while waiting for j. to go to bed, never do call a. -- but as i tell myself when that happens, more recently, she can use the sleep, was about to go to bed at 730pm -- and maybe that new pill puts extra stress on her system, today was only her first day with it --
linkpost comment

another fantastic monday... [Oct. 16th, 2006|04:15 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |another great day...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Bon Jovi, "Have a Nice Day"]

as i depart for the paper before seven a.m., i notice that b.f. has left the outer frontdoor unlocked, springbolt resting against doorjamb, not even totally closed -- accidental? a message? if the latter, i am sure she knows i will be the one to come upon and notice it when going out early, as she must hear me do daily in the six a.m. hour, despite how relatively quiet i like to be -- can't be anywhere near silent, going down the mainly creaky steps in the stairwell to the foyer -- if a message, is it some comment or complaint because she's gotten up in the five minutes i am gone and has seen that i leave this door unlocked in just this same way when i go get the paper for five minutes? does she think it's some inappropriate security risk? (her inside door is surely locked...) has she gotten up and checked it during the five minutes i'm gone? is she trying to tell me that by this? hmm: i've never noticed, between my departure and my rearrival, a rise in the level of her distinctive apartment scent, out here in the foyer... --

in fall 2002 (and this would have been among the draft versions of my notes to b.f. that j. found recently and read through; did j. notice these particular comments?), i wrote to b.f. about the messages that i knew she had sent me that fall by means of little physical objects -- just as she had done, in more utilitarian situations about household stuff, with fellow housedwellers, such as by moving garbage cans now and then during all the prior years of proximity -- i said, in one or maybe more fall02 notes, that i saw her intelligence in that -- i always see that in people, but always in different ways -- j., b.f., k., rnl, a., h., etc. -- do i read intelligence into women? into people? no, it's there in all of us, in various ways --

then again, maybe she just ditzed out last night at some point and genuinely left it this way by accident (or on accident, as they've started to say more more and more) -- who the fuck knows -- if it's a message, maybe she'll do it again, b/c right now i see no reason to modify my morning habits --

anyhow -- down the walk, out across the street, and up the crossblock to the car -- and as i arrive by the driverside door i see, in dim dawn, that there's an egg, grade a extralarge i suppose i might presume, smashed and then carefully wiped all over the driverside half of the windscreen -- dried and halfdried yoke and white, bits of shell embedded in the cement -- hmm, last time this happened the woman who lives across the street from us offered her theory that a kid further down the block was acting out, being a little vandal (she knows from troubled kids; both her adopted kids came from drughomes, and are troubled still) --

but my theory this time is that it's the guy in front of whose house i parked when coming home after picking j. up from the boat sunday evening -- it comes back to me that j. told me that the guy in that house argued with one of our gayguy neighbors about gayguy's dog going numbertwo on his frontlawn, even though the guy was right there scooping the steamy nugget up practically before it hit the ground -- well, what to do? deal with reality for now -- hurry, no time to waste on this -- and wonder if he's peering out from the edge of one of his front windows to see what happens, wouldn't discount that by any means --

what i do is turn on the car and run wiperspray and fastwipers before and during the paper run -- that helps a lot -- and then, parked after the paper run back in my own street and away from possibly prying eyes (why give him more satisfaction), i use most of my carsupply of cleanup napkins to clear out what's not getting cleared by the wipers, both before the trip up to and again before the trip back home from work -- but that's only maybe 6-7 miles total, including the paper run, so when i park the car for the evening in another spot than last night (roughly across the street from there is, fortunately, open), my dayend eggslime check reveals that, while the wipered part of the glass is now totally clear (i had to help the wipers in the thickest driedon spots), the area below where the wiper passes is still streaky, the well below that is polled with goop, and the farleft side of the windshield, past wiper coverage, is yellow here and clear there -- i work on it for three or four minutes, and eventually it is nearly normal -- don't wanna have to deal with this more than one da --

maybe i can use my old back of the fridge eggs from june on him -- we'll see --

but back to postegg portion of morning:

dogwalk late, 815, doodoo actually starting to emerge before i can trot with him the last little ways to the bottom of the hill -- wild for release, he tries to cross against traffic and i have to jerk him back hard -- in doing so, i end up stepping on his foot as he yelps a good one --

i can see it's another fantastic monday --

9ish: write note to self about homeward errands so you don't go on autopilot and forget, thus:

deposit ck
transfer j 450
ck balances
walkingaround money

i'm often so eager to get home after class and be on posteffort status, that i'll just run home, forgetting planned wayhome errands, and leaving myself with the dilemma: is there more downside now to procrastination, or to going out again for part of an hour when i could easily have avoided it entirely? i will usually opt for the former, if possible, as the route of least resistance --

first class: down to the first transition in dalloway -- compare joyce and woolf showing a character's mind and life -- discuss how the transition from one subjectivity to another (mrs d.; septimus) occurs through the reaction to what happens when the car backfires: how different people subjectively react to the exact same thing differently, depending on personalities and moods -- mrs d. likes to be happy, hates that darkside that always wells up in her (or any of us) but that she's always pressing back down (see hints of that already in the memory of her courtship era with peter walsh, the first page or so of the book) -- mention how sometimes personal associations take you back (first page of the book); cf. early french modernist proust --

between classes: don't forget that list! i sit it on the table, in easy eyeshot as i type, so i'll think about it every so often and won't miss it when i pack up to go to class -- then i carry it separately in my fist on my last walk to class, and place it as the only slip of paper on my desk during class -- that way i have to look at it and touch it just before leaving (that doesn't always work: sometimes my mind rambles between the end of the class and point at which i'd need to alter my nostop route home; proust and woolf & co. aren't the only ones focused on subjectivity) --

second class: episode 8, till when mrs breen interrupts b. (if i just wrote a decent outline of 8, i'd stop to talk about less in class, and hence would not slow down on this episode, as i think i usually do) -- the students who are there are more active, commenty, initiativetaking, insightful --

grasping my chorenote as i leave down the stairs to the groundfloor, sliding it into shirtpocket, i'm telling myself on the hundredplus foot walk to the car not to forget about it while driving --

way home: now that i've talked to my parents, i feel able to cash their late bday check, the usual 50, and on the way home from work i do so -- 14:34 timestamped processed lightyellow deposit slip CUSTOMER COPY --

then to atm lobby, transfer 450 to checking for j to take, pull out my 50 in cash (it's immediately available), leaving 15.92, so make the fifty last -- no groceries --

then home, inside, settle in, rest a bit --

i decide to take out only the paper recycling this week: regular garbage and glassmetalplastic recycling are under half full, can wait another week -- gives me less to do on garbage takeout and bringback this week, for once --

keyboard time, from 3ish till after 7 -- some lj, some email, some aac --

suddenly, at 718pm, the front bell: wow, i jump a bit -- could it be b.f., to confront me or j. aggressively about the lock??? nah. she hasn't talked to me since 03 (and is her car out front, or not, anyway...? i stand up to walk forward through the house and visually check out the front)

ah, maybe j.'s home but can't find her keys in her purse??? certainly possible, happens once a month or so, and this is about her homecoming time...

or maybe a delivery??? (i pass quickly through three rooms to the front window, but no delivery type truck's in view, let alone b.f's carriage)

another neighbor, about something housy or the like???

someone collecting for a charity or trying to sell something door to door???

the main possibilities now canvassed, without resolution or any sort of lightbulb moment, i decide to head down the stairwell quietly, without lights, to see if i can see, through the translucent curtained inside door, whoever might be standing there beyond the translucent curtained outside door -- but as i step down onto porch level and look out quietly through two glasspaned curtained doors (feeling somewhat pervy and creepy, but what can i do?), i detect no sight, no sound, no motion -- i quietly go out into the foyer, listen and look a few more seconds -- coast seeming clear, i quietly open the front door, and a few inches to my right, pinched between our mailbox and the housesiding, is a note triplefolded to envelope size -- i grab it, as well as the mail which has also arrived since three (again, lots of political stuff, i see without scrutiny) -- but what's the note? i read it, upstairs --

it's in oldstyle cursive, using streaky skippy black ballpoint, on a page torn imperfectly with a straightedge from a gradeschoolstyle notebook -- i'm assuming she was going to add the date at the top when she had a chance to verify it, but forgot --
Oct 2006

Jacqueline

I try to leave a message
on your cell Phone last tues
that your Mother Barabara
is in [name name] Medical
Center since tues. Her Room# is
[four digits] and her Phone# is
718-[XXX-XXXX] she is very
ill, I try to call you twice
since your mother went in
would you please call me at
[XXX-XXXX] .

Thank You
Vivian [lastname]


well, j.'ll be home soon -- meanwhile, a. gets home and comes online, 732pm; and she's also researching on the www, since it turns out that her dr. apptmt has been with a psychopharmacologist to get an ssri or the like for her mood -- it's cymablta; the dr. has given her a week worth of his startersize samples to try, at lowest dosage, 30 -- she also got a prescrip from her gyn for provera to see if it can get her period started up again -- she's had maybe three since i've known her -- she's not sure what to make for dinner, she hasn't stopped by the atm or a store, and doesn't feel like going out again or ordering in --

G (10/16/2006 7:48:41 PM): there's nothing there?
A (10/16/2006 7:48:48 PM): i don't know
A (10/16/2006 7:48:53 PM): i'll find out when i look
G (10/16/2006 7:48:55 PM): not having food or cash in the house never seemed to stop you b4
G (10/16/2006 7:48:56 PM): :-P
A (10/16/2006 7:49:02 PM): oh shutup
G (10/16/2006 7:49:04 PM): ha ha
A (10/16/2006 7:49:04 PM): :-)
G (10/16/2006 7:49:45 PM): ok, so go do whatever, i'll be here on and off, [i] have to take a/c out of window in a little while [j.'d requested this, in her upstairs room], but will be back after that, will call tennish in any event if that's ok
A (10/16/2006 7:49:56 PM): that sounds good
A (10/16/2006 7:50:00 PM): i'll ttyl
G (10/16/2006 7:50:02 PM): ok, have a good one
G (10/16/2006 7:50:03 PM): ttyl
G (10/16/2006 7:50:34 PM): you get the last word :-P
A (10/16/2006 7:50:35 PM): oh, and did you notice i made sure to use an emoticon so you wouldn't say i was in a bad mood?
G (10/16/2006 7:50:36 PM): ha ha
G (10/16/2006 7:50:43 PM): very amusing
G (10/16/2006 7:50:44 PM): :-P
G (10/16/2006 7:51:02 PM): o shutup would never sound like a bad mood
G (10/16/2006 7:51:18 PM): bye
A (10/16/2006 7:51:18 PM): of course not!
A (10/16/2006 7:51:25 PM): ciao


when j gets home closer to 8, she fairly promptly heads back up to the hospital, a couple hundred yards away, where mom is on the third floor -- so forget the a/c, some other time -- she's home after nine, then a small snack, all her bathroom facewashing stuff, then up to bed by tennish --

A (10/16/2006 10:18:55 PM): i'm going to bed, but would welcome a call if you are still up.

but i'd conked by then, per this guilty i.m. segment left early tuesday morning (if i miss her on the phone, i try to touch base somehow in the morning) --

G (10/17/2006 6:16:25 AM): sorry, i conked
linkpost comment

plain old sunday [Oct. 15th, 2006|02:14 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahdisconnected]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Megadeth, "Disconnect"]

honestly, in a saddish mood after putting rnl entries behind me with a draft of the last one yesterday -- probably won't finish or open it for several weeks, but it (in several senses of 'it') feels done somehow, now -- yes, that was not the whole truth -- all of us are complicated, even just taken in ourselves as individuals -- and any two people have twice as much complexity as any one -- atop that, there are the axes of interaction and crosseffect between the two of them, adding a whole other area of complexity to be scrutinized and construed -- still, the stuff i hit yesterday was important, even if, inevitably, neither totally complete nor entirely accurate -- but that's not the main reason for the sad, of course --

anyhow, on with real life --

usual sunday stuff -- in interests of catchup i'll omit most -- but --

sunday paper reading -- dunno if i've talked much about that here ever -- my parents had two sunday papers delivered back in the sixties and early seventies, from the midsized and largesized nearby cities, and other than sundays they took the midsized one daily, plus the local midweek weekly one -- when i was on my own at college, i was into literature and ideas and did not look to read beyond that -- hmm, honestly not sure how i followed current events as an undergrad, would have to think, probably missed a good deal -- but when i got done with college, moved away, got married, and settled in nyc, i started reading the paper on sunday again, though gone out for and bought, rather than delivered (from 1979-91, we could get it right across the main road half a block away) -- two papers: the times and the local-local paper -- and that's a custom that continues till today, one that i bet people born 15-20 years later haven't and won't establish -- i know it's dying out gradually but inexorably, and truly feel no nostalgia for the objects and experiences of a treeware newspaper -- but it's a mode of life that will gradually die out in coming decades, so recording how it goes is worthwhile --

it was just those two sunday papers from late 1979 till the midnineties -- who needed the tabloid daily news with its tired frumpy layout, downscale stories, and scads of sheets of wornout comics? -- and on weekdays i was busy with work, reading, grad classes, etc. -- so my bargain with myself was: read the two large papers on sunday, don't read papers on other days of the week (there was always newsradio for weekdays) --

however, in the midnineties j started buying the nypost daily to read while commuting, back in the era of almost daily clinton scandal amusement -- and when the post started promoting (revamping?? relaunching??) its sunday edition, somewhere around 95??, it became three sunday papers --

throughout the late 90s and early 00s, i'd go out early (between 6 and 7am) and get all three sunday papers -- before she'd get up, i'd have tossed all the dreck in the pinegreen paper recycling bin, which i'd often drag over next to me from its usual spot in the kitchen -- most often i'd do the sorting, and even the earlymorning part of the reading, while standing at the kitchen counter with tea or coffee --

except for on holiday weekends or vacation periods, when the insert load tends to be light, there will be fifty or more store circulars to chuck, though i'll usually save a few that i know she's interested in (cvs, sometimes more recently target or kohls) and, rarely, some circular i want to look at (in the last two years, now that i buy my own food, stop n shop or western beef, which at times i've stuck in my bag in case i want to shop for groceries without advance planning and therefore will have the weekly specials info with me at any time; and sometimes electronics, if i am browsing that kind of stuff) --

and while chucking the circulars, i'll also toss parts of the paper i know neither she nor i want to look at, for example (in the local paper) the classifieds (in extremely rare cases of need, we can always fetch those back for review till the garbage is picked up tuesday morning) or sports -- and i'll also do the same with the times (again, things like jobmarket, automobiles, and sports usually have nothing either of us want to see, and there's a second half of the realestate section that's all ads -- jobmarket and autos seem to be excuses for more ads, with a figleaf new story or two above the fold on page one) -- the post has very few circulars, that's a two secondcleanout job, rather than a two- or three-minute one as for the other two --

then flip through: many sections only require a quick glance at the table of contents on the first page, then a tossout -- some parts of the times i know j wants to have at least a chance to see (books, travel, tv, the magazine even though she often marvels at how devoid it is of anything of interest, the occasional extra style or 'sophisticated' travel magazine) -- i pile those up for her, usually on the kitchen table where she will breakfast and sit, and then i'll look and triage after she says she's done with them --

with only two it's not so hard -- when i was a prepubescent member of a family of eight, there was sometimes a certain amount of competition about who would get out of bed first to lie on the landing in a draft near the front door and wait for the paper to be left between the screen door and the inside woooden one, all so as to attain ownership by possession of whichever sections one wanted, most commonly the color insert comics -- and nowadays, when the aunt comes, she always wants every single page of the sunday times to peruse at her ample leisure for most of the rest of the week, noticed once when i took a single sheet, out of several hundred, because i hadn't had time to read one article before she got up and, as usual, immediately turned to the paper -- the olderschool educated people are (she's past eighty, grew up in the the thirties, was middledaged when b&w tv started), the more they are religiously paper readers --

anyhow, after the quick chuck, on to what's left -- many stories are going to tell me something that i already know about, with a predictable spin depending upon the paper in question, so i can skip them either with a glance at the headline or a glance down through the opening paragraphs and maybe some subsequent passages and sentences -- and of course there are tons of ads filling lots of the squareinches of display surface -- so, often, i can go through the entire post in under half an hour, or even under fifteen minutes -- i usually read that first because it's what j. wants to see as soon as she comes down --

then, when done, on to the two broadsheets, both in many sections: but given the factors mentioned in the prior para, a section often takes a minute or two, or even less than a minute -- and if any article looks like it will or might call for a more detailed reading, i extract that sheet from the section, tear it in half if j's not around (she hates any sound of ripping paper, has nagged about pretty relentlessly about that since the early eighties, so i only do it, gently and quietly, if i think she is out of earshot) -- and then i'll check the other tornoff halftissue to see if there's anything glanceworthy or quickreadworthy or saveandreadworthy there -- if not, it goes in the recycling bin or the 'chuckpile' -- by which i mean, sections and sheets that i'm done with, or where there's nothing i'm not done with, and nothing j seems likely to want, get stacked in a sometimes disorderly pile nearby, and then every so often walked to the recycling and pitched (often, on sunday mornings, i will empty the recycling when i go out for the paper, so there's room opened for all the imminent detritus) -- sections such as the two colorcomic inserts in the local-local paper go quickly -- so do many nytimes sections, e.g., business or the city, unless there happens to be some extractable article of possible interest some week --

so usually in under an hour i'm down to a small pile of sheets to look at more closely, at which point i have left for j. some times and local-local sections and sheets, and the whole post -- as for me, with any luck by late morning i've read or skimmed everything, though sometimes it will drag into the afternoon -- and sometimes i'll end up not finishing still and it will carry over to the next weekend, because all i do on weekdays is flip through the post in the morning --

so that's let's say 1% of my week most weeks (1.68 hours a week, on sunday morning/afternoon, would be 1%) -- it has been very educational, but i have also graduated from many things i used to read in the sunday papers, because i have learned all i am every going to learn from those outlets -- i recall in the mid 80s i would often spend most of sunday on the papers, till late afternoon or early evening, and that was for only two, not three -- as mcluhan said back when newspapers were the current events mode in the culture (the 60s), people wrap themselves in the sheets (the aunt sure does), media as extensions of the self -- i certainly got a lot of blanks filled in about my surroundings from papers, when i was in my 20 and 30s; still do, when i actually get something new from an article, or bits of it: yes: newspaper as a metasurrounding --

and i've made it through nearly two years, damn close to 100 weeks, of lj, never recording that particular part of my week every week -- there's so damn much to anyone's life -- is that new to modernity, or was it ever so? --

anyway, moving on... before i go on the dogwalk, i leave some i.m. for a., and then talk a bit with her while we prep -- does it sound jittery on her end andor mine? [emoticons not added back in by hand]

G (10/15/2006 8:38:01 AM): ok, you're still abed, but up soon i bet
G (10/15/2006 8:38:04 AM): ttyl
G (10/15/2006 8:58:47 AM): still not up maybe, woohoo, 9 bells and all's well
G (10/15/2006 9:22:22 AM): you must be getting ready to go by now...
A (10/15/2006 9:31:26 AM): good morning
G (10/15/2006 9:31:34 AM): hi you have to go soon
G (10/15/2006 9:31:46 AM): dogwalk not started yet, maybe just before 10
G (10/15/2006 9:31:51 AM): you leave 945
A (10/15/2006 9:31:55 AM): i have to leave in about 15 or 20 minutes
G (10/15/2006 9:31:58 AM): right
G (10/15/2006 9:32:03 AM): ready yet?
A (10/15/2006 9:32:11 AM): i am, showered and everything
G (10/15/2006 9:32:15 AM): woohoo
G (10/15/2006 9:32:36 AM): so you'll be done with therapy like 1130 or later?
A (10/15/2006 9:32:47 AM): i'm not yet dressed - still in lotion process, but have clothes ready to go
G (10/15/2006 9:32:50 AM): k
A (10/15/2006 9:33:11 AM): right - my appt. is at 10:45 so i'll be done with it by 11:45 even if she's running a little behind
A (10/15/2006 9:33:23 AM): i'll be home by 12:30 or so
G (10/15/2006 9:33:24 AM): right, ok, so go get ready for now, all's fine here
G (10/15/2006 9:33:26 AM): k
G (10/15/2006 9:33:41 AM): any plans for this afternoon?
A (10/15/2006 9:33:41 AM): you have to go now?
G (10/15/2006 9:33:51 AM): nah not for another 15 mins at least
G (10/15/2006 9:33:54 AM): but you have prep
A (10/15/2006 9:33:57 AM): i may go to y-----s for lunch
A (10/15/2006 9:34:09 AM): it is simchas torah
G (10/15/2006 9:34:14 AM): ok, i'll talk to you when you're oinline
G (10/15/2006 9:34:16 AM): np
A (10/15/2006 9:34:25 AM): you have plans?
G (10/15/2006 9:34:47 AM): she's going to memorial service from before noon till late afternoon or early evening [for recently deceased prof who was j's dept chair and boss when she began the ancestor of her current job, back in the early and mid 80s]
G (10/15/2006 9:34:52 AM): no big plans here
A (10/15/2006 9:34:56 AM): you like the prospect of being free
G (10/15/2006 9:35:16 AM): i can always find things to do, will probably type if i sit home this afternoon
A (10/15/2006 9:36:16 AM): i'd like to meet - but i think i want to do a little of the simchas torah thing and that's during your available time
G (10/15/2006 9:36:40 AM): np, we'll figure things out
G (10/15/2006 9:37:05 AM): i'll talk to you on im when you're around, i'll probably be at the keyboard most of the day
G (10/15/2006 9:37:09 AM): after 11something
A (10/15/2006 9:37:42 AM): we could have kb sex
G (10/15/2006 9:37:48 AM): cute
G (10/15/2006 9:37:57 AM): well, come on when you come on and we'll talk
G (10/15/2006 9:38:06 AM): but you have to leave in 5 or so mins
A (10/15/2006 9:38:11 AM): RELAX
G (10/15/2006 9:38:15 AM): me?
A (10/15/2006 9:38:18 AM): yes
G (10/15/2006 9:38:25 AM): i'm not relaxed?
A (10/15/2006 9:38:40 AM): how many times have you told me when i need to leave?
G (10/15/2006 9:38:47 AM): twice?
A (10/15/2006 9:38:53 AM): scroll back
G (10/15/2006 9:39:17 AM): [after scrollback:] twice
G (10/15/2006 9:39:20 AM): ha ha
A (10/15/2006 9:39:33 AM): here's a peice of info i need - what's the weather like compared to yesterday?
G (10/15/2006 9:39:40 AM): um same
G (10/15/2006 9:39:48 AM): 45 now, 60 for high 3pm
A (10/15/2006 9:40:19 AM): and it was four
A (10/15/2006 9:41:00 AM): yahoo is reminding me to invite you to upgrade
G (10/15/2006 9:41:00 AM): wow, you [just] logged out and logged back in, more software weirdness
A (10/15/2006 9:41:40 AM): that is strange
G (10/15/2006 9:42:07 AM): sorry
G (10/15/2006 9:42:11 AM): np
A (10/15/2006 9:42:21 AM): it coincides with the upgrade reminders
G (10/15/2006 9:42:25 AM): yep
A (10/15/2006 9:42:30 AM): planned software weirdness i imagine
G (10/15/2006 9:42:34 AM): yep
G (10/15/2006 9:42:47 AM): scare people to upgrade
A (10/15/2006 9:43:45 AM): or annoy them to death
G (10/15/2006 9:43:56 AM): yep
G (10/15/2006 9:44:00 AM): backfire
A (10/15/2006 9:44:46 AM): oh, my feet hurt!
G (10/15/2006 9:44:58 AM): walking, walk less today
G (10/15/2006 9:45:05 AM): shouldnt be hard
A (10/15/2006 9:45:43 AM): a--- and d---'s excellent adventure left a--- feeling like a 90 year old grandma
G (10/15/2006 9:46:06 AM): well, exercise etc. and walking will be easier
G (10/15/2006 9:46:12 AM): but that's a long walk for anyone
A (10/15/2006 9:46:23 AM): it was fun though
G (10/15/2006 9:46:26 AM): yep
A (10/15/2006 9:46:46 AM): tadaaa
G (10/15/2006 9:46:51 AM): ready?
A (10/15/2006 9:46:54 AM): fully dressed, earrings, and tights and all
G (10/15/2006 9:46:59 AM): there ya go
A (10/15/2006 9:47:05 AM): multitasking
G (10/15/2006 9:47:09 AM): yep
A (10/15/2006 9:47:25 AM): and it helped that we weren't having some indepth discussion about life, love, or politics
G (10/15/2006 9:47:34 AM): yep
G (10/15/2006 9:47:37 AM): i tried
A (10/15/2006 9:47:52 AM): to have one of those discussions?
G (10/15/2006 9:48:03 AM): not to distract you
A (10/15/2006 9:48:12 AM): yes, you were very good
G (10/15/2006 9:48:23 AM): wasnt i though
A (10/15/2006 9:48:27 AM): always
A (10/15/2006 9:48:31 AM): mostly
A (10/15/2006 9:48:39 AM): mostly always
G (10/15/2006 9:48:41 AM): shit my yahoo says it is about to crash
A (10/15/2006 9:48:59 AM): oh, well, good luck, and as you know, i g2g
G (10/15/2006 9:49:05 AM): it wants me to send error report
G (10/15/2006 9:49:11 AM): ok
G (10/15/2006 9:49:13 AM): ttyl
A (10/15/2006 9:49:15 AM): so send it, and i'll ttyl
G (10/15/2006 9:49:21 AM): yep bfn

after i drop j. off to get the 1230 boat for her memorial service, i drive maybe four miles to the i.c. place on its last day of the season, sunny and neither cool nor warm -- huge sideways line, a configuration you never see there; usually there are multiple short lines filing away from each of several service windows, perpendicular to the street across maybe fifteen feet of sidewalk, but today people have lined up sideways from the edge of the building along the chainlink parkinglot fence -- and then they step from the front of that line to whichever window opens next, at a beck or call from the departing customer or the newlyfree server -- whites in sweats, blacks in churchclothes, all lined up ordering quarts and gallons and whatall in massive amounts, at lastday halfprice -- i wait maybe ten minutes in total, get two quarts; got confused while waiting, reading tornout news sheets, and then realize as i complete my transaction that i thought i was ordering twice as much for price x, rather than what i did, which was order half the price i was figuring i would pay -- i leave an end of the season tip in the tip jars, as most are doing --

the end of another season -- getting into late october now, i.c. place gone, in two weeks the sun'll be down at 5pm --

a. im's that she's home at 113; i say hi at 134, after i'm back from i.c. and settled in; she replies 149, and so we chat from then till 202 -- she doesn't want to go into content of therapy at all -- meanwhile, she's kind of distant, says she is looking for a website where she got some tights once -- she has had soup to tide her over, is about to leave for the lunch she mentioned in the morning im -- so then as i say --

G (10/15/2006 1:58:36 PM): ok, so you'll be gone till late afternoon or early evening?
[...]
A (10/15/2006 1:59:11 PM): right, gone for a few hours at least
G (10/15/2006 1:59:19 PM): ok, so have fun, ttyl

she immediately comes back with:

A (10/15/2006 1:59:48 PM): hmmmm, ok
G (10/15/2006 1:59:53 PM): ?
A (10/15/2006 2:00:09 PM): i don't know
A (10/15/2006 2:00:13 PM): all is good
G (10/15/2006 2:00:15 PM): dont know what?
A (10/15/2006 2:00:32 PM): why i feel weird
G (10/15/2006 2:00:43 PM): weird how?
A (10/15/2006 2:01:10 PM): our conversations feel weird to me today
G (10/15/2006 2:01:20 PM): how come?
G (10/15/2006 2:01:28 PM): i am not acting different am i?
A (10/15/2006 2:01:41 PM): i guess not
A (10/15/2006 2:01:47 PM): probably me
G (10/15/2006 2:02:36 PM): it's b/c you have other social stuff to do, that's only appropriate from every angle, don't feel weird or guilty about it, there are no issues on my end
G (10/15/2006 2:02:56 PM): you are worried i might be annoyed
G (10/15/2006 2:02:59 PM): i'm not
A (10/15/2006 2:03:19 PM): ok!
A (10/15/2006 2:03:22 PM): thank you
G (10/15/2006 2:03:25 PM): ok then so have fun
G (10/15/2006 2:03:26 PM): np
G (10/15/2006 2:03:30 PM): tty when you are back
A (10/15/2006 2:03:36 PM): sounds good
G (10/15/2006 2:03:40 PM): ok vg
G (10/15/2006 2:03:47 PM): u g2g?
A (10/15/2006 2:04:04 PM): not right this very second
G (10/15/2006 2:04:06 PM): k
G (10/15/2006 2:04:07 PM): np
G (10/15/2006 2:04:20 PM): figured if you were worried you might hang longer than you should
A (10/15/2006 2:04:31 PM): oh
G (10/15/2006 2:04:35 PM): np
A (10/15/2006 2:04:40 PM): you are sweet
G (10/15/2006 2:04:48 PM): go when you need to, but i am not rushing you off or anything
G (10/15/2006 2:04:50 PM): also
G (10/15/2006 2:04:54 PM): since you're here
G (10/15/2006 2:05:21 PM): you were going to think about cleaning etc., that was one of your two things to do [from our multihour "a.'s lifeissues" i.m. discussion of, i think, this past weekend...]
G (10/15/2006 2:05:25 PM): how's that going?
A (10/15/2006 2:05:34 PM): hey smartass
G (10/15/2006 2:05:37 PM): yes?
G (10/15/2006 2:05:39 PM): who me?
G (10/15/2006 2:05:57 PM): well, you'll have time after you get home
A (10/15/2006 2:06:07 PM): haven't done much in the cleaning arena, but i did order two closet sweater organizers that should come soon
G (10/15/2006 2:06:12 PM): sounds good
G (10/15/2006 2:06:26 PM): now what was other thing again? something medical?
A (10/15/2006 2:06:39 PM): i went to the doctor yesterday
G (10/15/2006 2:06:47 PM): once a week is not too often to ask, right?
A (10/15/2006 2:06:55 PM): not too often
G (10/15/2006 2:07:14 PM): ok, thought from what you said that doc yest was about cold hangover issue
A (10/15/2006 2:07:45 PM): well, it was primarily, but i asked about weight
G (10/15/2006 2:07:56 PM): you didnt mention that yest
G (10/15/2006 2:07:58 PM): ha ha
A (10/15/2006 2:08:04 PM): she said that she wanted to fix the dizziness first
G (10/15/2006 2:08:09 PM): ah ok
A (10/15/2006 2:08:15 PM): and then maybe we could talk about some things
G (10/15/2006 2:08:27 PM): that got left out for some reason, or maybe i just forgot, that could be it
A (10/15/2006 2:08:50 PM): no, i didn't mention it, angel boy [i'd just used the angel emoticon]
G (10/15/2006 2:09:09 PM): ah, ok, no earlyonset alzheimers
G (10/15/2006 2:09:10 PM): vg
A (10/15/2006 2:09:21 PM): thank goodness for that!
A (10/15/2006 2:09:30 PM): so, see, i'm doing things
G (10/15/2006 2:09:49 PM): ok, just thought i'd ask since you seem to have a few free minutes
A (10/15/2006 2:09:56 PM): it is good
G (10/15/2006 2:09:59 PM): good
A (10/15/2006 2:10:15 PM): i think though it is time to check on d--- and see if she's ready to go
G (10/15/2006 2:10:41 PM): ok, soo tty after you get back, i guess?
A (10/15/2006 2:10:53 PM): i'll IM you
A (10/15/2006 2:10:58 PM): why [did you use a] ?
G (10/15/2006 2:11:02 PM): before you go? or after back?
A (10/15/2006 2:11:14 PM): ah, probably after i'm back
G (10/15/2006 2:11:17 PM): ok, np
G (10/15/2006 2:11:24 PM): have fun, tty in awhile
A (10/15/2006 2:11:31 PM): have fun too
A (10/15/2006 2:11:34 PM): bfn
G (10/15/2006 2:11:39 PM): yep

is she avoiding me? avoiding talking about stuff in her own life that she figures i may ask her or bug her about if we talk in more depth or detail? annoyed with me? i can reference back to the prebed groggy phonecall on the 12th; maybe there's a selfprotection or backlash thing there, or something -- well, time will tel -- i can be very direct about this stuff here in lj, for now certainly, because the mid/latesummer h. thing caused her to stop reading lj for awhile (afraid of being upset or jealous) -- even though i told her the h. thing ended in the first half of august and i haven't heard from her since, she still worries, and knows that i talk some with other people that i started in with between late june and late august, when a. and i were in a 'postsexual' phase --

rest of afternoon, i'm still home and j's still out: at 350pm i start a 25-min phonecall to my brother in maryland -- just briefish updates on one another, and on parents -- i have to call him, b/c ever since my parents moved into the michigan house rental, waiting for their maryland place to be ready, they have been using a phonecard, and that means i can't call them back by hitting reply on their last incoming message -- so i need to get their actual number from chris -- he wrote me an email in the spring that i never got around to replying to, and then a both-sides-of-a-ruled-ringbinder-sheet letter in july while i was in summerterm and h. mode -- so i am somewhat chagrined, but there it is -- i am often seen as the outoftouch one in the family -- and then, after i do update by phone with him, i am straight on to mom, 35 minutes starting at 415pm -- often i try to call relatives while j's away from home, so i have privacy in case i need it -- but she goes on those long weekend shopping expeditions virtually every weekend, so things usually work out --

j coming home after dusk, wants to be picked up, i do -- i've eaten, she has snack after she gets home -- during the evening she also mentions her midmonth money; i am leery to go into the it-should-be-450-not-475 thing with her, so i just tell her i'll do it in the morning -- i transfer 450 and see if she says something, which she probably will -- so i'll have to go into it then, i guess --

last bit of perhaps still slightly weird a./g. im --

A (10/15/2006 8:40:39 PM): good evening
A (10/15/2006 8:43:53 PM): ah, you have been away from the computer for a few
A (10/15/2006 8:44:12 PM): i should have IMd the second i walked in the door, probably would have caught you
A (10/15/2006 9:16:13 PM): still haven't returned
A (10/15/2006 9:16:21 PM): maybe you will see that [she BUZZed, which does not come across in either an html or wordprocessing transcript of a yahoo IM session]
G (10/15/2006 9:19:56 PM): was in l.r.
G (10/15/2006 9:20:04 PM): how were things?
G (10/15/2006 9:20:20 PM): brb
A (10/15/2006 9:20:41 PM): ok
A (10/15/2006 9:31:48 PM): coming back?
A (10/15/2006 9:45:34 PM): i'm going to bed
A (10/15/2006 9:46:05 PM): call if you want to, i'll be up for a while i imagine, just can't sit at the computer any longer - ttyl
G (10/15/2006 9:47:33 PM): sorry, she's still up
G (10/15/2006 9:47:46 PM): i'll call asap
G (10/15/2006 9:47:52 PM): tennish?
G (10/15/2006 9:48:37 PM): usually 8-10pm is my hardest time to type
G (10/15/2006 9:49:00 PM): ah, you logged off totally
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sunday writing writing 85: how much, how carefully, in how long? [Oct. 15th, 2006|01:08 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |accomplishedconstructive]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, MercyMe, "3:42AM (Writer's Block)"]

i don't like writing lj entries as fast as i find myself doing (especially as fast as i find myself doing now that i'm behind since midsummer and not really catching up yet) -- i am thinking more and more that i will shift from daily to maybe weekly or biweekly entries, after new years -- that'll free up time for other stuff i want and need to get to --

when writing so fast i get little time to think about technique or style -- the main attention goes to getting ideas down somehow, and licking basic spelling and grammar into okay shape. maybe. -- sometimes i'll come up with an okay phrase -- and, just to avoid doing the same thing too much, over time i'll come up with different angles on similar recurrent phenomena --

but the main thing i've done is record experiences and ideas, for two years -- that's not nothing -- and i've proven to myself that i can come up with a million words of that in under two years -- no writer's block or glacially paced licking into shape, tortured by doubts as to what to say, and how, and why -- yes, in writing so fast style happens somewhat on its own -- and in writing anything significant one would, and would perforce, write far more slowly and deliberately -- let's see: for a bigpicture angle, and to attain some comparative perspective...

u is a quartermillion words, roughly -- and it was written in all the spare time available in basically six years, let's say the beginning of 1916 to the end of 1921, though obviously plans and notes and even drafts pre-existed that point -- that's about 40,000 words a year -- in lj, to see what i can do and to record content, i've been writing many times that amount annually, while carrying classes (during the summer too), and other remunerative stuff, and a personal life --

so here, fwiw, i wrote over 1,375,000 words in 12 and 9 equals 21 months, which averages to nearly 800,000 a year -- twenty times as fast -- now let's be really clear here: i'm not implying it's comparable writing, just twenty times as much or written twenty times faster -- what i am getting at is that if i wrote, say, five times more slowly than i have been in lj (not 2000 words per day, but let's say more like 400 per day), i'd be able to build the type of structures into it and give it the kind of care and polish that something worthwhile deserves --

100 segments, 10000 words each (with some squiggles, but still...), roughly 1,000,000 --

at 400 words a day, that would be 2500 days, sixplus years -- four times the scale of u, but written four times as quickly, and hence in roughly the same timeframe --

and can i write 400 decent words a day, including infogathering and conceptualization?

you can write; you notice things; you have things to say (with all that's made into lj, so much is omitted or not yet gotten to) --

if you can't go on from that level and make it good, and make progress, you only have yourself to blame --

that's enough for an sww entry --
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rnl, last monthly entry [Oct. 14th, 2006|12:14 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |contemplativereflective]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Three Dog Night, "Liar"]

i've done monthly rnl-related entries for a year now, on the 14th of each month, starting a year ago today -- and i wrote closed entries for and about her from one month to three months after the last date i heard from her, 14 jun 05 -- this is enough, unless occasional stray insights occur to me at odd moments subsequently --

first, old business --

back during the fictional nonfiction and plagiarized firstnovel scandals of months ago, i saved a few newsarticles in a closed 'future monthly rnl' entry, with a view toward using them one month -- the right moment never seemed to come, and life and journaling were already overloaded without them -- and now, at this point, what's the point? i have addressed 'rnl fabricational points' in many open and closed entries back to mid 05, and i addressed writing issues (truth and fabrication) way back in the first week i was doing daily entries, early jan 05, in the context of what i already knew then (specifically, post nov. 04) concerning rnl's truth issues and interests in writing -- so, writing this para. really suffices; i can delete the notes after i finish typing this para., except for a couple of copied newsarticles as a reminder for myself, when memory's faded --

and the other notes i jotted, mainly in summer and fall of 05, and also a little bit early on in 06, will travel to a me-only entry -- in looking through them i see where i was in june/july 05 (warcraft stuff), some libra-aries stuff from late summer or early fall, other random ideas from later points -- but they are not so interesting to anyone else, and they are not at all polished, not stuff i would be willing to stand by as fair and truthful and worded with at least some attention -- ok, me-only entries are rare in this lj series back to jan 05 -- 1000 entries, and well under ten me-only, i would guess under five -- but these leftover rnl entry notes seem like the right material for a me-only --

anyhow, here are the two fabricated fiction articles i'm saving from last spring --

04/24/2006 18:54:35 EST Chitose Suzuki/AP Photo
Young Author Admits Borrowing Passages
By HILLEL ITALIE
AP National Writer

NEW YORK - A Harvard University sophomore with a highly publicized first novel acknowledged Monday that she had borrowed material, accidentally, from another author's work and promised to change her book for future editions.
Kaavya Viswanathan's "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life," published in March by Little, Brown and Company, was the first of a two-book deal reportedly worth six figures. But on Sunday, the Harvard Crimson cited seven passages in Viswanathan's book that closely resemble the style and language of the novels of Megan McCafferty.

"When I was in high school, I read and loved two wonderful novels by Megan McCafferty, `Sloppy Firsts' and `Second Helpings,' which spoke to me in a way few other books did. Recently, I was very surprised and upset to learn that there are similarities between some passages in my novel ... and passages in these books," Viswanathan, 19, said in a statement issued by her publisher.

"While the central stories of my book and hers are completely different, I wasn't aware of how much I may have internalized Ms. McCafferty's words. I am a huge fan of her work and can honestly say that any phrasing similarities between her works and mine were completely unintentional and unconscious. My publisher and I plan to revise my novel for future printings to eliminate any inappropriate similarities.

"I sincerely apologize to Megan McCafferty and to any who feel they have been misled by these unintentional errors on my part."

The book had a first printing of 100,000 copies.

Little, Brown publisher Michael Pietsch told The Associated Press on Monday that he did not think Viswanathan's borrowings were caused by the pressures of being both a student and an author.

Pietsch also declined to blame Viswanathan's collaboration with 17th Street Productions Inc., a book packager that specializes in teen narratives and helped her develop the story.

"Every word in that book was written by her, for better or for worse," he said, adding that work on a new edition would begin "tomorrow."

Viswanathan, who was 17 when she signed her contract with Little, Brown, is the youngest author signed by the publisher in decades. DreamWorks has already acquired the movie rights to her first book.

Viswanathan's novel tells the story of Opal, a hard-driving teen from New Jersey who earns straight A's in high school but who gets rejected from Harvard because she forgot to have a social life. Opal's father concocts a plan code-named HOWGAL (How Opal Will Get A Life) to get her past the admission's office.

McCafferty's books follow a heroine named Jessica, a New Jersey girl who excels in high school but struggles with her identity and longs for a boyfriend. McCafferty is a former editor at Cosmopolitan who has written three novels.


and this, i think from the ny post:

GHOSTS HAUNT PLAGIARISM CASE

April 27, 2006 -- KAAVYA Viswanathan, the Harvard University sophomore caught Crimson-handed plagiarizing passages from two chick-lit novels by New Jersey author Megan McCafferty, may have had some accomplices.

The Harvard Independent, a weekly student newspaper, raises the specter that New York-based 17th Street Productions, a ghostwriting shop for young adult fiction, helped mold Viswanathan's hot debut novel, "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life" - for which she scored a half-million dollar, two-book deal at age 17.

The book, which has already drawn interest for a movie adaptation, contains more than 40 passages suspiciously similar to McCafferty's first two books, "Sloppy Firsts" and "Second Helpings."

Viswanathan, 19, has admitted being a big fan of McCafferty, and offered a rather unconvincing apology this week by way of saying she "wasn't aware of how much I may have internalized Ms. McCafferty's words."

But the Harvard Independent wonders, "So how much 'packaging' did 17th Street do for 'Opal Mehta?' Was it, like a 'Sweet Valley' novel, brought to life by an anonymous writer for hire on the basis of an outline by Viswanathan?

"Or was Viswanathan more deeply involved? If someone plagiarized Megan McCafferty's books, was it Viswanathan herself - or was it one of 17th Street's unnamed freelancers, cracking under the pressure of six-week deadlines and reaching into the work of a successful competitor for a paragraph here and there?"

Neither 17th Street Productions nor Viswanathan's publisher, Little Brown, returned our calls yesterday.


***

ok, so onward, forward --

is there one para, or a few paras, that explain a person, a situation, a relationship?

(rhetorical question)

but answer it --

not without severe reduction...

still:

here's one more idea that i didn't think of back in june 05, but which i should have, and it seems a possibility --

i always knew with her that some things were true, some spun, some exaggerated, some flatout lies -- at first i found excuses for this: she's young (and will mature out of it); she wants to get me to like her (ok, np); i'm not really fooled because i discern and discount what seems to be (given my experience, and in my judgment) either possibly or definitely untrue; she lies to others (matthew et al.) about big and important things, but i get more of the truth about big things; etc. --

that corroded some when i realized, in the second week of nov. 05, that she was not being honest with me about the cr relationship -- at first, i bided my time and kept my own counsel for a few days, pondering possibilities and gathering information (e.g., finding, in under two minutes with google, his online journal, which she'd told me existed a couple of weeks before she met him), and using that to compare what i was being told and what i knew to be true, poking her now and then with comments and questions to see what her reaction would be (she was worried) --

after we hashed things out at several points in late november through mid january, i again thought i knew where i stood -- she lied to (or, at least, kidded) herself and sometimes to me about stuff, but on the big stuff she said she was solid, and i wanted to believe her and hoped i could -- there was that, as i well recall, intensely felt, and subsequently rnl-mentioned, "faith" entry that i wrote for lj, in late jan. or feb. 05, early in the 'resigned to settling in to wait' era -- and that mentality allowed me to wait through an entire winter and spring of seeing her for an hour or so every two or three weeks --

but i think i've outlined this process before, in some prior monthly rnl entry, of ever more onionlayers of lying stripped away one at a time over more than a year, from early 04 to spring 05 --

here i'd like to add a more specific analysis of her statements over time about her ambitions to engage in literary writing -- so let me redo the chronology from that specific angle --

i knew before 14 jun 05 (our last in-relationship interaction) that she was having trouble getting to writing, despite her ambitions and what looked to be talent in that area -- after warcraft onset in late jan. 05, which is also roughly the time she said she went to manhattan to talk about a contract with random house, it seemed as if she was not doing literary writing at all, or spending any real time thinking about it or preparing for it (for example, writing analytically about literature in her classes); she was barely even getting to a perfunctory lj entry, after early spring, and in the end i had to do the research for her final literary essay myself, or she'd not have graduated and marched --

i also knew that as of my visit to MA (which ended on 14 jun. 05) she was still pretending to be interested in lit and writing (she'd accepted admittance to a grad program in comp lit from a good university, and had moved there to follow through) -- the night i arrived, she was making a show of starting to read a nabokov book, and when she finally came to bed about 4 or 5 am she leapt on me and woke me up to tell me in seeming enthusiasm of her great ideas for what to write with the balance of the summer -- but i'd awoken and noticed, some time after midnight, that she had gotten up from bed and left, so i'd gone to peek around the corner and check what was up with her, and she was lame-o gaming of course, in the far end of her livingroom, with the neglected nabokov book open, but face down at a very early page, next to her left hand -- so i knew she was really still struggling with getting herself to focus on writing, and was trying to conceal that from me --

but through all this my idea was 1. more generally, that she'll mature into who she has the potential to become, and 2. more specifically, she'll get bored with gaming --
then, in the postmortem era, by fall 05 or maybe early 06 it had occurred to me that the random house thing may have been exaggerated, or even (less likely, but far from impossible) entirely manufactured, a to z -- what was my proof that any such interaction with r.h. had ever happened? i recalled her mentioning, in april or may 05, that one of the stories she said she'd written up in late jan. for her supposed r.h. followup meeting had been placed in an anthology of new young writers -- but i have checked for new pubs under her name several times and still haven't seen it -- one would have guessed it would have appeared by late 06, but i've never spotted a trace of anything published by her beyond that coauthored popculture article from 2002 or so -- possibly it's not yet indexed in ways accessible to what i know to do to search, that could be it -- or perhaps it was canceled -- as she told it, this was an already written story that her r.h. editor had invited in, so it's not as if she could have failed to follow through on writing it -- still, i can't rule out the possibility that, if the whole r.h. thing was fabricated, there never was such a story or invitation -- she never showed me anything related to the r.h. thing at all; i figured that would come later, and her lj entries were very well written, earlier on certainly, in 04 and early 05, when she was still focusing on writing them every few days --

but really only here in the second half of 06, a year removed, has it really come to me to think through the implications of the idea that the whole r.h. thing was made up -- interesting that it came up rather providentially in early dec. 04, the week after she started in with cr again a few days after breaking up with him, supposedly definitively, only to get drunk and have sex with him the entire weekend upon arriving back from her nonbreakup visit with her fiancee/notfiancee in ohio -- yes, she told me of it the tuesday morning of my last week of classes in early dec. 04, barely a week after the cr reinitiation, and three days before i was leaving for zurich -- could it have been fabricated at that point to compensate for the cr reinitiation and hold me in place till she figured out what she really wanted to do (which, in the event, planned and deliberate or not, is exactly what happened)? and also perhaps to make herself more interesting to cr, assuming he heard a similar story from her? (with all the relational things she had going, her actions and statements always needed to be calculated to serve several different practical ends simultaneously -- whatever else we can or can't say, she certainly did have mental energy, and the degree of m.e. anyone has tends to ground what that person will or will not make happen over the long haul...) --

so, following out all the logic of all this, mmmaaayyybbbeee --

A. her march 05 lj entry about being useless for writing/lit (or it being useless etc.) would have been a partial and indirect confession of all the writing-focused fabrication that she knew i'd accepted: maybe that entry (written right after she went to ohio with cr to visit his grad program, by which point she was likely thinking of moving there with cr at some point) was intended to make me less invested and more uncertain, in case she decided to go w/ cr in the end, or neither of us, or maybe even back to (ex?) fiancee mc in ohio (again, all the relational things she had going; who knows what her real plans were; probably not even she) --

B. and then, to get to perhaps my biggest new hypothesis in this entry (biggest, because it's about the trigger for these monthly rnl entries: i.e., her never-explained decision not only to end our intimate relationship, but to terminate all contact whatsoever): perhaps what happened is that by, or soon after, the end of that long midjune weekend (possibly in discussions with her other crush, dd, whom she met 15 jun. 05 while lying to me that she was driving to ohio), she determined that she was supremely unlikely to turn all the fibs about literary writing into anything real in any foreseeable future,

and therefore:

1. given that our relationship, predicated on that shared interest, was never going to go to some next level (a discussion she'd initiated in summer 04), she would instead, rather than wasting more of both of our time, simply drop the whole thing -- the idea of writing, and the idea of me -- because if she couldn't follow through on her dream in reality, then she was never going to be able to "take these lies and make them true somehow" -- we'd both just frustrate one another --

[hmm, maybe that lj entry from early spring 05 when she wrote something about her mother "seeing her daughters skew ever more mediocre" was related to this trend of thought on rnl's part -- wonder if she's now working as a bankclerk, or as an aide in a psych hospital, or sitting at someone else's dining room table and hoping to keep him entertained enough to want her around...]

and 2. there was no point in talking about or explaining that, because it would be too embarrassing to both of us, that level of successful betrayal -- and besides, she was so habituated to dealing with any problems or difficulties in life by verbal manipulation and omission of truth -- sheerly cutting me off was nothing other than omission of the most painful part of the truth of our relationship, and in fact constituted yet another manipulation of the relationship by discursive means (omitting, or lying by not talking about a topic, or not talking any more at all, is simply an insideout or zerograde version of lying via language) --

well, it's a theory, anyway, and absent interaction with someone theory is all there is -- if the r.h. thing was totally made up, i think rather sadly of her buying that red coat for herself on a credit card and lying that a hippylady editrix had taken her shopping and bought it for her -- i just don't know, but given how much she definitely did lie, i really can't avoid thinking of that kind of thing as possible --

if she stops by this journal sometimes (it wouldn't surprise me if she did, or didn't; hiding and running away were always strategies for her, but neither on the other hand was she belowaverage in the areas of curiosity and egotism), she may well be annoyed at these types of thoughts, and tell herself indignantly that i shouldn't be expressing or formulating them -- but my ideas about her are my business and up to me, not her business and up to her, especially if she's not around -- if memory serves, the lady of shallott died upon glimpsing lancelot directly, after formerly viewing the world only through her own strange mirror, or (so to speak) cracked looking-glass --

and one final thought about me me me (i don't get off scotfree here) -- if someone lies about enough, then (if not excessively stupid or supine) an interacter will of course will catch the person out on some of it, while perhaps missing other parts: n.b.: and what one may perhaps be likeliest to overlook are the areas in which one is most wishfully invested oneself, by personality and interests, situation and agendas -- and there's where i'm most culpable here: being willing to be lied to and manipulated precisely on what was most important to me, which, if we think about it, is precisely what one ought to take care to be the most careful about -- my bad --

yes, that topic between us started when i emailed her in detail about literary writing, and about her and my interests in it, on the afternoon of 14 or 15 april 04 (i believe there is a probably rnl-only anniversary entry for that in midapril 05...) -- it was an email to which she responded with the most intense emotion and enthusiasm: so i think i kind of started the more fullyblown phase of it, she resonated, and we both went from there through summer into fall 04 -- and yes, i know i'm not responsible for her lies and manipulations (i talked to her a lot, seriously and teasingly, about not doing that) -- but i am responsible for not considering more carefully that the things in which i was most interested were far from the areas about which she was least likely to fib: if anything, vice versa, right?

ok -- a. always gets at least a little upset and jealous when i write about rnl -- so to close, here's something about a.: whatever happens with a. and me, one thing i can say for fairly certain is that she is a far more ethical person than rnl seems in retrospect to be -- of course, comparing a 39-40yo with a 21-23yo is not an even comparison, in some major regards -- but i think one of a.'s extremely positive qualities is that she does not lie to manipulate -- she omits things that embarrass her all the time, yes: but she doesn't pretend to be anything she isn't in order to make someone relate to her the way she wants -- that makes her a good person, better than most people, really, right?
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saturday the fourteenth... [Oct. 14th, 2006|12:08 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |contemplativememorious, nostalgic]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Magnetic Fields, "Roses"]

WOR radio was on all night, for some reason (was baseball on that channel when i went to sleep, or something?) -- like last night, because of the oddness of the sound i awoke in the wee hours, this time to the sound of the joey reynolds overnight show, and then i heard their goofy morning ensemble show for middleaged people some time after six a.m. --

up 640, paper 700ish (remember to leave two quarters on the tray today, not one as on weekdays) -- still halfdark -- i hasten from home up through the nabe to the mainroad and, for once, make both greenlights on the main road, woohoo (see entry about the drive up from earlier this week) --

home: i have the rest of the big multican tunafish batch from late last week on what had been a dried out but fortunately microwave-revived halfloaf that i'd eaten the first half of on thursday -- thirty seconds on high and it was quite warm, but at least moist rather than rocksolid -- between bites, i give the dog the huge greenplastic saladbowl of leftover tunasalad liquid with specks of fishflesh here and there on porcelain -- meanwhile, i gnawgrind the toughish heel of the sandwich -- reheating bread toughens the gluten, or something --

j.'s not up yet, which always makes me feel like i'm stealing a march, doing something constructive while someone else is inert -- i clean the sink, load the dishwasher, all while reading the paper in bits, after pulling out the sheet with the lotto-ey newspaper promo gameinfo and placing that on the kitchen table before her chair, in case she comes down and wants to check it -- and then, when done with the whole paper, finding the place where the sheet needs to be slipped back in and doing so, leaving her the whole paper, opened to her gamepage -- then, move the big glass cuttingboard over atop the small glass cuttingboard that's lying on the far side of the microwave table -- that way i can wipe and clean the stainy white countertop, which has probably been accumulating drips and crumbs for a week or better --

by now it's eight: the radio morningshow (not WOR) has played, and not for the first time (i recall this clip from many months ago), the just-before-8 'ratpack moment' where sinatra tells the story of getting fired by louis b mayer for a commissary joke about mayer the equestrian riding his mistress, which almost killed sinatra's career in maybe the late forties -- i call j. twice to check if she's up or about to come down, once at 755 and again at 825 -- by 800 the dog seems to be getting agitated around his usual peepoop time -- so, leery of an accident and merciful where possible, i harness and leash him for a quick peerun to the front yard -- that oughta hold him -- she comes down 835, and as she gets her lexapro and water i smell her smell, the smell i used to know so well, a combination i guess of personal scent and perfume and other bodystuff --

meanwhile, he's lying in a spot of earlymorning sun on the new blanky j. got for him a couple weeks or so back, to wean him off of chewing through couchcovers (has he been through three in a yearplus, or four?) -- he's getting more mature and seems to prefer meditation to mastication -- which is hopeful -- he stays right there in his sunspot by the coucharm -- i explain to j., by now seated at the kitchen table sipping tea, that he's not in here begging, despite the sounds and smells of english muffin and peanut butter at the table (the location and content of his firstever foodsnatch with us) -- i fed him three milkbones when he asked for food after being uncaged, and he likes his couchplace, his den -- and also is not agitated any more, unburdened of urine --

as for i.m., i left a bit for a. before she was at her keyboard, and then i talk to her some between nine and quarter after, while j.'s in the shower -- i'm always juggling to keep everyone happy, no one unhappy -- is that just me? no, everyone does that in various ways, to varying degrees [emoticons not added back in manually for today's i.m. segments...] --

G (10/14/2006 8:42:15 AM): ok, i guess you got home late and didn't think you should call -- i fell asleep around 1030, and when i got up at 640 the i.m. said your system had signed out at 321am or something
G (10/14/2006 8:42:17 AM): ttyl
A (10/14/2006 8:59:48 AM): good morning
G (10/14/2006 9:00:14 AM): morning
G (10/14/2006 9:00:18 AM): how did it go?
A (10/14/2006 9:00:57 AM): very glad d--- went - she did all the talking and i could just sit and be helpful bringing in dishes
G (10/14/2006 9:01:07 AM): you didnt wanna talk?
G (10/14/2006 9:01:17 AM): you dont like them much, that i recall
A (10/14/2006 9:01:50 AM): i was just tired, and i like them ok, but it is weird to be the ONLY guest at someone's table
A (10/14/2006 9:01:59 AM): makes it easier when someone else is there, too
G (10/14/2006 9:02:11 AM): ah right
G (10/14/2006 9:02:15 AM): makes sense
A (10/14/2006 9:02:16 AM): and d--- is quite the conversation leader, so it worked for me
G (10/14/2006 9:02:20 AM): so you got home after 10?
G (10/14/2006 9:02:35 AM): d--- is a blabbermouth? who knew?
G (10/14/2006 9:02:48 AM): you just got signed off and signed back on
A (10/14/2006 9:02:53 AM): we didn't leave there until after ten, but i know i was home by 11
A (10/14/2006 9:03:01 AM): that's weird - nothing happened on this end
G (10/14/2006 9:03:11 AM): np, it's yahoo software weirdness
G (10/14/2006 9:03:34 AM): so by 11 you were good and tired, you were tired at 530
G (10/14/2006 9:03:42 AM): slept enough i guess?
A (10/14/2006 9:04:17 AM): i took a short nap before going over - half asleep kind of rest for about 45 minutes - that helped immensely
G (10/14/2006 9:04:27 AM): yep
A (10/14/2006 9:04:41 AM): and then yes, i slept well when i got home, until about 5:30 when the heat cranked on.
A (10/14/2006 9:04:51 AM): i stumbled to the bathroom, and then to open windows
A (10/14/2006 9:04:57 AM): fell back asleep
G (10/14/2006 9:05:01 AM): ah right, prewaking radiator blast, very common in nyc
G (10/14/2006 9:05:38 AM): often they are on timers to warm things up before people get up, but even if there's no timer the coldest part of the night is 3-5am
A (10/14/2006 9:05:46 AM): what, is it to fool you into thinking the heat was on all night?
G (10/14/2006 9:06:13 AM): law is 68 day and 55 night for landlords who control heat, so they try to boost the temp to 68 by the time people get up at 6 or 7 am
A (10/14/2006 9:06:34 AM): i need timers on my windows - so when the heat comes on my window can open
G (10/14/2006 9:06:46 AM): they have thermostats with timers too
G (10/14/2006 9:06:49 AM): right
G (10/14/2006 9:07:25 AM): so plans for weekend are? hang and clean and rest?
A (10/14/2006 9:07:48 AM): i have a dr.'s appt. at 10:30 today
A (10/14/2006 9:07:58 AM): have to go get dressed in a few
G (10/14/2006 9:08:01 AM): ah right, i recall you mentioning apptmt but didnt recall time
G (10/14/2006 9:08:03 AM): ok
G (10/14/2006 9:08:08 AM): dogwalk in 15 or 20
A (10/14/2006 9:08:09 AM): and then yes, hang, clean, rest, and work on grades
G (10/14/2006 9:08:10 AM): so
G (10/14/2006 9:08:11 AM): np
G (10/14/2006 9:08:12 AM): i'
G (10/14/2006 9:08:14 AM): i
G (10/14/2006 9:08:16 AM): i
A (10/14/2006 9:08:24 AM): i, i , i, ?
A (10/14/2006 9:08:28 AM): you don't stutter
G (10/14/2006 9:08:29 AM): i'll be back on keyboard by noon
G (10/14/2006 9:08:32 AM): well
G (10/14/2006 9:08:43 AM): i would type i, then try for apostrophe, hit enter [next to apostrophe on keyboard]
A (10/14/2006 9:08:58 AM): i've done that a number of times myself
G (10/14/2006 9:09:01 AM): yep
G (10/14/2006 9:09:08 AM): bad qwerty design
A (10/14/2006 9:09:14 AM): i might go to y-----s for lunch if i'm back in time
G (10/14/2006 9:09:21 AM): it made sense for metal arm manual typewriters 125 years ago
A (10/14/2006 9:09:22 AM): so i might be later to the keyboard than you
G (10/14/2006 9:09:26 AM): ok np
G (10/14/2006 9:09:33 AM): i'll be around on kb on and off
A (10/14/2006 9:09:49 AM): why did it make sense on the manual?
G (10/14/2006 9:10:14 AM): they separated frequently used keys to keep the swinging metal arms from hitting each other and jamming
A (10/14/2006 9:10:15 AM): because it was sort of off to the side?
G (10/14/2006 9:10:23 AM): a is far to the side, f.e.
A (10/14/2006 9:10:35 AM): i see
G (10/14/2006 9:10:53 AM): they wanted to keep frequently used letters separated mechanically to avoid jamming
A (10/14/2006 9:11:05 AM): maybe on today's keyboards it would be better to not have the enter button extend beneath the apostrophe
G (10/14/2006 9:11:05 AM): no point now
G (10/14/2006 9:11:11 AM): but everyone knows qwerty
G (10/14/2006 9:11:19 AM): you can reconfigure your keyboard to anything
A (10/14/2006 9:11:35 AM): right, but like you said - i know qwerty
G (10/14/2006 9:11:51 AM): right, you'd have to learn a whole new system of where everything is
A (10/14/2006 9:12:34 AM): took typing in high school, practised a lot over the years, not planning on learning anything new if i can help it (regarding english keyboards)
G (10/14/2006 9:12:41 AM): right
G (10/14/2006 9:12:55 AM): but now enter is used for send
G (10/14/2006 9:13:08 AM): so it should really be away from other keys
G (10/14/2006 9:13:23 AM): there was no enter on a manual typewriter
A (10/14/2006 9:13:37 AM): that's what i was saying - they don't need it to bump right against the other letters
G (10/14/2006 9:13:41 AM): right
A (10/14/2006 9:13:56 AM): it could be placed slightly over, just enough to make a space break for fingers
A (10/14/2006 9:14:05 AM): pinky extends to reach it anyhow
G (10/14/2006 9:14:08 AM): then again people might complain if they have to stretch to hit enter when they're rushing
G (10/14/2006 9:14:31 AM): but sometimes i hit enter after or instead of an apostrophe
A (10/14/2006 9:14:33 AM): i guess we will have to settle for stuttering i's in IM sometimes
G (10/14/2006 9:14:33 AM): ah well
G (10/14/2006 9:14:36 AM): right
G (10/14/2006 9:14:54 AM): where's doc apptmt?
A (10/14/2006 9:15:11 AM): ave P and mcdonald - same route to therapy
A (10/14/2006 9:15:13 AM): bus and train
G (10/14/2006 9:15:18 AM): sounds fine
A (10/14/2006 9:15:20 AM): so, do have to get ready to go
G (10/14/2006 9:15:27 AM): you have to leave when 930?
A (10/14/2006 9:15:31 AM): yep
G (10/14/2006 9:15:34 AM): ok ttyl
G (10/14/2006 9:15:37 AM): have a good one
G (10/14/2006 9:15:39 AM): bfn
A (10/14/2006 9:15:42 AM): you too

at 930something, as j. puts on shoes and coat she is having me try on again the darkbrown hoodie she got for me last night on her way home (in H&M in lower manhattan?) -- every so often she likes to dress me, her ken doll -- last night she thought the medium that she'd selected seemed too small in tryon, her hypothesis being that H&M is originally european, and the men there tend to have smaller torsos than here -- but this morning she decides it looks good -- as for me, i'd just rather not have the whole thing be focused on and fussed over and made a problem -- she comes from a long line (brother, mother, grandmother the immigrant) of inveterate purchase returners -- but this morning she decides that the sleeves and shoulders may look too baggy if she takes it back next week and exchanges it for a large, as she'd initially resolved to do upon getting home (last night she made me try it on within five minutes of her arrival -- that's how much she's into clothing purchases and returns -- before she even had her coat off, when there was no way she was going to take it back till monday anyhow...) --

she plays kendoll with her other docile male companion too, purchasing apparel such as fishermanstyle ribbed sweaters for the upcoming cold weather, during her weekly food and toy runs to the petsmart -- she coos over how handsome he looks and claims, vehemently, that he loves them too, eagerly puts his front legs through the offered holes, then acts and looks very proud of himself, to hear her tell it -- i recall her saying, many times over the years, that her happiest moments as a small girl, in an environment of barfly relational-drama adult women, were when she would lock herself in the bathroom with catalogues, all the pretty happy things that she could imagine living among --

up to coffee -- while she goes in i decide to check out the church lawnsale across to street beside the starbucks -- i cross carefully, then circle around past the various sales tables, avoiding eyecontact (just curious and passing time; not in need of more junk or more stress) -- nothing but geegaws and tchotchkes, really, some in sets of identical items (is this really a rummage sale from parishioners' donations? or, actually, regular fleamarketty merchants with inventory, and the church taking a cut for hosting?) -- i get to the far end of the church lot -- to head back, without walking past everyone twice (better to avoid that), i look to see if i can cut back across the church property to the street that the sb is on the other side of -- to manage it is doable, but tight; i have to turn my body sideways and shimmy a bit to make it between the bottom of the rectory steps and a bush, but yes, i'm through -- and then, before i'm steady again, he begins to pull maniacally -- i scan but spot no squirrel or dog -- what could it be? usually he's not that hard to read --

when he gets me down to a huge old churchyard maple next to an old, and oldschool, whitebackground blackpaint woodensign with no areacode (hmm, pre about 85) and an oldtime local exchange number (i even know from j. that those first three digits were GI(braltar) 2 back in the 50s and 60s), he arches his torso and immediatey dumps a huge turd, and then two quick minis as chasers -- hmm, this i didn't expect, but at least they're firm -- what to do (doodoo)? pick me up before you go go -- all i have here is a large broadsheet newstissue, torn away down the central crease, leaving me one inside page and its reverse side, from the nytimes week in review sunday section of oct. 8, whose large abovefold article (not the reason i saved it) makes the deep point that air crashes are inevitable (this in reference to the brasilian midair collision with a newyork connection) -- on the walk up for coffee, i'd been reading the belowfold article on the same page, about theories of the cosmos (see sww lj entry for 8 oct.) -- i quickly rip off the top half of the sheet along the horizontal crease -- quickly, because i don't want to be spotted, let alone confronted, in this irregular position -- and then back across the street, dumping the dogbundle in the stripmall trashcan near the sb, with j. still not done inside -- good -- and meanwhile they've brought out the table, as she must have asked (why don't they do it when they open at 6 or 7 and it's not busy, especially when the weather's still so nice?) -- wonder how long they'll be willing to put the table out? it's always been a possibility, ever since i agreed to so this back in springtime -- we usually sit and finish the coffee on weekend days --

on the way home, crap in the gutter that one notices far less on weekdays, when most curb spaces are covered over with metal-and-glass transport boxes -- ashtrays emptied by waiting hubbies across from the hospital, a lost or discarded grocery list, on and on and on --

at the last corner before my house, where the guy lives that j. used to see on the bus whose wife is a dentist, are the roses overhanging and partly obstructing the sidewalk -- still in great shape -- the huge bush of pink ones, over eight feet at the crest and hanging down over the blackpainted iron fence on both sides of the walkway to the porch, the lightyellow ones poking through here and there from the newer sevenfoot bush next to it -- i sniff them, they take me back -- early in this lj series, in june i think of 05, i recall writing about the rosiers at the nearby park -- yes -- further back, in that same park and elsewhere, i recall what roses in the fall meant to me in times when my life begin seeming to unravel: fall 1999, autumn 2000, october and november 2001, even that last lateyear of 2002 -- the roses were still alive, i was still alive; they were still beautiful in all ways, i was still there and viable --

what were my first roses? that i recall, in proustian fashion, they were a very very few two or so foot bushes in the backyard of my father's mother's home in alexandria, a very few miles from where my youngest sister now lives -- those are the first roses i recall, in a circle or oval of dirt that couldn't have been more than five or six feet across, and given my smaller size over forty years ago, may well have been far smaller than that -- and whenever i see and smell roses, i link back to that, and could from there by proustian association get to a great deal of my childhood and my father's family his story --

but for now i sniff a few blooms a time or two each, concentrate, and think as i walk on the last three housefronts toward my own turf --

ok, morning got plenty of attention today, and i didn't leave home the rest of the day -- let's be perfunctory from here on in -- j. and i do our usual saturday stuff, meaning: she reads the paper, naps, and then goes out in the car on a multihour shopping expedition; and i mainly type one thing or another, while keeping up with email etc., and aac is on in the tray, reduced, glanced at for a shorter or a longer time every so often -- and all this easily enough consumes from 1030am till early evening --

at 515, i use the remaining half of the remaining loaf of melone bread for two openface peanutbutter sandwiches, after a microwave revival like yesterday's -- a mark against italian/french bread is: not only is it carby, if i try to govern myself and eat it more slowly it's stale in under two days, even if it seemed totally fresh on the storeshelf -- no preservatives, openend paper bag that's airpermeable even if you close the end up -- hmm, i think i am winding down on my recent breadindulgence phase -- at least it only lasted a couple (?) of weeks --

by 630ish, noticing that a. has really been gone a long time, i leave this for her:

G (10/14/2006 6:23:33 PM): you *did* step out...
G (10/14/2006 6:23:35 PM): ttyl

after 9, she's back and around:

A (10/14/2006 9:18:00 PM): hi, i'm home now if you happen to be around the computer
A (10/14/2006 9:18:09 PM): yes, we did quite a lot of stepping
A (10/14/2006 9:19:17 PM): we walked for about 4 of the 6 hours we were out
A (10/14/2006 9:20:45 PM): i am beyond famished, so am prepping a meal right now - people are still at shul and will be for a while - we walked during a time when some people were eating so kindof missed food
A (10/14/2006 9:21:12 PM): hope to ttyl
A (10/14/2006 10:01:14 PM): you around?
G (10/14/2006 10:03:38 PM): hi
A (10/14/2006 10:03:57 PM): hello
G (10/14/2006 10:04:03 PM): call when you want
G (10/14/2006 10:04:11 PM): should i call?
A (10/14/2006 10:04:25 PM): i'd love a call - give me five or ten?
G (10/14/2006 10:04:35 PM): call when ready, ok?
A (10/14/2006 10:04:41 PM): call you?
G (10/14/2006 10:04:46 PM): yes
A (10/14/2006 10:04:50 PM): ok
G (10/14/2006 10:04:53 PM): k

at 1030pm an 18-minute incoming a. call begins --

then to sleep by 11ish --

[the nowplaying line is the first mp3 track that rnl slotted onto her mix cd of mag fields songs for me in late feb 04, mainly extracts from "69 love songs" -- so it's probably the first magfields and first 69ls song i ever heard]
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friday the 13th [Oct. 13th, 2006|04:07 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |tiredtired]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |streamed, She Wants Revenge "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not"]

meme time, i suppose to cut the putatively unlucky influence of the day -- i always thought i made a decent libra (my actual birthsign), but tickle.com's mememeisters tell another tale --

http://web.tickle.com/tests/standard/astrology_makeover_result.jsp

The planets are very complex. Maybe your astrologer will disagree, and maybe a few tendencies will vary, but overall you're a SCORPIO. You're just like a water sign, which comes out in the way you're so in tune with your emotions and your intuitions. Your symbol is a scorpion, which represents your secretive nature and your ability to emit a powerful poison when vengeful. A bundle of contradictions, you have the ability to demonstrate both the best and worst qualities that characterize human nature. Generally, you are intense and passionate, yet stubborn and competitive. You use your intuition fearlessly, and you have a tendency to explore the nature of existence through the study of philosophy and religion. Although it is difficult for you to trust others, whenever you finally do, the result is deep and powerful. On the downside, however, you must work hard to suppress your jealousy. Your dedication, drive, and persistence will guarantee you success, and you are known and respected for your imagination and idealism.

Some famous Scorpios:

Prince Charles
Grace Kelly
Charles Manson
Kurt Vonnegut
Pablo Picasso

we did a lot on the preoffice daypart yesterday; let's skip that for today, except for that, on the walk up, i was a ways ahead of j. and the dog, and something i'd seen near the sidewalk on a lawn for three mornings now finally got the better of me -- i stopped and picked it up, and it was an empty sixtablet sample of 50mg viagara, with a bald middleaged black guy in a ribbed turtleneck sweaty smiling from the cover, and directions on the back for how to get in touch (888 number, viagarastarter.com) and 'get started' -- slipped the dewy wet object in my frontright pantspocket for later examination -- not that i need it, but i'm a curious type, what can i say?

no important email this morning, and little email period; preclass, lj catchup from the first half of sept --

first class: inconclusive ending of portrait: similar to the pathway of the individual under modernity, always striving to move forward, and always truly making progress in complex and often messy ways, but never arriving at a final point -- all conclusions are interim, are the earlier phases of other ongoing things --

more lj catchup at 'lunch' hour --

second class: end of ep. 7, then first few pages of 8 -- sample follows -- central issue of 8, peristalsis: complex organic processes moving forward over time (in my own mind, but not for the class, i tie this idea back to my points about the end of p; there's no one in here who was in the prior class -- to a certain degree we teach classes for ourselves, to figure things out better, and students get the benefit of some but never all of that better insight, simply because of the limits of time, let alone our judgments concerning what seems likely or unlikely to be of more interest to them than other things you can say, in the time available) -- in fact, 2/8/14 (the second episode in the morning, afternoon, and evening sextads of the book) are all about this process (respectively: history; peristalsis; embryonic development) -- i've noted a lot of patterns like this in the book that i don't think others have noticed before, and i'm sure there are many more to be noted (see my comments about portrait in my monday class...) --

then, preweekend decompression: first, maybe half an hour of typing in the empty preclass preproom, and then a kf walkthough on my way home -- specials run from fri to thur; wanna see what there might be to get for the coming week, and what not to worry about for a week -- i grab the flyer by the door on the way in, but hardly glance at it -- the process is really just a quick walkthrough circuit, looking quickly or more slowly at places where i often buy things (produce, soup, dairy, sushi, icecream, etc.) -- no i.c. special i am interested in, woohoo, my circsystem thanks you, my pancreas thanks you -- no soup special; ok, i have several dozen now on my pantry shelf, getting crowded -- i almost don't get anything at all (i don't even bother getting a redplastic handbasket from the front) -- but instead i spot two 1.69 onsale storebrand cheddar chunks, and since i am going icecreamless for a week, i figure i can also get one more 1.69 melone loaf, and a 1.69 bag of wise whitecheddar popcorn -- 1.69 x 4 = 6.76, 3:07pm -- i pay with a five, two ones, and a penny, and get a quarter back -- i also notice that there's some stupid promo here now where a dollar worth of purchase gives you a point, and if you have 300 points as of 11/12 then you get 10% off on any total purchase, if 600 then 20% -- whoop, we'll see how much i get on my something like under fifty a week food budget -- only have five weeks or so (10/6 to 11/12) to get 300 points; yesterday i was at 59, today 66 -- but then again j.'s purchases count, too -- o.t.o.h., she hardly gets to a store these days, eats mainly at work during the day, sometimes goes a week or two at a time without making it to an actual grocery store --

then, across the street to the bank, moving money (157.42) from the new midmonth salary direct deposit, to zero out the overdraft protection account, leaving me (on only two classes) with just enough to cover my midmonth installment for expenses -- i am still worried if j. will make an issue out of wanting me to pay 475 instead of 450 twice a month, and then me having to get out the numbers and go through the calculations for a halfhour or an hour to prove it -- if i don't, i pay 50 dollars extra a month for nothing, and if i do it's a big wrangling struggle and she'll call me cheap for insisting on correcting her bad math or logic, as if i should be above that or not feel like worrying about it, some paragon of magnanimity -- meanwhile, she's constantly buying stuff she doesn't need on credit --

and that reminds me -- the gas is down -- to and from the office is barely twentyfive miles for me, and i drive an extra fifteen miles every other week to see k. -- other than that, only occasional stuff -- j. drive it on the weekend, and because that's only two days she figures i drive it more than her -- but it's really viceversa -- i set the trip odometer to zero after i get home fridays now, and by monday morning she's often driven fifty or sixty miles in two days -- malls and the petsmart and the vitaminstore and so on -- it's easy to get thirty miles on a car in a day and feel like you haven't driven much, but it's more than my total weekly commute -- so she tends to leave the car for me to fill, after taking a quartertank out of it in two days -- to get her to fill it is a big discussion --

midafternoon, the black wise bag with blue white and yellow accents -- reminds me of snacks in the newbrunswick studentcenter waiting for rnl to be done with class on tu/th mornings, fall 04 -- five servings (ha ha), 13g carb a serving, 65g carb in the bag, basically a decentsized meal for me on my 225g nominal daily carb limit --

lateafternoon, i have the first half of the new melone loaf -- it seems softer and nicer than the remaining halfloaf i have, which i leave in the pantry for tomorrow --

a.'s home near 5, speaks of her better workday than yesterthursday --

A (10/13/2006 4:47:51 PM):
A (10/13/2006 4:47:52 PM): hello
A (10/13/2006 4:48:34 PM): it is friday!
A (10/13/2006 4:48:37 PM): hooray
G (10/13/2006 4:48:43 PM): hi, what was the first empty message about before hello?
G (10/13/2006 4:48:45 PM): hi
A (10/13/2006 4:49:14 PM): oh, it was an error
A (10/13/2006 4:49:30 PM): i should say it was something philosophical
A (10/13/2006 4:49:32 PM): but it wasn't
A (10/13/2006 4:49:38 PM): or maybe - maybe it was
A (10/13/2006 4:49:46 PM): and i'm just unaware of my intentions :-) [i've teased her over the months about claiming not to be aware of what might be assumed to be her obvious intentions in saying or doing things]
G (10/13/2006 4:49:54 PM): np got it :-P
G (10/13/2006 4:50:10 PM): so how was the day?
A (10/13/2006 4:50:38 PM): it was okay actually
A (10/13/2006 4:50:51 PM): the kids were much much calmer, and got a good bit of work done
G (10/13/2006 4:51:16 PM): sounds good
A (10/13/2006 4:51:41 PM): and ms. [lastname] was actually a principal for me today
A (10/13/2006 4:52:03 PM): an irate parent came in looking to scream at me (apparently she made quite the scene in the office)
A (10/13/2006 4:52:10 PM): and ms. [lastname] wouldn't let her see me
G (10/13/2006 4:52:20 PM): what about?
G (10/13/2006 4:52:26 PM): you called home?
A (10/13/2006 4:52:43 PM): one of my students got mad at me because i "yelled" at her (i'd hardly call it yelling)
G (10/13/2006 4:53:16 PM): and ms. [lastname] knows you're actually not harsh at all
A (10/13/2006 4:53:18 PM): and she told me "you aint my mother. i'm not reading it, i don't have to read it. all i have to do is be black and die black"
G (10/13/2006 4:53:38 PM): wow, really impressive [reasoning and ambitions]
A (10/13/2006 4:53:45 PM): well, i hadn't even turned [her comments] in [on an official student misbehavior form]
A (10/13/2006 4:53:46 PM): damn
A (10/13/2006 4:53:48 PM): door
A (10/13/2006 4:53:49 PM): brb
G (10/13/2006 4:53:56 PM): k

after falling into the d--- hole (her timesucking downthehall neighbor), she reappears at 520 with apologies and starts to worry that she doesn't want to go to a dinner she's invited to, but at least d--- will be there for more cushioning -- that gets us to wardrobe, and then to the cooler weather -- she starts to zone --

G (10/13/2006 5:31:44 PM): well, it was 40 this morning
A (10/13/2006 5:36:01 PM): sorry, zoned
G (10/13/2006 5:36:09 PM): np
G (10/13/2006 5:36:13 PM): long week
A (10/13/2006 5:36:19 PM): i think i'm going to go veg on the couch
A (10/13/2006 5:36:23 PM): yes, long week
G (10/13/2006 5:36:34 PM): ok, have fun, tty when you're around, i got the schedule i think
A (10/13/2006 5:36:43 PM): schedule?
G (10/13/2006 5:36:49 PM): i should be here till after you leave
G (10/13/2006 5:36:58 PM): your schedule for being around or not this evening
A (10/13/2006 5:36:58 PM): oh, i see
G (10/13/2006 5:37:06 PM): ok
G (10/13/2006 5:37:10 PM): go veg
G (10/13/2006 5:37:12 PM): ttyl

after she gets home, walks the dog quickly, and zaps one of her frozen amy's burritos, with some sliced cheese on the side, j. settles in for some new show she's seen a review of, on abc, "men in tres" -- i see bits of it between nine and ten -- seems to be quirky soapy ensemble comedy, with wall to wall flirting scenes taking place between middleaged people, presumably for the bebefit of women home without dates on friday evenings -- j. responds to this insight with, "well, people have to get their flirting somewhere" -- and i reply: "uh huh: flirting for shutins..."

when j. goes to bed and i'm settled and ready to talk if a. wants to, i leave the following for her and then head to bed myself, falling asleep a short time later with my phone on (since it's my morning alarm anyhow...) --

G (10/13/2006 10:03:21 PM): ok, call when you want

but as i note when waking up early the next morning, no a. call -- she's getting keep-to-herself-y, though i'm not sure how much and why (i.e., because of her own stuff, because of relational issues with me, or because of a combination of both in some proportion or other) -- it might seem to be in contradiction to her seeming goodnight utterance thursday, but in fact if she does have something going on about me she doesn't want to mention, withdrawal, at least intermittently, seems a totally comprehensible response --
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fall thursday [Oct. 12th, 2006|09:28 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |contemplativecontemplative]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, "Autumn in New York"]

so cold this morning, 40ish out, maybe 42 (so reads the stickon themometer in the lefthand westfacing kitchen window, which at this early time of day is unlikely to be more than a degree or two off, in contrast to its directsun time in the afternoon, when it often says over 80, or over 100, no matter what) -- so dark now, sunrise after 7, hard to get up at 600 or 630 -- my triple cellalarm settings have, by inertia, remained unaltered, 557/602/607, but most often at 557 i press 'end' till the whole phone says goodbye and turns itself off, and then i doze, sometimes even outandout sleep, till 615, 630, even 645 --

i see my breath in the air as i get the paper, and still can even when j and i are dogwalking later, near 8 -- in fact, i wear a coat out for the first time since april, the mustard one with slightly frayed cuts, and a rip in the righthand corner of the right pocket from it often catching on the tip of the steeringwheel lock, in the old car, back in 03-04 somewhere, when i would go to climb out -- i always worry about the now slightly raggedy sleevends, despite repeated trimming with scissors and nailclippers from time to time --

they're mostly done with the roof on that house on the walk home from yesterday, well before the really cold wet season starts --

in the banklot, i often have a moment of challenge -- when he starts to go, i get the plastic grocery bag out of my pocket and hold it in my hand -- however, i need all my fingers free to use the bag for its intended purpose, so that means the other two handitems i have, a cardboard cup of coffee and a leash, have to get carefully arranged in my other hand -- as a righthander i automatically choose to do the dexterity task of poopicking with my right hand -- so i am holding doglead and coffee in lefthand (coffee was there on walk downhill to keep it from sloshing in the course of nearly constant dogpulling) -- um, see where this is going? -- now that it's colder, i have sometimes but not yet consistently switched from spring and summer's iced coffee, with a snap on plastic strawpierced lid, like a soda or milkshake, my dogwalk drink all the way back to when i started doing it in maybe may, to a hot coffee with a sippycup style sucktop with (n.b.) hole -- i hate using the babyish sippyhole, and instead simply unlid and drink when the time's right, but before that happens i have to wait for the coffee to cool some and also for the dog and me to be still for a bit, which often first happens here in the banklot, maybe four blocks and about five minutes down from the coffeeplace --

so i will be standing in the banklot these days, after he's done pulling and circling to find a good spot and a good feeling and as settled in to get to it, either with sippyhole or outandout unlidded hot coffee -- it hardly matters which, because what he does as soon as he's sure he's really done, is start bounding wildly away -- why is that? evolution, i guess -- the millions of successive generations of prepet canines that didn't dash right after doodooing, but hung around and smoked a cigarette or something, would sometimes live shorter lives and reproduce less because some predator would be able to attack them before they could get done and get away -- that's a vulnerable moment for any creature, both subjectively and objectively -- joyce's story of how buckley shot the russian general --

so, bottom line: like a flash, and at a moment not precisely anticipatable, he goes from standing still and even dawdling, wondering if something else is maybe coming, to running fulltilt till he hits the end of the leash and snaps back -- zero to sixty in under a second, like something out of a cartoon -- and the end of the leash is reached a scant fraction of a second after he hits the accelerator (imagine a cartoon boiiiiing soundeffect, and the body swinging on forward by momentum past the spot where the harness stops, then snapping back) -- i keep a lot of the leash wrapped around my hand for greater control -- but even if i let him have the full leash, the same things happens a few hundredths of a second later -- and unless i'm lucky, coffee sloshes and splashes from the cup or even just from the sippyhole, if that's all it has -- onto the lid, down the sides, onto my hands, even sometimes on my clothes -- this despite my frequent attempt to brace myself before he moves --

and then, during the pickup process followed by the hundredfoot or so walk across the lot, between cars and down drivinglanes, toward the wastebasket near the gate, he'll keep jerking and pulling -- he feels lighter, and wants to get as far away, as fast as possible, from his vulnerability point -- so more sloshing often occurs, as i strive to see and feel which way he's going, and all the different ways the coffee needs to be held and moved from moment to moment, to try to attenuate the problem -- because of course i want the now dirty bag kept in a noncoffee hand, and i can't change the leashhand back to the right till my right hand is empty -- so the coffee and the leash continue in the same hand as far as the basket, at which point i can transfer the leash back to my better side, freeing the coffee from continuous seismism --

is warm coffee dirtier than iced? probably not, but it feels dirtier somehow, and probably the real issue is the fact that you drink iced coffee from a container that is virtually sealed -- yes, sometimes sloshing will cause a bit of liquid to emerge from the small slits around the straw in lidcenter, after which it will run around the grooves in the lid -- but the hot coffee lid is just a totally different entity, splashwise --

anyhow -- home, where i rinse my hand for a moment in the kitchensink and wipe it with the kitchen towel, gulping down the coffee in under two minutes (minus maybe a tablespoon or so that ended up on the ground or on my hand and wrist) -- with actions of offering a prize (i know he doesn't like to be left alone), i toss him the empty cup in the entryroom to lick and then chew the bottom off of as i depart -- and up to the office by 830 --

as i walk my usual maybe twentysecond walk from my car across the back lawn of the old admin building, i notice for once the mountainy coldcliamtey aspect of it: between my end of the lot and the brick walk to the rear entrance, little clovers and weeds with small thin leaves flattened to the ground, as i've seen so many times in places like western ireland, switzerland, the adirondacks -- some leaves nearly purplegrey, some small wildflowers with little pink clusters, a few flatlying dandelions here and there -- all in all a positively subalpine microclimate, right beneath my feet most mornings, and seeming especially hillsidy this morning, what with the wet from last night --

then, starting in a sunnier spot six or so inches past the brick walk through the middle of the backlawn (yes, i probably somewhat naughtily walk on the grass to take the shortest route), comes an area of dense grass that, among the mountainweeds just passed, only existed in tender sparsely scattered stalks, but over here is flourishing and dominates -- it's a weed too, really, but needs more warmth and sun, and therefore thrives only here in the open part of the lawn, even though i'm sure at some point someone tried, perhaps more than once, to make this entire area suburbanlawny --

and a few more steps on toward the building's corner, where the tree shade starts in, starts a coating of moss, with sandy dirt patches in breaks, and some yellow and brown leaves fallen from the tree above -- which recalls to me that maple i just noted, for a moment, halfway up the backhill hereward that, as also in past years, is furious crimson already, weeks ahead of other trees, all still basically green -- must be cold ground there, or something -- microclimates everywhere -- location, location, location -- but in last sunday's localpaper travelsection, the map of colored swaths said it's already peak fallcolor in maine, and my parents' trip to quebec and the maritimes for fall color started last month and is probably over now --

finally, rounding corner toward the pine, a blanket of green and brown pine needles in small bunches, heavy but not entirely covering the ground --

and my attention shifts gear, as i turn to the issue of which room can or should i use, and whether or not i'll run into a colleague or student that i know (why do i like to avoid that unless i'm onstage? i guess 'running into' means less control of the situation and hence greater expenditure of finite psychic energy...)

today, i'm on email and other keyboard stuff in my prelastclass room from 830 till about 1015, and then (b/c i know students will start wanting to come in and settle in a seat for the 1045 class in here), i'm on to other possibilities -- i don't see anything likely as i pass down several corridors, so by improvisation i end up checking out the chapel for first time since the spring -- i used to be in here between classes three days a week in the spring, because with three backtoback classes there was no way to get any use out of betweenclass time, other than by staying right near the two neighboring old buildings where all the classes were -- i could have blown my ten minutes of 'rest and think' time on the unrestful and distracting process of getting to and from the library, or looking for and probably not finding an empty classroom -- but the chapel was virtually always empty all morning, till shortly before the lunch hour mass --

they've started a new intentions book just this month, on the table near the door in from the classroom corridor -- i never did see the old one getting filled, in the five or so months since may -- it was a ways from full the several times that i checked it out in the spring -- the big cardshoppy red fakeleather ruledpages folio usually contains benevolent comments in memory of dead but beloved and unforgotten older relatives, prayers for the health of sick family or friends, and expression of hope that a child's career will go well soon -- and someone repeatedly writes the same thing in arabic in here; wonder what that's about, has been happening every so often for over a year -- anyway --

all the way back till 02 or maybe even late 01, i used to sit in here before or between classes, not praying or communing exactly, but thinking about what passages in the book to cover and what i wanted to say in my next class, often inking notes in bookmargins -- every so often there's someone in here, or someone will come in while i'm sitting alone, and rather than foregoing my privacy or offstageness and having them see me reading something that might look nonreligious (am i abusing the place by studying or working here? i really wonder...), i will, if already ensconced, genuflect and depart, as if now done with prayers, and meanwhile politely leaving them the chapel for their own private communings -- in five years i have never once seen a student or professor sitting in here (and i don't have a mirror), just clericals and support staff such as security or janitors -- like so many other things here, it is what should be ("we offer a true catholic education") but is not in fact the case actually, in reality -- the triumph of appearances over reality, the exact opposite of what i try to be about (i certainly try not to pretend to be other than who i actually am in this lj) --

at the front, i check the lectern, where the chaplain or whoever has, as ever, left an intentions sheet with names and dates filled in, and a massbook open to the day's saint information and specific prayers -- nothing's really changed here in half a year, duh -- the vestmentchanging and storage room is locked, as it often but not always is -- "Ego Sum Lux Mundi," quoth Christ in the stainedglass window facing the library; "Vox in Deserto" in the window of the door that leads out and down the steps to actually walk to the library; fourteen inexpensivelooking wooden stations of the cross staggered around the three side and back walls, 4, 6, 4 --

i really am an observer by character, like to see what exists and what things are really like, absorbing and analyzing and grasping and learning and adding to my store of data about the world, and my overall integrated sense of what is and how things fit together --

i sit at the end of a row (there are only three rows, with aisle breaks separating them into left middle and right side of the room) -- in the spring i would sit mainly in the back row, often at the far and lighter end, but over the years i have really sat at or near the end of most rows, with my bag on the seat next to me -- recalling last spring, i sit in the back row at the far end --

and two minutes later, the sun breaks through clouds -- i can see it through the stainedglass, for the first time since before yesterday afternoon's leaden sky and last night's drenching rain -- ok, enough already, no keyboard here -- picking up my bag, i'm on out the other side of the chapel to the library, where the ground floor's nearly empty, but (natch) a girl is sitting right next to the terminal with privacy at the rear end of the ground floor, so she can keep her laptop plugged in underneath the table that the terminal's on -- circling back, instead i use a terminal in front, right by the ladies' room -- again, no real privacy and quiet -- so at 1045, when i figure the musical chairs is over as the next tu/th timeslot begins, i decide to check again for an empty classroom -- voila, same one as last thur at 1045, only this time no cancellation note on the board, just empty, again with hesse/siddhartha notes on the board from the prior class -- i know a good deal about buddhism, have taught classes where that was included, e.g., world religions -- i know so much, why am i letting myself go to waste here for so little? full many a flower is born to bloom unseen, but i am not rooted like a plant --

i work in the room till 100, pulling a chair over to sit way down below the screen, affixed to a lecterny stand -- at 100, i figure an afternoon class may well be here in a bit, and i'm tired of being here anyhow -- so keyfood on way home, not nysuperfudgechunk like last fri or mon, or chubby hubby like on monday or tu, but halfbaked -- this is a scientific test, after all, not gluttony and carbweakness -- wheat bread is soft, works well -- not staling, like the two i got monday midday -- maybe the car all afternoon near a.'s place was too dessicating for them? or they were just older in the first first place? --

anyhow, kf: melone bread 1.69, ben&j still 2.50, and limit-three progresso vegetable soups at halfprice (total of 3.00 instead of 5.97), total 7.19, 1:13pm --

i.c. immediately after getting home, then for earlyevening dinner half the melone loaf split into 1. a cheese and mayo sandwich (that gettingolder jar of mayo'll be gone soon) and 2. two openfaced peanutbutter sandwiches, using some of the p.b. a. didn't like and gave me the sunday of the jewish concert --

what else, at home? email, lj catchup -- and chatting on aac, making fun of twerps and also teasing people -- good practice for projecting a persona selected from 'me' --

at 347pm begins what proves to be a 112-minute cellcall with s. -- she's still fretting about getting a job, and having issues with her parents, whom she lives near now that she's down there -- her casualsex b.f. from the summer is still bugging her and she sounds annoyed -- but i've been through things enough to see that there's a component to this intended to make me jealous and herself seem desirable, and given the transparency i discount it somewhat rather than reacting to it with straightforward emotion --

i'm on i.m. with a. 553-601, then 718-726 -- she's tired from classes, talks of napping -- e.g.,

A (10/12/2006 5:54:39 PM): kids were obnoxious
G (10/12/2006 5:54:45 PM): hmmm
G (10/12/2006 5:54:48 PM): ah well
A (10/12/2006 5:54:50 PM): but i think today a good bit of it was me
G (10/12/2006 5:54:55 PM): b/c?
A (10/12/2006 5:55:07 PM): i'm edgy, tired, cranky, irritable
G (10/12/2006 5:55:29 PM): that makes them bratty?
A (10/12/2006 5:55:41 PM): and i think in some ways i made it worse by getting on them about things
A (10/12/2006 5:55:59 PM): i don't know
A (10/12/2006 5:56:06 PM): really not up for analysing it
G (10/12/2006 5:56:39 PM): k
G (10/12/2006 5:56:51 PM): you're up to chilling and resting
A (10/12/2006 5:57:20 PM): i ate dinner already and i have papers to grade, but i may choose to go to sleep instead

when she's back for a few minutes, after seven, she's been interrupted by stuff around her, and has never actually gotten to rest or sleep: her down the hall neighbor, an exterminator pass -- and has also been interrupted by remote people, on phone and im: not just family, but also this --

A (10/12/2006 7:19:44 PM): i spoke to l-- on IM
G (10/12/2006 7:19:50 PM): and?
A (10/12/2006 7:20:23 PM): and now i don't know if i should force myself to look at papers or go to sleep and then do it or get up early in the morning or what!
G (10/12/2006 7:20:37 PM): do you feel like sleep or work?
G (10/12/2006 7:20:39 PM): that's your call
G (10/12/2006 7:20:49 PM): and l-- said?
A (10/12/2006 7:21:01 PM): he showed me some pics he took
A (10/12/2006 7:21:08 PM): and asked if i had any more naughty thoughts
G (10/12/2006 7:21:12 PM): ah right you two were discussing photography
G (10/12/2006 7:21:17 PM): and you said?
G (10/12/2006 7:21:26 PM): see he is very encouraging on this topic, isnt he?
G (10/12/2006 7:21:27 PM): :-P
A (10/12/2006 7:21:28 PM): i said i always have naughty thoughts
A (10/12/2006 7:21:45 PM): and he asked if any included him
G (10/12/2006 7:21:49 PM): and?
A (10/12/2006 7:21:52 PM): i said that some of them do
A (10/12/2006 7:22:10 PM): he replied that he'd be interested in hearing the ones he's not in, too
G (10/12/2006 7:22:27 PM): yep, he's really trying to keep you from going there
G (10/12/2006 7:22:29 PM): :-P
A (10/12/2006 7:22:39 PM): keep me from going where?
G (10/12/2006 7:22:45 PM): into pervyland
A (10/12/2006 7:23:00 PM): i think he lives there
G (10/12/2006 7:23:08 PM): maybe
G (10/12/2006 7:23:26 PM): well, anyhow, are you feeling like sleeping or working? we'll talk on the phone later
A (10/12/2006 7:23:55 PM): i'll start working and see how it goes and if it sucks then i'll go to sleep
A (10/12/2006 7:24:01 PM): trying to get rid of me? ;-)
G (10/12/2006 7:24:20 PM): ok, i'll probably be here on and off but will call 9something or tennish if i don't hear further from you
G (10/12/2006 7:24:22 PM): nope
G (10/12/2006 7:24:54 PM): but you come on and tell me you dont know whether you are more sleepy or more desperate to get to papers, so i am thinking about what works for you overall at this point
A (10/12/2006 7:25:18 PM): fair enough! psycho girl will go back to her corner now :-)
G (10/12/2006 7:25:32 PM): ok, get to sleep or work, so you feel better later and in the morning
G (10/12/2006 7:25:50 PM): but my i.m. will be on whether i am here or not at a given moment
G (10/12/2006 7:26:12 PM): ok, tty . . . later
G (10/12/2006 7:26:29 PM): yep, soon later or more later :-P

j. home 755, watches ugly betty after dogwalk, 815ish till 900 -- it's so subtle!! -- and then some documentary -- i'm in and out of l.r. -- she's up to bed a few minutes before ten -- and a.'s not answering im's --

A (10/12/2006 9:10:28 PM): never napped, but did get the set of papers i needed to grade done
A (10/12/2006 9:10:46 PM): so i'm happy! :-)
A (10/12/2006 9:11:11 PM): talk to you in a bit
G (10/12/2006 10:03:41 PM): there?
G (10/12/2006 10:04:39 PM): ok, i'll call in a min

at 1007 there's fourminute cellcall -- she's been asleep but says she wasn't quite, hmm, probably asleep for a good forty minutes after a wearing day -- she's groggy and slurry and slow, which is cute; she's trying to hang in there -- but i decide we both need the sleep, and wind things up with an eye toward tomorrow --

and does she say "night i love you" as she hangs up??? i heard something mumbly and slurry, but with a definite 'l' in it -- she hasn't said that since may or june -- was it a slip? probably -- but if so, something that was a slip because it isn't true but instead the halfasleep result of being on oldtime autopilot, or o.t.o.h. a slip because it is true but she wants to keep that off the table at this point?

after 1015, i have baseball the radio to see, i mean hear, how the detroit playoff game ends -- i fall asleep w/ the sportstalk station left on, keep waking up in the middle of the night for a moment or a minute, here and there: i'm sure because it sounds odd to my sleeping brain, as news and nonsports talk stations do not --
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another hump to mount... [Oct. 11th, 2006|09:03 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |anxioussomewhat stretched & frazzled]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead: my tenor part in h.s. ensemble's version of "People"]

i miss a. in the morning:

A (10/11/2006 6:43:36 AM): good morning!
G (10/11/2006 7:49:44 AM): hi
G (10/11/2006 7:49:59 AM): you're gone, tty this afternoon

that's because j. dawdles getting up and prepping, we're behind time: it's already 805 as we come to the cvs on way up, and he craps right at his usual time, circa 8am, only further back on his circuit than usual, along the whizzing downhill street in the sidewalk strip of grass in front of the house just before the cvs: the whitesiding residence of the leaders (i think they were) of the great no-burger-king crusade of fiveplus years back now, the one that actually led to the cvs being here instead --

i pick up his deposit by means of a grocerybag brought along in a pocket for that reason (i usually carry it these days, because he's been going on the way home in the banklot, not on the way up as formerly; j. got yelled at by a homeowner along the way, as i warned her would happen if she kept letting him go in front of the same few houses on the way up) -- turned and wrapped inside the outside of the sack, his warm production is carried gingerly a couple hundred feet before being dropped again, still gingerly, in the still handsome new 'business improvement district' pinegreenmetal enclosed basket, at the next corner, the crazy mainstreet intersection --

on the way home, they are tearing the roof quite noisily off a house at the first corner homeward, presumably to get the job done before winter, early teens of october now -- maybe it leaked this year or last winter --


office -- my 09:19 AM reply to manhattan k.'s email of tu. 1210pm --

happy b'day!!!!! how old are you now? what did you do to celebrate?

g: 49, woohoo. neither a[.] nor i had classes, owing to columbus day
on monday the 9th (that was the date), so i was at her place from late
morning till early evening --


i had an active weekend. out w/ [recent semi-b.f] on fri & sun eve which was
a lot of fun. ran around a bit to bklyn & queens for family commitments &
LI for my friend's wedding. i'm getting together again w/ [semi-b.f.] later this
week. he's adorable, enthusiastic, easy going, gentlemanly and seems to
have the right sympatic energy balance with me from what i can tell so
far. he's free of issues, thoughtful and sunny yet intense and
different. he asked if i was interested in taking swing dance lesson
with him and i have no desire to reject his suggestion and i'm looking
forward to seeing him next.

g: sounds hopeful; let me know how things go, if you're so minded --


so, i haven't heard from [prior semi-b.f.] and i can't fault him for it,
but he's narcissitic, alpha male, recovering alcoholic, who i suspect is
manorexic and his divorce issues are still being worked out in therapy.
life experience may in fact fuel his creativity, but he's also tainted
by it.

in the past i'd be all over someone with so many complex problems/issues
but i'm over it. he's a passionate guy, who I enjoy being quiet with
but i don't see him shining over all direct light onto me and i'm
unwilling to be the girl who saves his day either. another bullet
dodged.

g: there ya go...


do you like that a[.] texts you? how old is she?

g: actually, she predominantly prefers i.m. (yahoo, she doesn't like
aol; i have aim, as well) and cell, but very little email (monthly or
twicemonthly?) and texts me only rarely (maybe three times in a year) --
i already have so many ways to be in touch and so many communication
modes to check that i've never really started in with texting, though i
basically know how to do it -- my brotherinlaw works in telecomm servces
for a big consulting firm, worked out of their london office for six or
seven years in the late 90s through mid 00s, and i always tell him all
these things are going to converge, and the trickier and redundant ones
will become obsolete and disappear like eight track tapes -- and then he
took my idea and used it in a client talk, wtf!

she turned 40 on 30 sept --

bfn, g



copy of flower service experience survey, from flower website, copy and pasted into an email to a., 933am --

Ordered delivery for Tu 26th Sept so she could have the flowers prior to
her b'day on the 30th. UPS didn't leave flowers on Tu, instead left
'unable to deliver' note. She called UPS, they promised to redeliver Wed
27th, but didn't. Flowers finally came Thur and were in pretty worn
shape already. You folks offered a replacement delivery Friday and we
accepted, and it was scheduled for the following Thur the 5th (she was
out of town the first half of the week [i'd fibbed about this, with the
idea that she could get some mileage out of the first delivery, if possible,
before the second delivery arrived]). When the replacement didn't
come Thur I emailed, and the reply was that the replacement had been
delivered Weds morning instead of Thursday. A second replacement was
scheduled for Tu 10th, and the flowers were successfully received by her
last night (the 10th) when she got home. She says they look great and
while she is not happy about the long delay and repeated problems, she
did have something around for her birthday, if somewhat tattered, and
now she has a beautiful set of flowers that look fantastic, delivered
Fed Ex, very fresh and great looking, that seem pretty certain to look
nice for a full week (the first set only lasted maybe three days after
delivery, and did not look that good from the outset). So a mixed grade
here: the first two delivery attempts were a mess (one bad delay, then
one was delivered the wrong day and lost in transit), but the final
shipment was excellent.

another questionbox:

Flower quality is very good; the delivery process needs to be much more
reliable, unless we just happened to hit bad luck twice in a row on the
same order.


first around 11am, and then, again, between classes, i am backing and forthing with s. a bit, on email, so she knows i'm not available this afternoon (all the juggling, sheesh); she mentions her longstanding hip problem has come back (jobsearch stress, i naturally wonder -- she's been looking for another job ever since quitting, late in august, the esl teaching job she actually moved down to atlanta for -- and also backing and forthing with k. in manhattan, whose sister is having surgery, which is keeping k. out of her office, and in queens --

i keep thinking i may get back to subby brenda or kay, or whoever she really is, from last week -- but no, i never do -- and as time passes, i realize it's impossible -- probably the real reason why is that she is so far away (i didn't find that out till after i'd offered to talk), and meanwhile, given everything she's said, she seems like she wants to jump straight from general common interest (paddles yahoo subscriber list) to 1. marriage or 2. committed exclusive d/s mistress -- i have no sense at all that we would have what she might want, something like an exclusive committed masterslave relationship in some form or another, and moving there so fast is weird (within about 18 hours? -- 8 of them asleep) -- especially given the distance -- it's like she's interviewing people for a job she desperately wants filled --

i bet that happens a lot on the web now: people in a place they don't like, desperately looking to jump to something else they hope will be comfortable -- she has a teenage daughter, at least (that much she mentioned), and is willing to stay in a hotel in jersey "for as long as i want her" or the like -- sounds as if it's supposed to be a marital audition on both sides -- but relationships need to evolve stepwise, both people need to think carefully --

but now i get to see from the other side that web phenomenon of cutting people off or not replying -- it's not always (as it may look to the one cut off) some upfront and clear decision that someone is dirt -- it's just that the situation seems weird or scary, you are not sure what to do about it, wait for inspiration for some days, it doesn't come during those days, time passes, and after awhile it would seem embarrassing or inappropriate to write, especially when the situation still seems troublesome, even leaving aside the newly grown noncontact embarrassment factor -- i see better now how that can happen, especially if you have a lot going on in job life and personal life -- and women get so many more initiations of contact than men online, i'm sure -- so they end up doing that a lot, if they are not sure what to do, and have lots going on and lots of other options --


first class: portrait, opening of chap. 5 as tying back in positive and negative ways to birdgirl climax of 4; in interests of time i skim discussion with dean of studies (lang/culture), discussion about irish/gaelic revival (lang/culture); on we hurtle, past these omissions, to st's theory of art (medieval catholic aquinan 'beauty' triad of wholeness/harmony/radiance, and lessing's three levels of art, sc. lyric/epic/dramatic) -- talk about how modernism and catholicism dovetail, or relate, i.e., in trying to infer the reality of the world through the subjective individual's perception of significant pattern in objective empirical reality -- the inevitably subjective individual literary artist tries to let the world speak as it is (drama), portraying it in literary art, hence creating a world, built of words and concepts and patterns, that is beautiful b/c it mirrors divine creation with its complex but significant patterns, scrutable with increasingly less imperfection by the careful subjective individual -- ok, finish on fri, if possible --

one funny thing about the first class: someone has left orange yellow and green (pre-halloween?) chalk in the chalk tray, so when i notice this at the outset i make a joke of it and then go on to use that chalk, and color scheme, in my boardnotes for the class -- afterward, i retain that chalk for subsequent reuse --

earlyafternoon, s. switches me to a new address -- i think the other one (excellentkarma@[etc.]) was probably a lastsummer craigslist fishingaround address, and i've now graduated to her regular address -- she says she wants to get rid of that old address, so i feel ok now recording part of it --

second class: opening of ep. 7, till st.'s entry; his possibilities and abilities and ambitions, but meanwhile his huge problems connecting with people, more the observer than the interacter (both of these sides will echo in his parable late in the episode, which we'll get to friday) --

then, a quick email check to make sure there's no late planchange email from k. -- i've promised to meet her when she gets off work at 3pm -- i drive (mostly, coast) efficiently down the hill, then through an adjoining neighborhood, then out onto and along the highway service road, then up and down more hills, then left at a light near a school and under the overpass to the other side of the highway, right and down to where i make a left by a stripmall and pass a waldbaums i used to use occasionally, when i lived a quartermile or so from here -- then past a local high school, past a hospital, down a long steep hill to a light, right, left at a left turn arrow, and on past a golfcourse on the left -- now normally i'd turn left here, to get to k.'s neighborhood, but instead i turn right here, which is the commonest way to get to the mall from where i live -- and that's where she's worked for several weeks now -- i'm supposed to meet her outside the malldoor leading into the anchorstore men's dept --

i get there at 242 for the 245-300 apptmt, don't see her, head around corner to other door, don't spot anyone outside or inside the door that seems like it could be her; back to first door, park, hear radio news about 'plane into manhattan building' -- call j., while keeping an eye out for a possibly approaching k. (she doesn't know i have a cell; before i meet her i always have to try to remember to make sure to turn it off and either pocket it in my driverside (lefthand) pants pocket, away from her, or else place it in the bag, and turn the bag so the phone is on the far side from her -- recently, i've been keeping it in the cell pouch on one side of the bag, so after i call j and let her know about the incident (in case it becomes a transit issue or rumor issue for her), i place the phone back in the pouch and then, after stepping up out of the car, i lift the bag from the footwell behind my seat and turn it around so the phone is facing the door --

then into the store, looking for k; i circle through men's several times, looking at the various sales counters in particular, but also elsewhere -- nope; i head all the way to the far end of the store and check outside the mall cvs, figuring she might have forgotten that she enthusiastically agreed to my idea of meeting at the door right by the end of her dept (her original proposal was to meet in front of the cvs; my suggested meetingplace seemed fastest and easiest for both of us) -- but she isn't there either -- i head back in and through, recircling various parts of the men's dept again -- by now it's no longer 245, or even the 300 time i said i might be if i was running late, but 312 -- as i head back out the row of outside glass doors at the far end of men's, wondering if i should sit a little longer or leave, i see her approaching from my left -- she's wondering aloud if she's gotten confused about where to meet, and apologizes because she's running late -- she was scheduled to be off the floor at 245, out the door before 300, but someone had started to open a store c/c account just before 245, naturally (not sure why i didn't see her at her normal station at 245, then, but i don't say that) --

anyway, it's been a long day for her since the morning, her legs hurt from standing, her boss was in her area a lot of the day and she had to do a lot of restocking, sticking herself not a few times with the pins that hold men's new shirts folded rectangular, all of which have to be removed to hanger them on racks --

at the precise moment we enter the car, about 315, it starts sprinkling, as k. notices on the windshield -- hmph, it was supposed to rain overnight, at earliest after dark -- but as we drive past the golfcourse behind the mall and down snake hill into her neighborhood and then on to the beach park, it rains more and more steadily and heavily -- ah, well, more rain means less traffic and annoyance in the park -- as we drive in along the main entry road there are almost no walkers, almost no cars on the road or parked -- we park at the far end of the gravel lot by the ballfields, and no one else is there -- i haven't been here at this time of day in years, probably since 03: i usually meet her and sit here to talk etc. at either 9am or, when my last class ended at 1210 in the springtime, at lunchtime -- it's 330, and between the timeofday and the weather the place is totally deserted, no constantly incoming, hanging around, and exiting vehicles -- but who knows whether that'll continue or not; all it takes is one, especially if it's the parkpolice patrol making a pass --

we talk some -- she's on weightwatchers and has lost eight pounds, she says; hubby is on it too; she says maybe she'll finally get some sex out of him, it's been eight months now, she says --

since i haven't been nice to her for awhile, at her suggestion i rub her and kiss her back -- meanwhile, i'm always checking back over my shoulder out the window for the spot at the entrance end of the lot, several hundred feet distant, where a car will roll past the trees at some point -- in a way the steamingup windows are good (people can see in less), in a way bad (you see out less well, get less warning) -- she always likes backrubs, has since march 03, but i always worry about how things look and about my ability to see, which can plunge in a driving rain like this, with condensationcoated windows --

i play with her clit etc. for awhile )always tough from the side angle) -- she kind of comes, but is a little inhibited -- she mentions a sensual spanking, but she has told me that she's been too busy to make the medical appointments she should make, and when i point out that she has whole days and parts of days off, now that she's into her new schedule, so she should get to them and catch up, she's sticking out her tongue and crossing her eyes repeatedly, saying "you can't make me" -- so, i may as well give it up if i let her do that unrequited -- i give her a harder and harder spanking as she lies somewhat between on her side and on her stomach, on the somewhat laidback passenger seat (you can do that in the new car, i now see) --

eventually, after she lies there and recuperates some, she asks what time -- i say 415, and she says she needs to get home (she doesn't say so, but i know she needs to avoid being offschedule, with possible recriminations, and also has to do dinnerprep; the sidetrip amounts to about how long a bustrip with a transfer might take) -- as i am about to turn the car on she says ooops, sorry, and mentions my birthday monday, that she meant to send an ecard but has been so busy etc., then 'so let me see him' -- i'm, well, if you're in a hurry, it's no issue at all, don't worry about it -- but -- she plays with and then strokes and rubs it, with accelerating hardness --

i've always had trouble with her about this, but try not to make an issue of it -- she thinks the harder you work it, the better it feels and the faster you'll come and be basically done (the latter kicks in when she's pressed for time, as today; she often asks for physical things at the outset or early on, after catchup conversation, and by process of elimination i end up as an afterthought) -- and of course these assumptions are just about the opposite of the truth -- sometimes, the next day, i'll have pains here and there along it because of careless teeth or jamming, hardsqueezing pumps -- sort of sad and humorous at same time, very human -- we all serve each other's needs less than perfectly, that is no more and no less the case in sexuality than it is in any other area of human interaction --

she talks of maybe meeting thursday (tomorrow!), her day off, but once a week suffices, i think to myself -- i fib about probably having a meeting at the office and needing to check my email about it when i get home; i will write her this evening, as promised, and will almost surely tell her about a meeting tomorrow --

i drop her off in rain by her house, then back to the corner near mall, a right turn past the golf course (now on my right), and then straight at the dangerous turnarrow intersection, rather than my usual right turn to get straight home -- it's on to the i.c. place in drenching rain -- radionews is nonstop about the plancrash, as facts and theories dribble out -- i am only customer there as i arrive; they are taking big brown cardboard metalrimmed i.c. bins out of freezer compartments on a cart, i suppose to store them for an early closing owing to the pouring rain -- i get a pint, 3.50, chocolate peanutbutter cup on the bottom and chocolate fudge brownie on the top, but she reverses the order, either owing to defective comprehension or memory, or else b/c (as i notice) she has to get the top half of the pint out of one of the bins that has already been loaded onto the metal rollingcart, so she does that second --

i eat it there in the storelot, looking in to the front end of the store through the side window, and listening to the radio about the accident; was it some problem between flight instructor and wealthy new athlete pilot? -- they close for the season this sunday, get it while you can -- on my drive to and from the i.c. place it is just coming out that it might be the baseballplayer, his passport was found in the street below or something like that --

home, check im/email --

from k., 09:14 PM, replying to my not-tomorrow email a bit earlier in the evening --

ok hon np well my butt is sore but i desvered it and u were right to do it ok talk soon

a./g. im's -- b/c of i.c. post-k., i didn't get home till after 515 --

A (10/11/2006 4:46:58 PM): hi! i'm home and chilling out.
A (10/11/2006 4:47:05 PM): see you when you come back online
G (10/11/2006 5:36:25 PM): hi, yep, i turned off the comp during the day today to let it rest, it was hung up in the middle of a reboot when i got up this morning because it had installed some update on its own in the middle of the night [fwiw this is totally the truth, not a lying excuse]
G (10/11/2006 5:36:32 PM): in kitchen back in a bit
A (10/11/2006 5:44:49 PM): hello :-) tty when you get done in kitchen
G (10/11/2006 5:51:13 PM): hi
A (10/11/2006 5:51:21 PM): hello :-)
G (10/11/2006 5:51:39 PM): you got drowned on the way home? didn't it start soon after 3?
A (10/11/2006 5:52:25 PM): fortunately i had my umbrella with me - it wasn't raining when i walked to the train from school, but was pouring when i got out of the train at home
G (10/11/2006 5:52:31 PM): right
G (10/11/2006 5:52:37 PM): it started about 315 here [she's northeast of me, ten or fifteen miles; it probably it started 330ish or a bit later where she was]
G (10/11/2006 5:52:55 PM): so now youre home and resting
A (10/11/2006 5:53:23 PM): i am, hooray
A (10/11/2006 5:53:34 PM): how was your day? did you stay dry?
G (10/11/2006 5:53:55 PM): yeah, i made it home fine
G (10/11/2006 5:54:04 PM): not too bad, not too busy
G (10/11/2006 5:54:12 PM): okay, no complaints
G (10/11/2006 5:54:22 PM): how about the brats? :-P
A (10/11/2006 5:54:42 PM): the brats? you mean my darling wonderful students?
A (10/11/2006 5:54:52 PM): they were not as obnoxious as yesterday
A (10/11/2006 5:55:10 PM): but need to pull their shit together
G (10/11/2006 5:55:43 PM): well, keep on their asses
G (10/11/2006 5:55:46 PM): :-)
A (10/11/2006 5:56:14 PM): whoo hoo
G (10/11/2006 5:56:30 PM): sounds fun yup
G (10/11/2006 5:56:48 PM): so did you eat yet?
A (10/11/2006 5:57:22 PM): i did - stopped by [jewish deli around the corner] and picked up noodles and cabbage and chicken
G (10/11/2006 5:57:43 PM): and that was good for rainy mid october night, ok
G (10/11/2006 5:58:21 PM): rachael ray at 6 is off the agenda these days?
A (10/11/2006 5:58:22 PM): it worked for me
A (10/11/2006 5:58:38 PM): you told me i'd get tired of her and i didn't believe you
G (10/11/2006 5:58:48 PM): it's always the same show :-)
G (10/11/2006 5:59:04 PM): ok, maybe you graduated from her
G (10/11/2006 5:59:05 PM): :-P
G (10/11/2006 5:59:13 PM): how many years did you watch her?
A (10/11/2006 5:59:47 PM): oh, maybe two
A (10/11/2006 5:59:56 PM): a good bit of this past year
A (10/11/2006 6:00:04 PM): and some the year before
G (10/11/2006 6:00:54 PM): well, if you watched 45 weeks a year out of 52, two shows a night, that would be 225x2x2 = over 1000 shows :-)
G (10/11/2006 6:01:26 PM): if you even missed a third of the shows each year, that's still over 600
G (10/11/2006 6:01:40 PM): in 2 years
A (10/11/2006 6:01:45 PM): damn! that's a lot of shows
G (10/11/2006 6:01:48 PM): yep
G (10/11/2006 6:02:02 PM): and you didn't like that she flitted off to daytime
G (10/11/2006 6:02:05 PM): ha ha
A (10/11/2006 6:02:07 PM): i wonder how many i really watched - but even if it were 300, that's a lot of rachael ray
A (10/11/2006 6:02:21 PM): it was fine that she flitted - it's just that the [new daytime] show sucks
A (10/11/2006 6:02:27 PM): which is a shame
G (10/11/2006 6:02:31 PM): if you watched 6 shows a week 50 weeks a years, that's 600 in two years
G (10/11/2006 6:02:47 PM): bet it comes to a lot :-)
G (10/11/2006 6:02:57 PM): often you watched two a night
G (10/11/2006 6:03:31 PM): ok, so maybe she has graduated to nostalgia status, every once in awhile
G (10/11/2006 6:03:38 PM): just like law and order will do :-)
A (10/11/2006 6:04:16 PM): right, eventually :-)
G (10/11/2006 6:04:20 PM): yup :-)
A (10/11/2006 6:04:27 PM): i need to go get some water and stretch a little
G (10/11/2006 6:04:34 PM): ok, tty in a bit
A (10/11/2006 6:04:39 PM): k :-)
G (10/11/2006 6:04:41 PM): k

later:

A (10/11/2006 6:54:37 PM): you signed out again?
A (10/11/2006 6:54:40 PM): hmmm

hmmm, she sounds skeptical... or something...

later, this from me:

G (10/11/2006 8:24:40 PM): nope, my yahoo crashed for no discernible reason and i didn't notice it
G (10/11/2006 8:24:42 PM): back
A (10/11/2006 8:24:57 PM): well hello there
G (10/11/2006 8:26:13 PM): hi
G (10/11/2006 8:26:41 PM): dunno why, it just decided to crash while i was in the kitchen, didn't notice it was gone till i went to look for it
A (10/11/2006 8:26:49 PM): yahoo cooties
G (10/11/2006 8:26:52 PM): yep
A (10/11/2006 8:26:55 PM): trust me, i know them
G (10/11/2006 8:26:58 PM): you had em for weeks
G (10/11/2006 8:26:59 PM): right
G (10/11/2006 8:27:12 PM): so now what? you are resting and tv'ing?
A (10/11/2006 8:27:27 PM): actually i was just having a very interesting conversation
G (10/11/2006 8:27:31 PM): ah really
G (10/11/2006 8:27:35 PM): yes?
A (10/11/2006 8:27:44 PM): you want to know?
G (10/11/2006 8:28:09 PM): well, unless there are 'issues'
G (10/11/2006 8:28:14 PM): :-P
G (10/11/2006 8:29:03 PM): she's not sure what to say O:-)
A (10/11/2006 8:29:15 PM): no, i'm working on a cut and paste
G (10/11/2006 8:29:17 PM): np
A (10/11/2006 8:29:55 PM): well, there was a little lead up but:
G (10/11/2006 8:30:10 PM): k
A (10/11/2006 8:30:50 PM): oh jeez this is annoying
A (10/11/2006 8:30:55 PM): it isn't working
A (10/11/2006 8:30:56 PM): anyhow
A (10/11/2006 8:31:02 PM): i was talking to l-- [polyamory guy and sometime 05-06 sexual partner of a.'s; see lj entries for the week that j. was away upstate in the second half of august]
A (10/11/2006 8:31:08 PM): and asked about a threesome
G (10/11/2006 8:31:13 PM): you could email it via cut and paste
G (10/11/2006 8:31:15 PM): anyway
G (10/11/2006 8:31:16 PM): and?
A (10/11/2006 8:31:22 PM): see, i'm not so chicken ! :-)
A (10/11/2006 8:31:39 PM): he said sure as long as he and you got along he saw no problem
G (10/11/2006 8:31:49 PM): what a shock
G (10/11/2006 8:31:51 PM): who knew
G (10/11/2006 8:31:54 PM): :-P
A (10/11/2006 8:32:17 PM): [A]: you like threesomes? l: yes I do [A]: would you ever consider with me and, if you got along, greg? l: sure l: would you like that?
G (10/11/2006 8:32:20 PM): so now you will be drummed out of the order of the B.A.K.A.W.
G (10/11/2006 8:32:33 PM): any more?
A (10/11/2006 8:32:36 PM): sigh, it is true
G (10/11/2006 8:32:41 PM): poor baby
A (10/11/2006 8:32:45 PM): ofcourse there was more conversation
G (10/11/2006 8:32:48 PM): right
G (10/11/2006 8:32:54 PM): well, there you go
G (10/11/2006 8:32:58 PM): tolja O:-)
A (10/11/2006 8:33:03 PM): but i even confirmed again at the end
G (10/11/2006 8:33:25 PM): well, so who knows then, next time he's around we'll have to discuss it
G (10/11/2006 8:33:28 PM): :-P
A (10/11/2006 8:33:43 PM): i need water
A (10/11/2006 8:33:57 PM): and i need to call b------ [her father's second wife] - her birthday
G (10/11/2006 8:34:04 PM): np
A (10/11/2006 8:34:06 PM): you sticking around or going away?
G (10/11/2006 8:34:12 PM): i'll be in and out
G (10/11/2006 8:34:18 PM): but it's already 835
G (10/11/2006 8:34:28 PM): i'll see you here or call you in 90 mins
A (10/11/2006 8:34:30 PM): well, i'm all lubricated as you say, so if you have questions it's a good time to ask
G (10/11/2006 8:34:33 PM): should be back in a bit
G (10/11/2006 8:34:37 PM): aha
G (10/11/2006 8:34:44 PM): back in a bit i bet
G (10/11/2006 8:34:47 PM): why lubed?
A (10/11/2006 8:34:55 PM): long conversation
G (10/11/2006 8:34:59 PM): ?
A (10/11/2006 8:35:11 PM): the IM chat i just finished
G (10/11/2006 8:35:24 PM): ah so that means you are used to talking now?
A (10/11/2006 8:35:41 PM): yes, actually, i think it does
G (10/11/2006 8:35:56 PM): so i'll check back by 9, i know you need to call b------
G (10/11/2006 8:35:58 PM): yes?
A (10/11/2006 8:36:03 PM): ok
G (10/11/2006 8:36:05 PM): k
G (10/11/2006 8:36:09 PM): that's 20 mins or so
G (10/11/2006 8:36:11 PM): bfn
G (10/11/2006 8:36:12 PM): :-P
A (10/11/2006 8:36:21 PM): :-*
G (10/11/2006 8:36:28 PM): :-)
G (10/11/2006 8:36:36 PM): :-*

i believe that's the first i.m. :-* since june, or probably even may --

G (10/11/2006 9:08:37 PM): ok, you're gone for now
G (10/11/2006 9:08:39 PM): ttys
G (10/11/2006 9:08:50 PM): i'll check back in awhile
A (10/11/2006 9:14:42 PM): yahoo weirdness on my end
A (10/11/2006 9:15:25 PM): it froze, crashed, restarted, closed, had trouble logging in, and now here we are :-)
A (10/11/2006 9:15:37 PM): well, here i am, not sure where you are ;-)
G (10/11/2006 9:21:14 PM): ok
G (10/11/2006 9:21:15 PM): hi
G (10/11/2006 9:21:28 PM): i can phonetalk in a minute if you prefer
A (10/11/2006 9:21:31 PM): hello!
A (10/11/2006 9:21:41 PM): sure, call when you can.
G (10/11/2006 9:21:52 PM): ok, give me a couple of minutes to settle in
G (10/11/2006 9:21:57 PM): i'll call
A (10/11/2006 9:22:07 PM): ttys, bfn

931pm, 35-minute cellcall --

still not goodcarby: starting the day with an 20%-gone melone loaf like the one i totally consumed yesterday, at 7am i have a modest tunafish sandwich (still eating down that recentlymade batch); 6pm, pieces of bread dipped in progresso chicken and penne soup broth; at dinnertime i resolve to save the rest for a thursday morning tuna sandwich, but at 1015pm, soon after the a. last-human-contact-of-the-day call, i finish the loaf again, with a cheese and fatfree mayo sandwich, 1015pm -- so: between 6something a.m. tu and 1030ish p.m. weds, i've eaten two full melone loaves, 210g carb apiece -- sheesh --

and, so-carby, to bed --
linkpost comment

some tuesday bits [Oct. 10th, 2006|09:48 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |grumpytrying to get by...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently recalled, Jerry Jeff Walker "Pissin' in the Wind"]

alarm in cellpocket of blackbag nearby goes off, 557 -- wow, i slept nearly straight through, 8something till 6am -- was it repletion from the two big meals? (i recall, twoplus years ago, feeling both overfull and stupid after having lunch or even late lunch with rnl in new b., and then eating a dinner at home several hours later, back in the pre-05 days when j. hadn't started eating her main meal on her lunch hour...) -- or could it be unacknowledged bday issues andor related lifestatus issues? usually when i go to sleep that early, it's b/c something is bugging or worrying me that i don't want to have to think about or wait for -- i recall last night thinking, at 7something, that j was home and tv'ing postprandially so early, barely after 630, that i'd have hours to wait before she'd be upstairs -- i spent some time in the l.r. dozing, almost asleep several times, before adjourning to bed at 8something and conking, then never again awake enough to set foot on the floor, till a few moments before 6 --

right at 600, i see a's messages and leave responses, starting with a direct reply to her last comments last night -- basically nearmisses and non-nearmisses from 6 till after 7:

G (10/10/2006 6:00:13 AM): nah, fell asleep by mistake around 8something w/o ever coming back to the comp
G (10/10/2006 6:00:43 AM): sorry
G (10/10/2006 6:00:50 AM): up now
G (10/10/2006 6:01:22 AM): if i dont tty before work, tty after you get home this afternoon
G (10/10/2006 6:24:53 AM): still not up, eh :-P
A (10/10/2006 6:46:46 AM): up, but barely!
G (10/10/2006 6:49:31 AM): ok
G (10/10/2006 6:49:33 AM): vg
G (10/10/2006 6:49:42 AM): well, we can't hold you up
G (10/10/2006 6:49:55 AM): so hurry out and i'll talk to your when you get home
G (10/10/2006 6:50:00 AM): :-)
A (10/10/2006 6:50:28 AM): oh
A (10/10/2006 6:51:14 AM): i was sitting right here at the computer but watching weather channel and didn't see you!
G (10/10/2006 7:06:53 AM): np
G (10/10/2006 7:06:57 AM): you're probably gone
A (10/10/2006 7:07:10 AM): just getting ready to go
G (10/10/2006 7:07:14 AM): ah
A (10/10/2006 7:07:15 AM): good morning!
G (10/10/2006 7:07:15 AM): right
G (10/10/2006 7:07:17 AM): morning
G (10/10/2006 7:07:24 AM): so have a good one
A (10/10/2006 7:07:28 AM): thanks!
G (10/10/2006 7:07:32 AM): i'll be at keyboard when you get home
G (10/10/2006 7:07:36 AM): ty for msgs last night
A (10/10/2006 7:07:44 AM): :-D
G (10/10/2006 7:07:48 AM): bfn :-)
G (10/10/2006 7:07:55 AM): you get last word
A (10/10/2006 7:07:55 AM): have a good day - you are rested, i hope
G (10/10/2006 7:08:02 AM): yep
A (10/10/2006 7:08:03 AM): i don't want the last word!
G (10/10/2006 7:08:08 AM): :-P

i'm still sleepy when it's so dark out now -- two months ago i'd leap from bed at 6, soon after anyhow, sometimes even a bit before -- because it was fusking light out -- now it's dark till nearly seven --

to avoid seeming lazy, i'm always ready to get up as i hear j come downstairs -- i get lots of warning as i can hear her start to walk in her bedroom, directly above me, and the muffled but discernible bumping and thumping and scraping and walking of catlitter being emptied, which she always does before coming down -- and then the feet on the stairs, first one blind then another being raised in the livingroom, the l.r. floorlamp being clicked on (these days), and the dog's tags rattling as he stands up, is uncaged, dashes out, runs in circles a bit, stretches front and rear legs once or twice, does greeting, and is petted and talked to, etc. -- and by that time i can be up and robed and doing something, as if i'd been up for awhile -- or, if i have been up for awhile, as this morning, i can get off the keyboard so she doesn't get additional you're-always-on-the-internet ammo, or what-i'm-eating ammo (she can be critical about what and how i eat, how the counter looks, all sorts of things, so as i hear her coming i will always do a visual survey and mental analysis for anything i need to adjust or conceal or whatever) --

as j. brushes teeth (her first post-l.r. morning activity), i schlepp to the curb the two bags and one plastic container of garbage i didn't do last night b/c i conked -- two trips from the side of the house to the street, first to carry the big ones (regular and paper; they are similar size and weight and balance well in either hand) -- then, streetside, instead of doing this at 3 or 4 pm yest. and taking a spot near the head of the queue of cans and bags along the street ('head' being defined by the direction from which the truck will approach, and hence the sanitmen's lineofsight and in turn the general likelihood of successful attention), i am way at the back of a line of ten or twelve, and somewhat worried that i might get missed -- but then again comforting myself with the idea that i am so far down that i am actually past the front of downstairs bitchface's car at the curb, which she's taken to parking in this spot in recent months, even on nights like this (mon/tu) when she's defacto blocking the often earlyarriving garbagemen from the garbage, and as for herself has to negotiate cans and bags to get in and out of her car between putout and pickup --

i dump the full kitchen mixedpaper container into the even larger but alsogreen mixedpaper recycling container, with a whoosh that puffs a minuscule scrap of newspaper, two inches long by less than halfaninch wide, onto the lid of the adjacent regulargarbage can -- np, i can live with that -- my streetside recycling can's now twothirds or so full, as usual; i lid it and face it so the recycling notice is facing the direction the sanitguy'll come from, while also turning the lid (on which b.f. spraypainted yellowstencilled PAPER and the street address well over five years ago, when all was still friendly) -- and then i check the regular can -- it has a huge bag of catbox waste and related stuff from the upstairs bathroom that j. brought out to beside the house on the weekend -- the next morning after that i recall pulling three corncobs in a used sandwich bag out from under the catlitter bag and putting them on top, concerned that something small underneath something big often won't get emptied with the sanitguy's one desultory shake -- but now that's not an issue, woohoo, b/c i know the weight of the catlitter bag will push the cobs and the light threequarterfull kitchen garbagebag along with it into the truckback --

so done, and done -- and then, back to the side of the house -- bring to the street the small blue glassmetalplastic can with thickdirted white lid (issued by the city when the program began -- it must be near fifteen years old now) -- dump white kitchenbag into it, and relid it -- both kitchenbags are identical white tall bags, but the recycling one is heavy and rattly, and the regular one is understffued and spongy, so i know the right bag's in the right spot, even somewhat groggybrained in the dawny halflight --

and on i hasten for the paper -- never like to leave j. with alonetime in the house if at all avoidable; usually i can get up and get the paper and return before she's even downstairs -- it's often bad policy to leave her alone; she can only look through my comp bag or phone or other stuff in my room, which she doesn't always do, but does sometimes -- see my entry early last week about the boxsearch while i was gone for some hours the prior sunday afternoon -- don't need more j. problems, what with the b.f. thing from last week still fading toward its halflife -- every day or two she'll make some comment, sometimes making fun of me (how goofy, how silly), sometimes sounding more like angry or disgusted, sometimes bringing some inference or speculation she either hadn't mentioned, or hadn't thought of, when she first brought it up, a week ago last night --

so with j. in mind, and in the interests of general efficiency, i hastily key myself into the car and start it up, lights on, and quickly into first then second gear to make the changing light at my corner, turning right -- straightened out, and into third, i pull the harness on across my chest and lap, with an eye out, for any motion, toward the usually but not always empty road -- and coasting, now deliberately out of the far upper end of third gear, thirtyish, toward the first turn, a long block down -- i carefully make the right turn, and on up the hill at the blind corner (hedging, a fairly steep upslope, and no sidewalk on the side i am turning up -- you can encounter people walking downslope, some feet into the road on your driving side, concealed by hill and hedge from the main road until they step, or you corner, into the intersection itself -- and, more rarely, you'll see a car coasting downhill to the corner on the other side or, actually more likely, and more lazily, right in the middle of the notwide road; once i encountered a lawnworker walking down toward the corner and arriving there within ten feet of me as i came the other direction, and giving me this look like 'hey stupid, didn't you know i'd be using your roadway as a totally blind sidewalk, rather than crossing fifteen feet to the 100% safe sidewalk on the other side?' -- i've been even more paranoid about this corner since then, making the turn with my foot just touching but not pressing the brake, but mentally envisioning myself pressing it at the first sight of any stupid thing in the road...) --

then, after glancing as far leftward as i can while approaching the tight ninetydegree jog, i turn leftwards, avoiding any cars parked in front of the first house or two at this tight spot (they all have long driveways, but sometimes have more cars than driveway, or simply don't want to bother with the backingout carefully step before proceeding forward on their way) -- and then i keep lookout, leftward down two close streets, for cars coming toward the next turnpoint from two possible lefthand directions (they are supposed to stop but don't always; it's that comment lowtraffic tendency of treating a stop like a yield) -- ok, nothing today -- so i keep coasting around the curve and then accelerate again up the hill, applying gas till near the crest, then coast again, again, out of gear, slightly downward toward the main road, where i checking for cars turning and possibly clipping me, and then for mainstreet traffic from both directions, uphill and downhill -- nothing (as is the case 80% of the time, but it's that 20%...) -- then turn right, into the near lane, and, after only a gastap to get up above the 5 you slowed down to the check at the main road, you coast, because as it always does the mainly pointless light at the hospital lot entrance turns yellow then red just as you turn into the main street --

these lights are on timers by seconds -- ok, i'd seriously doubt anyone coordinates them to each other (but contrast this upcoming light and the immediately following notfardistant light at the intersection with my street, the next corner, two signals which change with a clearly coordinated five or so second difference in timing) -- still, somehow it always happens that if i've gone through the beginning of a green light back at the corner by my house, i always seem to hit the yellow-turning-red at my next light, which is this one here -- it's a feature (not a bug; good for resting, right?) that adds thirtyplus seconds to a short trip (i am in the store actually getting the paper, the core of the whole process, for fifteen seconds, tops) -- i am still wondering, as i drive this virtually daily, whether there's some point during the greenlight cycle at my house that if i went through the light at that moment would bring me to this light when it's actually green, because i know the light must be green on this main road longer than it's red -- it's crummy luck that the green light near my house and this one are timed so that i sit at a red light here every day for thirtyplus seconds (have never watchtimed it) while almost never allowing any cars to pass through from either side at this lowtraffic earlymorning hour-- maybe at some point i'll figure it out -- meanwhile, i do tend to think about it some, sometimes, while waiting at this red light to let people out of the hospital lot who are not actually there -- i'm just sitting at a redlight at an otherwise untrafficed little intersection --

light changes, down to next corner, turn and park several spaces down -- technically, nostanding spots, but i am out of the intersection, no copcars anywhere, and if i park at the meters along the street before the turn i often have to wait at a red at the intersection i just turned on -- by parking on this street, after buying the paper i have no light between me and home -- check the brake is on; occasionally i forget that, but this spot is slopey enough that, after taking my foot off the brake following my stop, i'd notice the car moving before i could get out of it -- then up to the corner and across, on foot -- rarely do you have to wait to cross, even when the light's against you, at 630 or 700 am -- after that it gets pretty heavy here, for example by the time i pass again on foot on the dogwalk, usually between 730 and 900 -- but it's 645 --

in (these days, sometimes doors are open as all summer, if say sixtyish anyway; other times shut) -- directly left of the door, i quickly spot and pick an undamaged paper (often the top one in a pile is torn or bent or crinkled from being exposed at the front of the bundle during trucking and delivery; 'never take the top paper' is an old bit of nyc wisdom that i see many comply with) -- quietly lay the quarter (extracted from pocket during the final walk, or sometimes held in hand during the drive) onto the topmost orange plastic servingtray in one of the several piles the biddyladies keep by each of their two registers -- and say something generic if they acknowledge you (sometimes everyone's back is turned, assembling an order or prepping some food or pulling a drink, but most times someone will say 'thank you' and i'll reply 'no problem' or 'thanks' or 'take it easy') --

then out and back, never good to be in a technically illegal position longer than necessary -- the local traffic patrol guy starts up the street coming this way from past my house, but he comes on duty at 8am i am pretty sure, i sometimes notice him on his first pass while walking the dog home, looking in the lower driverside of each windshield for expired registration and emissionstesting stickers -- i suspect 8am is the start time because that is when the meters come into effect here around the hospital, so he makes a quick run around the hospital perimeter right at eight to catch anyone getting back to their car later than they'd hoped, or whatever -- the city has so many expense commitments; he's actually a profit center --

back seated and door closed, i press the gas, very briefly, to get to 20 or 25 on this slight but definite downhill back toward home -- that usually brings me coasting to a parking spot across the street from the house, unless someone in front of me slows to turn or spots a parkingspot they want (rare at 7am, very very common at 3pm) -- i tend to park across from the house, b/c i'll turn right again, right here at the light, to head up to work, and at 830 (my departure time, give or take, these days) there can be a huge line of traffic waiting at the red here, and then cars zooming through at 40 when it's green, making it tough to get over to the other side and turn right if i park right in front of the house -- crossing the street as a machineless lone body is much more flexible and gives more options than trying to find a spot where several tons of metal can make it across from a dead stop --

home, read paper hastily at kitchencounter, and meanwhile i have my hidden tea quickly while j's in shower (it's her teabags that i use for this, because the coffeetrip is so much later than it was when i first committed to the dogwalk; 745 is probably the average departure time now, and when i started it was 720 or 730 -- i can start to get a needcaffeine headache if i'm up and about for close to two hours -- but i'm ok with a cup of tea, made with two bags to be caffeiny, and then a poststeeping icecube or two plopped in, cracking on impact and fizzing as the bubbles release near the end of the melt -- the ice is to dilute the dense tea a bit, and get it to drinking temp immediately) -- i am usually done prepping the tea while she's in the shower (two or two and a half minutes on high in the microwave), and any drinking i'm not done with when the shower turns off i can quietly do while she postshower preps in adjacent rooms --

i tell her the forecast after she's out, by calling summaries and paraphrases from the kitchen as i hear the details on the radio, either from local cbs newsradio (880) or local abc newstalkradio (770); both have traffic and weather every ten minutes at most -- i try to give her privacy while she does postshower stuff for fiveplus minutes in various downstairs rooms before actually getting to underwear -- she also does stuff to her toenails and so on that she wants privacy for --

after i check around the corner and she's in underwear, if i am done with the tea and the paper i will often put the harness on the dog and attach the leash, at which point he runs over and sticks his nose by the crack of the door down the stairs, and then runs around somewhat till it's actually time to leave -- he usually stands on the couch for harnessing, because he gets excited, and that's easier for both him and me anyhow -- even if i haven't finished the paper, 90-95% of the time i can read the rest of it quickly while walking (she likes to walk him up for bonding, and i'm definitely going to walk him back) and also, if necessary, during the four or five minute wait outside sb while she places receives and milks or sugars the order --

so that's a lot of my preoffice morning these days --

at the office -- long email back to k. in manhattan with apology for delay since friday, that my quiet email time is weekdays before classes and no class since fri --

also, i got a mail back from m.a. over the weekend and i reply to it this morning at 9:20 --

[m.a.]@aol.com wrote, Sat, 7 Oct 2006 15:20:41 EDT

It was very sweet of you to remember. Thanks. I did have a good
birthday.

Hope all is well on your end.

g: all's well but busyish, as on your end too i imagine -- hadn't heard
from you for maybe three weeks, ever since that latenight end-of-i.m.
where you brought up still being annoyed about the fall 2003 "cheating
terminology" discussion -- figured i'd check in and see what gives --
hope all's well -- best as ever, g.


then, between 1015 and 1045, my usual noclassday maneuvering for a room -- my sense is that people don't like classes here starting before 9 or later, or ending much after 2 -- and tu/th classes are 1:25 long rather than :55 long, meaning over 50% more consecutive classroom minutes needed for TR classes -- so primetime here, i.e., midmorning till early afternoon, is maxcapacity here TR -- i'd guess the 10:45 slot TR is the least vacant slot the entire week --

but it turns out that the classroom on the second floor of the oldest building, where class was canceled last week, is empty again today, only i have to wait for that other englishdepartment teacher to finish talking to a student after the spirituality global-lit course that's obviously in there during the prior timeslot -- don't want to look like i am trying to pressure him to leave, or like i am hanging around for no good reason -- so i go and jot notes at the top of the stairwell to the roof, and when i check back a little over five minutes later, he's gone, and no students are sitting there for an upcoming class -- i always wonder how much some teachers cancel their classes here, whether poorly compensated 'part timers' or comfortable fulltimers -- quite a bit, somehow i suspect -- the students pretend to study, and the faculty pretend to teach --

in fiveplus years here, i've outandout canceled twice: first, in feb 02, when one of the students gave me projectile vomiting flu that set in in the library part of an hour before classtime, and someone in an office elsewhere on the floor heard me throwing up in a wastebasket and called security to check on me, and the security guy took me to the nurses station (this place really *is* like a gradeschool), where a nurse eval'ed me and sent me home in a carservice car i had to pay for; and then, most recently, in maybe march 04, when i scheduled a treadmill heart stress test for first thing in the morning, but the treadmill scheduling person neglected to tell me when i scheduled it that i'd need to do two segments several hours apart, and in fact no one told me so till after i'd done the first part, so i had to call and cancel that day's classes too, back in rnl onset era -- a few other times, i've ended a class early or canceled it near the outset, but at the start of a scheduled class i am always there, no matter what's going on with my health or my life -- from 1988-2000, at nyu, i never missed one class or one meeting, and was kind of proud of that -- but fat lot of good it did me -- other people missed all the time, but were part of the little longterm employed ingroup that always took care of one another by whatever means necessary --

ok, so: catching up still on lj, but also other emailly stuff occurs to me, from time to time, as i type -- here's one --


Tue 10/10/2006 12:56 PM

hi s[.] -- saw your incoming cellcalls in my log from yesterday, thanks
for the bday thoughts, was at a[.]'s in brooklyn during the afternoon
and evening -- up at work this morning and early afternoon, figured i'd
let you know that if you *do* want to talk today i'll be home later this
afternoon around a common time that you call me weekdays (3something,
4something) -- may not be home right away after work on weds, though; a
meeting and then maybe car errands piggybacked on that (i.e., since i
can't go straight home after classes anyhow) -- looked around and found
your last email to use as a reply vehicle -- hope your weekend business
etc. planning went well; you were setting out to do business planning
when we rang off sunday afternoon -- ttys, g

leave after one, home via kf (where's receipt?), mailbox on way in: tons of political stuff, have never seen so much as this year -- ok, a couple of open seats for state offices (our assembly rep retired, the longestserving legislator in the country), and apparently, given the dip in popularity of republicans among independents and even their base this year, the republican congressman is running scared with tons more directmail than usual, even sending absentee ballots for those who may not have time to vote (if they work election day) or (if they don't) may not feel like schlepping to the polls -- i think about changing to absentee ballot, but never quite get to it -- maybe some other time -- you have to give some reason why you can't, but obviously they don't check (how could they, really?), and the congressman must calculate that absentees tend to be busier businessy types who might tend to skew toward him --

obviously, with my focus on my own immediate lifeissues the last few years, i've gotten bad (worse?) at family bdays -- mom's was late because didn't have her address, and missed dad's too -- got none from siblings, for the first time ever -- but what do i deserve? -- today, a day late, got one from my parents, which talks about us seeing each other more, now that their maryland move is imminent --

here's the rest of the a./g. rawish im archive for the day (i.e., corrected obvious spelling errors, but haven't taken time to add emoticons back in by hand) --

A (10/10/2006 5:22:45 PM): hello
A (10/10/2006 5:22:49 PM): the flowers came and the difference is amazing!
A (10/10/2006 5:22:53 PM): they are beautiful.
A (10/10/2006 5:22:59 PM): really really beautiful.
G (10/10/2006 5:23:06 PM): there ya go
A (10/10/2006 5:23:10 PM): and it was sent fed ex this time.
G (10/10/2006 5:23:14 PM): let them settle in
A (10/10/2006 5:23:20 PM): they are drinking water
G (10/10/2006 5:23:21 PM): then tell me how they look
G (10/10/2006 5:23:26 PM): [and] i'll send survey reply
G (10/10/2006 5:23:28 PM): ok
G (10/10/2006 5:23:30 PM): vg
A (10/10/2006 5:23:37 PM): ok - we
G (10/10/2006 5:23:38 PM): by door or at 1J [her super's apt]
A (10/10/2006 5:24:08 PM): they were by my door - but i'm not sure if [super] put them there because he told me they were there
G (10/10/2006 5:24:18 PM): ok np
G (10/10/2006 5:24:33 PM): give me a report after they've settled in
G (10/10/2006 5:24:38 PM): you tired?
A (10/10/2006 5:24:53 PM): i'm okay, but yes a bit tired
G (10/10/2006 5:25:01 PM): day ok? after time off
A (10/10/2006 5:25:17 PM): but amazingly i have been by the grocery store, arranged the flowers, and dinner is simmering on the stove
G (10/10/2006 5:25:26 PM): sounds good
A (10/10/2006 5:25:36 PM): wish more days were like this!
G (10/10/2006 5:25:48 PM): and maybe some cleanup stuff or research stuff if you get to it [this goes back to the recent 'two things' i.m. discussion on a's lifeissues]
A (10/10/2006 5:25:55 PM): school actually was hell, the kids were really really really really really really obnoxious
G (10/10/2006 5:25:56 PM): no house tonight, baseball
G (10/10/2006 5:26:01 PM): but done now
A (10/10/2006 5:26:04 PM): bummer
G (10/10/2006 5:26:19 PM): la dee dee, tomorruh is anothuh day
A (10/10/2006 5:26:33 PM): oh, i unpacked that big box of papers into smaller boxes - still need to be organised, but at least i don't have to look at them
A (10/10/2006 5:26:41 PM): i did that last night
G (10/10/2006 5:26:44 PM): so see what else you get to
G (10/10/2006 5:26:47 PM): only 530
G (10/10/2006 5:26:56 PM): or rest if you need to
G (10/10/2006 5:27:10 PM): but you have your two things to work on when you have time and energy both together
A (10/10/2006 5:27:28 PM): oh, i made a doctor's appt.
A (10/10/2006 5:27:41 PM): regular dr. this saturday morning
A (10/10/2006 5:27:49 PM): psychiatrist monday after school [re ssri or similar med]
A (10/10/2006 5:28:13 PM): see, so i'm doing my two things
G (10/10/2006 5:28:13 PM): sounds fine
G (10/10/2006 5:28:17 PM): there you go
G (10/10/2006 5:28:19 PM): good for you
A (10/10/2006 5:28:32 PM): how was your day?
A (10/10/2006 5:28:39 PM): after your long night's rest
G (10/10/2006 5:29:13 PM): i still feel a little sleepy, it's the shorter days and cooler nights, biological i guess
G (10/10/2006 5:29:19 PM): but ok
A (10/10/2006 5:29:35 PM): hibernation
G (10/10/2006 5:29:41 PM): yep
G (10/10/2006 5:30:13 PM): so you have to check dinner at some point, you implied?
A (10/10/2006 5:30:48 PM): it is done i think, just time to eat it soon
G (10/10/2006 5:31:01 PM): sounds good
G (10/10/2006 5:31:17 PM): so i'll be here for probably another 90 mins to 2 hrs
G (10/10/2006 5:31:20 PM): typing
A (10/10/2006 5:31:35 PM): okay - wow, that's a lot of typing
A (10/10/2006 5:31:46 PM): i'll check back in a bit, after dinner and chill out time
G (10/10/2006 5:32:05 PM): opk, ttys
G (10/10/2006 8:08:34 PM): ok, wow, 2 hrs 40 mins, guess i'll call you tennish
G (10/10/2006 8:08:40 PM): time flies
A (10/10/2006 8:11:38 PM): time does fly
G (10/10/2006 8:12:39 PM): yep
G (10/10/2006 8:12:57 PM): so you are settled in to tv or somesuch now i imagine
G (10/10/2006 8:13:17 PM): ttyl
A (10/10/2006 8:14:12 PM): i answered door
A (10/10/2006 8:14:18 PM): right after i typed to you
G (10/10/2006 8:14:19 PM): ah
G (10/10/2006 8:14:21 PM): np
A (10/10/2006 8:14:21 PM): ate
A (10/10/2006 8:14:25 PM): talked to dad on phone
G (10/10/2006 8:14:36 PM): how's he?
A (10/10/2006 8:14:55 PM): but now i'm running over to 99 cent store to buy birthday cards [for family] that i keep forgetting
A (10/10/2006 8:15:00 PM): he sounded good
G (10/10/2006 8:15:04 PM): ok
G (10/10/2006 8:15:07 PM): have fun
A (10/10/2006 8:15:08 PM): [he] even went to work for a few hours today
G (10/10/2006 8:15:10 PM): ttyl i assume
A (10/10/2006 8:15:12 PM): so that was good
G (10/10/2006 8:15:14 PM): yep
A (10/10/2006 8:15:18 PM): yes, i'll say hi when i get back
G (10/10/2006 8:15:21 PM): ok
G (10/10/2006 8:15:23 PM): ttys
G (10/10/2006 8:15:25 PM): bfn
A (10/10/2006 8:53:47 PM): uh oh, you may be asleep
A (10/10/2006 8:53:54 PM): 99 cent store was closed
A (10/10/2006 8:53:55 PM): bummer
A (10/10/2006 8:54:02 PM): i'll have to buy cards tomorrow
A (10/10/2006 8:54:40 PM): going to check mail
A (10/10/2006 8:54:47 PM): i'll check back soon
A (10/10/2006 9:05:10 PM): hey, sleepy head
G (10/10/2006 9:25:49 PM): not sleepy
G (10/10/2006 9:25:53 PM): just in other room
G (10/10/2006 9:26:02 PM): i'll call in a little while?
A (10/10/2006 9:27:21 PM): hi
A (10/10/2006 9:27:25 PM): yes, please do
A (10/10/2006 9:27:46 PM): i was projecting perhaps, i'm the sleepy one
G (10/10/2006 9:28:12 PM): ok, will call in five or so
A (10/10/2006 9:28:14 PM): call whenever you can, i'm just bed prepping and such
G (10/10/2006 9:28:16 PM): k
G (10/10/2006 9:28:18 PM): yep
G (10/10/2006 9:28:21 PM): very soon

starting at 938pm, a 39-minute cellcall -- then some totally offstage freetime, snack in kitchen --

i'm still being carbish these days, too carby for me i'm sure: had 1/2 of a melone italianloaf (that's c. 100g carb), tuna fish sandwich, at 6something am; another quarter of it with bread and butter after arriving home, about 2pm; and the last quarter of it with dinner, around 6ish: the bottom half with p.b., and the top half sliced in half to make a mini cheese-and-mayo sandwich; here, in the middle of the 10pm hour, i have two loose pieces ripped off another melone loaf -- so probably over 250g carb today just in bread -- and i also had a benandjerrys 2.50 weeklyspecial i.c., chubby hubby (whose annoying and embarrassing name has always kept me from ever getting it before, but everything once i guess) -- which is another 120 or so grams of carb, between 130 and 145pm somewhere, while watching the weather channel on tv -- what is that, close to 400g carb right there? not good; gotta stop this -- i've taken two extra metformin today, hoping to mitigate any problem --

but also ate the last two of the nine romaine hearts that i bought, in three bags of three, last monday, reduced for quick sale, plus some of the bluecheese dressing from yest -- and in the evening, the very very last of the three large seedless watermelons i got at the korean grocery a few days before j left in mid august (not as tasty near the end as earlier on; some of the sugar had turned to starch, i guess) -- so finally there's not a watermelon or part of one taking up part of the middle shelf -- first time that's been the case in about 7-8 weeks --

then off to sleep myself, after eating my last shreds of loaf in a dark bed --
linkpost comment

happy bday... [Oct. 9th, 2006|11:14 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |rushedrushed]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, that goofy happy bday song...]

up to sb 735ish; just like last monday very little traffic -- it's not only columbus day and a publicemployee dayoff, it's also a sukkoth-related observance date, so quoth a. --

i'm typing...

G (10/9/2006 8:22:32 AM): ok, done with dogwalk, may go for groceries quickly in a bit, have to get laundry out of dryer anyhow
A (10/9/2006 9:16:07 AM): happy birthday to you
A (10/9/2006 9:16:12 AM): happy birthday to you
G (10/9/2006 9:16:16 AM): ha ha
G (10/9/2006 9:16:21 AM): cute
G (10/9/2006 9:16:24 AM): right
A (10/9/2006 9:16:27 AM): happy birthday grehhhhhheg
A (10/9/2006 9:16:37 AM): happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
A (10/9/2006 9:16:43 AM): good morning
G (10/9/2006 9:16:45 AM): hi
G (10/9/2006 9:16:50 AM): but no roses ha ha :-)
G (10/9/2006 9:16:51 AM): morning
A (10/9/2006 9:16:58 AM): i could send you some
G (10/9/2006 9:17:04 AM): we'll live but ty
A (10/9/2006 9:17:11 AM): but bitchface downstairs would have to sign for them
G (10/9/2006 9:17:15 AM): yep
A (10/9/2006 9:17:17 AM): and then j would get them from her
G (10/9/2006 9:17:18 AM): that's it
G (10/9/2006 9:17:20 AM): right
A (10/9/2006 9:17:22 AM): and you'd really be fucked
G (10/9/2006 9:17:35 AM): well, just more annoyance to deal with, i have been through a lot already

a. on i.m. eventually asks me out (after sat/sun, i'm not making any assumptions), i finish what i'm typing and then prep, decide to get grocs on the way to a.'s, rather than as a separate pre-errand, to save an extra ten mins or so -- out of the house at 1045-50 or so -- here's the struggle toward resolution, immediately following from the preceding im passage --

G (10/9/2006 9:17:44 AM): anyway
G (10/9/2006 9:17:49 AM): so did you sleep well
A (10/9/2006 9:18:07 AM): actually, yes
A (10/9/2006 9:18:32 AM): having the a/c helps
G (10/9/2006 9:18:36 AM): good
A (10/9/2006 9:18:37 AM): i like to be cool at night
G (10/9/2006 9:19:03 AM): you are cool, ok B-)
G (10/9/2006 9:19:09 AM): ha ha
A (10/9/2006 9:19:31 AM): cute
A (10/9/2006 9:19:40 AM): not that cool :-)
G (10/9/2006 9:20:13 AM): ok, np
G (10/9/2006 9:20:24 AM): so youre up for good now
G (10/9/2006 9:20:26 AM): 920
A (10/9/2006 9:20:54 AM): i am
A (10/9/2006 9:21:07 AM): just trying to convince myself to clean up a little
A (10/9/2006 9:21:29 AM): never quite sure where to start
G (10/9/2006 9:21:54 AM): well, you are thinking about it
G (10/9/2006 9:22:01 AM): if you want to talk some about it, let me know
A (10/9/2006 9:22:06 AM): what are you up to today, or are you still figuring that out too?
G (10/9/2006 9:22:16 AM): just typing right now, have not made plans
G (10/9/2006 9:22:35 AM): did various lifemaintenance things already
G (10/9/2006 9:22:38 AM): laundry done
G (10/9/2006 9:22:40 AM): coffee
G (10/9/2006 9:22:47 AM): walk dog home, clean up his crap
G (10/9/2006 9:22:53 AM): all the essential stuff
A (10/9/2006 9:23:46 AM): mmmm hmmm
A (10/9/2006 9:24:08 AM): you've already done laundry? wow
A (10/9/2006 9:24:25 AM): maybe that's what i should start
G (10/9/2006 9:24:48 AM): well she came home with some, towels etc., and i said i'd throw them in with my small amount of stuff, so that all happened between 7 and 9 am
G (10/9/2006 9:25:09 AM): three trips down, fill washer, move to dryer, fetch back up at end
G (10/9/2006 9:25:11 AM): whoopee
G (10/9/2006 9:25:30 AM): done :-)
A (10/9/2006 9:25:46 AM): good for you
G (10/9/2006 9:26:38 AM): but now just typing, no big plans
A (10/9/2006 9:27:36 AM): j at work? or has day off?
G (10/9/2006 9:29:06 AM): she left usual, no classes at nyu but office is open, all part of the days off the clerical union negotiated
G (10/9/2006 9:29:28 AM): a few days a year there are no classes but office is open
G (10/9/2006 9:29:38 AM): columbus day is one
A (10/9/2006 9:29:48 AM): so she has to work, or can work?
G (10/9/2006 9:30:09 AM): she left as usual, about 750 got on bus, i walked dog home as usual
A (10/9/2006 9:30:44 AM): so a free day for you
G (10/9/2006 9:32:05 AM): yep
G (10/9/2006 9:32:29 AM): what are your plans?
A (10/9/2006 9:32:51 AM): clean up a little
A (10/9/2006 9:32:56 AM): maybe go outside
A (10/9/2006 9:33:15 AM): nothing really
A (10/9/2006 9:33:24 AM): i've given up on having everything clean
G (10/9/2006 9:33:35 AM): how so?
A (10/9/2006 9:34:54 AM): i can't get things as clean as i'd like so i'm just going to do some stuff and not worry about it
G (10/9/2006 9:35:22 AM): well, that would be progress
G (10/9/2006 9:35:26 AM): right?
A (10/9/2006 9:37:38 AM): right, that would be progress i imagine
G (10/9/2006 9:38:25 AM): so are you saying you want time alone to clean etc. like sat/sun?
A (10/9/2006 9:39:26 AM): no
A (10/9/2006 9:40:04 AM): did i say that before? sat and sun i knew i had plans (even if i did ditch most of them)
A (10/9/2006 9:40:33 AM): i'm just over here being moody blue
G (10/9/2006 9:40:53 AM): "i don't see that happening" is what you said sat about us meeting sat/sun
A (10/9/2006 9:41:27 AM): right, i didn't see it happening - but not because of cleaning - because of what i had committed to - lunch, dinner, shul, therapy
G (10/9/2006 9:41:54 AM): well, you did also mention wanting to spend time clean up alone, dont make me get the transcript :-)
G (10/9/2006 9:42:01 AM): anyway
A (10/9/2006 9:42:03 AM): i won't
G (10/9/2006 9:42:05 AM): ty
G (10/9/2006 9:42:07 AM): :-P
G (10/9/2006 9:42:13 AM): so what's the deal
A (10/9/2006 9:42:14 AM): i know better than to argue with you
G (10/9/2006 9:42:19 AM): argue all you like
G (10/9/2006 9:42:22 AM): you're entitled
A (10/9/2006 9:42:32 AM): right, if i don't want to win :-)
G (10/9/2006 9:42:41 AM): well, i get things wrong sometimes
G (10/9/2006 9:42:55 AM): but i recall about the needing time alone to clean comments sat. am
A (10/9/2006 9:42:57 AM): if i think you have it wrong, i'll argue - how's that
G (10/9/2006 9:43:05 AM): makes sense, right?
G (10/9/2006 9:43:07 AM): anyway
G (10/9/2006 9:43:09 AM): yup
A (10/9/2006 9:43:25 AM): anyway, it would be lovely to see you if you were inclined
G (10/9/2006 9:43:35 AM): well, let's say yes
G (10/9/2006 9:43:39 AM): and work out details
A (10/9/2006 9:43:40 AM): but i do have to clean up, for real
G (10/9/2006 9:43:43 AM): right
G (10/9/2006 9:44:07 AM): but if you had a deadline that would help, maybe you could shoot for getting x done before i arrive
G (10/9/2006 9:44:20 AM): it would have to be awhile, i need to get things together and drive 40 mins
G (10/9/2006 9:44:49 AM): what if i arrived between 11 and noon, what could you get done before then?
G (10/9/2006 9:45:04 AM): i'd let you know when i'm leaving so you have 45 mins warning
G (10/9/2006 9:45:21 AM): you dont need to finish before i get there
G (10/9/2006 9:45:29 AM): but shoot for something maybe?
A (10/9/2006 9:45:37 AM): i could do that
G (10/9/2006 9:46:09 AM): i have a few things to do, said i'd get groceries up street, she didn't get any [all weekend], [she] got home 630pm, i need two or three things too
G (10/9/2006 9:46:14 AM): then shower, havent
G (10/9/2006 9:46:33 AM): but that's all fraction of an hour things each
G (10/9/2006 9:46:45 AM): could leave between 11 and 12
G (10/9/2006 9:47:11 AM): and haven't shaved since fri a.m., is that ok or should i shave?
A (10/9/2006 9:47:29 AM): no need to shave - could blow your cover :-)
G (10/9/2006 9:47:38 AM): well, it's not so bad i guess
G (10/9/2006 9:47:44 AM): but will be clean anyway
G (10/9/2006 9:47:48 AM): so
G (10/9/2006 9:47:56 AM): lemme get to my few little things
A (10/9/2006 9:48:11 AM): ok
G (10/9/2006 9:48:14 AM): and i'll give you progress and imminent departure reports
G (10/9/2006 9:48:26 AM): i'll im by 11 at latest
G (10/9/2006 9:48:40 AM): but ping me anytime, it'll be on when i'm away
G (10/9/2006 9:49:03 AM): so get some of your stuff done, while i get some of my stuff done
A (10/9/2006 9:49:03 AM): i'm going to put some laundry in (i could do that for weeks) and take a shower
G (10/9/2006 9:49:06 AM): yep
G (10/9/2006 9:49:18 AM): you have like two hours, that's not nothing
G (10/9/2006 9:49:27 AM): and then you can do stuff while i'm there
G (10/9/2006 9:49:36 AM): ok
A (10/9/2006 9:49:37 AM): cool
G (10/9/2006 9:49:39 AM): so ttys
G (10/9/2006 9:49:45 AM): gotta get to store in a few
G (10/9/2006 9:49:47 AM): bfn
G (10/9/2006 9:49:54 AM): keyfood, i love it there
G (10/9/2006 9:49:57 AM): bfn :-)
G (10/9/2006 10:41:03 AM): k, gonna leave in next 5-10 mins, but decided it would save time and effort for me to pick up a few things at kf on way to your place (checkout lines can be long in late afternoon and early evening)
G (10/9/2006 10:41:18 AM): so i'd guess 1145 arrival, but will call before i arrive
A (10/9/2006 10:41:22 AM): ok
G (10/9/2006 10:41:23 AM): might be earlier
G (10/9/2006 10:41:26 AM): dunno
G (10/9/2006 10:41:28 AM): ok
A (10/9/2006 10:41:49 AM): i'll go take a shower
G (10/9/2006 10:41:50 AM): so next you'll hear from me is by cell before i get there, probably not very long before
G (10/9/2006 10:41:56 AM): but cell me if anything comes up
G (10/9/2006 10:41:58 AM): bfn

kf -- melone brickoven bread two for one special (1.69 total); three progresso weeklysale veg soups, such as french onion, at half price (.99 or 1.00); onsale kraft french dressing 1.00, and a mistakenly selected notonsale bluecheese dressing 1.69; and then stuff that j. asked me to get, some of which needs cooling, but i figure i can keep in a.'s fridge while i'm there (i sack it separately at checkout) -- first, j. roomtemp: thomas's wholegrain english muffins 2.99, two smuckers allnatural creamy peanut butter 5.98 (slight sale); finally, j. chilled: landolakes premium halfandfhalf 3.29, large jug tropicana fullpulp oj 4.79; total 26.12 (receipt 11:06), of which over 17 is for j. -- then across the street for 40 cash, because i have little cash left, 11:06 also (the bank and grocery systems' clocks must be like a minute off, b/c i march straight across to the bank with my bags over my wrist, just beating a changing light, but no one could be so fast as to go from checkout line to printed bankreceipt inside of a minute --

arrive at a.'s street 1145 exactly, as i guesstimated for her just before leaving -- i park halfway down 28th (there was nothing open on my pass down 29th), call her as promised to let her know i'm there and check on the right order for the three digits in code that opens the locked lobbydoor -- hanging up, i swing the cardoor open and then righthand the retractable chest strap off my left shoulder, and in leaning left to do so i glance down and note a plastic walletsized card lying on that couple of inches of beige carpet between the drivers seat and the bottom of the doorframe -- um, it's one of j's c/c's dropped as she so often does with stuff -- just this morning, on the way out with the dog, i noticed a navyblue sweater at the edge of the driveway, pointed it out, and it turned out she'd dropped it on the walk in from the car last night -- it's pretty dewy but will dry quickly, and with the dark night on a lowtraffic sidewalk that's some feet anyhow from its dropspot, it was still where she dropped it -- i recall some years back she lost her work keys, causing all sorts of trouble for her and one or more other employees, and some weeks later it turned out that, she hypothesized, she had dropped them in the snow in the driveway while coming home in a snowfall, and only noticed them after the snow had nearly melted some weeks later --

so at 1146 i place a two-minute call to let j. know about the card, lest she notice it missing at some point, figure it stolen, and start the whole annoying and timeconsuming cancellation and replacement process -- she had her purse stolen from next to her seat while reading at lunch in a universityrun restaurant at work once, back in the early nineties, and i recall the repercussions of that going on for weeks and weeks, had to memorize a new bankaccount number -- so i call her -- and at first she is confused, thinks i'm talking about her bankcard, which she's used today and knows she has -- the card she's dropped is sponsored (if that's the right word) by the same bank, hence i guess the confusion -- but soon she figures it out, probably used it to fill up with cheap gas on the way home sunday, left it in her lap instead of putting it away, and then it slid down beside the seat at some point --

meanwhile, j. also tells me it's dead at work: no students, many employees off, only a few faculty came and left who forgot about the holiday (ah, intellect...): so three o'clock, she says -- ah, you're leaving at three and'll be home at five? nope, she says, she's taking half a day, leaving at one, and will be home at three -- great, first i get her groceries and rescue her card, and then she changes her mind at the last minute and just as i get done driving out totally changes my plans -- i was going to stay till early evening and still make it home before her, with nothing to explain -- so i rush to a.'s with the chilled items for the fridge, worrying if that's offensive or not -- but she's really nice about it, i leave my white postit "groc" reminder slip on top of my bag so i have to see it when i go to pick it up and leave -- i also jot 'bring fake sugar' because there isn't any over here and it's a good idea to have some in case of coffee --

we lie on the bed a bit and cuddle, then order sushi, then cuddle more, then eat sushi, then adjourn to bed for sex (from above and behind), then cuddle more and talk some -- and then i even spend about half an hour brainstorming what might be keeping her vacuum from working (i diagnose a broken belt, but am not sure how to fix this model; she'll call the manufacturer andor check their website) -- and that's about what you can fit into three hours -- to get home by three i'd have to have left at 2something, 230ish, but that was too ridiculous when walking in the door at 1150 after a 40-minute drive plus prior prep -- so i leave just before 330 --

as i near home, i call j. to say i'm coming from the office, but she doesn't pick up, later says she wasn't near the phone and didn't hear the rings or see the msg -- when i do get home, a few minutes later, she has been there already for over an hour, is somewhat annoyed and somewhat skeptical about me being at the office and keeping her stuff in the fridge -- at first, because she doesn't listen carefully and misinterprets what i'me actually saying, not because it's an inherently unlikely tale -- but then, upon repetition and with explanation, she sees what i'm saying, and gets it -- whatever: being given a hard time is annoying when she's the one who changed everything at the last minute, and expects me to expend time and money on her groceries -- but ultimately she's acquiescent -- why does she expect to be able to change plans whenever she wants for whatever reason, then have me always be ready to give up my own agendas and my own flex-ability -- the only consistency there is that it's always about her; i long ago trained her to expect that by always being nice and giving in if she pushed enough, and often without any pushing --

she wants to use my bday as a reason to go out -- ok, fine -- after some dithering about where (she's doing the inviting and says she'll pay), she decides she wants to go to the indian restaurant a good distance away, where we haven't been in at least a year, maybe two -- i think the last time may have been when her aunt was visiting, possibly fall 04 -- so over we drive, twenty minutes (i drive there, and she'll drive back), then we scour about a bit and find a not too faroff parking spot in the nearby neighborhood, and on foot several blocks back and into the indian place, which we've been going to every so often since the late 80s (it used to be the only indian place hereabouts, is still probably the best) -- a bit of continuity in life --

without really having to discuss, we quickly agree get the shahi dinner, which i think a lot of indian restaurants have, and which we tended to get on the rare occasions we were here in the nineties, because it is a big sampler menu -- must mean a "royal" (shah) dinner, it's multiple appetizers and entrees -- in this case (i've had it several dozen times, know it from memory), it starts with some thin dry cripsbread and a lazysusan of sauces (mint, sweet raspberry or the like, and something hot and spicy) (i naturally prefer the sweet; why do i have bloodsugar issues?); then a version of lentil soup and two each bitesized pieces of three different appetizers; then, four entrees and nan (or similar) bread, namely, chicken with lightorange colored creamsauce, something mixedvegetable, goat in spinach sauce, and tandoori (red dyed clayoven baked) chicken; i tend to leave the tandoori chicken for j (to me it's glorified plain baked chicken that i can make at home), and for her part she tends not to finish her half of the saucy entrees, figuring they are highcal (spinach? ok, there's probably some cream in the sauce -- i think an impt factor is that she doesn't like to scoop the sauce out of the servingbowls and eat it with a spoon, thinks it seems greedy and trashy, but i like the sauce better than the main ingredient, usually -- and i eat indian food maybe once or twice a year, it's not a weight or carb or fat issue in that amount; i should worry about regular days) -- sometimes she'll have a flavored dessert tea and a dessert like cardamon-and-cinnamon rice pudding or a cheeseball in a sweetened condensed milksauce, but since i am full after having two restaurantstyle meals in about five hours, and we want to keep the cost down, we skip that this time -- the shahi dinner lists around the mid-30s (would probably be over 60 if the constituents were ordered separately; individual entrees are near ten), and there's tax and tip, so it comes to the midforties --

then home during the 6pm hour -- a. has left this, which i notice and reply to a little while after getting settled back in for the evening --

A (10/9/2006 4:10:03 PM): success!
A (10/9/2006 4:10:29 PM): i looked at the online manual and there is a slot on the side of the vacuum so you can get to the belt -
A (10/9/2006 4:10:49 PM): i opened it up (only one screw to undo) and replaced the - voila - broken belt!
A (10/9/2006 4:11:29 PM): it works beautifully now though i don't think the white rubber guard [around the bottom of the vacuum, which i'd taken off to see if i could open the bottom and get at the belt that way] is ever going to go back on quite the same again :-)
A (10/9/2006 4:11:34 PM): anyhow, very happy
A (10/9/2006 4:12:57 PM): i'm glad you came over
A (10/9/2006 4:13:29 PM): hope it added a little happy to your birthday
G (10/9/2006 7:04:25 PM): hi, how are you doing? vegging? doing this and that?
G (10/9/2006 7:04:35 PM): you were happy too i hope
G (10/9/2006 7:05:08 PM): broken belt, have seen it before, that was one of my lead hypotheses
G (10/9/2006 7:05:32 PM): you retightened that one screw i loosened on the bottom, yes?
G (10/9/2006 7:05:57 PM): anyway, now you know how a vacuum works, the beltdriven brush and all that
G (10/9/2006 7:06:02 PM): i'll be back in a bit
A (10/9/2006 7:15:51 PM): i remembered to loosen the one screw - only because you had mentioned it (good thing)
A (10/9/2006 7:16:58 PM): and i had no idea how a vacuum cleaner worked! i believed you because you don't just make crap up (without admitting to it) and you were being so diplomatic about it!
A (10/9/2006 7:17:20 PM): the rugs look much much better now
A (10/9/2006 7:17:31 PM): and yes, i was happy too
A (10/9/2006 7:17:52 PM): not about the vacuum
A (10/9/2006 7:18:03 PM): i'll be aroundish - ttyl
A (10/9/2006 8:58:12 PM): you've not come back to the keyboard in over an hour and a half, hmmmmm, intriguing
A (10/9/2006 9:05:57 PM): just thought i'd give it a try :-D
A (10/9/2006 9:14:43 PM): well, i'm up for now - probably headed to bed at 10 or so - maybe we will talk on the phone, call if you are awake and inclined :-)
A (10/9/2006 9:14:56 PM): btw - i have [fingernail scratch] marks on my back. yum.
A (10/9/2006 9:15:10 PM): 'night for now
A (10/9/2006 9:49:30 PM): fell asleep?
A (10/9/2006 9:49:36 PM): went out drinking with j?
A (10/9/2006 9:49:48 PM): ran away from home?
A (10/9/2006 9:49:58 PM): late night dog walk?
A (10/9/2006 9:50:12 PM): ed mcmahon came by and gave you a million dollars?
A (10/9/2006 10:54:41 PM): just checking
A (10/9/2006 10:54:59 PM): beginning to feel like a stalker!

unfortunately, while waiting for j. to head upstairs i'd accidentally fallen asleep for the night, somewhere around eight, without calling a. again --

****

a meme/webquiz; haven't done one of those in a long time (used to do them to just have a daily entry without talking about my actual life, back in the waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiting-for-rnl era of the first half of 05) --

Your Results:

You have a good chance of living to 80.

You show good signs of living a long life, but there are still a few longevity risk factors you are not taking seriously enough, or unfortunately, there are risk factors you cannot control, such as family history, which accounts for about 30% of your health risk. While nothing can 100% accurately predict what age you'll live to, especially because accidents account for many premature deaths, the following are steps you should be taking to preserve your health now in order to extend your future.

Try to live in an area with healthy air quality to limit your exposure to air pollutants that may cause cancer and accelerate aging.

Get an education to help increase your socioeconomic status, which increases your chance of receiving things like quality health care. huh?

Learn to deal with stress and anger more effectively for health and safety reasons.

Don't smoke or use other tobacco products, which contribute to 20% of cancer deaths. huh?

Drink alcohol in moderation. huh?

Eat a diet high in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, and low-fat dairy and avoid processed foods, saturated and trans fats. This will also help you maintain a healthy weight.

Exercise at least three times per week for a minimum of 30 minutes.

Have regular check-ups with your doctor, especially the older you get, to screen for risk factors associated with cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and other diseases. huh?

Also let your doctor know what your health family history looks like. huh?

Always wear your seat belt to help prevent deaths in case of an accident. And don't forget to always drive safely. huh?
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sunday writing writing 84: miscellanea [Oct. 8th, 2006|03:47 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |busybusy]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Hilary Duff, "Working it Out"]

article in sunday times today about 300millionth u.s. (us) resident landmark coming up in the next week or so -- where the u.s. is right now, where it's been since 2000-01, where it's been since the 200 million landmark (1967; i recall that in the news, but i was a weird 9-10 y.o.), where it's been since 1915 (100 million), where it's been since the outset -- how to do a bigpic perspec on a bigpic country and culture over time -- aggregations (synchronic); cumulative totalities (diachronic as well as synchronic); proportional represntativeness along all important axes -- 400 million will be around 2050 --

***

another perspective: the latest installment of the 7up movie format, 49up, is out this week here -- indiv people's lives unfolding complexly and not totally predictably, over time --

***

didn't get to it last week, but did see it today while catching up on newspaper reading: a feature article from the week in review section last sunday in the times, about the hugely vast number of possible alternate simultaneous universes -- still, g. adds, there must be some more general set of existential parameters underlying and possibilitizing all the specific possibilities -- cohesion is always lurking there beneath pomo-trendy variety or diversity, just at some more abstract level -- the great dance between cohesion and variety, identity or similarity and difference, 0's and 1's constituent of anything...
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more self sunday [Oct. 8th, 2006|11:12 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |contemplativewhat about myself?]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Phish, "Self"]

a self moment: my left big toenail has hurt all the time every day for about a month, ever since that saturday i cleaned the kitchen -- ever since then, i wander around all day, every day, with it on my mind, on and off, a little or a lot, depending on how much other things are absorbing my attention, and how much physical stress i'm putting on it at a given point (mainly, but walking) -- it bugs me, bugs me, just another of these flaws in life that never seem to get fixed -- finally, this morning fairly early, i sit down to poke at it, pressing and digging with fingertips and nails along the right side of the problem toenail, and the right part of its cuticle -- there must be something stuck there, not sure what, maybe a bit of nail down in there, or dried skin or callous, perhaps stuck between the side of the nail and the adjacent skin -- i keep messing with it, it hurts: but on i press -- and after a good 10-15 minutes of messing, i seem to have manipulated it some and removed small bits of material (seems like some dry skin, not nail) -- and then i leave it alone -- after about an hour, when the throbbing's faded, finally it actually feels not too bad, for the first time in a month -- and by midday there's no residual pain at all, even when i touch or press around the area to check -- i guess that was it -- finally did something, unsure what the problem was or why, and i think it's worked out for once -- we'll see -- care of the self --

here's the entire g./a. im archive for the day, divided into three parts --

A (10/8/2006 9:11:42 AM): good morning
G (10/8/2006 9:12:06 AM): hi youre up
G (10/8/2006 9:12:16 AM): duh!
G (10/8/2006 9:12:20 AM): i'm so smart O:-)
A (10/8/2006 9:12:25 AM): brilliant
G (10/8/2006 9:12:29 AM): yep
A (10/8/2006 9:12:33 AM): the cat has not learned to type
A (10/8/2006 9:13:02 AM): dog happily walked?
G (10/8/2006 9:13:42 AM): yep, 730ish
G (10/8/2006 9:13:50 AM): she can take him for a long one later
G (10/8/2006 9:14:11 AM): all he did was lie on the bed all day and state at me or sleep, didn't pee much and nothing more than that either
G (10/8/2006 9:14:21 AM): stare
A (10/8/2006 9:14:28 AM): was he in mourning?
G (10/8/2006 9:14:48 AM): nah just worried and hunkered down, didnt eat or drink i think, so little pee and no poop
G (10/8/2006 9:14:53 AM): now you are updated :-)
G (10/8/2006 9:16:42 AM): so what's with you? just chilling? or going to shul?
A (10/8/2006 9:17:39 AM): not sure, doing whatever
G (10/8/2006 9:17:57 AM): right, no deadlines or anything this morning
G (10/8/2006 9:18:59 AM): but dont forget your two things :-) [see yest. i.m.]
A (10/8/2006 9:19:06 AM): right
G (10/8/2006 9:19:39 AM): well, those are sit around the apt things, if that's what you do today
A (10/8/2006 9:19:57 AM): not exactly sit around, but yes
G (10/8/2006 9:20:08 AM): what exactly then?
A (10/8/2006 9:20:25 AM): well, it isn't sitting around to clean up
G (10/8/2006 9:20:34 AM): ah right
G (10/8/2006 9:20:44 AM): hang around then, doing stuff, yup
G (10/8/2006 9:21:57 AM): so still coming awake? doing stuff at keyboard?
A (10/8/2006 9:22:23 AM): i was writing down what i could remember of a dream
A (10/8/2006 9:22:33 AM): going to eat breakfast soon
G (10/8/2006 9:23:02 AM): ah interesting dream? in a treeware journal?
A (10/8/2006 9:23:15 AM): writing it down in word
A (10/8/2006 9:23:26 AM): faster than handwriting
A (10/8/2006 9:23:33 AM): sometimes i like that
G (10/8/2006 9:23:34 AM): there you go
G (10/8/2006 9:23:36 AM): ok
G (10/8/2006 9:23:48 AM): so i'll try not to distract you, go for it
G (10/8/2006 9:23:51 AM): i'm here
A (10/8/2006 9:24:18 AM): you aren't distracting - well, maybe :-)
A (10/8/2006 9:24:25 AM): but okay, i'll ttyl
G (10/8/2006 9:24:38 AM): ok, well, type what you need to type then talk, i am doing stuff too, coffee and typing
G (10/8/2006 9:24:42 AM): and reading paper here
A (10/8/2006 10:42:29 AM): leaving for shul, ttyl
G (10/8/2006 10:42:49 AM): hi
G (10/8/2006 10:42:50 AM): ttyl
G (10/8/2006 10:42:56 AM): back in several hours i guess
G (10/8/2006 10:42:58 AM): bfn

there was no call from s. on sat; at 1137 she begins a 113-minute call with s., after a signalproblem 3-minute one starting at 1134 -- main topics, from memory: her job search (sales? consultancy? teaching? combo?); her health (has had arthritis like issues with a hip since her childhood in s. korea); her july nyc craigslist-casualsex s.o., who she has only recently revealed is in his late 50s (she's 34), and whom she coomplains about and is trying to cut off (he wants to continue a fwb thing from his nyc residence; has friends not far from her in atlanta and has already visited several times since august); her problems with her family (mom and dad), who oddly seem to have gottena lot of money from her over the years, and are now discussing what kind of house to buy and where and whether they can get her to put in money or cosign (not sure what to make of all this; i have no independent source of info aside from s.) --

what are these nonphysical interactions about, the past few months? when it started, i was totally unconnected sexually, now am in an ambiguous situation since late august, but even if these nomeeting interactions never come to anything, i do learn about people and interactions -- that's worthwhile enough for now -- thinking about it from the angle of myself --

j. says she'll call before coming home, this afternoon -- i hear from her briefly at 146 407 and 612; she's being toured around up there in the catskills by her childhood friend m., who lives on 'mountain road' -- at 146 tells me she'll call later to let me know when she's actually leaving -- at 407 she is finally about to leave from something like 90something miles away (her original idea is that she would be home late morning or early afternoon) -- at 612 i don't hear the incoming call: she's about to arrive home --

meanwhile, a.'s back from jewish holiday stuff --

A (10/8/2006 5:00:30 PM): hello
G (10/8/2006 5:01:06 PM): 500 exactly, how did it go?
A (10/8/2006 5:01:25 PM): i was home around 3:30, but needed some time
A (10/8/2006 5:01:44 PM): it was a little rough, but good overall i guess
G (10/8/2006 5:01:47 PM): so how have things been going? shul and apt stuff
G (10/8/2006 5:01:52 PM): rough?
G (10/8/2006 5:01:53 PM): what was?
A (10/8/2006 5:02:00 PM): oh, oh,
A (10/8/2006 5:02:10 PM): i had therapy appt. this afternoon
G (10/8/2006 5:02:24 PM): o right that too
A (10/8/2006 5:02:27 PM): that's right, last we talked i was headed to shul
G (10/8/2006 5:02:28 PM): how did all go?
A (10/8/2006 5:02:41 PM): my description still stands
G (10/8/2006 5:02:49 PM): topic(s)?
A (10/8/2006 5:02:51 PM): walked with d--- and the girls to shul
A (10/8/2006 5:03:14 PM): and i walked in and walked out in about a minute
G (10/8/2006 5:03:24 PM): ??
A (10/8/2006 5:03:38 PM): was headed for a nice panic attack
G (10/8/2006 5:03:46 PM): why?
A (10/8/2006 5:04:25 PM): all the seats would have 1. required me to ask one or more people to move to let me in and 2. would have meant i was stuck without being able to get out easily
A (10/8/2006 5:04:31 PM): just couldn't do it
A (10/8/2006 5:04:48 PM): so i left, stopped by y-----s for a few
G (10/8/2006 5:05:02 PM): you couldnt stand at back or in an aisle?
A (10/8/2006 5:05:04 PM): and then came home, grabbed my purse and went to therapy
A (10/8/2006 5:05:21 PM): there wasn't an aisle to stand in
A (10/8/2006 5:05:32 PM): i could have stood in back i suppose
G (10/8/2006 5:05:41 PM): really didnt want to be there? or what?
A (10/8/2006 5:06:03 PM): if i could have sat down i would have
A (10/8/2006 5:06:29 PM): anyhow, over now
G (10/8/2006 5:06:31 PM): right
G (10/8/2006 5:06:51 PM): therapy was about? is it talkable?
A (10/8/2006 5:07:22 PM): so not talkable
G (10/8/2006 5:07:38 PM): includes me? or other stuff?
G (10/8/2006 5:07:47 PM): anything we talked about yest?
A (10/8/2006 5:07:48 PM): nope, other stuff
A (10/8/2006 5:08:09 PM): mmmmm, medical stuff yes
G (10/8/2006 5:08:20 PM): k
A (10/8/2006 5:08:21 PM): and general malaise
G (10/8/2006 5:08:24 PM): k
G (10/8/2006 5:08:38 PM): well, we talked about that a little 430-730 yest
G (10/8/2006 5:08:44 PM): so that's that?
A (10/8/2006 5:08:58 PM): right, i told her we had talked for a long time
G (10/8/2006 5:09:27 PM): was that ok?
G (10/8/2006 5:09:43 PM): and you had to chill after coming home? and/or cleaning some?
A (10/8/2006 5:09:46 PM): it was okay be me
A (10/8/2006 5:09:57 PM): i haven't cleaned a damn thing today
A (10/8/2006 5:10:12 PM): i was a little shaky when i got home
G (10/8/2006 5:10:25 PM): so you chilled 330-500, got it
A (10/8/2006 5:10:43 PM): what have you been up to?
A (10/8/2006 5:10:48 PM): it is pretty outside
G (10/8/2006 5:11:06 PM): typing mostly, she called 415 will be here a little after 6
G (10/8/2006 5:11:23 PM): it's about 90 miles up there, just south of catskills
A (10/8/2006 5:11:39 PM): ah, so you still have home alone time
G (10/8/2006 5:11:52 PM): right, a little while longer
G (10/8/2006 5:11:55 PM): maybe an hour
G (10/8/2006 5:12:58 PM): and what's on your evening agenda?
A (10/8/2006 5:13:10 PM): nothing
A (10/8/2006 5:13:18 PM): really no plans at all
G (10/8/2006 5:13:34 PM): nothing major or special maybe
G (10/8/2006 5:13:39 PM): but still home stuff yes?
A (10/8/2006 5:13:55 PM): right, i don't see myself going out
A (10/8/2006 5:14:03 PM): maybe to the store or something
G (10/8/2006 5:14:12 PM): people stay home sunday night, no issue there
G (10/8/2006 5:14:41 PM): you have stuff to get to in apt anyhow if you get to feeling centered, right?
A (10/8/2006 5:14:55 PM): plenty to keep me occupied
A (10/8/2006 5:15:10 PM): i'm waiting until after yom tov to run the vacuum
A (10/8/2006 5:15:13 PM): i think i fixed it
G (10/8/2006 5:15:17 PM): ah right
G (10/8/2006 5:15:22 PM): that's what 640?
G (10/8/2006 5:15:27 PM): full dark
A (10/8/2006 5:15:36 PM): um, one hour after sunset
G (10/8/2006 5:15:42 PM): after 7
A (10/8/2006 5:15:46 PM): yep
A (10/8/2006 5:16:07 PM): i'd vacuum, but trying to be nice to the neighbors
G (10/8/2006 5:16:15 PM): well, later
A (10/8/2006 5:16:20 PM): and i guess in some ways it protects me too
G (10/8/2006 5:16:25 PM): ?
A (10/8/2006 5:16:44 PM): running the vacuum would announce that i don't do what i'm supposed to
G (10/8/2006 5:16:58 PM): ah right
G (10/8/2006 5:17:01 PM): not frum
G (10/8/2006 5:17:11 PM): very inyourface of you
G (10/8/2006 5:17:12 PM): :-)
A (10/8/2006 5:17:18 PM): right
G (10/8/2006 5:17:41 PM): so till then resting and being quiet
G (10/8/2006 5:17:47 PM): in hiding :-)
A (10/8/2006 5:17:58 PM): in hiding yes
G (10/8/2006 5:18:11 PM): even from d--- and kids?
A (10/8/2006 5:18:16 PM): i'm going to go hide under the covers
A (10/8/2006 5:18:20 PM): hiding from everyone
G (10/8/2006 5:18:55 PM): work on what embarrasses you when you have time, that helps more than staying under the covers, which can only be done a few hours at a time
A (10/8/2006 5:19:13 PM): i'll consider that
G (10/8/2006 5:19:22 PM): k, just a thought :-)
G (10/8/2006 5:19:29 PM): so going to chill now for a bit?
A (10/8/2006 5:19:32 PM): yep
G (10/8/2006 5:19:36 PM): ok, ttyl
G (10/8/2006 5:19:46 PM): i'll be around on and off all evening i bet
A (10/8/2006 5:19:46 PM): enjoy your alone time - ttyl
G (10/8/2006 5:19:52 PM): not much of that left
G (10/8/2006 5:19:55 PM): ttyl :-)

j arrives 615 -- she called to ask whether to buy a whole boston market chicken on the way home, and since i didn't hear the call she got one anyhow, receipt $7.49 at 6:05 -- i eat my half while standing at the kitchen foodprep counter while she sits at the kitchen table -- she tells me about her friend and her life upstate -- i recall that h. was upstate, in another part of the catskills, when i was talking to her the most, in july -- and i also wonder, what does j.'s pal upstate, and her life up there, have to do with me?

G (10/8/2006 9:36:22 PM): so are you still under the covers over four hours later?
A (10/8/2006 9:57:38 PM): hello
G (10/8/2006 9:57:50 PM): yes
G (10/8/2006 9:57:51 PM): hi
G (10/8/2006 9:57:53 PM): so
A (10/8/2006 9:58:00 PM): when were you buzzing?
A (10/8/2006 9:58:05 PM): i just saw them
G (10/8/2006 9:58:19 PM): between 936 and 956?
G (10/8/2006 9:58:39 PM): anyway, i know you dont always wanna be up too late
G (10/8/2006 9:58:41 PM): so
G (10/8/2006 9:59:05 PM): thought you were typing
G (10/8/2006 9:59:07 PM): so
A (10/8/2006 9:59:12 PM): no, waiting for you
G (10/8/2006 9:59:22 PM): want a call or watching tv on a sunday night?
A (10/8/2006 9:59:30 PM): i'd love a call
G (10/8/2006 9:59:45 PM): ok, just a few mins, by a few after 10, it's 959
A (10/8/2006 9:59:53 PM): np
G (10/8/2006 9:59:56 PM): 5 maybe, tops
G (10/8/2006 9:59:57 PM): k
A (10/8/2006 9:59:59 PM): i'll ttywyc :-)
G (10/8/2006 10:00:00 PM): bfn

1011pm, 37-minute callcall to a. -- she's unhappy, was talking to her therapist about selfdislike, trying a moodmed -- i don't get huge detail --

then i'm off to sleep 11ish, soon after ringing up -- i tend to latetalk with the lights off and lying in bed --
linkpost comment

remote a. day [Oct. 7th, 2006|12:11 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |worriedworried]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Kate Bush, "A Coral Room"]

j. is taking the car all weekend to visit her childhood friend upstate -- she and her childhood friend both lived in a lower middleclass neighborhood several miles from where we live now, an area that has been really dumpy since the sixties (j. left the nabe in 1961 at age 10, and her grandmother left it, bedridden and widowed, in 1988) -- so i will have the weekend to myself, and i kind of have the sense that a. and i will get together, but last night she didn't sound 100% -- so we'll see --

after i call her (she asked for that fri. night), j.'s up and down at 625am, we're up to sb early with the dog (730ish?), back home at 825, and she leaves in the car 905 -- i leave her curbside, programming her gps --

i stay in all day, dog on bed dozing where he can hear and see me, me sitting at the comp -- sometimes aac on and being checked, sometimes me typing while ignoring aac --

after a few early a.m. back and forths with a. on im, we talk 921-29 after j. leaves -- a. is invited to lunch and then again to dinner for sukkoth-related jewish socializing today with pals of her downthehall neighbor d---'s --

a.'s gone for two hours, then back 1121-33 while getting ready to leave for lunch -- e.g.:

A (11:23:20 AM): [...] i'm not so sure i want to go [to the dinner i've been invited to]
A (11:23:23 AM): but probably will
G (11:23:33 AM): what are the downsides?
A (11:24:07 AM): i'm tired, i don't know the people, they speak hebrew, i'd like to see you
G (11:24:39 AM): well, do what makes sense, i am open from now till late sunday morning, so you can still dither or do other things also :-)
G (11:25:15 AM): only practical point is that to prep and travel is three hours, so some lead time is needed for me to get there if that happens
G (11:25:48 AM): hell, i couldn't be there till nearly three if i started to get ready to go now
[...]
G (11:27:13 AM): well, think about what you want to do, it wld just take me three hours, or nearly, to get there from the time you let me know to come
A (11:27:34 AM): i know
A (11:28:02 AM): i don't see it happening
G (11:28:10 AM): what happening?
A (11:28:50 AM): seeing each other tonight
G (11:29:16 AM): well, it is a religious holiday, and you didn't do last weekend at all
G (11:29:22 AM): or are there other reasons too?

i wonder sometimes if she's annoyed, at me or herself or both, about the state of our relationship so far --

A (11:29:30 AM): no, no other reasons
G (11:29:49 AM): well, there is still monday if you like, we can talk about that later
G (11:30:01 AM): so do you want to make today a definite no?
A (11:30:34 AM): yes, then you know your day, and even if i bail on tonight, i'll just rest or clean
A (11:30:44 AM): the good news - all my dishes are done

she leaves 1133, is back five hours later (436 ff.), after her social lunch -- all that time i'm typing various things; am now caught up till the late 20s of august on lj, the point at which a. and i got closer again -- she's not reading lj much if at all since she realized several weeks ago that i talk here about interacting with other females; it really bothers her, despite the fact that there has been nothing sexual and may nor may not ever be with any of these particular people, and of course she has her otherstuff too, and it has actually been physical for her (her va. guy is in town this weekend, but she's missed his calls and may or may not link up with him while he's up here visiting family) -- anyhow, as for a., she's jealous, duh! -- freely admits to her doublestandard, she says --

re today, she's tired after lunch and doesn't want to go to dinner, but her neighbor will try to get her to go -- late in the 4 and early in the 5pm hours i am trying to use i.m. to help her think and talk through whether or not to go and how to handle it and keep options open if she wants them --

G (5:06:09 PM): that's a way of gracefully getting options
G (5:06:27 PM): that is social lubrication
A (5:07:17 PM): right right
A (5:07:22 PM): i'm fine
G (5:07:33 PM): k
A (5:07:57 PM): sorry, bitchy
G (5:08:09 PM): youre not being bitchy
G (5:08:23 PM): youre just keeping your bitchiness to yourself by not typing
G (5:08:24 PM): :-)
A (5:08:49 PM): see how nice and thoughtful i am?
G (5:08:55 PM): uh huh :-)
G (5:09:01 PM): so what do you feel bitchy about?
G (5:09:05 PM): do you know?
G (5:09:10 PM): clearly
A (5:09:30 PM): do i clearly know? or clearly i do know?
G (5:09:46 PM): do you know clearly why you are bitchy?
G (5:09:54 PM): rather than only vaguely [knowing] or not at all
A (5:10:27 PM): nothing is crystal clear in my life right now except for some old earrings

yes, for her part she has obviously been working through a lot of selfstuff in the week since her birthday, as well as in the prior weeks -- she says she's fighting the urge to cut, which she hasn't done (or not much) since i've known her, a year now -- she says she feels bad about herself, feels misunderstood (by who? me included?), frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious -- when asked why, she mentions food and weight, and i say i figure it's probably all of the same things we talked about at the concert a couple of weeks ago, when booze loosened her tongue somewhat -- but she says she figures she should not talk about food and weight, and i mention smilingly that i don't mention them either -- i tell her i have to pee, to give her time to gather and jot some thoughts, but when i come back a bit later, nothing -- after some teasing when she starts to fumfer with "um" and a repetition of the question, she gives this list at 5:21:25 PM:

weight, lovelife, [wanting to have] children, messy house, worried about father, religion, [not having] periods, appearance (other than weight), feeling stupid
A (5:21:41 PM): um, is that enough?
G (5:22:19 PM): that's a lot to worry about, maybe to work forward we could think about which ones are maybe just different manifestations of the same more general issue????
G (5:22:44 PM): let's see
G (5:23:00 PM): weight periods appearance are physical
G (5:23:42 PM): religion and feeling stupid have to do with how you look at the world and yourself and the rules you live by
G (5:24:15 PM): worried about father is harder, his health is not anything you have control over

i then ask her some about her father's health and her reactions to it, and for nearly ten minutes we work out that he may be ok, it may take him awhile to overcome or get used to his problems, and it may take her awhile to deal with them subjectively, but in any event she has no control over them, and they are not her central issues, so i suggest tabling them for now -- then --

G (5:33:24 PM): that leaves lovelife and children, which are connected
G (5:33:29 PM): and house being messy
G (5:33:43 PM): and there are other links between these
G (5:33:50 PM): hmm
G (5:34:07 PM): they could be regrouped, they could be done in lots of orders
G (5:34:14 PM): have to start somewhere
G (5:34:36 PM): maybe one place to start is with the most daytoday thing, the house

i'm trying to be safe -- the house seems basic, doable, safer than some other topics -- we talk about that for a good ten minutes --

G (5:49:17 PM): well, on a practical level if you feel that it doesnt make any difference, no one comes over much, you dont really like yourself that well, etc., you'd naturally start to say: why bother, what difference does it makes, who cares, why should it be any better, etc.
A (5:49:48 PM): um, yea
G (5:50:13 PM): but you like decoration, food prep: you like things to be orderly and aesthetic
G (5:50:18 PM): so do it for yourself
[...]
G (5:51:54 PM): [...] you would feel less inert or isolated or down if you kept your homeworld in a way that reflects your own sense of order and niceness
G (5:52:15 PM): so be good to yourself, dont punish yourself by living in a mess that always bugs you
G (5:52:22 PM): get it arranged, and then keep it that way
A (5:52:36 PM): now you sound like sbs [her weekly therapist] - she always says "be good to yourself"

i try suggesting she give herself a week to neaten the house, and then keep it that way -- she says ok -- so then at 605pm i go back, via the miracle of copyandpaste, to the analysis i made at 523 (see above) -- she says she's somewhat tired but wants to see what i have to say -- so --

G (6:08:35 PM): there are several factors to children, but before you get to any other factors the health/periods factors come first, so for now let's group children with those
G (6:08:51 PM): weight periods appearance children are physical

i ask her about her recent doctor visits, and it seems her period problems the last three years still don't have a clear medical cause, and also that her weight may or may not be the driving issue there (remains to be seen), but that it might, and she will follow through medically and try to pin that down -- i try to close with the idea that if food/weight underlie periods/children, then all the physical issues just listed would be improved or resolved by focusing successfully on weight --

G (6:17:28 PM): food comforts, it does what you want, it doesnt reject or criticize
[...]
G (6:18:24 PM): you should be using [the little black cat] pip for 'unconditional' love, not food beyond how much you really need :-)
G (6:18:54 PM): but i dont want to be the food nazi, you just rebelled against it when i bugged you some about food in the spring
G (6:19:23 PM): it has to be something you want yourself or you'll just binge secretly and/or openly when no one is there to have any say about it
A (6:21:01 PM): so why can't i make myself want it?
A (6:22:03 PM): and my temp is only 98.1 so i don't know why face flushed, but feel like crap
G (6:22:41 PM): stuff that bugs you makes you feel crappy
G (6:22:51 PM): current topics, plus dinner looming
A (6:23:04 PM): and btw, the books i bought the other day - were all about eating and weight loss and health - which is why you picked up on me being odd about them
A (6:23:28 PM): i'm not so adept at lying
G (6:23:36 PM): i said back in the spring: is eating as much as you like whenever you like your highest prioity, to which all else is subordinate? that is what you have to think about
A (6:23:46 PM): i'm not going to dinner
A (6:24:11 PM): i so don't eat as much as i'd like of whatever i like whenever i like
G (6:24:24 PM): but far more than you need for your size, 5-0
A (6:24:35 PM): yes
[...]
A (6:25:13 PM): i said i don't eat all i want of what i want when i want it
[...]
G (6:25:52 PM): what's the point of disputing that point? you need to think about what to do to get from however much you are eating that you dont need down to just what you actually need

she talks about all the diets she's been on, most haven't worked or she hasn't been able to stick to them, some better or worse than others -- she says she has considered one doctor's suggestion of gastric bypass, but she's scared of complications and effects -- i suggest she research and read up on it more, and then talk to a doctor some more -- if selfcontrol in that area is such a longestablished issue for her, maybe just what she needs is something that takes her ability to choose off the table -- she says it doesn't solve the psych stuff, which is true, but working on the weight and possibly related physical stuff might help the selfdislike etc. psych stuff -- and don't procrastinate, take the same week or so that the house stuff should reasonably take --

G (6:39:44 PM): arranhging house and fixing weight might get you on the road for everything but religion, feeling stupid, lovelife
G (6:39:46 PM): but
G (6:40:04 PM): i bet that house arranging and weight progress would fix part of feeling stupid
G (6:40:15 PM): feeling stupid how? that could cover a lot of possibilities
A (6:41:34 PM): that in 20 years i haven't fixed much
G (6:42:55 PM): well, fixing housestuff and weight stuff would really help there
G (6:42:59 PM): right?
A (6:43:05 PM): right
G (6:43:15 PM): bet you could have made progress on both by years end
G (6:43:21 PM): dont procrastinate
G (6:43:27 PM): you got to career change [to being a teacher, starting half a decade ago]
G (6:43:30 PM): [and your] new york move
G (6:43:33 PM): get to this stuff
G (6:43:38 PM): [make them the] next items on [the] agenda
G (6:43:40 PM): right?
A (6:44:05 PM): yes
G (6:44:28 PM): religion and lovelife are all tied in to all this, i'm sure
G (6:44:35 PM): but if you are tired
G (6:45:03 PM): it is easy for you to say to yourself 'two things: house arrangement, finish that; weight loss research: get to that'
[...]
G (6:56:51 PM): so make progress on stuff and when you think about things you'll have more positive feelings, fewer negative or dicey ones
A (6:57:24 PM): that's true
G (6:57:37 PM): ok, two things, that's all you have to remember for now

by 7, d---'s kids are knocking on her door saying it's time to leave for dinner, so at ten after she goes afk to tell d--- she's not going, is back at 721 -- she'll have leftover chicken for dinner instead --

A (7:24:33 PM): i don't have my party sparkle on, and i need that to meet new people
A (7:24:59 PM): very hard to meet new people when not feeling confident
G (7:25:00 PM): ah i see
G (7:25:17 PM): ok, well, dont waste time then, do it when feeling in the right mood and place
A (7:25:46 PM): sometimes i can create it, and sometimes i fake it, but just didn't feel like doing either tonight
A (7:25:58 PM): which i may regret later, but at least i decided
[...]
A (7:28:54 PM): i could still go to [dinner]
G (7:29:06 PM): what do you *want* to do?
A (7:29:08 PM): could show up and she'd be cool
A (7:29:15 PM): hide in the closet
G (7:29:40 PM): no one really seriously desires to hide in a closet when in their own house already
A (7:30:03 PM): small, safe, quiet, dark, rather appealing, really
A (7:30:31 PM): and it is empty since the clothes are on the futon :D
G (7:30:36 PM): your apt isnt ok for that?
A (7:30:47 PM): not small safe quiet and dark enough
G (7:30:54 PM): turn down lights
A (7:30:58 PM): they are
[...]
A (7:33:17 PM): have we been IMing for three hours?
A (7:33:24 PM): this is crazy
G (7:33:24 PM): yes
G (7:33:34 PM): 436
G (7:33:37 PM): i knew that
G (7:33:38 PM): :-)
A (7:33:53 PM): you knew it was crazy?
G (7:33:59 PM): knew how long
G (7:34:16 PM): i was also typing bits of other stuff while waiting for answers sometimes
A (7:34:55 PM): i'm not sure if i'm amazed or appalled
A (7:35:06 PM): i mean i like talking with you and all
A (7:35:15 PM): but seems a little excessive
G (7:35:29 PM): well
G (7:36:11 PM): you came home and wanted to talk about what you didn't like about your whole self and whole life, we talked three hours and didnt even get to lots of things :-P
A (7:36:25 PM): thats true
A (7:36:39 PM): we'd still be talking about it if you'd gone near religion and lovelife
A (7:36:49 PM): probably good to restrain ourselves :)
G (7:37:17 PM): we did enough, i'd say, yes?
A (7:37:24 PM): i think so
A (7:37:42 PM): though one day i wouldn't mind hearing your take on religion and love life
G (7:37:54 PM): better to focus on an amount that'll get followed through on than dilute to point of nothing happening
[...]
G (7:39:12 PM): btw, yankees just [this minute] got kicked out of the baseball playoffs

i tell her some background about yankees, since new york is her adopted city and the kids she teaches know a lot about sports -- she goes off to eat at 754, but we mention talking more later --

the tigers beating the yankees takes me back to 1968, when they won the series, and i was in maybe fifth/sixth grade -- passage of time, nearly forty years -- wonder if they'll win this time --

A (10:05:46 PM): hey, you still up?
G (10:06:18 PM): what, am i supposed to have conked?
A (10:06:33 PM): it could happen
G (10:06:40 PM): rarely :-P [i've fallen asleep before calling her quite a bit recently]
G (10:06:43 PM): and?
A (10:06:50 PM): and?
G (10:07:15 PM): you asked if i was up because you wanted to say or ask something more than my sleep status?
A (10:07:43 PM): i just wanted to say hello
G (10:07:47 PM): hi
G (10:08:07 PM): so what have you been doing for 2.5 hours?

she then updates me on evening stuff, her quest for a database password, her high school's library; just before 1025 i say i'll call her in a few -- i speak to her for ten minutes on phone starting 1033pm -- incl. a review of the 'two things' --

after that i know, and feel, that i am alone for the night -- into the kitchen in search of alimentary companionship -- i find and fetch an 8oz bag of storebrand shredded mozzarella and eat the whole thing by fingerfulls in the dark in about eight minutes flat, trying not to drop too much on myself or the bed, till i finish it (i hadn't intended to eat the whole thing, only part: let's see, 80 cals x 8 quartercup svgs, is 640 cals, twoplus candybars on g.'s candybar equivalency scale -- and a lot of salt (i woke up the next morning with drymouth andor saltmouth)
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doesntcount friday [Oct. 6th, 2006|09:07 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |hyperget-it-over-with-y]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Crowded House, "Love This Life"]

between this past weds and the coming weds, this is the only day i have to teach, so it feels a little bit like a rest day or somehow doesntcount day -- i'll cover material just the same and just as well, but i don't get as hyped up or stressed as i would on a normal mon or weds, for example -- like a regular friday (when i tell myself, just get through these and then you don't have to talk to anyone for several days in a row), only more so -- four days in a row off, instead of two; only one day of work between this past weds at 220 and this coming weds at 1115 --

a pedagogical rumination -- as i try to include various bits of life (subdivision: my), i realize there are always more things that i have long done or long known that never have ended up here, or at least i don't think so --

semesters have their periods of stark terror, for example when piles of mostly somewhat flawed midterm essays have been promised back and MUST be finished in latenights and earlymornings, so as to be returned on the nonmoveable nonfeast that is class -- and contrariwise their longueurs, for example when there's week after week of classes with no 'holidays' breaking up the monotony -- late sept and early oct are one such longueur -- weather isn't changing much, no holidays -- one makes progress at covering books and ideas, but the dominant mental mode is one of gritting the teeth and getting on with it, while thinking (for relief) about the next moment things get broken up (in most schools, columbus day andor jewish newyears related holidays) -- ok, i have a threeday weekend coming up after this friday -- then no other break till month's end -- without the upcoming break, it would be a straight through grind from labor day to november, a good eightplus weeks, over half the term --

so these days i am in my common 'just get through the day' mode -- given my class schedule this term, that mode manifests itself as

1. arise and get bitch and hound duties over with as early as possible,

2. have thinking and typing time for as long as possible (usually, middle of eight am hour till late in ten am hour),

3. speedracing classprep to make sure that i have freshly remembered or recently rethought or newly generated relevant content sufficient to fill close to an hour, while making an appropriate amount of forward progress through the current book (sometimes, 20 minutes before class begins, i have zero idea what that will be -- a micro starkterror moment -- but i have always been a fast thinker, fast recaller, fast rehearser -- and all i need to do is keep it in my mind till the end of class),

4. class itself where a selection of a lot, but not all, of step 3 is actually utilized and somehow strung together, with no inconsiderable amount of conceptual and expressive improvisation,

5. a repeat of 2 for about an hour between classes,

6. a repeat of 3 for the second class, and

7. a repeat of 4 for the second class --

whew, roll that stone up the hill, for the only time in this weds-to-weds week -- weds after class felt like an asterisked friday...

this morning, preclass quiet time, i realize that yesterday was also online m.a.'s bday; she's in her mid to late thirties --

happy bday
Date: Fri 06/10/2006 09:03 AM

haven't heard from you in a couple of weekends -- figured maybe you were
busy or needed time off -- i realized this morning that yest was your
bday, i'm sure you had a happy one -- best wishes -- bfn, g


k. in manhattan replies to me 1100am exactly, just before class; don't see it till between classes:

G: right, i know, figured you were shy or diffident or cautious about that --
but since you're asking me about stuff i do, figured it was an
ok time to broach that area again --

k: and if i opt [to] share, then might i become your next techno-thriller protagonist?


G: i didn't think you were the latter two -- but on the topic of what is ok
relationally and not, my cumulative impression is that that's an area where you
are more likely to express dissent from stuff i say than is the case on other
topics --

k: contrasting perspective doesn't neccesarrily equate [to] dissent.


g: there are many ways of staying disconnected: more than there are of being
connected, i sort of suspect --

k: true. while i enjoy writing, i rarely email [my closest current notquite bf]. it's usually IM or TEXT which leads to telcon. yesterday, I felt like being direct and cutting to the chase and sent a one sentence email 'I want to see you'. he calls and we talk he mentions that's the first time I expressed interest in him (yes, i normally resist every time he suggest[s] getting together from even the 1st time)and we agree to meet so i hop in shower. he calls back and leaves v.m. 'let's get together over the weekend when we have more time to catch up'. i call back and get v.m. 'ok, well, i'm clean so i'm going out to grab a bite. enjoy your evening'. g---, i don't take it personally and i won't try to figure it out. i'm not participating in any controlly behavior with anyone. if he calls, and i feel like i'm in a space where i want to waste some time...then i'll see him. sadly, i don't have energy to work on someone elses stuff. i'm too self consumed these days that unless another persons 'issues' integrate w/ mine easily then i'm outta there. perhaps, this is why i am alone these days.

So, i have a 1st date this evening w/ N---. I was at tavern on the green and my friend met him - german/persian, lawyer working for judge,lives on upper east side, 34 y.o. I spent night talking to another lawyerish guy, who called but I have not rang back yet.

So, we all exchanged cards but I'm surprised about N---. I felt alittle a[w]kward since friend met him first but she's dating someone else seriously and told me to go for it. I recall asking who wanted to dance and N--- came out to the floor w/ me and was talkative as many litagators can be. we had a few laughs and i told him i like my men to shut up and look pretty and he rolled with it....I didn't sense a pompous jerk like the other guy I met.

I like fun & funny men who are interested in pursuit of fun as well as interested in me. You'd be surprised how many men i meet tend to circumvent fun. They put the kaboosh on the kitty's fun and it just doesn't work well fo me. so, now we're having dinner at posh rest on upper west side this evening. Attending my friend E---'s wedding this weekend - stag...


g: well, i usually get back to you fairly quickly with whatever i seem to be
able to come up with, not quite 27/4 haha or even 24/7, but a fair amount -- i
guess i have thought about lifeissues a lot from various angles (personal,
literary, philosophical, etc.) -- and i've even written about that issue of
wanting to avoid tough things --

it's a big issue for us moderns, b/c modernity = more freedom, and that means a
lot more possibilities and choices, including possibilities of failing or
screwing up or incurring negative stuff -- therefore, not choosing (then
acting), and often not even thinking about a situation at all if we're not sure
about it or it's otherwise difficult, is really quite a common tendency or a
common failing among us moderns, when we have the freedom not to follow rules
but instead to come to our own ideas and make our own choices, rather than (as
in more traditional and rulebound cultuers) having our ideas and actions more
preprogrammed and not so much a matter of free choice --

k: well put.


g: what few ideas do you feel too attached to? which ones to you feel too detached
from in ways that affect you a lot?

k; i realized i put these questions upon myself, so it's unfair not to respond but i don't feel too organized this a.m. to reply. don't want to scare you will unedit/unfiltered/stream of consciousness so i will resist replying until next time.


G: maybe i'm forgetting something -- hmm, ok, quickly, from memory only --

we corresponded starting the secondtolast monday in august, talked of meeting
that evening, pushed it back till weds, then you canceled that weds about 6pm --
on thur morning you sent a dearjohn letter saying things would just not work out
with us as a possible couple, but we kept corresponding, once or a few times a
day --

K: i thought i wrote you another message which you never replied to...can't dig back into files right now.


you talked vaguely about going to tennis just before the us open started, then a
few days later you said you'd never intended to hint at asking me there -- you
started talking about [your current main s.o.] a lot -- one evening about 9pm, you wrote that you
were going for a park walk with him in a sort of valedictory sounding email, and
then closed this email account for a week -- then you reopened it and wrote
again --

k:poor communication on my part leading to miscommunication. not my style. i'm very direct when making plans. i ask straight out...as i did in one of my emails which you may have skipped. i'm so use to japanese communication style than i read between the lines. no reply means no.


by then we are a month or so in, and my fairly grounded sense was that we were
in 'interesting penpal' status -- but then when you mentioned something a week
or two ago that led me to bring up the idea of meeting or not, you replied that
you had decided the first week we were corresponding that we would not have an
inperson relationship --

so as far as i have been able to discern, that's what things roughly add up to
so far -- do you recall some context about when you thought you were asking to
meet and i didn't respond? what was going on in the coprrespondence? about how
long ago? -- maybe i can find it, for my own interest -- i work at figuring
things out, always imperfectly of course, and find it educational to try to
examine, and learn from, the ways in which i've got something wrong in a
particular case --

and i'd be willing to talk about meeting --

k: ok

classone: birdgirl passage, end of chap. four -- they (the ones who talk anyhow) really do get the connection of life, art, and religion, respond to my readaloud bits with their own feelings and ideas: the sprituality of immersing yourself in life rather than comfortably withdrawing from it, and of accepting life as it is and deliberately ignoring convention -- that's a good place to end on for the minibreak -- how to get to modernity from a catholic background -- bet i'm the only person in the english department who approaches things from that angle -- all the hires that i can tell are cookiecutter academics who believe in the contorted little academic religion (avowedly nonreligion, but religion just the same, functionally and structurally) --

i always love that inbetween time on fridays; it means just one more nearhour to get to before several days offstage, and this time nearly five days (till latemorning weds)...

classtwo: end of 6, and the bare beg. of 7 -- there are several students this term, one especially talkative, who seem to get how relational dynamics and life situations are explored in story form -- that makes it feel worthwhile rather than proforma and forpaycheck --

wayhome, bankstop: 14:26 receipt, move $17 from overdraft acct to my own acct, making 53.61 now in it and 57.07 i owe in overdraft, and then (separate recipt, 14:28), withdraw 40 cash, leaving 13.61 (i always like to leave more than ten in there in case some weird unexpected autodeduct occurs from the old b.o.a. c/c, the only thing that autodeducts from there; chase will only autodeduct from a straight checking acct) --

across the street to kf -- melone brick oven bread 1.69; four kraft dressing (caesar, creamy parmesan, ranch, creamy italian) on 1.00 lossleader status this shopping week (starting today; kf specials week runs fri to thur), three progresso cream of mushroom soup on 1.00 lossleader special this shopping week, and ben & jerry fudge something on 2.50 lossleader special, total 11.19, 2:47pm --

home just b4 3 --

a's flowers didn't arrive; i email the flowercompany, they were supposedly left at 'front door' at 1155am yest. -- eventually, they say they'll resend again tuesday (this is the third stab now, for flowers originally supposed to be delivered on tues the 26th or something) --

A (10/6/2006 4:27:05 PM): i feel bad that all this is so screwed up
G (10/6/2006 4:27:36 PM): can't change what other people have done, can only decide what to do with the situation that exists

we discuss the details on to 438 -- she's also waiting for a new copier to be delivered -- thn events of the day -- she's feeling like she might be getting sick (which i know she sometimes does with time off, for example school break week late in feb) -- i recall and report that i was starting to get a cold or the like last week, got some decent sleep, and it faded rather than blooming -- i report that i will be up early -- j. is going upstate from saturday morning till sunday midday -- she wonders if that means she'll be getting a visit, i say that depends on her health, how she feels, if there's religious stuff to do, etc. -- she goes off kb 456 --

i im her 704, flower place will redeliver tues, she comes to kb for a minute but is really dining -- i send her copy of delivery info email about 730 -- her next and our final im is this --

A (10/6/2006 9:18:46 PM): hey, i'm going to bed - probably will read for a while, maybe we will talk - tonight or in the morning perhaps

i think i fell asleep without calling, later on -- just as well -- she's tired/sick, i have to be up early, and i have the whole weekend free --
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another week nearly over [Oct. 5th, 2006|10:02 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |confusedconfused]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Fiona Apple, "Sullen Girl"]

G (10/5/2006 6:57:07 AM): tty tonight
G (10/5/2006 6:57:12 AM): np
G (10/5/2006 6:57:18 AM): have a good day
G (10/5/2006 6:57:21 AM): :-)
G (10/5/2006 6:57:28 AM): how many beers ha ha
A (10/5/2006 6:57:44 AM): thanks
A (10/5/2006 6:57:54 AM): i know, you aren't expecting me to be here
G (10/5/2006 6:58:03 AM): wasnt sure
G (10/5/2006 6:58:09 AM): i am getting up a bit late
A (10/5/2006 6:58:16 AM): good for you
G (10/5/2006 6:58:20 AM): ok so
G (10/5/2006 6:58:25 AM): youre about to leave
G (10/5/2006 6:58:34 AM): not hung over eh?
A (10/5/2006 6:58:37 AM): i am, was just writing notes for ups [about replacement flower delivery, supposedly scheduled for today]
A (10/5/2006 6:58:47 AM): not hung over, only 2 beers
G (10/5/2006 6:58:47 AM): o yeah right
G (10/5/2006 6:58:53 AM): ok vg
G (10/5/2006 6:58:58 AM): so tty later
A (10/5/2006 6:58:59 AM): have a good day
G (10/5/2006 6:59:02 AM): you too
G (10/5/2006 6:59:04 AM): bfn
A (10/5/2006 6:59:40 AM): oh, would you consider erasing the IM from yesterday from both your archive and your saved files?

i didn't see the last bit till i got home from the dogwalk and was find final predeparture prep --

a deviative bit of my morning --

my pre-u MWF preproom is at the back end of the groundfloor of the old bldg, just down a flight of stairs from the door to the u class -- and it's virtually always empty between 100ish and my near130 classtime, meaning that by prepping there (rehearsing ideas in my head, and even aloud sometimes, at the end of a quiet hall with a usually empty room across the hall) i can avoid a long lastmoment dash to class through corridors and across an outside common area full of scads of students and faculty bunging up the walkways and hallways -- which can throw me off my classideas focus at the very moment i most want and need to retain it -- a two-at-a-time dash up a flight of unpeopled stairs does me much better --

yes, right after my first class i'll usually go to the old computer room in the adjacent old bldg, and hang there for 40-45 minutes before adjourning to the the far end of the adjacent old building -- 1245-100 is a good time to make the quick shift, because you are unlikely to run into anyone you don't want to see -- i don't hate seeing students out of class, but i sort of have an onstage/offstage bifurcation that i like to stick to as much as possible fwiw --

for tu/th a.m. (like today, duh) it's an ok room from eightwhatever (my arrival time, in the lot immediately adjacent to the room) down till like 1015-30, at which point one or more people will start coming in for a 1045 class -- today, when the first ones enter, i quickly but systematically canvass other rooms in the bldg (there are only two floors and a crummy ten or a dozen rooms) -- there have been tu/th 1030s this term when all rooms have had people in them, but today there's an empty classroom (no students at 1040) upstairs, a room where i taught my very first class here the morning of my very first day, i believe wed 5 sep 01 --

just about 1045 an officegirl comes in and writes a note on the board about the 1045 class being canceled, but only about two students come in and look at the board as i type (i point it out to them), so i bet he mentioned it last class and maybe also posted it on the course website; the ones coming in are cutters andor ditzes --

weds afternoon, someone who probably got my name off the paddles email/radio subscribers list started emailing me about her subby interests -- it gets to be a fair number of backandforths today, all email -- e.g.:

"BJ K" <sexy_brat2401@[xxx].com>
Subject: Re: email
Date: Thu 05/10/2006 11:06 AM

Greg,

What is it that you like to play? Do you like role play, giving OTK
spankings, bondage, corner time, lecturing? What do you mean "when you
have keyboard time"? Do you only have a certain amount of time allowed on the
computer?

I am looiking for a father figure to discipline me.

Please tell me what you think.

Brenda


around 1pm, from her:

G---,

I got married when i was 21 also. I was too immature. Never had a chance
to date. I think that is why i am looking for an older guy and someone who
can control me.

I might be coming to New Jersey on the 24th of Oct. If you give me your
address or a place and time we could meet, i would like that.

I am looking for a way out, am too afraid to confront my husband but i do
have a 16 yrs. old daughter who i would not want to hurt.

If you are willing for me to meet you and then stay for a while to see if
we are compatible, let me know.

I haven't really done alot of naughty things.

I had premarital sex. i am sassy. I just like the feeling of being
spanked. It is not the pain that i enjoy but the control you have on
me.

let me know what you think.

I like OTK and being bound. I am willing to try other things.

brenda

PS. Can you call me young lady?


she approached me, and within 24h is wanting to visit nearby openendedly if things are 'working out,' staying in a hotel -- this is partly what people use the www for now, to try to find someone to jump to if they are in a situation they don't like -- that's part of me, of course, and since early 2003 has been part of just about everyone i've talking to or interacted with, wherever there's some sexual tinge or component -- she wants to i.m., wants to camchat, but i am really leery about how far she's gone so fast -- apparently, she throws herself at anyone, however remote, who has some faint bdsm tinge and gives any reaction at all -- after exchanging yahoo im sn's on thur, i end up making myself 'always invisible' to her by friday afternoon -- she writes two more emails wondering where i am, but if she goes that far that fast, she probably gets this a lot -- it's like she would want to marry me within a week, and it doesn't even matter who i am or what i want or need, as long as i am willing to step into that slot -- i'm surprised i haven't had more kooky interactions than this in the last four years -- i feel bad and mean, and keep thinking i will email her and see if things can be adjusted, but i just never figure out how to do it till it's too late to seem very appropriate -- probably a really common looking-for-love story on the www --


[find that groc. receipt with date obliterated -- that's for this date if it has melone bread on it]


and a bit more than an hour after i arrive home, this to j:

Subject: the street
Date: Thu 05/10/2006 03:07 PM

in case i forget later: when i got home from the office early afternoon,
in the parking spot near [nextdoor house']s driveway a woman called to
me as i crossed after parking on [the side street running perpendicular
to our street] -- it turned out that while she'd been in the hospital
someone had smashed her in driverside window and snatched her purse
right off the seat in broad daylight -- i told her about the overnight
smashed carwindow further up the street on this side a few weeks ago --
obviously, someone's walking through the neighborhood smashing car windows
if they see something inside they like the look of -- fyi --

the woman was a friendly but distressed middleaged jamaican woman who'd been up the street at the hospital -- and right in the middle of the day someone smashed her window and took her purse -- lovely -- i encourage her to call 911 and report it and also tell them that something similar happened just up the street overnight a couple of weeks or so ago (i saw it on the morning dogwalk), and that she or the cops can ring my bell if they want -- but when i check out the livingroom window fifteen minutes later she's just driven off, leaving a field of glass shards near where her window had been -- a couple of weeks later i see on the front page of the local paper that the newest teenage thing aroundabouts is to walk down streets of parked cars looking for ones with anything stealablelooking in view (ipods, gps's, purses, etc.), then trying the doors (apparently a fair number of people neglect this point) or, if necessary, smashing a window, and selling or using the result -- there's an interview with several sullen teenage girls about it, in the article --

made tunafish salad thur afternoon after i got settled inside, to use with the melone bread from the bread aisle (not from the bakery section at other end of store) -- only 1.69 for 14oz, at 1.93/lb. it's the cheapest baguettyformat bread in the store --

j. is writing back asking me to get the catlitter out of the car that she left in there on sunday evening after her shopping trip -- i reply that i did so monday morning early --

Date: Thu, 5 Oct 2006 16:37:24 -0400

Great. So where is it....

my 04:49 PM reply:

i mentioned it to you when i brought it in, and ever since then you must
have passed within six inches of it multiple times each day: it's right
inside the dog gate, which is what i had time to do with it while doing
leaveprep early monday morning --

after food, i take my last pravastatin daily 10mg cholesteroleating tablet from my last batch of 90 delivered in late july, orange translucent bottle, white childproof pressandscrew cap, labeled by the pillprovider that my healthcare company mandates (respectively: caremark; united health) -- these days, i'm trying to remember to take them in evening without forgetting them altogether -- it's tough -- esp. with me falling asleep by accident not infrequently -- some days i recall the next morning or the next day that i didn't take it the night before, so i take it late -- sometimes i'm not that sure if i took it or not, because there's no longer one set moment (formerly, morning coffee at home) where i'd either take it or not and pretty much know for sure -- some days now, i even have trouble recalling my morning pills, and likewise take them in afternoon, or once or twice forget them entirely, or am not even sure -- when i had coffee at home it was more regular: drink coffee, remember to have pills with coffee --

s. from atlanta is on the phone -- since she switched from email only till mainly phone and little email, she is often on the phone a weekday afternoon, or more likely two, per week, usually between 4something and 6something, for an hour or more, a few times close to two hours, at a time -- this afternoon, while on the phone, she sends pic of herself as an email attachment, 538pm -- now i owe her one of me, will do it later, after i get off the phone -- she's often moody, still looking for a solid job, so many possibilities come and go day by day, and seem to evolve day by day, that it would be hard to give a good sense of them w/o covering my interactions w/ s. basically day by day --

a. gets home very early, compared to her usual habit this fall, is on im 455, so i don't see her request to track the stillmissing flowers till 620pm -- at that point i send her the email they'd sent me, but she's afk till near 730 -- she then steps away 730something, i am back from the kitchen at 743, she shows up again 749, and finally now we are talking together -- discussing flowerstuff till 757, then more general daystuff --

she's replying slowly and w/o enthusiasm, so i pose this:

G (10/5/2006 8:14:09 PM): you are not in a good mood, right?
A (10/5/2006 8:14:38 PM): i'm not in a bad mood per se, but not in a good mood either
A (10/5/2006 8:14:40 PM): why?
G (10/5/2006 8:14:45 PM): just the vibe, np
G (10/5/2006 8:14:55 PM): wondering if i had an accurate impression
A (10/5/2006 8:15:18 PM): you did
G (10/5/2006 8:15:30 PM): still sounding like it
G (10/5/2006 8:15:34 PM): any idea why?
A (10/5/2006 8:15:50 PM): not really
A (10/5/2006 8:15:56 PM): i think i'm just not very chatty
G (10/5/2006 8:16:03 PM): k
G (10/5/2006 8:16:07 PM): anything about me?
A (10/5/2006 8:16:21 PM): no, i don't think so
G (10/5/2006 8:16:26 PM): are you sure?
A (10/5/2006 8:16:42 PM): i'm fine
A (10/5/2006 8:16:51 PM): just think i want to go chill out
G (10/5/2006 8:17:08 PM): ok, i'll im or cellcall later, 9ish or a little after
G (10/5/2006 8:17:12 PM): bfn
A (10/5/2006 8:17:16 PM): ok
A (10/5/2006 8:17:17 PM): ttys

i'm back on im w/ her 858-900, then on cell for a bit during the evening dogwalk --

i think she's not in a good mood, postbirthday -- it makes her think about a lot of lifestuff --
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another ordinary day [Oct. 4th, 2006|08:58 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |weirdweird]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Nerf Herder, "Pervert"]

ok, so let's skip this morning -- took no lj notes this week, nothing to write from -- whatever happened moment to moment that was of slice-of-life interest is long since down the memory hole as i write this up in november; am still the same monthplus behind i was in early august --

class one: portrait, from the middle of the interview with the director about becoming a priest, on to when he's thinking about his name and interacting with kids rough-housing on the beach, just before the birdgirl passage -- we have a long student-initiated discussion, the last 15 mins of class, about whether stephen is a good or bad figure (and here we discuss the possible connotations of his first name at last, which we did with the dedalus at the outset when someone mentioned the latin motto) -- some think he's a stephen martyr in a positive sense, others that he is selfmartyred and not at all admirable; i try to argue that jj often tries to build people complicated, so they have good sides and bad sides at once, just like all real life people do --

second class: u class: from the molly-up-now passage in ep. 6 till when people are chatting while walking toward funeral chapel --

then home by way of mall -- figured i would drop by to k.'s desk in the achorstore -- that works for me, because i don't have to worry about sex pressure, can talk for a short time and then leave, don't need to drive so far to pick her up, don't need to take her back home, and given that the weather is still pretty nice and the i.c. place is open for another ten days, i can stop by the mall and then for i.c. on the way back --

the one problem is that k. isn't there today when i go to look -- maybe she is off the floor doing something inventoryrelated, or (i worry since she's on probation) maybe she got fired -- i circle around for 15-20 minutes, hoping not to look too shoplifty, and then i figure i've done what's reasonable and leave (when i write her and she writes me back, it turns out that she forgot about me possibly coming by weds or fri after class 245ish-300ish and instead was on lunch break 245-345; we couldn't have missed each other by more than a few minutes; i recall it being exactly 245 by my watch as i walked across the parkinglot toward the entrance to her department) --

i.c. place: a pint of half chocolate peanut butter cup and half nutella -- home, not too long before 400: email, lj, other typing, check aac chat some -- a.'s on im right around 520pm, has reinstalled her yahoo, hence can send and see emoticons for the first time since her copy of the yahoo im software crashed and got screwed up weeks ago, maybe late summer -- she did a filmed interview today about the program she works in; we'd discussed that some in the latenight phone call last night -- she doesn't like how it want, but she never likes how she looks -- true of a lot of people i guess -- she didn't realize that given where the camera was she was being shot from slightly below, and that means any body language or gesture will appear from that particular angle -- i'm trying to be reassuring, 'no matter what you do in life, you almost always have another time to do it better' etc. -- but she frets that she did something funnylooking or stupidlooking -- after talking awhile, we come to the calming conclusion that the producers want to make it look good too, and will select and edit with that goal in mind -- and next time she needs to be oncam, she'll be more aware of camera angles and things -- like anything else in life, no matter what you do it isn't perfect, but you try to learn from your sense of what you have done well or not so well in a given instance, and tweak things next time -- but she *is* nervous, tells me she had a beer for breakfast yesterday -- ok, that's nervous --

G (10/4/2006 5:31:18 PM): how come?
A (10/4/2006 5:31:18 PM): woke up so fucking anxious
G (10/4/2006 5:31:28 PM): how come?
A (10/4/2006 5:31:34 PM): good question
G (10/4/2006 5:32:03 PM): i asked twice
A (10/4/2006 5:32:24 PM): probably had to do with religion and therapy and sex
A (10/4/2006 5:32:29 PM): brb
G (10/4/2006 5:32:31 PM): tu am?
G (10/4/2006 5:32:35 PM): not mon am?
A (10/4/2006 5:34:03 PM): well, i had been thinking about it a lot monday night
A (10/4/2006 5:34:09 PM): so i think it was leftover
A (10/4/2006 5:34:21 PM): i brood for a while
G (10/4/2006 5:34:28 PM): ah when you bailed totally on y.k.
A (10/4/2006 5:34:41 PM): i didn't bail totally
A (10/4/2006 5:34:56 PM): okay, i bailed
A (10/4/2006 5:35:04 PM): mostly
A (10/4/2006 5:35:24 PM): there were a few hours there that i was sortof yking
G (10/4/2006 5:35:25 PM): what did you go to, services wise?
A (10/4/2006 5:35:31 PM): none
A (10/4/2006 5:35:41 PM): you don't have to rub it in
G (10/4/2006 5:36:28 PM): just checking
G (10/4/2006 5:36:32 PM): not rubbing in
G (10/4/2006 5:36:42 PM): when you said mostly i thought i missed something
A (10/4/2006 5:37:11 PM): oh no, i was counting walking with d--- and the girls [her kids] and hanging out at y-----s'
G (10/4/2006 5:37:41 PM): ah thought so, but wasnt sure
G (10/4/2006 5:37:42 PM): got it

she then changes the topic to my plans for the evening, and hers -- a bit later --

G (10/4/2006 5:39:42 PM): ah right, anything really due *tomorrow*?
A (10/4/2006 5:39:55 PM): nope
G (10/4/2006 5:40:08 PM): so chill then, so tomorrow during day if you have time
A (10/4/2006 5:40:10 PM): already wrote my handout for class tomorrow and put it in for copies
G (10/4/2006 5:40:18 PM): np then
G (10/4/2006 5:40:26 PM): you are ahead of the game
G (10/4/2006 5:40:32 PM): and what kind of beer would you have?
A (10/4/2006 5:40:34 PM): never that
A (10/4/2006 5:40:39 PM): i'd have to buy beer
A (10/4/2006 5:40:54 PM): would rather have it in the form of a donut
G (10/4/2006 5:41:16 PM): you could buy one donut
G (10/4/2006 5:41:19 PM): right?
A (10/4/2006 5:41:23 PM): i could
G (10/4/2006 5:41:30 PM): well, prove it
A (10/4/2006 5:41:50 PM): maybe
G (10/4/2006 5:41:54 PM): it's a 2 minute walk
G (10/4/2006 5:42:06 PM): probably fewer calories in one donut than one beer
A (10/4/2006 5:42:23 PM): i may have to look that one up
G (10/4/2006 5:42:38 PM): depends on the donut and the beer
A (10/4/2006 5:42:46 PM): yeppers
G (10/4/2006 5:42:51 PM): could be a close race though

then off onto yahoo reinstallation and wanting beer and donuts, and whether to talk about food in therapy, but actually wanting to talk about sex in therapy, that her sexual fantasies (which go back to age 8-10) have been weighing on her recently -- she reminds me that these are not hearts and flowers type fantasies with rosepetals and horsedrawn carriages -- they often involve degradation or force -- i ask:

G (10/4/2006 6:03:24 PM): well it would be interesting to know whether [any] weird things happened in [your] r.l. [back at age 8-10] and then [your sexual] fantasies started, or whether fantasies started [first] and then you saw your environment sexually and weird things happened after that
G (10/4/2006 6:03:29 PM): interesting
A (10/4/2006 6:03:50 PM): hmmm, that is an interesting thought
G (10/4/2006 6:03:55 PM): who knows which
G (10/4/2006 6:03:57 PM): i dont
G (10/4/2006 6:03:58 PM): do you?
A (10/4/2006 6:04:06 PM): i really don't
G (10/4/2006 6:04:15 PM): weird rl stuff first, then fantaSies, or vice versa?
G (10/4/2006 6:04:19 PM): don't know
G (10/4/2006 6:04:45 PM): well, if you bring up the origin of your sexual stuff in therapy, that's something to try to think about if possible
G (10/4/2006 6:04:46 PM): duh
A (10/4/2006 6:05:49 PM): i hadn't thought about it - always assumed that things must have happened and that's why i'm weird
A (10/4/2006 6:05:55 PM): but maybe i was weird all along
G (10/4/2006 6:06:29 PM): right, who knows which, could be either, it's not better or worse either way, but knowing more about cause and effect or order of which first and which later would help i bet
G (10/4/2006 6:07:10 PM): i bet lots of kids have pervy thought from early on without anything having happened in r.l.
G (10/4/2006 6:07:16 PM): but am not an expert obviously
G (10/4/2006 6:07:38 PM): maybe some are more in touch with their inner perv than others, from early on
G (10/4/2006 6:08:01 PM): like some people say they knew they were gay from a little kid, others only feel they realized that after puberty
A (10/4/2006 6:08:16 PM): right, i see that
G (10/4/2006 6:08:25 PM): dunno
G (10/4/2006 6:08:36 PM): nothing wrong with being pervy
G (10/4/2006 6:08:56 PM): all a question of how you channel it and what you do with it and whether you can be happy with it or not
A (10/4/2006 6:09:36 PM): hmmm, maybe it is my childhood brainwashing, but i'm not sure there's nothing wrong with being pervy

and then we get on to an area she said on 4-5 oct. she really didn't want in any written record, so that part is vaguer in my mind, but i recall that i said i've had similar fantasies, and i bet lots of people do for a moment here and there at least, and it's an understandable area of emotion for a lot of people, but that doesn't mean it will ever get acted on -- we talk about that down till 643pm, as which point d--- rings her bell, a. brb's me, and then she doesn't come back to the kb for half an hour --

turns out she also went out to get a vanilla kreme donut at the dunkin donuts around the corner, but they didn't have that kind left at 7pm, so she walked out of there and came home, well, not quite emptyhanded: with a sixpack instead -- we talk more, from 715 till 740, mostly about the calories in beer and candy and ice cream, and partly about her running off to avoid tough topics, or (when in person) bringing them up when there's no time left to get into them really --

j.'s home soon after 730, and i'm leery to do anything provocative, such as ignore her when she gets home -- but she goes to bed earlyish again, soon after 9 -- i'm ready to talk at 921, but she's watching tv, project runway till 11, etc. -- i tell her if i'm not at im when she's ready, just call me -- i use the phone as a morning alarm, so the ringer's off --

Malapert Wench (10/4/2006 11:05:55 PM): hellooooooooooooooooooooo
Malapert Wench (10/4/2006 11:07:57 PM): decisions decisions
Malapert Wench (10/4/2006 11:08:02 PM): do i call like you said to
Malapert Wench (10/4/2006 11:08:13 PM): or do i figure you really are asleep and i don't want to wake you
Malapert Wench (10/4/2006 11:08:20 PM): i don't know
Malapert Wench (10/4/2006 11:08:33 PM): i'll figure it out in bed!

the sprint invoice shows zero phonecalls at all, incoming or outgoing, for 10/4 --
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in the basement [Oct. 3rd, 2006|11:56 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahgetting by, i guess]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, Puddle of Mudd, "Basement"]

[like yesterday, let me put the manageablysized totality of the g./a. yahoo i.m. archive in this entry in chrono segments -- except for the usual latenight phonecall, which tends to last ten or fifteen minutes (shorter if she's sleepy and longer if she's not or there's more to catch up on), or a few hours' visit every week or two, i.m. seems to be our basic mode of interaction these days -- ]

a dogwalk thought, or thoughtsequence: perhaps part of the reason i have tended, in recent months, to describe or recount, here in lj, quite a bit from this part of my day, is some combination of new wakefulness (brainchemical releases), caffeine, body movement, and anticipation of a finite amount of time to get things done in the morning -- i always have been one to focus on doing or accomplishing or working through x (or x, y, z) and getting it or them done on time and well because, from my angle, that means i am handing things well -- and also: there are always multiple things to do in life, and by fitting as many in as quickly as possible one can get to others after that -- so i get hypery or manic in the morning, and i bet body and brain stuff (see list above) synergizes with that, naturally enough, b/c way back in animal evolutionary times creatures needed to get to things after their rest cycle had ended and their most active daypart was under way; those who did throve better and reproduced more successfully -- maybe this also plays into writers thinking up writing ideas while walking (dickens etc.) --

up to office 830ish; every single room in both of the older main bldgs is full starting at 1045, so now i know, and without even walking over there i know from the first half of sept that after 9am all the rooms in the new building will be full -- tuesday is usually not good up here after 1045 this term, unless i want to go to the comp lab in the new bldg, which is at far end of campus when my car's way over here -- for today, i find a room a that was abandoned by a canceled class, or a class that has adjourned to some remote location such as the library -- and noonhour is always easy -- but after noon, knowing that the afternoon might be busy starting before 130, and i'm tired of being here now anyhow, i head for home, via kf --

kf: two 99 cent broccoli to steam, something reduced for quick sale .39 (can't recall what now, but always some fruit or veg.), two largesize storebrand shredded mozzarella lossleaders at two for $5, and 2.50 lossleasder h.dasz i.c. mocha almond fudge, $9.87 at 12:41 --

b.f. gone, home is totally to myself -- i really like the coffee and chocolate and nut flavors mixed, and the mahogany ribbons of goo running through the beige icecream have a very intense flavor -- it makes for a nice fiveplus minutes, and the dog enjoys watching -- he sits more or less nicely near me while i eat, knowing i am the magically foodprocuring packleader who will take care of him in the end if he is submissive (i'm the god of his cargocult) -- but when i start to scrape work around the inside of the empty container, scraping up from the bottom, and systematically around the entire inside, to catch successive sips of liquid residue in the spoon for one last flavor, he can't contain his excitement and begins to squirm and bound about, aware that his moment, the cuptoss, is now imminent -- after i spoonscoop the liquid that pools in the lower side of the tilted cupbottom, i toss it on the floor, with some excited vocalizations -- he appreciates all that, and proceeds to stick his snout way down inside the cup, licking all around -- and after that's gotten him as far as it's going to, he rips off the white bottom with his teeth and licks the entire inside surface clean -- sometimes he will even shred small shards of paper off the side pieces, following his instinct to eviscerate for food --

i leave a link for a. from an online newsletter i somehow started allowing myself to be sent late in the summer --

G (10/3/2006 1:22:14 PM): online article about jewish guys represented as good or not good dating material on tv:
G (10/3/2006 1:22:18 PM): http://www.beliefnet.com/blogs/idolchatter/2006/09/everyone-loves-jewish-boy-or-do-they.html?WT.mc_id=NL55

meanwhile, things to do -- by 2pm i am catching up on my laundry, since i didn't do any last week or this past weekend -- but there's not that much of it these days (i'll often wear two sets of pants all week, and maybe four or five shirts, since i am not sweating like a pig outside as in the summer, and can wear a ratty old shirt or teeshirt or robe when at home) -- most weeks i do one load at most, occasionally two, and that takes two hours or so, tops --

as i wait for the first load of wash to finish (25-30 mins), i consolidate everything relational i can find, from sept 2002 through june 2005, into one of the large ten-or-twelve-laptop boxes left near my car at the office in august and salvaged -- some of it is the 02-03 stuff j. found sunday afternoon, and since i'm at it and the box is nowhere near full, i use my keys to unlock the file cabinet drawers under the computer where all the feb 04 to jun 05 rnl stuff is, and in that goes as well -- so this box now contains everything relational till jun 05 that i'd not previously taken to the basement bin (i'm sure there's at least one such box, possibly two, down there already) -- since it is slightly depressing in a way and i therefore do it in short spurts, this takes more time than a single washcycle -- so i end up taking the loaded and totally full (but light) box down to the bin when i am going down to fetch the clothes from the dryer after their hour on presumably fabricsaving low heat, my last trip down -- done, all by 4ish, before b.f. downstairs ever tends to get home from her parents on a weekday (that's usually more like 5-7 at the earliest; sometimes 4ish on a friday) --

a's home and on im after 6 --

A (10/3/2006 6:22:22 PM): hello
A (10/3/2006 6:22:44 PM): i'm home - trying to get a quick load of laundry done (since they close the damn basement at 7)
A (10/3/2006 6:22:52 PM): how r u?
G (10/3/2006 6:23:34 PM): fine
G (10/3/2006 6:23:40 PM): how was your day?
G (10/3/2006 6:23:42 PM): longish?
A (10/3/2006 6:23:46 PM): yep!
G (10/3/2006 6:23:57 PM): and now laundry too
G (10/3/2006 6:24:13 PM): i did laundry between 2 and 4 or so
G (10/3/2006 6:24:23 PM): didnt get to it on the weekend :-)
G (10/3/2006 6:24:37 PM): anyway, tty when youre around
A (10/3/2006 6:25:01 PM): sorry about that - yes, i'll be back in a little bit
G (10/3/2006 6:25:05 PM): np, i'll be here
G (10/3/2006 6:25:08 PM): bfn
G (10/3/2006 6:25:09 PM): :-)


j.'s home 7something, as usual these days, and the first thing out of her is 'did you throw it out yet?' -- she'd demanded that, at one point during the argument monday night -- i don't comment directly, but suggest that if she's so eager to know she should do more searching when she has a chance -- 'even the [white plastic garbage bag of] underwear?' she says -- 'look, i didn't ask her to leave that for me; in retrospect, it may not have been a gift but a trap -- she told me she has trouble not picking fights with people' -- 'honestly, i just don't think as well of you as i did before all this started; i thought you were a nice person' -- 'well, i'm still the same person, and if you want to know why things are more complicated than they were, try checking a mirror' --


A (10/3/2006 7:57:22 PM): what nerve - they aren't going to show house tonight - instead showing the baseball playoffs
G (10/3/2006 7:57:36 PM): awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :-(
G (10/3/2006 7:57:40 PM): we'll live
G (10/3/2006 7:57:54 PM): they are saving new ones for november sweeps
G (10/3/2006 7:58:00 PM): three more weeks or so
G (10/3/2006 7:58:05 PM): yes
G (10/3/2006 7:58:08 PM): now i recall
A (10/3/2006 7:58:09 PM): ah, i didn't know
G (10/3/2006 7:58:13 PM): end of show last week
G (10/3/2006 7:58:19 PM): where they did future week promo
G (10/3/2006 7:58:28 PM): they did not say 'next week all new...'
G (10/3/2006 7:58:34 PM): they used different wording
G (10/3/2006 7:58:49 PM): so i bet repeats in oct till baseball is over, if it runs at all
G (10/3/2006 7:58:53 PM): then new again in nov
A (10/3/2006 7:58:54 PM): "next week you're fucked"
G (10/3/2006 7:58:57 PM): yep
A (10/3/2006 7:59:10 PM): not that i'm against baseball
A (10/3/2006 7:59:21 PM): but not 'xactly what i was hoping for
G (10/3/2006 7:59:22 PM): they usually say something promo-ey like "next week on an all new [show x]" but didn't
G (10/3/2006 7:59:25 PM): big giveaway
A (10/3/2006 7:59:31 PM): guess i'll have to watch law and order
G (10/3/2006 7:59:35 PM): yep
G (10/3/2006 7:59:42 PM): fox has baseball
G (10/3/2006 7:59:47 PM): all year
G (10/3/2006 7:59:53 PM): mainly on sat. in summer
G (10/3/2006 8:00:02 PM): playoffs are primetime any night
G (10/3/2006 8:00:26 PM): if they have an open tuesday this month, it'll be a repeat i bet
G (10/3/2006 8:00:27 PM): anyway
G (10/3/2006 8:00:31 PM): so like um yea
A (10/3/2006 8:00:51 PM): like you said, i'll live, we'll live
G (10/3/2006 8:02:03 PM): one sec
G (10/3/2006 8:06:33 PM): ok, you are watching your show now?
G (10/3/2006 8:06:36 PM): law and o[rder in sydicated reruns]
G (10/3/2006 8:06:38 PM): ha ha
A (10/3/2006 8:06:58 PM): no, not watching yet
G (10/3/2006 8:07:25 PM): so your laundry is in process?
A (10/3/2006 8:08:29 PM): no, the little bit of laundry i was able to do is done
A (10/3/2006 8:08:39 PM): they close the basement at 7 supposedly
G (10/3/2006 8:08:52 PM): why is that?
A (10/3/2006 8:08:54 PM): i only did one load
A (10/3/2006 8:09:04 PM): i have no idea - to be annoying?
G (10/3/2006 8:09:16 PM): sounds like a good hypothesis
A (10/3/2006 8:09:40 PM): the super thinks it is stupid too, but that's what management tells him to do
A (10/3/2006 8:09:54 PM): d--- is talking my ear off on the phone
G (10/3/2006 8:10:26 PM): np i'm around
A (10/3/2006 8:50:57 PM): oh look, imagine this: Spiritual Straddler -- One foot in traditional religion, one foot in free-form spirituality
A (10/3/2006 8:51:18 PM): that's my result from a beliefnet quiz about what kind of religious/spiritual person i am
A (10/3/2006 9:08:05 PM): you've gone idle
A (10/3/2006 9:08:10 PM): well, i'm aroundish
A (10/3/2006 9:08:16 PM): and will head to bed soonish
A (10/3/2006 9:08:34 PM): have to get sleep for tomorrow!
G (10/3/2006 9:29:08 PM): ready for call?
A (10/3/2006 9:29:17 PM): sure
G (10/3/2006 9:29:24 PM): k, one min
G (10/3/2006 9:29:26 PM): bfn


wow, this was either my dead brother mike's birthday, or jane's -- didn't get to cards or anything, either way -- i also failed to think of the tenth anniversary of his death, back in early sept. -- life goes on, in its shitty way --
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monday overspills [Oct. 2nd, 2006|03:53 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |annoyedannoyed]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |recently streamed, MxPx, "My Mom Still Cleans My Room"]

the whole manageablysized g./a. i.m. archive for the day is included below in segments -- yahoo display emoticons added back in by hand, as usual --

G (10/2/2006 6:23:29 AM): sorry no call, she was finishing a movie she'd rented from netflix and when i fell asleep while waiting at maybe 1030 it still wasn't over
G (10/2/2006 6:23:59 AM): tty 7 or 8 am on im, if not then this afternoon...
G (10/2/2006 8:04:57 AM): ok, going up to office now, you can leave an im here and i'll see it when i get home -- i'll be home at 3 or so -- have fun at shul etc
G (10/2/2006 8:07:17 AM): or email me and i'll get it any time before 1030 or between noon and one

the huge plastic container of catlitter that j. left in the back of the car after her grocery expedition sunday afternoon slides around horribly on my 7am paper run, but at least that reminds me to bring it into the house and put it on the other side of the dogbarrier on the landing below the stairs to the upper (cat) floor -- driving up and down the hill to and from work with it back there would have been quite a freakshow -- plus the deliberately engineered curvy parkroad -- sheesh -- way too distracting --

after that first car ride, though, it's quiet -- yom kippur, traffic on foot and in stores and on streets very light during the dogwalk, which was on the early side this morning for some reason -- j. was up early, for her, and was ready to leave not long after 730; obviously (given the above) i was home just about exactly 8am --

hard to decide what coffee to get these days -- all summer i got a medium iced coffee, but the weather has been getting gradually cooler (no big cold snap yet), and it's no longer a crystalclear decision whether to stick with that and pretend it's still late summer somehow, or whether to move on to medium hot coffee -- the problem with hot coffee is that it is too hot to drink when they serve it, so you have to carry it awhile -- which wouldn't be so bad except that it has a stupidass sippyhole that i would not be caught dead sucking on anyway, and as you walk the liquid will tend to slosh no matter how careful you try to be at avoid jostles -- so every so unpredictably often hot beige liquid will slosh up through the hole and end up on your hand, on your shirt, on your pants -- very annoying to ruin clothes for workwearing at the very start of the day, unless you want to go to all the extra trouble of dabbing with or dipping in water and hoping for no resultant ring -- one of these days i'm waiting for there to be a stain that doesn't wash out even in the machine -- iced has a lid, no hole, a straw, can be sipped immediately and won't spill anyhow --

i used to wait at the bus stop 2-10 minutes till a bus came, to give j. a chance to socialize with the dog more -- but since her rising and housedeparture have been trending later and later in the morning, she tries to cancel some of that by telling me not to wait -- which means i am walking down the hill, with the dog pulling me, trying not to spill coffee all over myself, flesh and clothing, before i get home -- if i can make it to the banklot where he poops, i can unlid the cup and sip enough, while waiting for his unburdening, that the cup is far enough from full not to splash, so i'm fine from there on -- buttttt, i usually have my trouble the very last two blocks before the banklot, where the slope is steepest, the dog is gottago! pulliest, and i meanwhile am running out of whatever small amount of good luck i may happen to have on hand that particular morning -- so then i get to struggle on the rest of the way with a sticky hand that needs to be washed at home, and often a shirt andor pants that have to be dabbed or just plain changed --

quiet keyboard time at office, 820ish till near 11 -- then a quarterhourplus of quiet firstcourse preptime --

firstcourse: portrait, all of chap 3, on into the middle of the becomeapriest scene -- good, more than halfway through the second book of five for this class this term -- i'm always worried about pacing things out ok -- first chap went slowly -- i often go slower on earlier chaps than later ones in any book, b/c one has to get to know the book and its premises and techniques, and after that one has to be stricter about not letting it sprawl to the detriment of later books -- there are a finite number of minutes in a semester class: predetermined, not expansible --

after more quiet kb time at lunch (i'm near the end of august on lj now) --

secondcourse: u, last two pages of ep. 5 into earlyish 6, to the point where he's thinking about what's molly doing, at 1120am --

stay after work in empty classroom to do some email and lj in quiet; i'm always so ready to rush out of there and home after last class of the day, but i can type as easily here as home, and there are actually fewer interruptions here --

way home, ice cream at the seasonal place (cf. yesterday) -- writing here from the vantage point of the beginning of nov., i can say that i went here not a few times in the afternoons of late sept and early oct, often two and sometimes even three times a week, i'd say, but since i was lazy about keeping journal notes for a couple of weeks in this period, and an icecream stand does not offer receipts, i don't have dates and times except on more memorable occasions (on days when i went to kf, i rarely also went to the i.c. stand; that much i do recall...) -- and i'd rarely do it two and never three days in a row -- wasn't as eager for it, didn't want to get bored with it, didn't want to incur even more of a risk of gaining weight or having a health problem due to carb/sugar --

i clearly remember going as a selfreward after last thursday's bankshop, in an oxford shirt and beige pants, not the usual getup you see at the i.c. place window -- we human beings connect being out and about in the warm and bright but not uncomfortable air with being alive and connected (and re avoiding uncomfortable: i have a/c in the car now, anyhow) -- maybe these i.c. trips help that way (other people feel alive by doing other things, as do i as well) -- i do know that from late sept on till the place closed for the year in mid oct, i only ever got 3.50 pints split between two flavors, never the two-flavor 2.50 large cup (actually, custom logoed styrofoam glass) that i've always gotten there since first going in the late 80s at some point -- and the dog likes to lick and chew to pieces the big plastic pint container decorated with jolly colored italianice faces on it -- the name of the place is blackoutlined orange cursive, next to which a broadly smileyfaced lemon sports a black strawhat and a robineggblue bowtie, as he gestures joyously toward the storename with his whitetipped emcee's or magician's wand -- today, my first afternoon i.m. to a., who i know is home, is from 347, so i suspect i stopped at the i.c. place on the way, and i definitely didn't stop by kf --

G (10/2/2006 3:47:59 PM): ok, home
A (10/2/2006 6:18:57 PM): hi, i'm home now too
G (10/2/2006 6:19:06 PM): hi
G (10/2/2006 6:19:34 PM): been gone since 1030 or so?
A (10/2/2006 6:19:50 PM): no, i didn't go out until around 2
G (10/2/2006 6:19:58 PM): ah k
G (10/2/2006 6:20:04 PM): shul?
A (10/2/2006 6:20:14 PM): walking with d--- and the kids
A (10/2/2006 6:20:22 PM): stopped by to see y-----s
G (10/2/2006 6:20:40 PM): you skipped shul?
G (10/2/2006 6:20:47 PM): very naughty
A (10/2/2006 6:20:54 PM): right
G (10/2/2006 6:21:15 PM): brb water things have been ok?
A (10/2/2006 6:21:25 PM): things are ok
A (10/2/2006 6:22:04 PM): my feet just got gnawed on my a million bugs and are itching itching itching, i put cortizone cream on them, hope it works soon.
A (10/2/2006 6:22:12 PM): how was your day?
G (10/2/2006 6:23:01 PM): bugs outside?
G (10/2/2006 6:23:11 PM): day was ok, classes, nothing unusual
A (10/2/2006 6:23:14 PM): yes, outside
G (10/2/2006 6:23:16 PM): ah
G (10/2/2006 6:23:27 PM): their last hurrah before winter
G (10/2/2006 6:23:34 PM): so home for the evening now?
A (10/2/2006 6:23:42 PM): i think so
G (10/2/2006 6:24:06 PM): k
G (10/2/2006 6:24:16 PM): and [you were] just not up to shul this morning?
A (10/2/2006 6:25:19 PM): i didn't wake up until almost 10 and then even napped some after a bit - i just don't quite know where i belong
G (10/2/2006 6:26:45 PM): belong?
G (10/2/2006 6:26:52 PM): not watching r.r. [rachael ray 6pm foodchannel tv show] that's for sure
G (10/2/2006 6:26:57 PM): belong?
G (10/2/2006 6:27:19 PM): where you belong?
A (10/2/2006 6:27:50 PM): belong - like shul/jewishwisw [sic]
G (10/2/2006 6:27:58 PM): ah
G (10/2/2006 6:28:07 PM): you were thinking about that today?
G (10/2/2006 6:28:11 PM): or just vague about it?
A (10/2/2006 6:28:28 PM): i was thinking about it, and i'm vague about it :-)
G (10/2/2006 6:28:39 PM): figured you'd say that
G (10/2/2006 6:28:41 PM): :-P
A (10/2/2006 6:28:53 PM): you did?
A (10/2/2006 6:28:59 PM): i'm predictable, huh?
G (10/2/2006 6:29:00 PM): well, so you'll have to keep thinking, that's life
G (10/2/2006 6:29:25 PM): nah i just figured it was not an either or question and you'd feel both applied
A (10/2/2006 6:29:45 PM): right
G (10/2/2006 6:30:08 PM): so how late were you up?
A (10/2/2006 6:30:18 PM): um, midnight or so, i think
G (10/2/2006 6:30:30 PM): and pleasuring yourself at bedtime? :-P
G (10/2/2006 6:30:38 PM): inquiring minds want to know
A (10/2/2006 6:30:50 PM): inquiring minds will have to buy the magazine
G (10/2/2006 6:30:56 PM): ha ha
G (10/2/2006 6:31:38 PM): did you set an alarm, or deliberately not set an alarm?
A (10/2/2006 6:32:03 PM): i did not set the alarm, i wanted to sleep for however long
G (10/2/2006 6:32:13 PM): and you did vg :-)
A (10/2/2006 6:32:28 PM): whoo hoo :-)
A (10/2/2006 6:32:48 PM): i think i'm going to go be moody on the couch - will you be around later?
G (10/2/2006 6:32:49 PM): yep
G (10/2/2006 6:32:54 PM): moody why?
G (10/2/2006 6:33:02 PM): yes i'll be around later as far as i know
G (10/2/2006 6:33:06 PM): not going anywhere
A (10/2/2006 6:33:11 PM): ok :-)
A (10/2/2006 6:33:28 PM): i'll fumfer around an answer to the moody question later, okay?
G (10/2/2006 6:33:32 PM): hmmm
G (10/2/2006 6:33:34 PM): ok
G (10/2/2006 6:33:42 PM): ttyl, bfn :-)
A (10/2/2006 6:33:46 PM): ciao
A (10/2/2006 6:34:25 PM): you are actually going to let me have the last word?
G (10/2/2006 6:34:38 PM): and why not :-P
A (10/2/2006 6:34:47 PM): it just isn't what you do!
G (10/2/2006 6:34:50 PM): shouldn't we share the last word
G (10/2/2006 6:34:57 PM): nah, i let you have the last word sometimes
A (10/2/2006 6:35:03 PM): occasionally
G (10/2/2006 6:35:05 PM): hmm
G (10/2/2006 6:35:12 PM): i'll try more to let you have the last word?
A (10/2/2006 6:35:15 PM): on IM?
G (10/2/2006 6:35:39 PM): is this a complaint? i can change that
G (10/2/2006 6:35:53 PM): maybe i am overly efforty?
A (10/2/2006 6:35:54 PM): i'm not complaining
G (10/2/2006 6:35:57 PM): hmm
G (10/2/2006 6:36:04 PM): ok, so you have the last word now
G (10/2/2006 6:36:07 PM): go ahead :-)
A (10/2/2006 6:36:11 PM): i don't want the last word
G (10/2/2006 6:36:17 PM): uh huh
G (10/2/2006 6:36:19 PM): :-P
G (10/2/2006 6:36:45 PM): well, anyhow, ttyl, when you're done being couchmoody :-)
A (10/2/2006 6:36:53 PM): ok, bfn

j gets home at a fairly usual time for her -- she shifted her worktime to 10a-6p months ago to do the morning dogwalk, and it also helps her with arranging coverage at the office (she can stay there till after 5, and others who are in earlier, at 9 day, can leave at 5) -- so she usually gets home between 7 and 8, after the commute --

as soon as she walks in and we are both in the kitchen, she starts making weird comments about letters and the downstairs neighbor, then about the name of my 2003 gf -- while at first i'm being careful, just trying to find out what this is about and not let it become a bigger problem than it has to be, it emerges within several minutes that, while i was gone yesterday, she decided to 'look for' the germany guidebook in my room -- even though i told her she wouldn't be able to find it (that i knew; rnl has it, wherever the fuck she is, and may well have no clue where it is herself at this point, since knowledge of its whereabouts is unnecessary to warcrafting every spare minute) -- but j. has never ever been big on listening to me -- she always thinks she knows best, things has to be her way or they're wrong: so stubborn, so bossy -- and i knew that if she started looking systematically through the room she could only do two things, neither good: (1) mess stuff up (many's the time she sworn to me she will put things back the way they were, but between faulty memory and lack of effort it just never happens, and i'm left to do all the 'iatrogenic' fixing or rearranging), and (2) find something that she could use to cause a problem --

and yes, this is partly my fault too -- at some point last spring i was cleaning and rearranging, a partially but not totally successful project, and i ended up putting some 2002-03 early relationalproblem stuff in a box to be taken to the basement bin that i know i am the only one with a key to (i took the other key off the hook in the kitchen back in maybe 2004, so i have both keys on my keyring, which is always with me, and she's never mentioned not having a key; she can basically see in there, if she ever thinks of it, but to my knowledge she can't get in there, and it's never become an issue, either as 'where's the key and what's in there anyway?' or 'i do have a key and i found x y z in there') -- but i didn't end up taking the 02-03 box to the basement, because given that the rnl thing was over and j. was not searching my room when i was not around, i began to feel that, buried under several other full boxes, it was safe for now, and i could take it to the basement "some time" -- and of course i was so busy this past summer that "some time" never happened, or came close to happening --

in fact, since summertime my entire room is messier than i'd like it to be, basically with stuff that's either fallen on the floor by mistake and that i haven't taken (found?) the time to pick up, or else that's accumulated and i haven't dealt with (replied to, evaluated, tossed out, filed/stored, etc.) -- since august or so, there's been a two to four inch coating of papers over the whole floor that first started to accumulate in late june, when i got ambitious one day and piled stuff along the bed to file, but then never got back to -- and, between hundreds of (never very paperconcerned) dog movements, various windy days and storms, and dozens of occasions of me bumping things or deliberately dropping them with the intention of later attention that never eventuated, it's really grown to be quite a coating, which nearly every day gets a little more stepped on, but fortunately probably all still salvageable and sortable out -- "some time" --

but yesterday the 02-03 box got gone through, because it was down at the very bottom of a pile of three or four boxes whose top box had some summer 04 germany stuff that should also go to the basement, but at least did not contain anything personally identifying re rnl -- yes, it was stupid of me to take a chance on it, but when i left it down there j. was not in a searchy mode -- nor has she been all summer or fall when i've gone out --

so all i could do tonight was do my best at damage control, pointing out that the letters from fall 02 were drafts, all scrawly and not clear, and not identical to the final versions, and as for k. that she already knew about k. (i told her the very general basics of k. in late 04 or early 05) --

i'm really annoyed that she expects privacy when she obviously doesn't give me any -- and now things are all uncomfortable -- but this is partly my fault for giving her the possibility to do this -- though the primary fault is hers, of course, fwiw, for not listening to me and not leaving my stuff alone -- still i know she doesn't listen to me and has boundary problems, so...

a bit later, j.'s gone to bed quite early, 9ish, so --

G (10/2/2006 9:08:17 PM): around yet?
A (10/2/2006 9:14:21 PM): hello
A (10/2/2006 9:14:37 PM): i'm around
A (10/2/2006 9:14:53 PM): but not sure if you are
A (10/2/2006 9:15:20 PM): i sortof like
A (10/2/2006 9:15:24 PM): the way
A (10/2/2006 9:15:26 PM): the
A (10/2/2006 9:15:30 PM): words look
G (10/2/2006 9:15:30 PM): ha ha
G (10/2/2006 9:15:37 PM): very aesthetic
A (10/2/2006 9:15:41 PM): quite
G (10/2/2006 9:16:22 PM): ok
G (10/2/2006 9:16:24 PM): so
G (10/2/2006 9:16:28 PM): want phone?
G (10/2/2006 9:16:30 PM): yet?
G (10/2/2006 9:16:38 PM): so you can get to sleep for class [in the morning]
A (10/2/2006 9:16:41 PM): already?
G (10/2/2006 9:16:43 PM): maybe
G (10/2/2006 9:16:46 PM): lemme check
G (10/2/2006 9:16:47 PM): think so
G (10/2/2006 9:16:50 PM): brb
A (10/2/2006 9:30:34 PM): on phone with brother for the moment
G (10/2/2006 9:30:39 PM): ok
G (10/2/2006 9:30:43 PM): ping when callable
G (10/2/2006 9:30:46 PM): things are ok here [i've checked up the stairwell and j's definitely upstairs with the lights off; she often 'forgets' something and comes back down, so i often wait a good 15-20 minutes after she goes upstairs before placing a phone call, though that's not an absolute guarantee of her not coming back down... but after 930, when she's been gone nearly half an hour, i suspect she probably won't be back down tonight...]
G (10/2/2006 9:42:03 PM): yes?
A (10/2/2006 9:42:04 PM): :-D
G (10/2/2006 9:42:06 PM): ha ha
G (10/2/2006 9:42:09 PM): ok, one minute
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september and cumulative blogstats [Oct. 1st, 2006|10:54 pm]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Brittney Spears, "Dear Diary"]

i'm still doing the sept. entries about
fourplus/five weeks behind -- wording total
is coming down as i get into the fallrut,
and also try to give myself a chance to
catch up on backlogged entries -- and i'm
still thinking about ratcheting back to
maybe weekly entries after year's end...

and for some other comments about lj
so far, see the sunday writing writing
installment that also carries today's date


********

aggregate but rough blogstats for
the last twentyone full months, as
a gauge for myself of what i seem
to be generating here as i record my
present, and catch up gradually
on my accumulated past --


total to date: about 960 entries
posted in about 630 days, running
from 02 jan 05 till 31 aug 06 --
a little over one and a half
per day, on average, for 21 months --


monthly wording,
starting with 2005:

total blogwording, jan 2 - 31: 54600
(minus maybe ~30% copied rather
than customdrafted wording...)

feb 1 - 28: 40200
(minus ~35% wording from elsewhere)

mar 1 - apr 1: 49400
(minus ~30% wording from elsewhere)

apr 1 - apr 30: 31100
(minus maybe 10% wording from elsewhere)

may 1 - may 31: 25100
(omitting all of the 3 may old-im wording, i.e.,
the main bulk of may's not-newly-written wording)

jun 1 - jun 30: 23200
(but not much from elsewhere during this month?)

jul 1 - jul 31: 62200
(minus maybe about 30% wording from elsewhere)

aug 1 - aug 31: 56500
(minus relatively little wording from elsewhere)

sep 1 - sep 30: 53100
(minus relatively little wording from elsewhere)

oct 1 - oct 31: 47300
(minus some wording from others' emails and im's,
plus some copypasted blogthings here and there...)

nov 1 - nov 30: 61700
(very little wording from others, if memory serves)

dec 1 - dec 31: 78300
(very little wording from others, if memory serves)

2nd year:

jan 1 - jan 31: 119500
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

feb 1 - feb 28: 103500
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

mar 1 - mar 31: 60000
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???;
also, about 20000 is from the episode 6 document...)

apr 1 - apr 31: 52300
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20%???)

may 1 - may 31: 60100
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

jun 1 - jun 30: 68800
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20-25%???)

jul 1 - jul 31: 88600
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s; maybe 20%???)

aug 1 - aug 31: 149900
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s and emails; maybe 30 % this time???)

sep 1 - sep 31: 91400
(some from mine and others' i.m.'s and emails; maybe 30 % this time???)


total wording since 2 jan 05, but some percentage
(20something?) needs to be subtracted for wording
that was not written by me, for this journal...:

1376800
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brooklyn sunday [Oct. 1st, 2006|09:52 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |contemplativecontemplative]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Cab Calloway, "So Sweet"]

a. and i were thinking of meeting this afternoon, between her midmorning/latemorning weekly therapy appointment and her evening jewish holiday commitment -- at 908-910am we discuss her calling me after her therapy, about 11 -- that's the last we're on i.m. all day, b/c when i call her at 11 the idea is i should meet her, not at coney island or anything (which was one of her tentative ideas yesterday), but at her place -- i ask j. if she needs the car at all (she used it various times yesterday and might be reckoned to have gotten her chores done), and she says she doesn't, so then i give the story (can't recall it exactly, as i write this a month later): either that i'm meeting my college friend t. in brooklyn, where he lives, or that i have brooklyn shops -- i believe the former, though since my weekend absences became such an issue late last year i have deliberately never used him as a 'weekend time away' excuse, because when i did so in nov. and dec. 05 she ended up leaving him inquisitional voicemail and email early this year, and that's not fair to him -- but given that i've been around on weekend overnights since midjune (over a quarter of a year), i suppose it's ok this once, she won't make an issue of it, and we'll see how things look later on --

before i leave, j asks me again where the west germany guidebook is that she saw right after i got it in spring 04 while snooping through my old computer bag -- she started asking about it as soon as she booked her midnovember germany flight not so long ago -- but i know full well i bought that book for rnl and left it with her, the blue guide to west germany, soon after she signed up for the berlin summer program -- and i just don't have it -- last i saw it was when i was arranging rnl's books for her the one weekend i was in amherst, midjune 05, as she napped vegged and gamed -- god knows where it is now, possibly columbus oh, and if not then probably hillsboro nj or environs -- so the two prior times j's asked after the guidebook i tell her i'll look for it, that she'll never find it, and that it's really just not a dire emergency -- i'm hoping she'll stop bugging me for long enough, about something that is after all not timecritical, that i end up being able to order another new or used copy from amazon for maybe close to twenty bucks, just as i did in april or may 04 --

anyhow, early afternoon i depart in the car -- when i arrive, a. and i talk some, clean up some, and order and consume decent brooklyn sushi from our usual place -- she still has the a/c in and on, as i know from long experience is usually warm and only rarely cold -- she's already decided to hang with me till i leave, midevening, rather than going to her prior jewish holiday commitment, which she's already canceled before i arrive --

she acts very sweet, not pushy or manipulative -- and yes, i know it's not sweetmanipulative (cf. rnl sometimes; been there done that, can diagnose) -- but i am aware that she has a lot on her mind these days, postbirthday -- i can infer that from our concertpark talks on the 17th, two weeks ago today now -- stuff about her life, herself, relational stuff, etc. -- lots of things up in the air and in the process of being worried about --

and so what about her and my relationship?, i wonder on the dark but lowishtraffic car ride home, during the 8pm hour -- sometimes i suspect she really really loves me, thinks i am or might be the love of her life -- other days she acts more as if she thinks i am nice and fun and smart, but really maybe wrong for her longterm -- not jewish, would i be committed, how much do i really like her, etc. --

those and other problems, and they exist on each side, were there from nov. to jun. and really didn't substantially change by being left in abeyance all summer -- they just seem less immediate, given the passage of time and the inbetween status of things since late august --

but she is sweet -- i think she probably has the easiest-to-get-along-with personality of anybody i have interacted with closely since 2002 -- and that's not nothing -- she is thoughtful, kind, generous minded in her way -- slow to anger, pushy nearly never, likes me a lot --

and this barely begins an analysis -- but it isn't that long a car ride --

anyhow -- what traits does she really want in someone else and in herself, and how close are she and i to those criteria of hers for a major longterm s.o. relationship? -- and vice versa for me? i am her only actual bf since age twenty, and when we were first together i clearly recall that she talked several times of wanting to be married and in the process of trying to have children by age forty, a pretty tight timetable at 39 -- sometimes when people decide they need to be under a time constraint (and i'm not saying people never have valid reasons for their perception of such a constraint), they will find ways in their minds to see potential fulfillers of their criteria as being closer to what will make their deadline than they might in actuality be -- not that this is necessarily happening in this case, but one can't dismiss that possibility out of hand; one has to cautiously consider it, of course --

well, she is often slow to mull and act, so i needn't push anything to a head, and she seems unlikely to do the same --

once over the big bridge, i drive out quickly along the highway to get i.c. at the usual place, which is closing on the 15th for the season -- i call j. on the way, but she says she doesn't want to be picked up on the way, and doesn't want anything brought home for her -- she's been trying to lose weight lately; always commenting negatively on her weight and i don't respond (no good answer; and she's 5-10 and 150something) --

at home, she seems fine: no issues, no probing questions, no comments -- but attached to the couch, watching and trying to finish and return tomorrow a movie rented from netflix -- i fell asleep on my bed while waiting, maybe 1015 or a bit later, when it still wasn't over, never nightcalled a. -- but i did leave im's for her in the 6am and then again early in the 8am hour monday, for her to see when she gets up on her day off (y.k., and a public school holiday) --
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sunday writing writing 83: grinding it out [Oct. 1st, 2006|03:50 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |busyscribblingly scribal]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, M2M, "Dear Diary"]

one reason i started this journal was to see how disciplined i could really be about producing nonacademic writing -- having made it through 1-3/4 years now (21 months, seven quarters), one thing i can see is that i can produce lifedescribing wording, to schedule more or less -- yes, everyone gets behind on things sometimes -- but except for the h. period of mid/latesummer 06 when i was kept at email nearly every free moment, i have faithfully come up with maybe 2000 words a day that describe life activities, life thoughts --

and two years means there's comparison: any two years are somewhat similar and somewhat different -- maybe two years is a good for extensive daily entries --

ok, i'd like them to have more variety (though they do have some), but the pace of keeping up since jan 05 has meant that content, and concepts, and basic expression, usually absorb what time and energy there is -- there's not always time left for thinking up innovative angles or modes of phrasing -- it has to come somewhat as it comes -- but still, if i wrote (say) 1000 words a day (half the current rate), which would free up much more time for basic concepts and expression, i would in fact have daily time to devote to a wider and more thoughtful range of presentational modes, and a far wider array of content --

100 x 10,000 = 1,000,000; 101st at 10,101 = 1,010,101

~1000/day = ~1010 days = a little under three years

~500/ day = ~2020 days = five and a halfish years

well, keep slogging -- there's so much i've thought of or partly thought of, but haven't written down yet -- more here in future weeks, obviously --
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a.'s fortieth birthday [Sep. 30th, 2006|06:38 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |goodbeneficentminded]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Beatles, "Birthday"]

my day was not that eventful -- home all day, usual dogwalk, left bigtoe still hurts and worries me some, and a. is out of touch a fair amount, in the afternoon owing to bday doings -- so why not an entry that's more about her stuff than mine -- all that's here for me is firstofmonth finance passage, really --

in the interests of catching up, i'm not (as i usually do) handadding the emoticons back in to the im segments in today's entry --

A (9/30/2006 12:33:08 AM): it is official now, no room on the bus [for l-- from va. to come to nyc overnight for a weekend visit; see last evening's i.m. discussion]
A (9/30/2006 12:33:32 AM): i'm going to sleep [sic: bed], and perhaps to sleep in a bit
A (9/30/2006 12:33:39 AM): tty in the morning
G (9/30/2006 7:20:34 AM): hmm, strange about ringer, it woke me up as an alarm this morning -- maybe where it is, by the bed, it was out of range when you called -- we were having some signal trouble during the call last night
G (9/30/2006 7:20:40 AM): up now, ttyl
G (9/30/2006 7:20:55 AM): you should get up and clean anyway, you'll feel more constructive
A (9/30/2006 7:33:17 AM): good morning
A (9/30/2006 7:34:30 AM): i can't believe the first thing i read from you this mornings is "get up and clean anyway, you'll feel more constructive." harumph!
A (9/30/2006 7:35:07 AM): bet you are in the kitchen making/drinking coffee
A (9/30/2006 7:45:44 AM): i'm crawling back into bed with a book for a little bit
A (9/30/2006 7:45:53 AM): before i get up to be constructive and clean
A (9/30/2006 7:46:02 AM): ttys
G (9/30/2006 8:47:57 AM): yep, didn't figure you to be up 7something, the whole idea of you wanting to know for sure he wasn't coming was that you wouldm't have to be up that early

meanwhile, t. emails exactly 8am saturday to say that, what with classes and the health crisis of a friend in newengland, he hasn't sent my cv along yet, but will do so first thing monday -- i email back 209pm to say np, not a crisis -- no point in worrying yet, and he's doing me a favor -- (yet another 'nonhappening' aspect of my day) --

848-905, finally a. and i are on im at same time -- discussing her plans for her bday weekend (dress to wear to her dinner this evening with her brother), possible plans for her and me (my bday next weekend), and whether or not l-- will come next weekend, and also about the story of o, which she ordered from amazon and started in bed this morning -- then i have to go on dogwalk --

G (9/30/2006 10:44:54 AM): ok, decided to go four miles around the park, probably good exercise, home again now

morning: set up earlymonth c/c payments, making sure my old spring 2004 b.o.a. interest bearing account is zeroed out -- weeks ago i made a 10 dollar payment to zero it out when it had already scheduled a 10-dollar autodeduct itself, so for awhile i ended up 10 ahead there ('credit' rather than owing), but now back to zero again -- and now that my directdeposit paycheck went into my checking account on friday, b/c the first falls on the weekend, i pay j her 450, and set up a minimum payment on my current chase c/c -- which i now see has finally become interest bearing (out of about 100 min. payment, about 70 is interest, only 30 principal -- gotta get a new c/c, i think, with zero balance, and transfer everything there -- )

the 450 is an important point -- she calculated 475 on a slip in midsept and i paid her that for the installment due at that point, but later i looked carefully at the slip and it turned out that to calculate my twicemonthly share she was calculating half of my half of the rent and some expenses, but for other other small expenses (gas, elec., etc.), further down the column, she lost track and was calculating half the month's expense for me to therefore pay twice a month -- recalculating, i realize i should really be paying 450, which only makes sense, because i was paying that in the spring and summer too, ever since the last time we did a division calc, and things couldn't have gone up that much that quickly -- when we started dividing things, in mid04 (near the end of the rnl onset era), it was 390, carefully calculated by both of us together, paid twice monthly -- i get paid twicemonthly, and since she gets paid monthly she tends to rely on my midmonth cash infusion to get her through till the end of the month -- now, how could we have gone from 390 to 475 in barely two years? -- that's over 20%, and none of the expenses have gone up 20% or anything like it -- rent, by far the largest portion, has maybe gone up 3-5% a year (she gets the notice and pays the rent, just as she always did when she was handling all of both our money) --

well, the answer is that she likes to buy stuff and is always short on cash and uses credit, hoping to make a sizable c/c payment each first of the month, but often not making a payment equal to her charges from the prior month (starbucks, clothing, groceries, drugstore: everything goes on the c/c -- she hardly uses cash any more) -- she must be 15-20K into credit at this point (i'm under 5000, basically what she left on me in 04 when we split the money and she unilaterally stopped paying me back for the 4000 or so i let her put on my first, zeropercent introductoryrate b.o.a. c/c, the one she asked me to get as the first step in the moneyslpit) -- j. came from an unstable homelife, both with her mother/grandmother before age 10, and from age 10 on with her aunt (who was socially stable but didn't really want her there) -- so j associates having stuff and buying stuff with stability and comfort and selfworth -- years ago she talked of such childhood moments as annoying the butcher near her aunt's by buying quarterpound steaks on the way home from school many days and then pancooking them and eating them before anyone else got home; hiding food under her bed; loving to look at pictures of clothes in catalogues to escape into an imagined world in which those things were happy props; dreaming happily about walking through houses to be acquired -- so she is always looking for more money to control, to give her the ability to consume or possess more; it gives her a sense of control and comfort -- a very common modern syndrome -- and then every year or two she fills two, three, four large kitchen garbage bags with clothes she's almost never worn and calls a church that flyers for such donations, leaving them labeled on the porch for pickup --

and me, here on quarterday (when rent installments were due, in slowerpaced olden rural times): i am left to mull my own stuff -- i know what i want to do and spend my time on, and money cannot buy it -- i can only do it in my head and out of my own personal conceptual resources -- money to me is something i need, to the extent of being able to survive and do that, but what with the vagaries of academia, i am not sure i will ever get there, here -- they want more from you in time than they give you in money, and are blithely happy about taking time and energy while giving almost nothing -- i can get by for now, but it is not where i want to be, and how do i get there? -- maybe online teaching is an avenue; i trust t.'ll take care of moving my cv along soon, as he said --

meantime, i transfer 450 to j. and am worried, whenever i think of it -- worried that she'll call me on it not being 475, and then i'll have to go over the math with her and she'll be all pissed (i'd thought of bringing it up with her before getting to today, but know it'll lead to a problem, so here i am just making the change and wondering what'll happen) -- fearing anger, and especially feminine anger in a personal or domestic context: that's one thing i learned from 2003 therapy -- that i was always worried about my mother's disapproval, can recall as a child searching her face for signs of it -- because she came from a family with an alcoholic but jobfunctional father and worried mother, and hence always tended somewhat toward anxiousness -- and i am always sensitive to that in women (probably in people in general, but my personal life has been with women, of course, and my mother is one) --

anyway, as for j. often getting frothmouthed (sometimes literally) over money: where people's emotional energy goes, that's where you know their hearts and minds really are -- i mentally cross my fingers and hope for the best --


[...]
G (9/30/2006 11:14:04 AM): today is your free day
G (9/30/2006 11:14:10 AM): sun and mon are busier [with yom kippur type stuff]
A (9/30/2006 11:14:37 AM): right! i'm going to go back to the couch to chill out for a few more before returning to the kitchen
G (9/30/2006 11:14:53 AM): k, i'll, be around for awhile definitely
G (9/30/2006 11:15:00 AM): i'll let you know if i'm away
A (9/30/2006 11:15:06 AM): ok, ttys
G (9/30/2006 11:15:10 AM): yep bfn
G (9/30/2006 1:39:15 PM): k, i'm still around fwiw
G (9/30/2006 1:39:19 PM): ttyl
G (9/30/2006 2:50:07 PM): i bet she fell asleep
A (9/30/2006 3:21:05 PM): hello!!!
G (9/30/2006 3:22:50 PM): was worried a little you fell down the well and we'd have to send lassie to find you
A (9/30/2006 3:23:01 PM): hello
G (9/30/2006 3:23:09 PM): ?
G (9/30/2006 3:23:13 PM): yes?
A (9/30/2006 3:23:18 PM): oh, sorry
A (9/30/2006 3:23:26 PM): i thought my screen was messed up
A (9/30/2006 3:23:29 PM): it was just me
A (9/30/2006 3:23:38 PM): scroll down, a--- [her own name]
G (9/30/2006 3:23:55 PM): maybe you have several different im windows all unanswered
A (9/30/2006 3:24:00 PM): you were going to send lassie, so very cool of you
G (9/30/2006 3:24:06 PM): keep saying hello till you cover all bases
A (9/30/2006 3:24:09 PM): no, i'm only IMing with you
G (9/30/2006 3:24:11 PM): uh huh
G (9/30/2006 3:24:13 PM): teasing
A (9/30/2006 3:24:17 PM): i know
A (9/30/2006 3:24:24 PM): got your [e-]card! cute
A (9/30/2006 3:24:29 PM): you are funny
G (9/30/2006 3:24:35 PM): yeah, 99% were schlocky
A (9/30/2006 3:24:35 PM): thanks
G (9/30/2006 3:24:40 PM): funny???
G (9/30/2006 3:24:44 PM): which part?
A (9/30/2006 3:25:07 PM): well, you found a rosh hashana card on torahtots and appropriated it for my birthday
G (9/30/2006 3:25:13 PM): yep
G (9/30/2006 3:25:39 PM): i searched for 'cards no music', and there was a button on the torahtots site to select no music, so it came near the top [of my search results]
G (9/30/2006 3:25:55 PM): wtf
G (9/30/2006 3:26:07 PM): and you count as sweet, right? [the e-card was on a 'sweet' theme]
G (9/30/2006 3:26:12 PM): and that's ok for a bday right?
G (9/30/2006 3:26:27 PM): so better than the actual bday cards with casio drum machine music
G (9/30/2006 3:26:31 PM): cheeserrific
G (9/30/2006 3:26:48 PM): boom chuck boom chuck
A (9/30/2006 3:26:48 PM): i'll take sweet from you any day
G (9/30/2006 3:26:52 PM): ok vg
G (9/30/2006 3:26:56 PM): figured that would work
G (9/30/2006 3:27:14 PM): fit the bill
A (9/30/2006 3:27:22 PM): and damn, i was going to get you a casio drum machine keyboard combo for your birthday [a week from monday], oh well
G (9/30/2006 3:27:32 PM): good thing i said something
A (9/30/2006 3:27:55 PM): it is, i'll email buy.com right now and cancel the order
G (9/30/2006 3:28:02 PM): ok sounds good
G (9/30/2006 3:28:10 PM): when do you have to leave for bro[ther] apptmt
A (9/30/2006 3:28:16 PM): about an hour
A (9/30/2006 3:28:19 PM): i'm showered
A (9/30/2006 3:28:23 PM): but haven't a clue what to wear
G (9/30/2006 3:28:25 PM): and you have already decided what to wear?
G (9/30/2006 3:28:28 PM): ha ha
G (9/30/2006 3:28:29 PM): timing
A (9/30/2006 3:28:29 PM): you know how that can be for me
A (9/30/2006 3:28:36 PM): quite the timing
A (9/30/2006 3:28:44 PM): and clearly, you really really really do know
G (9/30/2006 3:28:48 PM): i knew you would be in a tizzy about clothes
G (9/30/2006 3:29:09 PM): you will be stomping your foot and dashing things to the ground about 5 mins before you leave
A (9/30/2006 3:29:34 PM): i'd like to avoid that
G (9/30/2006 3:29:44 PM): and the skirt is behind the couch (helpful hint) [this refers to passover dinner in the spring, when j. was in fla., and i was at a.'s place when a. got annoyed while getting dressed, because she couldn't find the skirt she'd laid out the prior day -- and months later it turned out to have slipped behind the couch, where she'd never spotted it in all the weeks it was there -- i think i may actually have spotted it while cleaning up some]
A (9/30/2006 3:29:48 PM): but really haven't anything to wear
G (9/30/2006 3:29:56 PM): you have closets of stuff
G (9/30/2006 3:30:00 PM): but you don't like them
A (9/30/2006 3:30:06 PM): well, right now i have a floor full of stuff
G (9/30/2006 3:30:14 PM): it's your brother
G (9/30/2006 3:30:22 PM): duh
A (9/30/2006 3:30:42 PM): you have no idea my need to look nice when with my brother [he's an investment advisor with a big nyc firm, appears on tv sometimes, is the most financially successful of the three siblings, and is taking a. out for dinner on her bday]
G (9/30/2006 3:31:23 PM): well, so wear something nice
G (9/30/2006 3:31:51 PM): you have skirts and things that would work, yes?
G (9/30/2006 3:31:54 PM): of course you do
G (9/30/2006 3:32:05 PM): pick something nice and then stop secondguessing yourself


then, after a considerable break:

A (9/30/2006 4:19:46 PM): amazingly enough i've gotten myself dressed
G (9/30/2006 4:20:16 PM): a triumph of the human spirit
A (9/30/2006 4:20:26 PM): don't you know it
A (9/30/2006 4:20:35 PM): it was dicey for a little while there
G (9/30/2006 4:20:35 PM): yep that's why i said it
A (9/30/2006 4:20:52 PM): wasn't sure if it was a tongue in cheek comment
G (9/30/2006 4:20:59 PM): that was 45 mins you know
A (9/30/2006 4:21:15 PM): there was a dad/[dad's second wife] phone call in there
G (9/30/2006 4:21:16 PM): it wasn't and it was????
A (9/30/2006 4:21:21 PM): so subtract 10
G (9/30/2006 4:21:21 PM): np

at 426 she leaves the kb to meet him at an italian restaurant at/near houston street at 530 -- by the time she gets home near 11 i've conked out --

A (9/30/2006 10:55:24 PM): hello! home now from dinner with my brother - had a fun night
A (9/30/2006 11:00:09 PM): tty in the morning
A (9/30/2006 11:45:24 PM): just checking to see if you were around
A (9/30/2006 11:45:46 PM): but you are still idle [yahoo im shows me idle; at this time of night, she knows that means i'm asleep]
A (9/30/2006 11:45:56 PM): i'm uploading a cd
A (9/30/2006 11:46:00 PM): and then it is off to bed
linkpost comment

correspondence problems, email; relational discussions, i.m. [Sep. 29th, 2006|09:38 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahdancing the dance as always...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Kina, "Give and Take"]

ditto opening comments from yesterday's entry --

dogwalk deviances: as i take the dog out ahead of the everslow j. (i can get him to pee before she leaves, saving some seconds), rain is falling softly, just at the point where an umbrella is not totally necessary but not unnecessary either -- having forgotten to grab an umbrella on the way out, i carefully head across the trafficky street with him in tow (or, given that he's pulling, vice versa) -- then, down a couple dozen feet toward the corner, which is where i now tend to leave the car after the paper run -- because i turn right at this corner, parking the car on the turn side and way down by the corner means i don't have to fight my way across the traffic here, which tends either to be solidly lined up at the light when it's red, or racing through at fortyplus mph to make the light when it's green -- i can just start the car up and then roll it gently forward a few feet, on the downslope (usually with a slight engine pulse assist), to the actual corner, all while checking that no one near or beside me is signalling right -- then, as the light changes, i carefully turn right while watching leftward for dopes who sit in the middle and don't signal right but then turn right anyway --

but right now i want to get an umbrella off the back seat (i keep two or three there in case of need) -- as i pokcetfish for the key and then unlock the front passengerside door and reach in, down, and back, to unlock the rear door for access, the dog is pulling wildly toward the stone dwarf wall along the corner property -- within a few moments i realize, from a rustling in the underbrush plus the dog's excitement, that there's a raccoon or possum or something right on the other side of the wall near the canalized creek -- and that the two nonhuman animals here are totally aware of each other's presence -- meanwhile, of course, as i struggle to get him back under control, with jerks and sounds, naturally a yellowbus full of schoolkids is stopped at the red light and get some momentary diversion from the scene and scenario -- and as i relock the car and head back up the street toward the coffeeplace, i realize j. has been out for part of a minute, and is only slightly annoyed that she couldn't find me immediately -- she's waiting by the minor corner across the street from the house, where he often pees upon leaving the house in the morning --

office, correspondence:

been out of touch with k. in manhattan -- her sister's having surgery this week, so she's been out of touch -- i touch base with her and she writes back to update briefly and say have a nice weekend, i reciprocate the same -- do i want these interactions or not? am i just stubborn about trying to make something work out? i always want things to be nice, never want to admit failure -- no, no, i do get things out of these conversations, learn things from them --

about the fuckedup flower delivery, my email 918am:

Hi -- Sorry to be a pest about this, but the order you shipped Monday
evening to be delivered by UPS Tuesday did not get delivered till
Thursday evening. The recipient vased them and watered them and gave
them several hours of rest to see how they would look, and this morning
she wrote this [from a.'s early-fri. im bits left for me]--

"now that the flowers have had some time to recuperate and drink i can
see that some are drooping already, so their trial with UPS was pretty
hard on them. soooooo. . . yes, you didn't quite get your
money's worth. while some of them look great - between the browning
leaves and leaves falling off and drooping flowers, they aren't really
quite what they should have been"

You mention in your email the possibility of a replacement bouquet. Is
that possible? If so, when could it be delivered? The recipient's
birthday is Sat the 30th, which is why I chose Tuesday delivery, so she
would have them in the days leading up to her birthday. If you are going
to ship a replacement and would plan to deliver it on Fri (today) or
Sat, you can use the same delivery info as before. Please let me know
how things stand. Thanks and regards, [firstname lastname]

they write me back in the afternoon to ask for delivery info, so i give them the same delivery info again as on the first attempt, and add that u.p.s. should leave it by her door or with the super in his apt -- by 1230am saturday they are writing to say that it'll be delivered next thursday, which is past her bday (the 30th), but at least she has the first batch for over the weekend, even if it's not pristine and wasn't when it arrived --

925am, still about the phone overages from the early 20s of this month:

Hi -- Please reread my Weds. message, [incorporated] below. I was asking about the 40
cents per minute charge I pay, beyond 300 minutes a month, presumably
from my now-expired 2/2004 to 2/2006 contract, and was comparing it to
your current [website-advertised] offers of 16 to 20 cents a minute for overages. Since I am
not on-contract any more, and got charged a large overage for two
inside-sprint calls at the end of my last billing cycle, I am
researching service options with Sprint and other providers, and find
myself wondering why I am on a 40-cents/minute overage plan, when you no
longer offer such a plan on your website at all, that I saw. Please clarify.
Regards, [firstname lastname]


haven't heard from t. in a fortnight or more, so i write him this, 1016am:

Hi, T. -- Just touching base -- We've both been busy with our Septs.,
sans doute, and the month's gone now! Re me online teaching, the ball's
in [online teaching company]'s court for the moment and probably not your issue
at all, but just so you know, I'm waiting to hear from them when they get in touch
-- I also recall, from when we met the first Friday afternoon in Sept,
that you mentioned us maybe getting together in Brooklyn or something on
the weekend, maybe late Sept -- I'm assuming by now that we're not
talking the upcoming weekend??? -- So maybe some weekend in the first
half of Oct -- Hope all's going well with you, and whatever the personal
thing is that you were mentioning, back around the time I sent the CV,
worked out ok and was/is not too much of a problem -- Bye for now, l/g

11ish class: portrait, rest of chap. 2 down till near the end (i.e., early in the initiation into sexuality passage, after he's feeling totally alienated from peers (who beat him up about byron) and family --

foodless lunchtime: email and lj catchup, as usual

130ish class: most of episode 5, down to where he runs into lyons wanting to borrow paper -- i've gotten pretty fast at doing 5, b/c it's shortish and i can generalize about and skip over the stop-in-church part -- students in both classes wish me a good weekend on the way out, but i can never take any solid joy, even momentary joy, in that, knowing after all full well that they make calculations about being on my goodside coming grading time -- yet i don't feel bad about them offering sinceresounding niceties -- they do think i am nice and smart and talk about relevant as opposed to irrelevant stuff in literature -- but still, i just can't let myself take a seeming positive at face value when i know there are so many cynical but quite possibly accurate reasons for it being manipulative, and to at least that extent insincere --

after class, i go back downstairs to the classprep room to type some -- as i come out of classtrance (long offstage time begins! woohoo...) i notice that i've managed to brush or wipe chalkdust all over my pants and shirt -- there was no eraser in the room where my second class was, and all the other rooms had students and profs and no visible extra eraser, so two or three times during class i wiped the board with my hands, jokingly, while seriously leaving myself with a lot more manual chalk residue than i get from using an actual eraser -- brasil is a catholic country, maybe they'd do well here with that brasilian proverb: quem não tem cão caça com gato; he who doesn't have a dog hunts with a cat -- i.e., we often have to muddlingly make do somehow with an utterly nonideal situation --

anyhow, settling in downstairs posclass, i catch totally up on email and at least a bit more on lj entires -- i hardly notice time passing -- guard goes by, i glance at watch, near 330, a good hourplus after my class ends -- there are very few classes past 3pm, good time to check how things are, and the dayshift is something like 7 to 3 so this is most likely a pass made right after the evening shift comes on board -- just as the overnight (presumably 11-7) shift seems to make a pass through all the buildings around 630, as i noticed when in so early reading comp papers one day a week in fall 05 --

way home, kf: their lossleaders ('weekly specials,' quoth the circular) run from fri to thur, so i check for what's new today by flipping through the cicular from near the fron door, but mainly by doing a walkthrough of the places i usually get things, looking for hanging yell shelftags with black print: in the first, fruitvegetable aisle, there's 99 cent broccoli (i get three; they're good to steam and eat with a bit of olive oil; they often cost 1.99), along the far back dairywall two two-for$5 storebrand shredded mozzarella (i'll make pizzas), and in the low open freezercase near the front häagen-dasz is onsale this week two for $5, so i get one (light caramel cone, "1/2 the fat all the taste!") -- total 10.47, 3:56pm --

home and, as usual with these things, before even putting the rest of the groceries away i proceed to my treat -- i grab the tv control from its dogsafe storage drawer right beneath the tv, and then flop onto the end of the couch nearest the kitchen and turn on the tv weather for a few minutes while consuming, with concentration and a tablespoon, the entire pint -- already in the kitchen i'd checked for degree of hardness after unlidding it, then zapped it at 20% for a minute (sometimes it needs it, sometimes it doesn't, depending on higher or lower displaycase placement and, presumably, longer or shorter residence in the case) -- as i eat i check the nutribox atmore leisure and with more privacy than i have instore -- less fat, yes, but as i discerened in the store, and have noticed with other products, lowfat usually means actually more sugar and hence more carb (they have to replace the missing fat with something palatable): 37g x 4 servings in this case (who eats a quarter of this, come fucking on) -- and 250 cals x 4 -- well, this is my main food for today, and i really ought to eat it in two servings kept 4-8 hours apart, but i am not going to do that -- ingredients, in descending order of constituence: skim milk (ok, lowfat, we get it), sugar, corn syrup (i.e., sticky liquid sugar), cream (um, why bother with skim milk?you guys hoping people will stop reading after seeing skim milk?), caramel (which is heatprocessed sugar, ok), and on and on -- well, ok, we get it, nearly 150g of carb in this little thing, gone in five minutes or so --

but i am not going to deny myself or the dog, because as soon as he sees i have food he starts dancing and bowing his chest to the ground, fawning, running in circles -- first he takes a few rapid spins totally around the couch (which is not against a wall), and then he makes several passes along the top of the couchback, behind my head, finally pausing and standing with his nose by my face as i continue to eat -- eventually he calms down to a dull roar and goes into his sitsettle foodwaiting mode beside me, knowing that when i finish he will get to chew the carton into small shreds and lick every last bit of sugar protein and fat off it that he wants -- he watches with bright but deep brown eyes, hoping and mostlytrusting that he will be treated as subordinate member of the pack and given what's left after the aplha foodprocurer is sated -- nice brown tan yellow white colorscheme on the carton, i note as he begins eviscerating it -- rouse yourself, click off the tv, control back into the safedrawer, and on into your den or lair with you, alpha foodprovider or great white hunter, or is that hope, or whatever...

437pm email from j. giving ticket/itinerary data: she has decided to go to germany and has bought the ticket through expedia -- her cousin in michigan works for a scientific company in sales or the like, and they are sending her to frankfurt for a week -- which means j. would get free hotel and could tour around or take daytrips by rail on her own during the day -- and meanwhile, the airfare is like 450 r/t during the offseason --

700pm exactly, sprint is back again with more pointless nonresponse --

Dear Mr. [lastname].

Thank you for your reply regarding clarification of your $0.40/minute
overage plan. I would be happy to help you in this matter.

If you were choose a plan when you sign up with us and it expires before
you contract runs out, we keep you on the plan that you chose for your
benefit.

If you have a plan in mind that you would like added to your account or
have any further questions regarding plans please let me know. I would
be happy to help you in any way I can.

Thank you for contacting Sprint and have a great day!

Kyle D.
Business E-Care
Sprint together with Nextel
"Where our customers come first!"

are these people insane? have to write them again... not now...

i'm on i.m. with a. from 423-707pm, basically without a break -- since she has the jewish holiday off at public school monday, she has a threeday weekend starting this afternoon --

the first quarter hour, it's about her being out of work early, having a long weekend, maybe going to shul monday but not the hardcore allday thing, about the flowers and her worrying that u.p.s. might get in trouble, about getting a card from her mom and opening it without pausing to think it would be a card and she should wait --

the second quarter hour (starting 437pm), it's about her resting this evening so she can get more out of the weekend, and following up about us possibly meeting midday and afternoon sunday between two appointments she has -- she might go to coney island and do tashlich, which i haven't heard of before, so she explains a bit and i go do some research myself while talking, sending her bits --

the third quarter hour (starting 452pm), we talk about phonetics with respect to ch-vs.-k in spelling tashlich, then she is talking about what she is doing tonight (beer and home movie?), and i tease her about saying she is in a good mood --

fourth quarter hour (starting 506pm), i am teasing her about supposedly being in a good mood and then about being difficult, then about renting beer, and then i ask her how many times she's pleasured herself this week, so we analyze that for a bit, and then she tells me about watching some things on playboy tv and what she likes and doesn't like about that (doesn't like the fakeseeming parts) -- so that leads to this, me asking about l--, whose visit in late august precipitated the most recent relational readjustment between a. and me --

G (9/29/2006 5:21:20 PM): so speaking of perving out, have you been able to show your face to l-- on im now that you mailed that box last weekend?
A (9/29/2006 5:21:29 PM): oh my g-d
A (9/29/2006 5:21:38 PM): do you like have my computer bugged or something?
A (9/29/2006 5:21:45 PM): how do you do this?
G (9/29/2006 5:21:55 PM): i just figured that now that you mailed it you would not be avoiding him any more
G (9/29/2006 5:21:56 PM): :-)
A (9/29/2006 5:22:04 PM): unfuckingbelievable
G (9/29/2006 5:22:07 PM): human insight
G (9/29/2006 5:22:20 PM): you hadn't talked to him in a month b/c of the box
G (9/29/2006 5:22:27 PM): you mailed the box, you stopped avoiding him
G (9/29/2006 5:22:30 PM): interactions 101
G (9/29/2006 5:22:57 PM): i think about things a lot
A (9/29/2006 5:22:59 PM): i just today changed my IM stealth mode so he could see me - right before i IMd you
A (9/29/2006 5:23:00 PM): AND
G (9/29/2006 5:23:03 PM): i have thought about people a lot
A (9/29/2006 5:23:09 PM): the second you asked that question
G (9/29/2006 5:23:11 PM): he's on with you now
A (9/29/2006 5:23:16 PM): he IMd me to say hello
GD (9/29/2006 5:23:25 PM): i am psychic, j always says that
G (9/29/2006 5:24:01 PM): i just think i notice things and figure them out, so a lot of times it will seem weird that i am on target, smart, plus lucky sometimes = pyschic sometimes
G (9/29/2006 5:24:17 PM): hm?
A (9/29/2006 5:24:19 PM): hey hey
A (9/29/2006 5:24:25 PM): you may be psychic
A (9/29/2006 5:24:33 PM): but i think you are just really perceptive
G (9/29/2006 5:24:41 PM): dunno, i'll settle for notice and thinks :-P
A (9/29/2006 5:24:55 PM): i think it is amazing
G (9/29/2006 5:25:01 PM): so how's l--
A (9/29/2006 5:25:02 PM): and find it quite appealing
G (9/29/2006 5:25:06 PM): ty
G (9/29/2006 5:25:19 PM): tell him you are getting horny for him again, when is he visiting :-P
A (9/29/2006 5:25:26 PM): you are too much
G (9/29/2006 5:25:31 PM): ha ha ha
G (9/29/2006 5:26:02 PM): i didn't think you were online with him that minute, figured maybe sometime midweek after box arrived
G (9/29/2006 5:26:10 PM): or lateweek

so the fifth quarter hour (starting 526pm), she talks about lee thinking of coming up again, and about l-- and m-- and the purchase and use of 420 -- there is some slower talk b/c i am doing other kb stuff while she chats with him -- i'm letting him spell me O:-) --

then the sixth quarter hour (starting 539pm), it turns out he is talking of coming up to nyc for this very weekend, would be here in the morning very early -- i tease her about telling me about all this (after all, i have bugged her about wanting to have a threesome, the prospect of which i think both frightens and excites her) --

A (9/29/2006 5:44:50 PM): you are so enjoying this
G (9/29/2006 5:44:55 PM): i should
G (9/29/2006 5:44:58 PM): :-)
A (9/29/2006 5:45:06 PM): true, you should
A (9/29/2006 5:47:28 PM): now we are on sex
A (9/29/2006 5:47:39 PM): should i be telling you this?
G (9/29/2006 5:48:36 PM): yes
G (9/29/2006 5:48:38 PM): of course
G (9/29/2006 5:48:45 PM): you enjoy it too you little perv
G (9/29/2006 5:49:02 PM): perv perv perv perv
G (9/29/2006 5:49:18 PM): did you tell him i had to finish his job for him
G (9/29/2006 5:49:28 PM): with free bonus fisting
A (9/29/2006 5:49:41 PM): NO!
G (9/29/2006 5:49:50 PM): well you should O:-)
G (9/29/2006 5:49:57 PM): that would be fun O:-)
A (9/29/2006 5:50:05 PM): no it so would not
G (9/29/2006 5:50:10 PM): tell him you are subby and i made you
G (9/29/2006 5:50:16 PM): that would work
G (9/29/2006 5:50:17 PM): :-P
G (9/29/2006 5:50:43 PM): it would make you feel very alive :-)
A (9/29/2006 5:50:49 PM): that would work if you dommed me more
G (9/29/2006 5:50:49 PM): drama
G (9/29/2006 5:51:02 PM): i am too subtly dommy for you
G (9/29/2006 5:51:05 PM): ha ha ha
A (9/29/2006 5:51:10 PM): is that what it is?
G (9/29/2006 5:51:14 PM): yep
G (9/29/2006 5:51:21 PM): that's why the attraction :-P
A (9/29/2006 5:51:29 PM): oh shut up
G (9/29/2006 5:51:32 PM): but your conscious mind doesn't get it
G (9/29/2006 5:51:33 PM): ha ha
A (9/29/2006 5:51:38 PM): ah, i see
G (9/29/2006 5:51:44 PM): so told him yet?
A (9/29/2006 5:51:44 PM): so that's why i keep coming back to you
A (9/29/2006 5:51:52 PM): sortof "seben crudele"
G (9/29/2006 5:51:56 PM): uh huh
G (9/29/2006 5:52:05 PM): and i am so mean after all

seventh quarter hour (starting 552pm), partly i am teasing her about what may happen between the two of them if he arrives in the morning, and partly we are having a discussion of what subby and dommy are (my theory that subby people select to make into doms people they think will 'make' them do what they want to do anyway) -- i accuse selfdenominated subby people of wanting to do things without having responsibility, hence the long trip round the barn to get someone to 'make' them do what they actually want to do in the first place -- she seems surprised and interested by this analysis -- anyhow, there's a tacit understanding of maybe sex if he comes, and of a birthday spanking -- i say no one's using my meterstick without my permission unless i'm there --

eighth quarter hour (starting 607pm), i tease her about not being willing to broach a threesome idea with l--, call her chicken, and tell her i was hinting at that just a few minutes before, ask if her there was reading comprehension on the version of the sat she took -- she tells me to be less subtle and accuses me of wanting her to misunderstand -- i respond that being totally blatant all the time is condescending -- i call her chicken and she says she was about to do the same and calls me psychic -- finally she admits that her real concern is not just possibly getting rejected somehow (doesn't seem likely) but handling the situation well and keeping everyone happy in the same room -- when i say it's not a problem, i am easygoing in my way, she starts to guffaw at 'in my way' --

ninth quarter hour (starting 625pm), i bug her about calling him and seeing what she can work out, but then she gets to this --


A (9/29/2006 6:30:26 PM): greg, i don't think i want to ask [him about a threesome]
G (9/29/2006 6:30:31 PM): b/c?
A (9/29/2006 6:31:06 PM): because i like things separate
A (9/29/2006 6:31:10 PM): the fantasy is very cool
G (9/29/2006 6:31:13 PM): and why separate?
A (9/29/2006 6:31:19 PM): and i'd probably be inclined to do it
G (9/29/2006 6:31:21 PM): advantages?
A (9/29/2006 6:31:30 PM): with you and someone who i don't really know or care about
A (9/29/2006 6:31:49 PM): some of it has to do with how i feel about you
A (9/29/2006 6:32:01 PM): and how i feel (differently, much) about him
A (9/29/2006 6:32:12 PM): and it gets all weird emotionally
A (9/29/2006 6:32:31 PM): because i think i'd feel like i was cheating
G (9/29/2006 6:32:39 PM): with me there????
A (9/29/2006 6:32:43 PM): uh huh
G (9/29/2006 6:32:46 PM): um
G (9/29/2006 6:32:50 PM): that's nuts
A (9/29/2006 6:32:59 PM): i'm laughing
A (9/29/2006 6:33:03 PM): and i gotta get water
G (9/29/2006 6:33:05 PM): k


tenth quarter hour (starting 639pm), she's suddenly asking me if h. knows about lj, and i say yes, and that she told me to write whatever i wanted to about her in it, 'it's your journal and your life' -- she thinks h. is a sore subject and accuses me of only wanting the ones i can't have -- i reply that i had a lot to say in lj about what i thought her problems were and the impediments to a relationship there, pointing out that a's just told me she hasn't done more than scroll quickly though the august stuff, leery to see things that might upset her -- i also suggest she is trying to change the subject away from l-- etc. -- she says she does feel weird about the h. thing because of the intellectual intimacy -- "and my previous comments aren't helping my argument" -- i tell her to try to explain why the l-- thing doesn't work for her -- she says she need to mull, and i reply i am patient and can wait --

eleventh quarter hour (starting 653pm): she's not replying, i poke and tease after some minutes -- i say i should shut up, i'm distracting her; she says she's said all she can think of, and besides she's cold and hungry; she says she's worried about disappointing me -- she says we'll talk later, she leaves her kb 707pm --

she's back again later in the 7pm and 9pm hours, but by the time she leaves her final bits, 1139-41, i'm obviously already asleep: message being that, after all that, he is on standby for bus tickets (they were sold out), probably isn't coming at all, after all --
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thursday's child has far to go... [Sep. 28th, 2006|09:37 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahblah]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead Vassy "Wanna Fly" (from Ugly Betty pilot)]

usual morningprep and dogwalky and 'thisterm noclass morning' stuff, except for the fact that i needed to make three paperstops for some reason -- 620 (it was not at biddystore yet), then 650 (still not there), then (650ish) up to the place on main street that i think always gets it first (is there bribery? is it busniess favoritism based on who takes or sells the most copies???) -- is it something rational, who gets the papers first, or some typical gothamy scam?? -- as i arrive home, i notice thwe adopted across-street former foster child waiting for her bus -- she seems to get picked up soon after seven, and in recent weeks i've occasionally noticed the more feminine of the two gay guys next door either leaving the house or standing at the bus stop when i'm leaving for or coming back with the paper -- we've never been close enough that he's necessarily seen me or hi'ed me, but i think he and b.f. are pals-y and he maybe have absorbed some hatred for me from her, who the fuck knows...

anyhow, was so tired i didn't make draft lj entries in note form, or even any paperjottings, for the latter part of this week, so as i come to write this up at the beginning of november i'm left with email, im, and any bits of othergenerated paper (e.g., receipts) from the date -- getting fourplus weeks behind on lj in mid and late summer due to h. really does mean a different perspective on days, and on experience -- more presence of some things (because more archived or more easily reconstructed or intuited from a distance of several weeks), and for others less or no presence (i.e., absence :-) )...

decide to stay home all day, not go up to the office -- it's been tough finding an open room after 1045am on tu-th, anyhow -- i have aac on, mostly reduced and ignoring it, but late in the afternoon i see one of the chattiest guys on the site (midtwenties, hispanic, west texas, works in i.t. it seems, drinks beer and chats whenever awake and not working) -- apparently, he made a drunken ass of himself very late last night, aliented a cyber-s.o., and is looking for a shoulder to cry on and someone to tease him so he can banter and regain his chat-status -- so i end up talking some, practicing talking some in a chatroom like this -- making fun but not meanly, knowing what to say and avoiding what would be going just a little too far -- i get a lot of lol's, whatever -- and without resorting to the obvious or the trite -- we all have our standards --

when a.'s home, early evening, her flowers have finally arrived, over two days late -- they are a little worn from riding around bumpy brooklyn streets in a ups truck for days -- she's pretty annoyed w/ ups, has been on the phone with them, several times -- i tried to make up a phony excuse last week as to why i was having something delivered to her place 'for me' this week, but she must have had a clue -- she's 40 in less than 48 hours, fergoshsakes -- it takes a lot to get her annoyed -- partly she's just sweet, and partly she doesn't like to reveal herself too much or make waves (issues you have as well, so you know how that goes) --

healthwise, she's been dizzy for days, hopefully simply a hangover from her cold several weeks ago -- i had earlyfall cold for a good week too -- she's kind of worried that it might be something bigger or more problematic, but hasn't had time to see a doctor, and really doesn't want to be sitting in a doctor's office on her bday (sat.) --

didn't feel like writing sprint today, so i didn't -- so annoying to have to struggle about stuff --

finished entries from the week when a. and i started in again, late august --

in the evening, j. watches the pilot of "ugly betty," from the famous southamerican telenovela (viewable on 41/47 here), but adapted to a young hispanic woman with braces working for a terminally trendoid fashion magazine in nyc, trying to make it against all odds, a classic american plotarc -- it's utterly overthetop in comedy and in pathos, a total soapopera, but at least not as leadenly pompous and preachy as the "grey's anatomy" she watched last thursday --
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humpday, tiring week so far -- [Sep. 27th, 2006|09:37 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |tiredtired]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Beatles, "I'm So Tired"]

every day various dogwalk things -- a combination of continuities (or, frequent recurrences), plus variations -- for ex., after parting from j. i virtually always head three blocks downhill, at first slowly but then more and more steeply and rapidly, toward the banklot across the main street at hillbottom, where he now tends to do his main poop for the day -- often he strains and pulls most of the way down the hill, seems even to accelerate as the slope intensifies and we near the main street at slope's end -- i think he often has it in mind that he's about to get to 'go,' and once that thought sets in he feels more and more motivated -- patience is not his strong suit --

and usually now, since we seem to be unable to get out of the house at 720something or even 730something, on the way down i'll tend to encounter the same mother dyed blond, frumpy) and child (tennish), walking up toward the main street at the top of the hill to take her to school or her bus stop, within a few minutes of eight -- at least she's not driving her five blocks each way in a tanksize suv; that's the impression i have of what often tends to happen hereabouts these days -- i give them berth by circling out into the street a few house before reaching them, and then back onto the sidewalk (you have to watch for traffic though; this is a narrow street and there isn't a light at either end, rare along this stretch, so i think people who fancy themselves in a hurry use it for wildeyed cut throughs) --

sometimes i hear the two of them talking as the walk -- about homework, about domestic stuff -- the adult never looks at the dog or me, the girl sometimes glances at the dog in passing -- i never make eyecontact, but sneakily check them in my peripheral vision as i pass, with my face and eyes turned toward something before me or to my left as they pass me on my right --

work: have i ever scoped out the exact distance up here? didn't have tenths on the old car's odometer, which surprised me when we got it (i'd never seen that before), but then again we did get a base model back in 89 -- anyhow, my morning drive such as it is: .7 to the second main road, 1.1 to the park entrance, 1.8 to the park exit out onto another main road, 2.0 as i turn to head up the steep back hill to school, 2.2 at the end of the hillmounting street, and then 2.4-2.5 to the parkingspot -- i used to walk home from school in 40 minutes, downhill (wed 5 sept 01 - fri 28 feb 03), but i think my walking route across the park is probably a bit shorter than the driving route -- it was probably only a tad over two miles, and a fast walk since all downhill, sometimes steeply (my normal walking speed, without slope, is probably about 21-22 minutes per mile, from yearsago timings made for exercise purposes, i.e., to estimate how far exercise walks were based on time elapsed) --

why 5 sept and why do i know it? first day i worked where i still work, and i can time it b/c it was a weds, and the following tu was 9/11, another big pointless disaster -- and why 28 feb 03, and how do i know it? because by the following monday, 3/3, i'd gotten j. to let me use the car for work, which also gave me the mobility to start meeting k., which she'd decided she wanted to do -- 3/3 was the first day of 'spring' break week (during which it snowed more than one day, i think), so we had time to meet and tentatively talk, starting that monday -- and 3/3/04 was also the day i drove to south jersey and hillsboro and cape may etc. with rnl, when she told me to use her cell to leave j. a scheduling message without realizing that j. had been given caller id at work and had never mentioned it -- so that led to problems and issues at home and with rnl when j. called that number and left a msg on 3/4 -- and rnl said 3/3 was also some sort of personal anniversary for her (i'd have to think back now on what exactly) --

anyhow, the office: keyboard stuff in big empty unused oldbuilding computerlab room, till 1045ish or a bit after, when i need to start classprep -- i'm still emailing s. in atlanta, telling her we can phonetalk after the sprint thing's clarified -- sprint has told me they are reactivating free pcs-to-pcs, but after the charges from the end of last week i want to make sure that it's really gone into effect before entering into any more lateafternoon calls (s.'s preferred time, and it also works for me when i'm home alone working and unwinding) --

first class: still portrait, chap one to end: unfair punishment, seeking of justice; beginning of chap 2: deflation -- life is always about moving forward by losing illusions -- mention the idea that each chapter 1-4 comes to a sense of triumph or movement forward that is then revealed as not so wonderful as first believed, early in the following chap -- st.'s frumpy homelife and father/family issues, early in 2 (ok, i took nearly a whole week on chap. one; gotta speed up, will go faster on two and three) --

betweentime: email, lj catchup

second class: from "metempsychosis" to end of ep. 4, overview onto episode 5 and its first page a bit -- how much does the student demographic here care about anything that they can't see immediate money coming out of? a few, maybe -- well, that's partly why i always try to make the point that the book's issues and themes are those we all deal with in various ways in our own modern urban work lives and personal lives--

way home, kf, last day for weekly lossleaders: two kraft fullsized dressing at 2-for-$4 (thou island, bl cheese ranch); two smallformat (8oz) storebrand shredded mozzarella, for upcoming pizzamaking i assume (2 for $4); two-for-one storemade italian loaves (1.69, not 3.38), and i.c. godiva line at $2, from what's available i select chocolate raspberry truffle (32g x 4 servings; 290 cals x 4 servings) -- total 11.69, 2:40pm

i always like i.c. with things in it better, and chocolate is a favored flavor: nothing whatsoever distinctive about me there; my genetic material is 99.9+% unexceptionable -- and as for the whole icecreameating ritual, see tomorrow's entry -- i'm in a string of i.c. eating days, and should probably just describe it decently, once --

home before three -- so many years i've tended to just dash out of there home from my last classroom -- i'm a workaholic and pretty dedicated, but they don't see any need to use me for that, other than if i volunteer it without anyone noticing let alone caring or acting on that information --

on top of the i.c. of course (130g carb in the carton) i also eat some of the bread with either, in some cases, fake butter on it (openfaced nonbutter sandwich) or, in othe cases, lowfat mayo and cheese (closedface cheese sandwich) -- in fact, what with my italianbread run over the prior month or so, today is the day that i actually finish the last bar of 'i cant believe it's not butter light' that i bought about four fourstick cartons on back in nov05, at lossleader price, before going into my superminimum carb phase from dec05-jul06 -- what did i have to do with i.c.b.i.n.b.l. after ceasing my morning consumption of toast, and forswearing the making of any sort of sandwich, starting dec 05? it stayed in the freezer for a long time, except for a partial stick in the butter drawer, for improvised use, that might not get touched for weeks at a time -- didn't break into the final fourstick carton till late aug or early sept, but now i am chucking out the last steely blueprint wrapper -- it's gone, où sont les margarines d'antan... -- another good reason to drop the bread and i.c. kick soon --

and there's trouble on the flowers front -- the flowers i ordered for a. to get prebirthday didn't come last night, so after some discussion with a. tues. evening and again when she's home weds. evening, i write them this on weds. evening just before 730pm:

Hi -- Note that what I am about to mention is not your fault but UPS's.
However, I ordered and paid for Tuesday delivery, and this is what has
happened so far. The item was not delivered on Tuesday; the recipient
left a note on her door saying to leave the item with the superintendant
of the building at the superintendant's apartment, and UPS ignored that
note and left a false "third attempt" notice on her door. She called UPS
Tuesday night and UPS said the "third attempt" notice was a mistake and
the item would be delivered Weds. But today it was again not delivered,
and she called up UPS this evening and they now claim it will be
delivered tomorrow. What shape will the flowers be in after two days
driving around in a UPS truck? What should we do about this? Regards, [firstname lastname]

after several emails back and forth during the day, in the 10pm hour sprint replies saying that i should have no more problem since they have me on pcs-to-pcs now -- but i was asking about the 'overage' from the call at the end of my last billing cycle, and they accidentally or deliberately didn't respond about that --

a. home and chippersounding, was busy at work, but bantering and babbling (the latter her term, in i.m. tonight) -- a ways along, she asks if we are overdue for an argument, teasingly -- later in the evening she watches secretary, which i think she ordered from amazon after we'd discussed it briefly late in august, but i've accidentally fallen asleep at 9something, so she leaves me a few i.m. bits while watching "project runway" about 1015 --
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tuesday: sour phone, sweet food [Sep. 26th, 2006|09:37 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |busydoing what needs to be done...]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Elvis Costello, "Welcome to the Working Week"]

nothing more special this morning than the fact that any day of life is special somehow, or feels that way, ordinary as it often is --

dogwalk deviation: auburnstained woodshavings kicked out from inside an oval citystrip tree enclosure formed of piled slateslabs, out onto the edge and even into the middle of the sidewalk (on weds. it will be partly fixed; on thur. and fri. nearly undistinguishable from one's memory or assumption of its predisturbance state, save for a few reddish slivers pushed up against the bottom edge of the slate miniwall, rather than being picked up over it and put back inside the enclosure) --

and today is really the start of the great sprint correspondence -- i noticed over the weekend, on my new sprint invoice (my cycle ends like the 22nd of each month), that s. in atlanta is not listed as pcs-to-pcs, as she said -- monday i emailed her about it, while replying to a lifeupdate note from her, and in response she said she hadn't understood that she needed to sign up for $5 extra a month for unlimited anytime within-sprint calling -- and i thought sprint would put me back on free pcs/pcs as soon as i started talking to someone on sprint again, but they didn't -- and now i have like a 60 dollar overage for two onehour calls at .40/minute, which is pretty expensive -- we'll see if i can work it out with them; i'm on month-to-month and don't need to stick with them if i don't want to -- more updates in this space; like anything with a big company it tends to drag out some --

here's the first email i sent them, through their site, in the 9am hour today --

Topic: Pricing
=============================================================
Question: Hi -- I began exchanging cell calls last month with someone
who is a new Sprint subscriber. I thought my old 2004-05 "PCS-to-PCS
unlimited minutes for $5/mo." arrangement would kick back in when I did.
It didn't, and the last two calls in my billing cycle got charged at
like 25-30 dollars each. Please reactiviate my PCS-to-PCS service
starting retroactively last month and send me a recalculated bill. If I
have to pay 50 dollars extra for two inside-sprint calls I'll change to
Verizon, which is where I already get my DSL and landline. Please get
back to me at your earliest convenience so I know where I stand about
calling the other Sprint customer whose calls raised this issue for me.

Thanks in advance and regards, [firstname lastname]

Customer since Feb 2004

after three or four emails each way during the day, by 6pm-ish we are at:

Dear Mr. [lastname],

Thank you for contacting Sprint together with Nextel. I have applied the
$25.00 courtesy credit to your account. This will be viewable on your
next invoice. In regards to terminating service, you can contact a
Customer Care Representative at 1-888-211-4727 when you wish to
terminate, regarding termination, and they will be happy to assist you
further.

Thank you for contacting Sprint. We value you as a customer. Please let
us know if you have any further questions.

Bradley T.
E-Care
Sprint together with Nextel
"Where our customers come first!"

if they value me as a customer and customers come first and all that malarky, are they willing to let me go forever after 2.5 years in order to keep 30something dollars charged for one in-network phonecall? we shall see! tbc...

'offday' office keyboard time, 8something to early afternoon -- then shave, late enough in the day to last through tomorrow, but also early enough that i don't look scruffy for what's next -- then off to emergency endofmonth highfee bank shop, which turns out to be in the shopping mall with the grocery store that k. has me drive through to get her home from our park sittingspot -- in fact, i've driven within eight feet of the bank entrance a hundred times, and now i see it from a different angle, as i have to cheack neatness, availability of brochures, and what the csr an elderly gentleman) tells me about accounts and services -- he does ok, but is not as eager to get me to yes as middleaged people tend to be -- and usually all i think about in this location is not hitting pedestrians or cars backing out or zipping around, maybe worrying about whether she will spot her mom here or some neighborhood friend -- it's now a real place to me, not a get-done-with-it passthrough route --

and since i'm all the way out here, i decide to stop by the mall and visit k., who is probably in men's -- she seems to work six days a week now -- it's possible she'll be on break or not in, but let's give it a whirl, on the way to rewarding ourselves with the seasonal local since 1928 i.c. place, which is only open till some time early next month -- i believe i saw 15 oct. posted last time i was there --

park by a door into the mall that i'd never normally use, and apparently other people don't use it much either, b/c it's far easier to get a parking spot near the door here than it's been for 25 years by any other malldoors i know of, including doors into different parts of this very same anchorstore -- that's probably because this door and this dept are at the very vary far end of the mall, making it a morewalking option for those wanting to go anywhere in the mall but this dept -- and morewalking is suburban anathema; our motorized servants must do the walking for us, so we are left free to complain constantly about being x pounds over what we want to weigh --

anyhow, the door leads straight into the men's dept where she works -- i walk in variations on a rectangle two or three times, looking for where she is, and trying not to look like mr. casing-the-joint to mr. walkietalkie-earpiece-lossprevention who's stationed at all times, legs apart (do they tell them to do that too?), somewhere near the main door -- hmm, she might be off the floor, in the back or something, i'll give it ten minutes or so -- on about the third goround, periscoping as i walk when i'm not in eyeshot of doorguy, i spot her in an area of shelves and racks in mid-department putting clothes back on hangers, and refolding shirts that customers have mussed and then abandoned -- she's still in training, still on probation, so i don't make any definitive comments (might be annoying or upsetting), but i think this really will be good for her -- i've told her for several years that she should leave the barbershop, which is a small singleowner business where the (snotty) wife and (drugusing, gamblingaddicted) kids have access to the safe, so there is constant 'where did the money go?' drama, complete with fingerpointing among employees, and even (on occasion) deductions from employees' salaries for missing receipts, incl. k.'s -- and like yeah, now i ought to start taking my own advice...

anyway, she's happy i came by, gives her a bit of a break while working; she introduces me as a friend to a 20something coworker in the same part of the same dept -- wonder what she says when i'm gone; maybe she makes herself seem interesting by stating or hinting at her relational complexities -- anyhow, we chat and catch up on stuff for ten or fifteen minutes: she can't get away right now, just started her shift at 245 or something, so her break/dinner is later (she gets off around 10 or something, after the mall and its anchor have shut) -- i do notice that she is wearing allblack, as they apparently mandate (not a colorscheme i've seen her opt for in the past) -- but her black sweater-top looks balled in some places, bald in others, and has a few stainyseeming spots on the front -- she really ought to get better, particularly now that she works in clothing and gets a discount anyhow -- on days we've met when she is going to work right afterwards (she started a the barbershop about sept. 03), she's always dressed in that current american casual fashion, and on days she's been offwork she's frequently tended toward old sweats, the 'loose and comfortable above all else' thing that so many people seem to prefer, even when they can obviously (from other indicators) afford better -- well, we'll see how things evolve on that front -- maybe they'll even say something to her, either her supervisor or her coworkers --

at a register she prints me out a copy of her schedule for the next two weeks (columns: day, date, start, end, meal, area), in case i need to know when she's there or not there, for either dropping by or knowing when she's free to meet -- yes, it makes it easier to think about scheduling, but is also a risky thing to have around, because it has her first and last names on it, and i believe she's also in the phonebook with address and number -- well, we'll think about whether to chuck it or not --

on way home i drive two sides rather than one side of a triangle to get home, so as to stop by the i.c. place, which i am past from the perspective of my house -- it has occurred to me this month that a large here is 2.50 with two flavors, and a pint with two flavors, much larger, is only 3.50 -- i get nutella on the bottom (which means i eat it last but order it first to make it easier for the scooper to remember what goes in which order), and chocolate peanut butter cup on top (used to be called chocolate reeses; i imagine legal concerns led to a name change maybe two years ago -- but it's still broken bits of reeses in there) -- almost no line here in midafternoon these days, unlike july or august -- i sit in the car in the lot and eat it down, as a reward for my recent errands, before driving home the back way -- and to think this current carbepisode started with the cvs dumpster and the office vendingmachine in those wearing days of midsummer, late july -- gotta stop this soon -- i take an extra metformin after i arrive home --

on im w/ a. 630ish-730ish and after 9 a bit

j home 730ish, says she has headache, so i have to eveningwalk the dog -- short jog, at least to pee if he shows no doodoo inclination within a few minutes of heading out -- i always have to check stuff, hide stuff, before i go to walk the dog with her home -- is there anything compromising accessible? hide my bag somehow? is my account on the comp locked up? (i created her own password account on my comp, late one saturday morning late in the summer, in case she wants to use it sometimes, which she does), etc. -- annoying, but that's life --

write bankreport midevening, from 8smthg to 9smthg -- it's due by midnight, so i can get the bonus -- i'm only the beginning of the report process -- someone needs to edit it, and then i'm sure they aggregate them all for the client, who probably wants the sept reports very very early in oct, while they're still fresh --

j. to bed early w/ headache, by 9ish; on phone w/ a. for a bit 930ish -- she has been trying to go to bed by 930pm so she can get up soon after six am feeling rested -- sometimes she asks me to wake her up for a few minutes by calling after ten pm if i don't have privacy before then -- but tonight it's basically just at her bedtime --
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yet another workweek; keep pulling the sled [Sep. 25th, 2006|09:36 am]
[*part* of my current mood is: |blahdetermined,not esp. positively]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Daniel Bedingfield, "Gotta Get Through This"]

asleep 130, after typing and watching aac chat -- i get up 630 as i hear pinkrobewearing j. descending a staircase at the far end of the house -- i leap up and pull my own robe on quickly, so i won't be caught lying late in bed -- after she toothbrushes, i showershave -- ahwell, wasn't able to get that out of the way before she came down -- i'm out of the bathroom at 655, but we aren't able to leave the house till 738 --

dogwalk deviations: since yesterday, the house where the movie was shot in august 05 (lj entry) has erected three twostory or so motorinflated airstatues, halloween themed (jocular morbidity), almost filling the yard and dwarfing the house -- and at the mainstreet, diagonally cross from the sb where i wait, there's a new orangeback lanternlogo sovereign bank sign that i hear a pair of guys discussing as they walk by me into sb -- yes, when i did several independence community bank csr (customer service rep, aka basic banker) visits back in the early summer, some of them told me about this new acquisition and upcoming namechange, and then some sept. csr visits i was assigned for the bank were canceled several days before execution, b/c the new company wasn't sure what kind of program they wanted -- funny that two scruffylooking guys i would expect to be talking about bank takeovers were walking past me talking about just that as i dogstood before the starbucks --

j. just makes the bus that passes her stop at 800am -- i hand her off the paper that i'm just done with as she hands me coffee -- if there'd been a green light rather than a red one up at the main corner when she'd come out of sb, she'd have waited 5-10 minutes for another bus, missing a boat -- but she actually works 10a-6p, starting that is a few months after she got the dog, when she'd been doing the morning walk for awhile --

up to my office by 830, second room from the end of the firstfloor hall in the new building; "transfer care feeding" cd is lying on lectern by terminal as it has been since lateaugust in this room -- while i slip it in the cd slot and scroll through it, what basic babyish info, everything that's cheesy about powerpoint and similar presentations -- then students start to enter and sit about 900 and (knowing this might happen, hence remaining packed up) i pick up and leave as if i'm done checking email or something -- i make bathroom stop out past the lobby, since i'm up anyway (checking the wastebasket by the vending machines; nothing) (picking up the nytimes and usatoday for j.) -- then back down the hall to the new complab 900-1015 -- then i check for an open room on the second floor, mac lab's open as it rarely is -- i move up there and work, 1015-1115 -- it's only a few feet down, on the opposite side of the hall, from my classroom --

firstclass: mid of portrait chap. one, from end of sickness sequence, through christmas scene, to smugging discussion -- how much do they identify with? how much to they feel is alien and irrelevant? probably varies from person to person -- i try to make it come to life as much as possible by my own energy and insight and linkages to real life issues --

nonlunch: lj catchup and email catchup --

secondclass: more of middle of ep. 4; i am going slow with it this time -- sometimes i get caught up or slowed down in inclass bookpassages for my own reasons, but often it is partly or even predominantly to get students to see into it better, appreciate it better --

all last week and even the end of the week before, via email i was being kept apprised of a meeting that was eventually scheduled for right after my last class today, 230pm -- it's being scheduled by the new fulltimer here -- i've been curious for over a week whether this is at her own initiative because she is trying to do a good job or be a gogetter, asking all the teachers of one of my classes to meet and talk -- or was she asked to do this by a higherup for some reason? --

if the former, is that to orient herself and do well? in which case why am i giving away uncompensated time to help her do well at her job when she is paid on a fulltime basis and i'm paid on a parttime basis??? (which means me probably teaching more courses last year than she will this year) -- that she'd ask me that, or that someone above her would ask her to ask me that, shows just what a lala land academics live in: taking upon themselves (i.e., arrogating to themselves) as their most (self)important function the task of constantly lecturing society at large about its illogic, injustice, and hypocrisy, when its own bizarreries along those lines are even more glaring than those out there in the rest of society, which of course has fewer means than academia and academics do of obfuscation, obscuration, and verbal modes for making things seem ok when they're not --

well, i was nice, i didn't try to weasel out or say anything with any possible negative overtone -- and now here i am, giving up my time for free without compensation -- after all, the reason i am not paid what a fulltimer is, is that i am exempted from attending meetings or keeping office hours etc. -- just classes and grades -- yet here they are, sneaking in through the back door and asking me to do these kinds of things anyway, contradicting the whole bullshit (otherdeceiving, selfdeceiving) principle behind the twotier system -- i understand how nuts it is, and am nice and don't do anything about it -- they are either stupid enough not to realize how nuts it is, even though they are supposedly in a profession whose claim to fame and function in society is to be more logical and figure things out better than others, or else they do notice the contradictions but are selfish or selfserving enough not to do anything about it -- so is it an intellectual failing on their part, or a moral failing? probably some of both, and either on its own is vitiating to their selfview and selfvalidation -- whatever... -- but which of them is crazier, them for thinking it's ok for them to try to get away with this, or me for letting them and acting sweet about it? same mistake i've made in not a few areas of my life: be nice, work hard, expect people to notice and reciprocate, when what instead tends to happen is that users feel things are just fine as they are and let me continue pouring water into sand --

but enough pondering of imponderables -- i was thinking last week of emailing her to ask whether this is a formal meeting or an informal one, i.e., the result of her on her own initiative collegially wanting to find out about a course she's teaching, asking parttimers with experience to give her free advice (she turns out to be the only fulltimer at the meeting), or whether someone higherup (the chair) asked her to do this for some threatening or nonthreatening reason -- partly out of caution (no matter how carefully worded such a question could be taken as uncooperative rather than simply realistic and matter of fact), and partly due to sheer busyness, i never did email her about this -- was thinking during the day of asking her at the meeting, worrying about now and then during the day, nervous: a meeting like this can probably only be time-expense and effort and risk for me, not benefit -- what good could possibly come of it that would help me? anyway, i decide not to express my curiosity as to whether this is a formal or informal thing, b/c before the outset she reads stuff off a sheet of paper about a universitywide faculty meeting about lower enrollments here, so obviously this meeting is formal somehow --

when i walk in the other two people have just arrived and are in the process of sitting down and settling in across from her and at her right elbow -- there will only be four of us -- i sit at her left elbow, so she can't keep as close of an eye on me and we are not all sitting staring plaintively at her, rather pitifully -- she's darkskinned with a hardtoplace last name (might be portuguese or spanish, or might not), and is someone who approaches lit from a pomo angle, hired by a committee at the main branch, really, i suspect (not by anyone here, other than with input by the ass. chair) -- after minor chitchat, she starts with me and goes around the table asking each of us to talk about how we teach the class -- i explain my approach, teaching u in cultural context, themes of modernity as they exist in daily life and are dealt with in major life issues -- she asks about theory and the secondary lit, and i tell her yes on that, knowing what she wants to hear -- i tell her about how i include those things (which are on the course website, though i am skeptical that there is any point in them or that it would make the class better to put more weight on them in class or on assignments -- but we can't insult someone's religion) --

she remarks, cheerily, that it sounds like a really interesting class -- even as my heart does go out for a fraction of a moment and is just as quickly is cautiously reined back in, my silent analytical responses are (1) if sincere, then that doesn't help me -- i don't need momentary compliments, i need to be treated okay in tangible ways, and (2) if insincere (i've seen so much insincerity in academia, intended to avoid conflict and trouble by giving the other person the impression nothing is up and hence leaving oneself room to maneuver unimpended in pursuit of one's own agenda), then what's her real agenda? enforce intellectual discipline under a mandate from higher up (you have to cover things pomo fashion are you are not a real academic)? report on perceived problems (ditto)? andor pad her cv with "i chaired x meetings of committee y" as part of the service component of her fulltime position, with me and my uncompensated time as players in her prmotionminded, faculty-activity-report destined tableau vivant? bottom line, there is nothing here that helps me tangibly, only costs and risks that, for now, are outweighed by the risk inherent in being seen as noncooperative --

it is interesting to see what the other two are doing -- one, the suckup who is always hanging around cheerily (not going to get you anything, pal, but good luck, go for it), is doing kind of a spirituality light lit/relig class including c.s. lewis and siddartha, among other things not gotten to yet; he admits he doesn't know the books well, has not taught them before, but she is not critical, sounds interested -- if there's on thing people learn in graduate school, it's how to temporize, because you are always in an inferior position, always being judged, always needing approval, and fully aware that having information and withholding information are crucial to power and avoidance of avoidable trouble; the other part timer, a frumpy married lady (ring), teaches it more like a composition or writingskills class, which is odd, but there you go -- that's not what the class aims were listed as when i was given a set of class aims and a syllabus when i first taught the class in like 02-03 -- sitting at the meetingchair's elbow, i notice that she's writing down two or three times the info about the other two as about me -- hmm, that could mean i was simply straightforward in what i said i'm doing and that there were more 'issues' to report on re the other two -- or could it be me who is problematic -- you just never know, unless you are familiar enough with someone else to read her body language and the thrust of her jotted notes --

and then i notice she says nothing about her own section of the class -- interesting -- don't we get to learn from her? she must be superior to us somehow... but as said above, having information and withholding information from others are the two doorkeys to successful maneuvering and manipulation -- i notice at a certain point she drops a comment about requirements we should all have throughout the sections, so students won't pick and choose among us on the basis of easiness -- that means she is anxious about not being popular with students; hmm, she didn't conceal as well there as she needed to (and as i write this at the end of oct. i recall that, wandering a couple of weeks later down the halls on the main classroom floor of the new building looking for an empty room to use for a bit, i saw her teaching a class that, when i stopped at a spot from which i could see most of the classroom through the slitwindow, only had about three people in attendance, with her standing behind a lectern at the front -- check...) --

the solution of most humanities academics to anything professional is more theory, which is basically the standardissue cliches of contemporary left politics disguised as philosophical and sociological terminology -- they consider that enculturating students into that, or at least hectoring them about it, constitutes some sort of social progress, or at least is a morally good thing in itself -- the advantage over real life politics being that you can just chat about it endlessly without ever having to convince 50% 1 people to agree, or see it tested in reality and perhaps not working out so well -- instead, you get to tell students, orally and in grades and written feedback, that they are good or not so good to the extent that they mirror or do not so well mirror your own modes --

and from the point of view of colleagues, one 'polices the boundaries' (to use a pomostyle phrase) in order to increase perceived rectitude and purity, a kind of substitute religious inquisition --

i for my part would like to understand and explain life better (less imperfectly), and am well aware that i learned all i was going to learn from left politics and academic jargon a good twenty years ago -- and meanwhile, i also know full well that many (most?) students here don't agree, to some greater or lesser extent, with those politics, and furthermore that certainly so few of the people in my classes will go on to teach humanities in colleges that enculturating them into the academic jargon is utterly pointless, a sort of professional onanism (this is not princeton, or even a major state school's graduate program) -- and also, given that so many of my colleagues are busily working to engage in such enculturation, i should actually just leave them to it, and for my part should instead try to show students how books talk about real issues of lived life that students have to deal with, both now and as they go forward, all in the context of a sense of cultural history that always shows ways in which cultural concepts tie in to genuine issues of lived life --

so this is what i am fitfully mulling during the middle and latter parts of the meeting, which keeping part of my brain focused on what's being said and tossing in a comment here and there -- the poser in the tableau may be holding his pose faithfully, but things are going on in his head -- i suppose i should feel really sour and sorry for myself, but i long since know this world so well that it really just doesn't touch me emotionally any more -- and i couldn't afford to let it; i have to be functional first and foremost --

anyhow, when she suggests the possibility of another meeting, i say sure, let's think about it, just email us again, any monday at 230 would work for me, etc., all constructive sounding (sure, i'm hoping she'll drop it, but betting to myself that she won't, and may not even have a choice anyhow) -- the only possibly negativeconstruable thing i've said in 45 minutes is this, when she asks us if we've been involved in the dept: "i'm into my sixth year here, and i've never been asked for a syllabus by anyone" -- which is absolutely true; as long as i show up and teach the classes and turn in the grades and don't complain about the conditions, i suppose there's a synergy between two big factors: (1) 'them' knowing they are getting a bargain and leaving well enough alone, and (2) 'them' doing what professors always do, sc. considering themselves personally overworked (but i teach more than fulltimers for a quarter or so the compensation), and therefore never doing anything that doesn't seem either necessary or helpful to them personally, or both --

out, freedom, enough --

afterwards: bank 1550 receipt, withdraw 40 cash for walkingaround money this week -- there's 243.10 owing in checkingplus, where the credit limit is 300 -- i bet j. still hasn't fixed the cable autodeduct of 55 or so not to come out from here, and it always happens right in the late twenties of every month -- i resolve to mention it to her without negative overtones tonight, just as a practical matter --

across street to kf: j asked me to get her stuff at the grocery store -- i get her on cell b/c her very specific requisites for getting kleenex (brand, size, etc.) do not seem met by what's here on the shelf, after a careful examination -- but then we get cut off owing to poor signal in the rear part of the store (i've noticed that before, here), and i can't get her back after a couple more tries, so i just get 2 two-for-2.39 largesize boxes (plus .40 tax), her thomas's english muffins 2.99, and 2 tropicana grovetstand extrapulpy oj two-for-5.00 -- then, for me, onsale kraft bluecheese ranch dressing 2.00; six normally 2.69 campbells chunky soups, assorted varieties, onsale buy-one-get-one-free; two smallsize bags of storebrand shredded mozzarella onsale 2.00 each, and twoforone italian bread 1.69 for two loaves -- total 28.93, 4:04pm receipt --

then i notice that one of the items, the kleenex, is listed on the receipt as 2.39 each, not 2.39 for two -- so i have to go to stupid management or service window, where they blame the checkout girl as i get a filledout form from them, then back to the checkout girl, who blames the computer person -- anyhow, i end up getting back 2.39 + .20 tax = 2.59 cash ("number of items sold 0"), 4:08 receipt (another four or so minutes wasted), but at least now i'm straight... reminding me why i didn't come here for months and they are always one moment from being on my shitlist again, b/c despite my store of knowledge concerning how they tend to screw things up, i still can't catch everything before checkout --

home --

just rest, don't think -- don't need to talk to anyone tomorrow, that's something...

but on aac (good for vegging) i do happen to see someone that i know's in hunterdon county, nj saying hi to me in chat (using her nickname for my s.n.) -- even though i'm not talking in chat at that time at all, she's just touching base with people she knows as she comes online -- that's quite a coincidence, for me to spot that, since chat goes by so fast that if you do not see something in the first thirty seconds after it's typed, only very clumsily can you scroll back up to it and see it, because the discourse is always careening wildly along among several dozen people at any given point, pushing older segments further and further up from the latest-statement line at the bottom of the shat screen -- i have a goofy screen name but at least not sexual like many -- i'd have picked something different if i'd realized i'd be talking on this site and getting addressed by variants on the s.n. --

i know her a bit, we talk sometimes a bit, have not talked out of the room where things are public and in some ways (though not in others) more diplomatic -- she was one of the first people i talked to in the room; usually seems mousy and talks about weather -- anyhow -- i explain to her in the room that i'm on i.m. [with a., who's home], so she pm's me her yahoo s.n. and i reciprocate -- we chat some on yahoo early evening: she's here because she's the currently-divorcing extramarital s.o. of someone who's a famous (or, infamously contentious) poster here, but someone i don't know b/c, owing to complaints from others about his contentiousness, he was banned by admins a couple of weeks after i signed up, before i'd really got to know very many people yet --

aac is just a social network made up of people who are somewhat pervy somehow -- hunterdon lady and drift off from conversing after an hour or so, and then she's showing herself topless oncam in the room, which she hasn't done before, tells me in the room that she's glad i was around for that -- but this is all just socializing, the 'lonelyhearts club' i have sometimes sort of sarcastically called it in the room --
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sunday writing writing 82: proportions of the aggregate [Sep. 24th, 2006|04:23 pm]
[*part* of my current mood is: |nerdysurveyish]
[soundtrack of the moment is: |inhead, Yes through-the-cheesegrater version of "America"]

to start, let's include herein by reference, as promised, a writingrelated thought, from thur. evening; see the thursday lj entry, near the end, passage about 'grey's anatomy' --

and onwards --

*******


STATEWIDE POPULATION FIGURES ACROSS THE U.S.


this from http://www.census.gov/population/cen2000/tab04.txt:

note: columning does not appear in this lj entry because (to save display space?) lj doesn't show multiple sequential horizontal spaces; however, the spaces, and hence the vertically aligned columns, are visible in the editing window, and can be copied from there to elsewhere...


Table 4. Resident Population of the 50 States, the District of Columbia...: April 1, 2000 (Census 2000) and April 1, 1990 (1990 Census)


since the headings are pretty inscrutable in out-of-alignment
display, note that the five columns are headed, left to right:

"area" = state name
pop., april 1 2000
pop., april 1 1990
population rank 1-50, 2000 census
ditto, 1990 census


[State State
Rank Rank
as of as of
April 1, April 1, April 1, April 1,
Area 2000 1990 2000 1990]

Alabama 4,447,100 4,040,587 23 22
Alaska 626,932 550,043 48 49
Arizona 5,130,632 3,665,228 20 24
Arkansas 2,673,400 2,350,725 33 33
California 33,871,648 29,760,021 1 1
Colorado 4,301,261 3,294,394 24 26
Connecticut 3,405,565 3,287,116 29 27
Delaware 783,600 666,168 45 46
District of Columbia 572,059 606,900 (NA) (NA)
Florida 15,982,378 12,937,926 4 4
Georgia 8,186,453 6,478,216 10 11
Hawaii 1,211,537 1,108,229 42 41
Idaho 1,293,953 1,006,749 39 42
Illinois 12,419,293 11,430,602 5 6
Indiana 6,080,485 5,544,159 14 14
Iowa 2,926,324 2,776,755 30 30
Kansas 2,688,418 2,477,574 32 32
Kentucky 4,041,769 3,685,296 25 23
Louisiana 4,468,976 4,219,973 22 21
Maine 1,274,923 1,227,928 40 38
Maryland 5,296,486 4,781,468 19 19
Massachusetts 6,349,097 6,016,425 13 13
Michigan 9,938,444 9,295,297 8 8
Minnesota 4,919,479 4,375,099 21 20
Mississippi 2,844,658 2,573,216 31 31
Missouri 5,595,211 5,117,073 17 15
Montana 902,195 799,065 44 44
Nebraska 1,711,263 1,578,385 38 36
Nevada 1,998,257 1,201,833 35 39
New Hampshire 1,235,786 1,109,252 41 40
New Jersey 8,414,350 7,730,188 9 9
New Mexico 1,819,046 1,515,069 36 37
New York 18,976,457 17,990,455 3 2
North Carolina 8,049,313 6,628,637 11 10
North Dakota 642,200 638,800 47 47
Ohio 11,353,140 10,847,115 7 7
Oklahoma 3,450,654 3,145,585 27 28
Oregon 3,421,399 2,842,321 28 29
Pennsylvania 12,281,054 11,881,643 6 5
Rhode Island 1,048,319 1,003,464 43 43
South Carolina 4,012,012 3,486,703 26 25
South Dakota 754,844 696,004 46 45
Tennessee 5,689,283 4,877,185 16 17
Texas 20,851,820 16,986,510 2 3
Utah 2,233,169 1,722,850 34 35
Vermont 608,827 562,758 49 48
Virginia 7,078,515 6,187,358 12 12
Washington 5,894,121 4,866,692 15 18
West Virginia 1,808,344 1,793,477 37 34
Wisconsin 5,363,675 4,891,769 18 16
Wyoming 493,782 453,588 50 50

Total Resident Population 281,421,906 248,709,873 (NA) (NA)

Northeast 53,594,378 50,809,229 (NA) (NA)
Midwest 64,392,776 59,668,632 (NA) (NA)
South 100,236,820 85,445,930 (NA) (NA)
West 63,197,932 52,786,082 (NA) (NA)


********

out of 280 million, every 2.8 million = 1%
5.6 million would be 2% (and this is the avg. state pop. size, based on ~50 states)
8.4 million would be 3%
11.2 million would be 4%
14.0 million would be 5%
16.8 million would be 6%
etc.


the two cols. following the sheer population number in the following table are, respectively, full percents per state, and then any considerable shared percent beyond that; all states get a minimum of one; and finally, the exact percentage, calculated to hundredths of a percentage point, which should be sufficient, is given in parentheses at the end:

Alabama 4,447,100 1 1 (1.57)
Alaska 626,932 1 0 (.22; 1 is rounded up)
Arizona 5,130,632 1 1 (1.82)
Arkansas 2,673,400 1 0 (.95)
California 33,871,648 12 0 (12.04)
Colorado 4,301,261 1 1 (1.53)
Connecticut 3,405,565 1 1 (1.21)
Delaware 783,600 1 0 (.28; 1 is rounded up)
District of Columbia 572,059 1 0 (.20; 1 is rounded up)
Florida 15,982,378 5 1 (5.68)
Georgia 8,186,453 3 0 (2.91)
Hawaii 1,211,537 1 0 (.43; 1 is rounded up)
Idaho 1,293,953 1 0 (.46; 1 is rounded up)
Illinois 12,419,293 4 1 (4.41)
Indiana 6,080,485 2 0 (2.16)
Iowa 2,926,324 1 0 (1.04)
Kansas 2,688,418 1 0 (.96)
Kentucky 4,041,769 1 1 (1.44)
Louisiana 4,468,976 1 1 (1.59)
Maine 1,274,923 1 0 (.45; 1 is rounded up)
Maryland 5,296,486 1 1 (1.88)
Massachusetts 6,349,097 2 1 (2.26)
Michigan 9,938,444 3 1 (3.53)
Minnesota 4,919,479 1 1 (1.75)
Mississippi 2,844,658 1 0 (1.01)
Missouri 5,595,211 2 0 (1.99)
Montana 902,195 1 0 (.32; 1 is rounded up)
Nebraska 1,711,263 1 0 (.61; 1 is rounded up)
Nevada 1,998,257 1 0 (.71; 1 is rounded up)
New Hampshire 1,235,786 1 0 (.44; 1 is rounded up)
New Jersey 8,414,350 3 0 (2.99)
New Mexico 1,819,046 1 0 (.65; 1 is rounded up)
New York 18,976,457 6 1 (6.74)
North Carolina 8,049,313 2 1 (2.86)
North Dakota 642,200 1 0 (.23; 1 is rounded up)
Ohio 11,353,140 4 0 (4.03)
Oklahoma 3,450,654 1 1 (1.23)
Oregon 3,421,399 1 1 (1.22)
Pennsylvania 12,281,054 4 1 (4.36)
Rhode Island 1,048,319 1 0 (.37; 1 is rounded up)
South Carolina 4,012,012 1 1 (1.43)
South Dakota 754,844 1 0 (.27; 1 is rounded up)
Tennessee 5,689,283 2 0 (2.02)
Texas 20,851,820 7 1 (7.41)
Utah 2,233,169 1 0 (.79; 1 is rounded up)
Vermont 608,827 1 0 (.22; 1 is rounded up)
Virginia 7,078,515 2 1 (2.52)
Washington 5,894,121 2 0 (2.09)
West Virginia 1,808,344 1 0 (.64; 1 is rounded up)
Wisconsin 5,363,675 1 1 (1.91)
Wyoming 493,782 1 0 (.18; 1 is rounded up)


[parenthesized percentage figures total to 100.01 due to rounding]

total, full onepercents (first column): 99, which is already just under 100

total, shared onepercents (second column) : 21

number of states with far less than 1% that are therefore rounded up to 1% : 18


so this is how we start to to shape and structure, to be proportional --


********


U.S. STATE GEOGRAPHIC AREAS



another major aggregate/scale issue to be taken into account: geographic area, as taken from http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0108355.html, which is taken from a census dept. document:

Land and Water Area of States, 2000 (in square miles)

six cols., left to right:

State
Rank
Land (note 1)
Water (note 2)
Total Area
Percentage of Total Area, to hundredths of a percent --


Note about the sixth column: i calculated and added this myself to the original table


total u.s. area = ~3.8 million square miles;
1% of land area would be ~38,000 square miles



Alabama 30 50,744.00 1,675.01 52,419.02 (1.38)
Alaska 1 571,951.26 91,316.00 663,267.26 (17.48)
Arizona 6 113,634.57 363.73 113,998.30 (3.00)
Arkansas 29 52,068.17 1,110.45 53,178.62 (1.40)
California 3 155,959.34 7,736.23 163,695.57 (4.31)
Colorado 8 103,717.53 376.04 104,093.57 (2.74)
Connecticut 48 4,844.80 698.53 5,543.33 (0.14)
Delaware 49 1,953.56 535.71 2,489.27 (0.07)
Dist. of
Columbia — 61.4 6.94 68.34 (0.002)
Florida 22 53,926.82 11,827.77 65,754.59 (1.73)
Georgia 24 57,906.14 1,518.63 59,424.77 (1.57)
Hawaii 43 6,422.62 4,508.36 10,930.98 (0.29)
Idaho 14 82,747.21 822.87 83,570.08 (2.20)
Illinois 25 55,583.58 2,330.79 57,914.38 (1.53)
Indiana 38 35,866.90 550.83 36,417.73 (0.96)
Iowa 26 55,869.36 402.2 56,271.55 (1.48)
Kansas 15 81,814.88 461.96 82,276.84 (2.17)
Kentucky 37 39,728.18 680.85 40,409.02 (1.06)
Louisiana 31 43,561.85 8,277.85 51,839.70 (1.37)
Maine 39 30,861.55 4,523.10 35,384.65 (0.93)
Maryland 42 9,773.82 2,632.86 12,406.68 (0.33)
Massachusetts 44 7,840.02 2,714.55 10,554.57 (0.28)
Michigan 11 56,803.82 39,912.28 96,716.11 (2.55)
Minnesota 12 79,610.08 7,328.79 86,938.87 (2.29)
Mississippi 32 46,906.96 1,523.24 48,430.19 (1.28)
Missouri 21 68,885.93 818.39 69,704.31 (1.84)
Montana 4 145,552.43 1,489.96 147,042.40 (3.87)
Nebraska 16 76,872.41 481.31 77,353.73 (2.04)
Nevada 7 109,825.99 734.71 110,560.71 (2.92)
New
Hampshire 46 8,968.10 381.84 9,349.94 (0.25)
New Jersey 47 7,417.34 1,303.96 8,721.30 (0.23)
New Mexico 5 121,355.53 233.96 121,589.48 (3.20)
New York 27 47,213.79 7,342.22 54,556.00 (1.44)
North Carolina 28 48,710.88 5,107.63 53,818.51 (1.42)
North Dakota 19 68,975.93 1,723.86 70,699.79 (1.86)
Ohio 34 40,948.38 3,876.53 44,824.90 (1.18)
Oklahoma 20 68,667.06 1,231.13 69,898.19 (1.84)
Oregon 9 95,996.79 2,383.85 98,380.64 (2.59)
Pennsylvania 33 44,816.61 1,238.63 46,055.24 (1.22)
Rhode Island 50 1,044.93 500.12 1,545.05 (0.04)
South Carolina 40 30,109.47 1,910.73 32,020.20 (0.84)
South Dakota 17 75,884.64 1,231.85 77,116.49 (2.03)
Tennessee 36 41,217.12 926.15 42,143.27 (1.11)
Texas 2 261,797.12 6,783.70 268,580.82 (7.08)
Utah 13 82,143.65 2,755.18 84,898.83 (2.24)
Vermont 45 9,249.56 364.7 9,614.26 (0.25)
Virginia 35 39,594.07 3,180.13 42,774.20 (1.13)
Washington 18 66,544.06 4,755.58 71,299.64 (1.88)
West Virginia 41 24,077.73 152.03 24,229.76 (0.64)
Wisconsin 23 54,310.10 11,187.72 65,497.82 (1.73)
Wyoming 10 97,100.40 713.16 97,813.56 (2.58)
U.S. total 3,537,438.44 256,644.62 3,794,083.06

1. Dry land and land temporarily or partially covered by water, such as marshland, swamps, etc.; streams and canals under one-eighth statute mile wide; and lakes, reservoirs, and ponds under 40 acres.

2. Permanent inland water surface, such as lakes, reservoirs, and ponds having an area of 40 acres or more; streams, sloughs, estuaries, and canals one-eighth statute mile or more in width; deeply indented embayments and sounds, and other coastal waters behind or sheltered by headlands or islands separated by less than 1 nautical mile of water, and islands under 40 acres in area. Excludes areas of oceans, bays, sounds, etc. lying within U.S. jurisdiction but not defined as inland water.
Source: Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census.

note that the statebystate percentages i calculated in the final column above add to 99.992, owing to rounding




and here, from http://www.theus50.com/area.shtml, taken from a us geological survey document, the states are ranked in order of size rather than alphabetically:

Rank Name Area (Sq Miles)
1 Alaska 587,878
2 Texas 266,874
3 California 158,648
4 Montana 147,047
5 New Mexico 121,599
6 Arizona 114,007
7 Nevada 110,567
8 Colorado 104,100
9 Wyoming 97,818
10 Oregon 97,052
11 Utah 84,905
12 Minnesota 84,397
13 Idaho 83,574
14 Kansas 82,282
15 Nebraska 77,359
16 South Dakota 77,122
17 North Dakota 70,704
18 Oklahoma 69,903
19 Missouri 69,709
20 Washington 68,126
21 Florida 58,681
22 Michigan 58,513
23 Georgia 58,390
24 Illinois 56,343
25 Iowa 56,276
26 Wisconsin 56,145
27 Arkansas 53,183
28 North Carolina 52,672
29 Alabama 51,718
30 New York 49,112
31 Louisiana 47,720
32 Mississippi 47,695
33 Pennsylvania 45,310
34 Tennessee 42,146
35 Ohio 41,328
36 Virginia 40,598
37 Kentucky 40,411
38 Indiana 36,185
39 Maine 33,128
40 South Carolina 31,117
41 West Virginia 24,231
42 Maryland 10,455
43 Vermont 9,615
44 New Hampshire 9,283
45 Massachusetts 8,262
46 New Jersey 7,790
47 Hawaii 6,459
48 Connecticut 5,006
49 Delaware 2,026
50 Rhode Island 1,213



sooooo --

to proportion things out representatively among the parts of the country, what is an appropriate percentage of presence for each? not 2% each for fifty states, right? but in proportion to population? does human population represent importance from a human angle? andor other things? if other things besides population, how much importance to place on each of the impt factors (population and other[s])? think on this -- seems to me maybe population might be enough? other factors would be included but not in ways that change proportion of representation within the totality -- well, keep working on this; it's how you go from a general idea to specifics --
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